The Montclair Times Editorials are Terrible

[Update: This editorial has been reposted with a correction: Election Day occurs on the Tuesday following the first Monday in November.]

HA! Well, it's understandable. Election Day has only been that day for centuries. Easy mistake.

Unlike most other municipalities in New Jersey, Montclair has a nonpartisan government.

Oh, fab. Civics 101.

With the disastrous dysfunction of our nation's two major political parties at the national level, as evidenced by the months-long failure to approve a mutually (dis)agreeable resolution to increasing the U.S. federal debt, a nonpartisan legislative body at the local level is okay.

Pardon me while I bang my head on the desk to keep from falling asleep.

Nonpartisan governments have conducted their local elections in May instead of in the General Election on the Tuesday following the first Monday in November. The state's logic has been to separate nonpartisan balloting from the Dem/GOP competitions occurring in general elections.

An election in May requires Montclair and other nonpartisan towns to spend money to lease voting booths and machines, hire temporary poll workers and pay overtime to county and municipal workers who oversee the vote count - and then spend additional money for the General Election.

[Municipalities that use volunteer fire departments annually must also conduct a separate "fire district" election in the absurdly designated third Saturday in February - an election date approved by our state Legislature guaranteeing that almost nobody outside of volunteer firefighters and their families will cast ballots to approve their fire districts' annual budgets. It's New Jersey's enduring disgrace. The Legislature - yes, state Sen. Nia Gill and Assembly members Tom Giblin and Sheila Oliver - must consolidate fire district elections into the General Election.]

Ah, nice use of brackets. They indicate to the readers that what's contained within them is generally of no interest to anyone, and is likely the result of some personal feelings on the editor's part, and can be readily ignored. Thanks, Mister Editor!

New Jersey now allows nonpartisan municipalities such as Montclair to shift local balloting to the General Election, when we also vote for president; governor; U.S. senator; U.S. representative; state senator; state assembly member; and county freeholder, sheriff, clerk and surrogate.

Why say something once when you can say it three different times? Can we go for four?

A majority of Township Council members has approved creating a commission to analyze the merits of switching Montclair's municipal balloting to November from May, or retaining the May date for local voting.

There are reasoned and reasonable rationales to retain Montclair's municipal election in May.

Translation: "I'm too afraid to have an opinion about this issue, so I'm just going to give both sides and let you decide."

Once every four years in May, nothing's on the ballot except for the candidates vying for the council's seven seats. There are no county, state or national candidates whose presence on the ballot could inadvertently link the local nonpartisan contestants with either the Democrat or Republican parties.

OK, so this is the Fourth time he's explained nonpartisan elections. Can we go for five?

Moving the voting to November, however, puts Montclair council candidates on a ballot that always attracts thousands more voters than in May. It also saves taxpayers at least $50,000 every four years, which was the cost in 2010 of Montclair's municipal election.

During a forum sponsored by the League of Women Voters of the Montclair Area, a resident who analyzed election returns noted that, when Montclair citizens voted in General Elections when council candidates were placed on the ballot to fill vacancies, the ballots cast approximated the same paltry amount as occurs every four years in our May election.

So the resident did the work you were supposed to do? Way to mention it, moron.

Some citizens prefer to retain May as the time of our town's local election. Other people see the merit in conducting the council election in November, consolidating our local election with the General Election - when practically every other municipality in the United States holds its local balloting.

And other residents would rather not have an opinion because then he'll get phone calls complaining about it.

Among the folks who prefer to vote locally in November, some citizens want any shift to November to be enacted for the council election in 2016, not for next year's election.

That way, voters will know in advance that the council candidates they elect will serve for 54 months instead of 48.

The date when a townwide vote occurs might be significant.

Much more important than the date of the vote is the action of voting.

Whether in May or November, every eligible Montclair resident should cherish the right to vote - and then vote.

Well, that petered out, didn't it? It's like someone yelled, "DEADLINE!" and he had to wrap it up in eight seconds.

New Jersey's always been a state where many of its drivers are aggressive and confrontational. Hey, it's New Jersey, right? That's no excuse. Good drivers are not incompetent drivers.

$20 says Mister Editor got cut off on his way to work the morning he wrote this, and scrapped his "Montclair leaders should work together!" editorial for this one.

Many drivers in Montclair ignore simple yet meaningful federal and state regulations:

Oh, no. That colon makes me think we're about to see a list of driving regulations. Please no.

• When you turn into another lane, or onto another street,

FUCK

or over to or away from the curb, then you must activate your vehicle's turn signal. Duh.

Oh, no! Slang from the '90s that Mister Editor still thinks is cool! The youngins are SURE to start reading newspapers now!

• When the sun sets, you must turn on your headlights. Duh.

• When it's raining or snowing, you must turn on your headlights. Again: Duh.

"Hey, Timmy and Johnny! The newspaper editor has started speaking our language! Let's see if our parents will buy us subscriptions! YEAH!"

