millie (18) 🫀

Millie’s Masterlist

· · ─ ·✶· ─ · ·

Series

·✶· Sink Your Teeth In (Joel Miller)

One shots

·✶· Tough Love (Joel Miller)

·✶· Warmth (Joel Miller)

Hey Anon!

Chapter 21 of Sink Your Teeth In will come soon I promise! I’m trying not to burn myself out, I want this next chapter to be as good as it possibly can be! It’s in the works 🫶

I’m also writing some other fanfics (maybe even starting a new series) for a different fandom other than tlou! So I’m a bit all over the place.

Sink Your Teeth In

A Joel Miller Fan Fiction

Chapter 20 - Sinner

Summary: You were brought to Jackson a shell, a husk of yourself. No one knew anything about you, not even your name. Struggling with Jackson life, and your troubling past, you meet Joel Miller. A man with just as much blood on his hands. You won’t let him save you, and you sure as hell won’t save him.

OR

You and Joel Miller learn you’re more alike than you’d ever admit. Maybe you’ll both learn how to feel alive again.

Warnings: Graphic descriptions of typical tlou gore and violence, suicidal thoughts and self harm (remember there are people to talk to 🫶), mentions of cannibalism, religious trauma, grief, brief possible eating disorder, fluff and eventual smut, swearing. let me know if i missed any.

A/N: We’re finally here!! We’re in the shit now y’all. Joel’s POV up next 🙈 Hope you enjoy, take care of yourselves!

—————

“Goodnight Taylor.”

Your voice broke through the silence of the abandoned house.

It was the dead of winter. Being on the run at the coldest time of the year was never a good thing, especially when you had a little sister to take care of.

The walls of the shack groaned under the chill, its bones aching and swaying in the darkness surrounded by forest. You’d set up everything for the night, unfortunately not lighting a fire or putting a lamp on because it could draw attention.

You were both in one of the upstairs bedrooms. Chips of mould covered wallpaper scattered along the edges of the room, the floor cold and creaky. Taylor was lying down just a few feet away in her sleeping bag, dozing off for the night now.

Sleep never usually came quickly for you, but that night felt different. Perhaps it was the long few days of walking, the lack of any food, but you felt your eyes getting heavy almost immediately once you settled into your own sleeping bag.

Blackness consumed you as the howls of the wind and snow outside battered against the windows. Both of your bodies were numb from the icy chill. Things could only get worse from here, you knew that, but you’d do anything to keep Taylor alive and well.

You couldn’t have been asleep for very long, but throughout the night you missed the slam of the front door swinging open.

Missed the dragging, hunting footsteps coming up the stairs. Missed the stench of death seeping under the bedroom door.

If only you hadn’t missed it.

You startled awake to a shrill scream.

Coldness consumed you as you regained consciousness, eyes wide and snapping over to Taylor.

Horror washed over you, nausea taking over when you saw the infected hunched over your little sister, her little arms and legs flailing trying to push it off.

Scrambling to your feet, you cried out when you slammed your body into the infected and pinned it to the floor. It wrestled with you, face covered in fungus and teeth trying to snap at your face.

Taylor was still screaming. She hadn’t stopped. The poor girl didn’t know what to do, blood seeping from her neck. She must have been scratched during the attack. You didn’t even know how long the attack had been going on before you woke up.

Shit. This was bad.

Your hand scrambled around to the side as you tried to keep the infected on the ground, patting the floor trying to find your gun in the darkness.

After about a minute your hand touched the cold metal, and in a blink you’d shot the infected straight between the eyes.

Panting and heaving for breath, the infected twitched underneath you until it finally stopped moving. The floor was covered in blood, pooling underneath the creature’s head.

Taylor.

You crawled off of the thing and quickly curled your arms around your sister, stroking her hair soothingly as she wailed and sobbed.

“Hey, you’re okay. It’s okay. I’ve got you.” You whispered in her ear, holding her tightly and she clung to you like she would die if she let go.

The windows were completely frosted, the entire shack in full terrifying darkness. You couldn’t turn on a flashlight or else something might see. What if there were more infected?

No sounds came from downstairs, so you prayed internally that nothing else would come crawling up to see you.

You pulled back from Taylor, looking her in the eyes and cupping her face in your freezing hands.

Her skin was pale, eyes wide and traumatised. “We’re safe now, okay? It’s dead. Don’t look at the blood, just look at me.”

Her little hands clung to your sleeves, not wanting you to let go. Your eyes travelled over her body, making sure that the rest of her was in tact and unharmed before you turned your attention to her neck.

Everything seemed to freeze.

Ice crawled its way into your skin, your bloodstream. Time stopped. Every function in your body seemed to shut down.