• A pedestrian entering a crosswalk always has the right of way, and you must stop your vehicle to let the pedestrian cross the street. That's a double-dog duh.

These rules are presumably taught in motor-vehicle classes in schools, and by driving instructors, and by parents.

Love that Mister Editor can't bring himself to say outright that driving schools teach driving regulations, on the off-chance that some driving school will call and say, "Well, we actually don't teach that," and he'll have to issue a correction or something.

I'd love to hear him say grace. "Our Father, who allegedly art in Heaven, hollowed be thy name, according to sources."

Based on the extraordinary level of incompetent drivers in Montclair, the parents, the motor vehicle instruction classes in schools, and the professional driving instructors have failed to impart these fundamental safety rules to countless drivers.

Damn, how did the poor driving schools get the blame? Maybe the students are just assholes who will do what they want?

Many parents obviously are talentless in teaching their children these important skills.

OK, so driving schools "presumably" teach driving regulations, but he can just come out and say many parents are "talentless"? Wtf?

Undoubtedly, many of these parents are the d(uh)rivers committing these motor vehicle violations.

OH MY GOD NO HE DID NOT MAKE A WORD USING THE WORD DUH. NO.

"Hey, Mrs. Editor, you'll never believe the clever thing I wrote today. I added "uh" to "drivers," making the word "d(uh)rivers," which plays off the word "duh," which I used earlier many times. Isn't that hilarious? Honey? Where'd you go?"

Here's a way for Montclair to generate more revenue - and, more important, impel many drivers to obey the law.

Install traffic-monitoring cameras at certain intersections and nab every driver who passes through the intersections without using turn signals, or operating vehicles in rain, snow or in near-darkness without activating headlights.

For instance, a camera could be mounted across from the NJ Transit railroad trestle above Watchung Avenue at the intersection of Park Street. A motorist a minute violates one or more of these regulations.

Hmmmm...something tells me Mister Editor lives near Watchung Avenue and Park Street. Always ethical to vent about your own personal experiences in unsigned editorials you foist on the unsuspecting public.

A computer could examine the digital images, flagging the image of each vehicle whose turn signal wasn't activated or whose headlights were off, based on climatological and temporal conditions.

Yeah, that sounds easy. Care to invent that computer, sir?

If the camera and ancillary costs amount to $10,000, and tickets are $100 for any of these infractions, then the camera could be paid for within two hours of its first day.

For sake of an argument, if the camera and equipment cost $100,000, then violators theoretically would owe and pay that much money in several days.

As if we didn't understand it the first fucking time.

Even if it's one month, the camera, computer, wiring and installation would pay for themselves and begin producing revenue for Montclair.

Oh my god how many times is he going to explain this?

And portable traffic-monitoring cameras could be installed at particularly dangerous crosswalks to target the vehicles that ignore pedestrians who are legally attempting to use crosswalks.

More than punitively amassing money, such a device would educate drivers to obey relevant rules that protect fellow motorists, pedestrians, bicyclists and property.

As The Montclair Times has repeatedly urged, our municipal government should purchase street signs alerting drivers that pedestrians possess the right to traverse streets at crosswalks without getting killed. These signs should be placed on all the main roadways entering Montclair - i.e., Valley Road from Clifton, Orange Road from East Orange, Watchung Avenue from Bloomfield.

Drivers caught on these cameras will howl, but they will pay. And, with the learned behavior capability of all higher primates, drivers on Montclair's streets who are ticketed will follow the motor-vehicle regulations to avoid additional penalties, and people's lives will be saved.

When you read this editorial today, Thursday, July 14,

Oh, is that what "today" means? I was wondering...

it would be great to know that our nation’s political leadership has coalesced and agreed upon federal budgetary cuts, tax increases and a vision forward to forestall a further decline of the United States, including a default on our $14.3 trillion national debt.

It can be done. It must be done.

Last winter, the bipartisan Simpson-Bowles Commission released a proposal with a plethora of suggested expenditure cuts and revenue increases.

Translation: "I read the New York Times, and maybe The Economist, too, nyah nyah."

The commission majority offered a definitive solution that was logical and doable. Democrats howled. Republicans snarled. President Barack Obama didn’t endorse his own group’s findings.

What’s occurred since? Congressional Tweedle-Democrats and Tweedle-Republicans clunk with verbal mallets their political opponents and Tweedle-colleagues who stray from party-promulgated polemics.

Tweedle-Democrats and Tweedle-Republicans was mildly amusing. Tweedle-colleagues made it all terrible, like when your drunk uncle at Thanksgiving won't stop making the same joke he's been making since Vietnam ended.

Although late to display follow-me leadership,

As opposed to...follow-you leadership?

President Barack Obama is centered on the imperative to raise the national debt limit to $16-plus trillion and to remove $4 trillion of federal expenditures during the next decade.

Hmm...how many more times are we going to use the president's first name, as if there were a President Malcolm Obama and we were going to confuse them?

There is a logical center in our nation that will create a solution. For our nation to stay solvent, we must increase the national debt. Simultaneously, we must curtail long-term expenditures. We must abolish tax loopholes and simplify our tax code to eliminate tons of tax breaks. Some so-called "entitlements" cannot remain untouchable. We must curtail healthcare costs and Social Security costs, most logically for the latter by increasing the retirement age and upping the cutoff for payroll deductions.

If only the nation's leaders knew the man with all the answers lives in Montclair, NJ!

And, as you drive in your Japanese, German or Korean vehicle, turn on your Chinese-made computer or flat-screen, and sip Italian coffee stored in your Korean refrigerator, brewed in your German coffeemaker and powered by a Chinese-made wind turbine, remember that the most important crisis in our nation is the lack of jobs.

OK, who wants to raid Mister Editor's house and see how many American-made items he owns? I'm guessing few.

Whenever possible, buy American. Buy products from American companies.

"I'll take Redundancy for $1000, Alex."

Buy foreign companies’ goods manufactured in America. Your purchase sustains jobs for Americans, who contribute to rather than drain our collective resources. U.S. factories employ Americans and pay taxes to support our nation.

It's a perfect example of people coming together to accomplish a good deed.

Gotta love an editorial that starts with an "It's" with absolutely zero antecedent. Way to make us work to understand what you're writing about, Mr. Editor! Who cares about clarity?

Next Monday, Independence Day, our town again will be uplifted with fun and patriotism.

We will enjoy a 4th of July Parade in Montclair this year.

After they pass the reviewing stand, marchers and spectators can enter Edgemont Memorial Park to enjoy a picnic, with food and ice cream offered by Montclair businesses, and music performed by talented residents.

Fireworks will again whoosh in the sky above our town, or at least in the sky above Yogi Berra Stadium adjacent to our town.

It's either in your town, or adjacent to your town. Can't be both, sir. And please refrain from ever using the word "whoosh" again.

Montclair's Independence Day celebration is happening in 2011 due to the beneficence and assistance of local residents and Montclair-area businesses.

With our government strapped for funding, about 15 citizens created a committee, "Montclair Celebrates," and enlisted the assistance of many other Montclairites. A bevy of businesses — including The Montclair Times, one of Montclair's oldest businesses — have joined in this venture to make sure that our municipality had a parade and fireworks on July 4.

Someone is addicted to the word "bevy." And we've spoken about alliteration before, Mr. Editor. I'm watching you.

As with many endeavors, the fundraising and organizational effort is led by people who are dedicated to achieving a goal that will benefit many people. The leadership provided by Montclair Celebrates is symbolic of Independence Day.

OH JESUS CHRIST HE IS NOT COMPARING A GROUP OF PEOPLE WHO WANT FIREWORKS WITH THE FOUNDING FATHERS.

In the 1770s, a relative handful of colonists led the way for freedom from an oppressive overseas regime.

Christ, he is. HE IS.

Whether in our nation's civil rights movement or similar struggles for righteousness and freedom, some people lead the way, other folk willingly follow, and many other people merely stay uninvolved yet enjoy the benefits of the people who accomplish and achieve.

And yet other "folk" spend a week writing a terrible column discussing other people's achievements and accomplishments.

Our town is one of thousands throughout the United States that are beset with vast debt, high taxes and ever-increasing public costs. As with many other municipalities, Montclair has maxed out its budget for 2011, and next year will likely be worse.

How many more years will newspaper stories tell us "next year will be worse"? Can we just agree to stop pointing that out until things get better?

Rather than just grouse and gripe about the lack of money for Montclair's 4th, some citizens initiated a different way to achieve an Independence Day celebration. They literally led the way.

Well, unless they actually led a parade, I don't think they literally led the way, sir.

Six decades ago, when Montclair first held its annual 4th of July Parade, the municipal government was only peripherally involved. The parades were organized and funded through private organizations, not the government. Religious, academic, community, service and political groups created the floats, organized the marching contingents, created the banners and distributed United States flags.

Citizens created Montclair's 4th of July fetes to celebrate our citizenship.

Fetes. Someone kill me.

Today, every person from every land who has become a citizen, or aspires to become a citizen, has an equal right to celebrate. And every citizen shares the responsibility to uplift our town, improve New Jersey and elevate the United States of America.

Did they rewrite our Constitution ordering all citizens to uplift their towns? I must have missed when that happened. Damn Facebook.

The sustained bursts above our heads on Independence Day figuratively remind us that freedom and rights are intrinsically, unquestionably linked with responsibility.

Um, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask for some kind of proof that fireworks represent our intrinsically linked freedom and rights. A diagram will do.

Our upcoming parade, picnic and pyrotechnics on July 4 will not just happen. People, and their financial and personal contributions, are making them happen.

In our nation, contributions and sacrifice are as necessary as liberties and freedoms. Without the former, the latter can gradually — or quickly — be lost.