You couldn’t tear your eyes away from the torn skin and teeth marks that had pierced deeply. The veins in her neck and shoulder already seemed more prominent than before.

No no no. This wasn’t happening. You were supposed to keep her safe. Keep her alive and unharmed. This wasn’t supposed to happen.

You’d been sleeping. You’d been asleep and couldn’t hear the infected coming into the house.

If you’d have been awake, it never would’ve gotten a chance to touch her.

All you felt you could do was to protect her. Hugging her again, you buried your nose in her bite-free shoulder and breathed her in.

“You’re okay. I just need to bandage you up, that’s all.” You whispered, voice trembling uncontrollably.

“Am I gonna be a monster now?” She asked quietly, tears glossing her eyes over from when she’d been screaming. She must still be in pain with that bite.

Her words seemed to tear your heart to pieces. Everything hurt. Every bone in your body, every rush of blood and pounding of your head and stomach.

“No, honey. You’re gonna be fine.” You whispered to her, fighting back from crying with her.

You held her face, thumbs brushing over her freezing cheeks. “Let me bandage you up.”

Minutes passed as you got your first aid equipment out, or at least the stuff you had left. There was only a limited amount of bandages.

This was a lost cause, deep in your heart you knew that, but you bandaged her neck anyway.

The neck bite was one of the worst places to get infected. The process was quick and terrifying. Twitches would begin in a matter of minutes, and the spread of cordeceps to the brain would happen alarmingly quickly. Taylor would have less than an hour.

So, you brought her into your lap on the floor and just held her. Soothed her back to sleep now that her wound was covered.

Her back was pressed to your chest so she couldn’t see the terrified expression on your face. Couldn’t see the tears and the trembling. The grief.

The night passed slowly, painfully. All you could do was wait. And what would you do when she turned?

You couldn’t kill her. No. Absolutely not. Out of the question.

Could you lock her in the room and run? Definitely not. That kind of action would haunt you for the rest of your life.

Run away? You wouldn’t be able to sleep at night knowing that an infected version of Taylor was out there in the world, suffering and no longer herself.

Time kept passing and passing. It seemed to drag on forever.

Until, you felt Taylor move on your lap. It was slight, barely noticeable. She must be waking up.

Your hand came to rest on the side of her arm, face pale with cold sweat. “Tay?” You muttered, thinking she wouldn’t have turned yet.

You were very, very wrong.

Your little sister spun around and lunged at you full force with so much strength it knocked you over. You cried out, scrambling and trying to push her away.

She crawled on top of you, trying her hardest to bite down into any flesh she could get her teeth on. The sight was absolutely horrifying.

Her precious, soft and sweet face was now full of dark veins, eyes blown and hungry. Fungus was already blooming from her neck. You hadn’t even noticed that before.

It all happened so fast. Everything felt blurred and slow, but extremely fast at the same time.

At some point you’d gotten your hands back on your gun out of pure survival instinct. She was getting disturbingly close to biting you.

A loud, piercing bang echoed throughout the silent shack.

Your ears were ringing. Something warm splattered across your face, dripping down over your eyes and lips. A weight dropped limp on top of you.

Liquid pooled over your clothes, seeping on to the rotting wooden floors. The room stank to high heaven of pure death and bloody iron.

You couldn’t move. Couldn’t think. Taylor lay face down on top of you, twitching as blood continued to pour from the back of her head.

“Taylor?” You whispered, lip trembling. The winter chill had nothing on the cold you felt now. The emptiness. Shame and guilt swam through your body and pumped straight into your heart.

No answer came. Bubbles of blood choked from Taylor’s mouth and you gently lifted her off of you, sitting up and rolling her on to her back.

She didn’t even look like Taylor. Not anymore. Not with the growths of cordeceps on her body and the bullet hole on her forehead.

Your hand covered your mouth, body trembling so bad you could hardly move. “Taylor.” You sobbed, and soon that turned into screams.

You broke down. Slamming your fists repeatedly into the floor so hard it was lucky you didn’t break through, screams and cries carrying their way through the empty forest in the night.

Only the trees and the walls could hear you cry and scream for Taylor. For your little sister who was gone now.

The last hope had disappeared from your life. There was nothing left, not anymore.

At some point in the blur of the time that passed after, you aimed the gun at your head and pressed the trigger without even thinking about it.

It was empty. Your last bullet had killed your baby sister.

You ran out of the room and closed the door. You couldn’t breathe. Everything was closing in. You were alone now. Alone in the winter in the middle of fucking nowhere.

The other bedroom at the other end of the hall felt colder. A dirty mattress sat untouched in the corner by the frosted window.