If we don't have fireworks this year, WE WILL EVENTUALLY LOSE OUR CIVIL LIBERTIES. Think about it.

Presuming that some strange new regulation does not outlaw children's lemonade stands,

Humor! Or, rather, attempted humor.

Before we go any further, what's with that headline? A semicolon instead of a period? Why?!

During public hearings that persisted for months, many Montclair residents opposed the construction of 12 units of housing on Orange Road for mentally ill residents.

And yet Mr. Editor didn't espouse an opinion, because that would be a demonstration of courage. We wouldn't want his fee-fees hurt with angry phone calls and letters, now would we?

After the Montclair Board of Adjustment rejected an application to build the housing, a Superior Court judge overturned the board's decision and ruled that the Mental Health Association of Essex County can construct the two adjacent structures.

Fourth Ward residents who opposed the 12 units of housing on a tract near a large senior citizens residence presented several arguments. A key rationale against the housing is that the 4th Ward contains more nonprofit-operated supportive housing facilities, including affordable housing and rehab centers, than other municipal wards.

Some detractors perceive the proposed housing's site as veiled racism. Other opponents perceive the relative profusion of nonprofit facilities in the 4th Ward as socioeconomic bias.

"I'm just here to present both sides, folks! Don't look for my own opinion!"

However, the argument that nonprofits' facilities should be evenly distributed throughout Montclairignores the fact that structures and land are cheaper to purchase in portions of the 4th Ward. Compared to property valuations in most neighborhoods in Montclair's other three wards, properties in several 4th Ward neighborhoods are assessed at lower valuations.

"Properties in several 4th Ward neighborhoods are assessed at lower valuations." Translation into modern-day English for those of you who don't speak Markporterese: Land in the 4th Ward is cheaper.

Each year, residents in these neighborhoods with lower valuations pay lower property taxes than fellowMontclairites in higher-assessed neighborhoods.

"Taxes are cheaper in the 4th Ward." See how that takes up fewer words, Mr. Editor? That's generally how newspaper articles are written.

The smaller valuations mean that these properties are more affordable to buy.

Translating this one into modern-day English shows how pretentious Mr. Editor's writing really is: "Properties with lower values are cheaper to buy." Um, no fucking kidding! You might a well write, "Five-dollar bills are less valuable than ten-dollar bills."

Nonprofits generally have limited funding. When the purchase price is cheaper, nonprofits' dollars can purchase larger structures or bigger tracts on which to construct their facilities.

Maybe someone told Mr. Editor to write as if his audience is comprised of four-year-old children with college-level vocabularies? That's really the only way to explain his habit of over-explaining the obvious.

The Township Council maintains that it's up to the Board of Adjustment to pursue legal recourse — paid for, of course, by Montclair taxpayers yet approved, at some point, by the council members.

And it's a legal battle that Montclair is likely to lose.

Uh-oh...are we approaching an actual editorial stance here? Hard to believe.

Just as federal and state laws protect racial, religious and ethnic minorities, the same strict regulations protect citizens suffering from mental illnesses. It would be difficult to defeat a project that would improve the lives of such vulnerable members of society, who are in need of help. The defense must prove some transcendent violation has occurred that supersedes the positive effect of people with psychological disorders obtaining decent, affordable housing. Is the argument that the site is in a single-family residential zone (near two nonconforming structures) sufficient to overturn "inherently beneficial" housing for disabled people?

Montclair has had a past experience with spending vast sums of taxpayers' money on a lawsuit that was probably legally unwinnable.

Dammit. Someone's about to brag about his knowledge of all things boring.

About 20 years ago, Montclair launched litigation to halt NJ Transit's efforts to link two nearby railroad lines — the so-called "Montclair Connection."

Just nudge me awake when he's done.

It was a near-certainty that NJ Transit would eventually win in court. Government agencies far aboveMontclair perceived the railroad link to be in the same category as constructing a hospital, a telecommunications center or other facility inherently beneficial to modern society. A legal defeat was theoretically possible, but realistically the railroad project was all but inevitable. Nonetheless, Montclair spent hundreds of thousands of dollars of taxpayers' earnings in legal fees to thwart NJ Transit's efforts. NJ Transit (and its passengers) spent an equally significant amount on Montclair's lawsuit. Eventually, the town and the transit agency negotiated a settlement that perhaps could have been achieved years earlier in a more congenial and far less pricy parley.

Before the Montclair Board of Adjustment spends tens, or potentially hundreds, of thousands of Montclair taxpayers' dollars on an appeal, the board's attorney and its members must be confident that they can overcome federal and state laws that have been upheld in the U.S. Supreme Court, guaranteeing the right to housing and other protections for mentally ill citizens.

"For centuries, people from all over the world have come to America to practice what they believe in and to be in a dialogue with others who think differently. Montclair is a town where such a dialogue takes place. We have to embrace it to be good local and global citizens on planet Earth." — Frank Hentschker

Ah, nothing better than starting an editorial with a quote from someone no one's ever heard of. Dude doesn't even have a Wikipedia page, for crying out loud.

Nearly all residents in Montclair are one, two, three, four or five generations from their ancestors in other nations throughout the world.

Nearly all residents of America are one, two, three, four or five generations from their ancestors in other nations throughout the world. Jesus. People in Manhattan aren't this self-involved.

It's a great strength in Montclair and in the United States. Our nation is literally 300 million-plus citizens who hail from all other nations, who practice all the world's religions, who speak all the world's languages, and who possess the freedom to express their opinions.

I'm sure there are more than a few who hail from this nation and this nation only, pal.

The human race is prone to bigotry and lethal hatreds.

Here we go. Montclair's last hippy begins his speech on racial harmony. Pass the bong.

Most religions and ethnicities have adherents who foster multigenerational grievances and outrages that are akin to a persistent gangrene.

If I started a Most Pretentious Sentence in an Editorial award, this guy would sweep every year. There wouldn't even be any other nominees.

Many people are incapable of forgiving.

Holy damn, is this a sermon or an editorial? "Most people are incapable of forgiving." Really? Is there some poll result you can point to to prove this? A study by some intellectuals? No?

Vengeance consumes them — and the vengeance they wreak consumes countless victims.

Vengeance consumes...who?! Everyone? Americans? Immigrants? Are we talking the third- or fourth-removed immigrants, or what?

Religious intolerance is as vile as racial, ethnic, sexual, disability and other biases.

What is "sexual bias"? "Disability bias"? I wish I could just make shit up and have it printed in my local paper.

Our nation demands dignity and respect for every citizen. When individuals or mobs disrespect other people, then our legal system must determine whether the ability to verbally assault someone is within a constitutional right, or has descended into a violation of the law and a violation of the victim's legal rights.

Can we all say a prayer that Mr. Editor doesn't get chosen to write the re-boot of "Schoolhouse Rock?" We'll have a lot of confused children on our hands.

The rights of victims, too, are evolving in our nation. Religious fanatics viciously denigrate U.S. soldiers who have been killed while serving our nation, and stage disruptive protests during burial ceremonies.

Man, only one group of fanatics do this: Fred Phelps and his crew. Is Mr. Editor too afraid to mention them by name?

The freedom of speech and freedom of expression those fanatics take advantage of must always be balanced by the rights of those who experience the negative force of these demonstrations. Some judges and some legislators seek to more strongly define individual rights for the individuals who are victims.

Some editors are incapable of supplying specifics for the weekly editorial dispatches they provide to their consumers.

All individuals count.

Getting into "Free to Be You and Me" territory here. Kinda scared.

The rights of any one individual cannot deteriorate or transcend the rights of other individuals, as set by our common laws. A graffiti artist does not have a right to deface property that is owned by a particular individual or is owned by all of us individuals — all of us being categorized as "the public."

Whew. I'm glad he specified what he meant by "all of us," because I was so confused. On another note, is this whole editorial about graffiti artists?

We're all individuals, and we collectively own that school or train-station wall that's been slathered by paint. Legally, there must be an increased emphasis on victims and the fiscal consequences of someone's wrongdoing.

So, the big enemies here are people who protest military funerals and graffiti artists. Got it, Mr. Editor.

A Montclair church recently conducted a worship service that melded Christian and Muslim worship. We should rejoice at this interfaith service — as we Montclairites should for all such peaceful, prayerful togetherness. But the rector of St. John's Episcopal Church has received a flurry of hate mail denouncing Christian/Muslim togetherness.

Oh, wow, we're actually switching gears NOW, like 10 paragraphs in? Fucking ridiculous.

Based on biblical precepts, these letters are blasphemous. The writers espouse hatred and intolerance — morally unacceptable in the United States of America, yet not often prohibited by our existing law. The assaulters have the right to denigrate religions.

Many townspeople of Montclair denounce racial discrimination or religious hatred. It's the obligation of society, and people who promulgate the mores of society, and certainly of our religious and community leaders, to rally residents when vileness is slathered on the public wall.

Get it? Graffiti = the "flurry" of protesting letters. He really brought it together in the end there, didn't he? Bravo, Mr. Editor!

The Montclair Times commends the Rev. Andrew Butler and Abdul-Alim Mubarak-Rowe, the assistant imam of Masjid Waritj ud Deen in Irvington, and their colleagues who led the service.

We are all of one human race on Earth.

As nearly all United States citizens comprehend, many international relationships are being dramatically reconfigured. Some diplomatic links are dissolving. New opportunities emerge with the flip of a news-page or a log onto Facebook.

Hey, he said "Facebook"! He knows things about current fads! But, um, what's a "news-page"? Is that a thing?

Some superficial niceties have degenerated into serious nastiness when the formalities fall apart.

Huh?

Worldwide, there are several opportunities for the U.S. to transcend an enduring statis and achieve resolutions to conflicts.

Oh, thank God, I was hoping Mr. Editor would tell us how the world can overcome age-old diplomatic conflicts. Hillary Clinton, are you listening?

The United States is steadily diminishing its presence in Iraq, and our leadership intends to reduce its military presence in Afghanistan. In our departure, even as we hand over "surplus" materiel to the Iraqi military, Iraq is firming up ties with China, the nation that's become a superpower, one that's rapidly creating a technologically advanced and numerically enormous military - and a superpower nation that, by its very strength, will be an arbiter in conflicts.

The so-called "Arab Spring" has toppled a couple of entrenched authoritarian leaders in Egypt, Tunisia and apparently Yemen. Other self-anointed leaders in Libya and Syria rely on lethal force to retain power. The ousting of encrusted regimes in North Africa and the Middle East hammers apart the status quo that had uneasily satisfied many U.S. citizens, activist groups and diplomats - but certainly inflamed a majority of citizens in nations such as Egypt, Tunisia, Yemen, Libya and Syria.

Some commentators superficially critique nations such as Pakistan and Mexico that struggle to survive against religious or drug cartels. These nations and many others are layered with complexities and inherent contradictions that, bit by bit, can largely be resolved.

Please, sir, take us bit by bit through your ideas for resolving the "complexities" of Pakistan.

Ten years ago, the United States experienced a devastating attack by terrorists, which killed 3,000 people in New York, Washington, D.C., and Pennsylvania. Vile mass killings committed by religious extremists or drug-gang members have occurred throughout our world: India and Indonesia, Saudi Arabia and the United Kingdom, Kenya and Columbia.

More than many other nations, Russia has been victimized by an onslaught of horrific terrorism, virtually all of it associated with religious extremism flagellated with nationalistic fervor. As with the U.S., Russia too is targeted by external and internal fanatics.

As we move forward in time, space and economic reality,

Dear God.

it's not necessary or even always relevant for the United States to be the great resolver.

Oh, is THAT what the U.S. has been doing? Resolving things? I guess that's what all those drone attacks are for.

South Africa is seeking to end the Libyan civil war and create a less-horrific environment in Zimbabwe amid the cruel rule of Robert Mugabe. On several different diplomatic fronts, Turkey has taken the leading role in resolving irresolvable conflicts. As you read this editorial, France's foreign minister, Alain Juppe, has undertaken a mediation effort to achieve a solution involving Israel and the Palestinians, with the goal to achieve security and an internationally recognized border for Israel and a nation for millions of Palestinians.

"I read the New York Times International section, so nanny nanny boo boo."

Russia is a powerful nation that possesses vast powers of persuasion with nations, some of whose leaders loathe the United States. Increasingly, Russia and the U.S. share concerns, cares, goals and visions.

This past week, a delegation from the Russian city of Cherepovets and the region of Vologda Oblast visited their sister city: Montclair.

Oh my God, are we really now getting to some kind of point here? This is just about a bunch of fucking Russians visiting the mayor for some vodka?

Marking the 20th anniversary of the Montclair/Cherepovets sister city bond, Vologda Oblast Gov. Vyacheslav Pozgalev, Deputy Gov. Leonid Oogman, Cherepovets Mayor Oleg Kuvshinnikov and Chief of Staff Vladimir Lepeshichev urged deeper ties between our two municipalities and nations.

The friendly and collegial interactions involving leaders and citizens of Cherepovets and Montclairexemplify the myriad points in common that our two nations share.

Wait -- that's it? That's the end?

This coming Monday, June 6, the Bellevue Avenue Branch Library will reopen.

There's a daylong dollop of activities in which Montclairites can participate. Beginning at 10:30 a.m., the branch will offer puppet shows, storytelling and |face-painting for kids. There will be live music from 2 to 8 p.m. at the facility, located at 185 Bellevue Ave., a block in from Valley Road across Norwood Avenue from Mt. Hebron School.

"Hello, Mr. Editor? This is The English Language calling. I hope all is well. Listen, we heard you used the word "dollop" to describe a group of activities. I'm afraid I'll have to ask you to refrain from abusing me in that way. It hurts. Thanks!"

An official ribbon-cutting occurs at 12:30 p.m. Monday, demarcating the reopening of doors atMontclair's Branch Library.

"Demarcate" AGAIN! WHAT. THE. FUCK.

As it was prior to its shutdown several months ago, the branch will be open for only one day each week, on Mondays. When the newest budget crunch occurred, the library leadership determined there was insufficient funding to keep the branch functioning for even one weekday.

There was serious discussion among some Township Council members about selling the historic structure, which had been built through funds donated by |19th-century magnate Andrew Carnegie - himself a success story of a poorly educated person who achieved massive wealth and then opted to donate most of his funds to construct public libraries in the United States and other nations.

Citizens who loved the branch organized themselves into an activist group and successfully deflated any efforts for the township to divest the branch library. Some local businesses and professionals contributed to preserve the BAB.

Oh, what? Sorry, I fell asleep. Continue, please.

These citizens have transformed their group into the Friends of the Bellevue Avenue Library. The Friends will function as a support group for this structure and the inherent treasures that it contains and embodies.

And by "inherent treasures," you mean the 14 copies of "The Da Vinci Code," or...

The Montclair Public Library Foundation - itself a citizen-led group created to sustain our town's public library - raised tens of thousands of dollars to purchase checkout machines and other materials essential for the branch's operation.

The Montclair Public Library's trustees themselves took a chance on allowing some volunteers to handle much of the reopened branch's workload.

The Friends of the Bellevue Branch Library exemplifies the power that citizens possess when they join forces and embark on a mission to save, preserve, create or grow a worthy subject.

Or it exemplifies the power that citizens possess when they really, REALLY don't want to go to the black section of town to get books.

The government can't do it? The government can't afford it?

Then we citizens can coalesce and, with intellect, with fervor and with inspiration, we can attain accomplishments.

I'm hoping Mr. Editor gives us another two or three variations on "people can band together and do things," because I think there may be some true idiots out there who haven't gotten the point yet.

As you read this editorial, fellow Montclair citizens are working to raise the funds needed for our town's annual 4th of July Parade, picnic and fireworks.

The government doesn't have the money needed to hire some of the professional parade groups and to pay the holiday overtime for public workers who participate before, during and after the parade, picnic and fireworks.

[Hint to Montclair's public workers who will work on July 4: Care to voluntarily contribute some hours on July 4th? Or work for straight time, rather than the |contract-mandated holiday overtime? You can ease the fundraising plight of fellow people who frantically struggle against encroaching deadlines to raise funds for your town's parade, picnic and fireworks.]

"Hi, Mr. Editor? This is Alliteration. I got your number from The English Language. How are you? Listen, I'm going to have to ask you to cease and desist from using me every chance you get. Hope you understand."

We're in a financial morass together. We're in tough times together. As the BAB's supporters have proven, when people create something good or contribute to this creation, then all of us benefit.

And the ripples of doing good pass through time to touch upon the future.

  It's called Edgemont Memorial Park.

Almost a century ago, many Montclair residents donated money to create a park in the center of town to honor the citizens who died while serving the United States of America. Schoolchildren gave pennies. Wealthy people bequeathed large sums.

Ten-dollar word alert: bequeathed. "Donated" would have performed the same service in this paragraph, but it wouldn't have let anyone know how learned Mr. Editor is.

From wetlands, workers created a radiant park. A sculptor created an obelisk and a monument possessing such uplifting majesty that his design won a national award in the 1920s.

Oh my God, obelisk. Make him stop.

When Edgemont Memorial Park opened, literally thousands of area residents gathered for the dedication ceremony. Positioned on First Mountain, artillery units fired salvoes to demarcate the debut observance.

Salvoes and demarcate, within one word of each other. That kind of pretension deserves a fucking award.

A beautiful and finely created expanse, Edgemont Memorial Park's purpose was to provide recreation and aesthetic enjoyment for townspeople.

I always appreciate being informed what a park is for, in case I happen to forget.

The motivation to create the park, however, was to always acknowledge members of the U.S. military who died through the centuries to create, and then preserve, our nation.

Through the decades, patriotism waned in Montclair, in New Jersey and throughout the United States. Memorial Day has become another one of the big shopping days, with gala sales and stupendous, best-of-the-season offerings.

The federal holiday provides most people with the chance to barbecue, or go on extended-weekend larks, or crack open the potables for some flat-screen amusements.

Bonus pretentious points for pointing out that Memorial Day is a federal holiday. Does anyone need to know this? No. Is it important to understand the editorial? No. But who cares? This guy knows it, so we need to know it.

Oh, and what's the point of this editorial again? Let's see if there is one, shall we?

Until terrorists struck the United States on Sept. 11, 2001, Memorial Day was another federal holiday whose metaphysical meaning had been subsumed by retailing and reveling.

Because Memorial Days since 2011 have been so reverent.

Until 9/11, a diminishing array of people attended the brief ceremony occurring in Edgemont Memorial Park to memorialize the people who gave their lives in service to our nation.

For the past several years, attendance has respectably increased in Montclair's Memorial Day observance. In a real sense, attendance is participation.

There are the medal-bedecked veterans, and civic leaders, and the Montclair Community Band, the Montclair Police Department and Fire Department personnel and other folks smartly gathered on the island, alongside the obelisk and the statue of warriors.

Why use "obelisk" once, when you can use it twice?

There will be some kids. Perhaps a teacher will bring her students. Some senior citizens will attend. In the audience standing or sitting across the water from the island will be some prominent citizen activists. And there will be many residents who boast no great presence in Montclair, but whose residencies help set the standards by which all of us dwell in a noteworthy town.

But every child and adult in the park who observes the ceremony is participating in a community that extends through space and time.

All of us who attend the Memorial Day observance will experience what Montclairites of nearly a century ago fathomed when they, too, stood on the banks of Edgemont Pond as a color guard carried the United States Flag.

Ah, we're getting to the point: I GO TO THE "OBSERVANCE" AND YOU PROBABLY DON'T, SO I"M BETTER THAN YOU, ASSHOLES!

Folks attending the ceremony on Monday share an enduring link with citizens who solemnly honored their fellow countrymen who died to win independence, and the citizens whose names are inscribed on the obelisk for having shed their lives to preserve our nation against a vile insurrection.

OBELISK THRICE! SOMEONE TURN HIS COMPUTER OFF!

The park was created in the 1920s, motivated by the horrific loss of lives in the Great War, which tragically served as a preface to an even greater war.

Today, in 2011, local men and women serve in our nation's military. Should any resident fall in battle, she or he will be in our collective concerns and be memorialized in future demarcations of this special day.

Who uses "demarcate" twice ever, let alone in the same editorial?

We honor the military people who gave their lives so we can enjoy our freedom.

Will they? Won't they?

Beginning an editorial with a question: terrible. Beginning an editorial with two questions: unforgivable.

What's the Township Council doing about the municipal government's proposed 2011 budget?

I'm not quite sure. Aren't you supposed to tell us, newsman?

For months, the seven council members and Township Manager Marc Dashield have been hashing and rehashing municipal expenditures, seeking to create a constrained budget while still providing essential services.

It's far more than leftover hash: our elected and appointed leaders are setting priorities and deciding what's critical to keep and what's expendable.

Why say something once, when you could say it twice in successive paragraphs?

Paralleling the Board of Education's budget analyses which resulted in a million-dollar compromise with its teachers' aides — keep your jobs, but lose your healthcare benefits — the council must calculate what's essential for the most residents, and what's expendable during this time of our town's fiscal plight.

Um, or three paragraphs.

Many Montclair residents view every budget reduction in the clichéd perspective of babies being tossed with the bathwater. Everything has value, they maintain — but they also don't provide any funding solution except to increase the height of Montclair's already monumental property taxes.

It's still bad to use a cliche, even when you say you're using a cliche.

Even with some significant cutbacks and eliminations, the proposed budget is pegged to increase by 1.76 percent, approaching the 2 percent cap set by Gov. Chris Christie. This proposed budget is 1.76 percent above what two citizens' groups have called for, which is a flat municipal budget for 2011.

Nothing's easy this year for the council members, some of whom are conflicted about or opposed to even simple suggestions to save tax expenditures.

Pool fees, for instance.

Nine paragraphs in, and we're finally at the topic at hand. So what if most readers nodded off by now?

Our town of 38,000 residents operates three public pools. To operate its three swimming pools,Montclair has traditionally charged a cheaper admission fee than any neighboring municipality.

Thankfully, Mr. Editor noted that Montclair has "three swimming pools" three words after telling us Montclair has "three public pools." Thanks, sir! We might have forgotten.

The price to use a municipal swimming pool is a user fee, paid by people who swim in or bask near the water. Yet, with the pool fee pegged too low, all taxpayers must compensate for the financial shortfall created by the expense of operating three swimming pools versus the revenues derived by the (too cheap) pool fee.

I'm really glad Mr. Editor defined what "using a pool" means. If he had just said, "paid for by people who use the pool," I would have thought, "But does that include the people who bask near the water?!"

And I guess I'll have to trust him that the pool fee is "too cheap," since he spent so much time defining what "using a pool" means, he didn't tell us how much the fee is.

There's some logic in restraining the fee to use a public swimming pool. Modest-income residents can more likely afford to pay a $12 fee than a $15 charge.

So a $12 fee is less expensive than a $15 one? Can you run that by me one more time, please? I'm not quite sure I understand.

Whether or not they use the pool, however, all property-taxpayers subsidize every user of Montclair's public pools.

This logic works for now. People can dip into the public pools for a smaller price than is needed to maintain the pools.

For the future, Montclair's failure to garner sufficient money to pay for the swimming pools' operational costs, along with banking monetary reserves to cover some of the expenses of potential capital repairs, can result in the pools disintegrating and becoming unusable for all Montclairites, or requiring more taxes to be dunned for the fiscal shortsightedness of now.

DUNNED. Jesus.

Yet some local officials and residents have opposed even a marginal monetary increase in our town's pool fee. After literally years of discussion to hike the user fee for Montclair's public pools, the Township Council last week approved the first reading of an ordinance that raises the daily fee from $12 to $15. A family season pool pass will increase from $180 to $225.

A council majority is expected to finalize the pool fee increase during its meeting on Tuesday, May 24 — along with approving Montclair's $70.5 million 2011 municipal budget.

Buy a swimming-pool pass now for the cheaper price.

So, the editorial position here is, what, "go buy a pool pass"?

And prepare to dive into a deeper pool of property taxes.