You numbly went and sat on the mattress, curling in on yourself as the whole world felt like it was crumbling in on you.

There was nothing you could do. Hopefully the cold would take you, or maybe starvation.

The memory started to fade, your whole body going fuzzy and the sounds of trees dancing in the night got further away. A pull tugged at your mind.

A voice echoed through the darkness, getting louder and louder until it felt like it was right in your ear.

“Wake up!”

A loud rolling of thunder echoed as a flash of light blinded you.

Pain throbbed through your skull, dull but stabbing as fingers gripped at your hair at the back of your head. You were on the floor, you could see through the blur of squinted eyes. Dark wood sat beneath your knees.

Your arms were pinned back, keeping you upright either side. Everything hurt. You gasped for breath as you finally came to, eyes darting around rapidly in panic.

This felt like another dream. Like you’d been ripped away from Taylor and dragged back to the place of your worst nightmares. Beats of pushing blood rushed through your ears.

A church. That’s where you were. It felt as if you’d been sucked straight back to Colorado. Back to David.

Storm gales and cruel rain whipped around outside, slamming into the arched church windows. The walls were chipped off white and crosses hung from them, mocking and shaking from the forces of the storm.

The lectern stood tall at the back. A man stood behind it, and in the haze of everything you almost assumed that man was David himself. A large cross hung above where he stood, a looming presence making the hall feel like it was closing in on you.

Whoever had their hand in your hair tugged harshly, forcing your head upright and you cried out. You soon realised that person was May.

She crouched down beside you, keeping a tight hold of your hair making you look up at her.

“How do you feel?” May asked, her voice sounding far away from the pounding in your skull. Her previous taunting smiles had morphed into something much more dangerous. Complete impartiality.

You couldn’t answer her. It would have only came out as a sob.

Being in a church again, surrounded by those from your past, brought back the darkest of memories. So dark they might swallow you whole.

Lightning crackled outside again, and you jumped where you kneeled on the dusty church floor.

This brought her slight smile back. “I hope you feel rested.” She stroked over your hair sickeningly, and the nausea only increased from there.

The church was lit by mere candles burning away underneath the windows. Their tiny orange glows did nothing to keep the eerie darkness at bay. It was suffocating. The place reeked of mould and dirt.

“It’s time to repent for your sins, my friend.” May whispered in your ear, breath brushing the skin and it burned.

You couldn’t move. Her fistful of your hair tightened as she stood back up, grabbing your arm and keeping you upright to face the man at the back of the church.

You managed to look up, seeing the man holding your other arm upright. Clancy. The moustache and unkind look in his eyes made him so sickly recognisable.

Your attention turned back to the lectern where the other man stood, towering and menacing in a way that had your stomach churning. It couldn’t be David. No way. Even with the fuzziness you could comprehend that David was not stood in this church with you.

He cleared his throat. All you could do was watch him. Wetness began to spread down your face, your cheeks. That must be tears. You couldn’t tell. The worst parts of you were here and they were all consuming.

“Father cannot be with us today, may he rest in peace.” The man spoke, and you immediately recognised him as Jerry through the haziness of your swimming vision and the darkness.

“It is time for the sinner to repent for her actions. It is time for her to repent for her dissension and blasphemy.”

Vomit circled in the pit of your stomach. Tears had begun to pour down as the rain hammered on the windows, thunder rattling the church walls once again.

“She will learn the consequences of turning her back to God. Turning her back to her family, her friends and her peers. She will have this final opportunity to make her peace with God before she leaves this plain.”

You wanted to scream. You wanted to run up to the front of the church and tear this man to pieces. If only you could move.

Thoughts of Taylor, your father, enveloped you less than lovingly. All you could feel was shame.

You had killed them. You kill everyone you love.

Jerry began to deliver his sermon and screams threatened to break free from their chains in your chest. May’s hand tightened in your hair, forcing your head up as sobs wracked through your body.

You were alone. So entirely, completely alone. Nobody was coming to save you.

Joel was gone. The scent of him still lingered around you like a poisonous fog. You’d let it kill you if you could. The feel of his face underneath your fingertips. Arms around you, all comfort and warmth.

Now you were cold. Bloodied and freezing in a storm.

God wasn’t here. God was not looking down at you with love. This was punishment. All you ever got was punishment.

Jerry called your name and it barely registered through your gut-wrenching sobs.

May ripped at your hair and you cried out, sniffling and throat burning with acid.

“Do you believe you will reach the gates of heaven when greeted with death?”

His voice carried its way through the church like the ringing of a bell. You could almost hear the bells ringing in the cruel wind outside.

You didn’t respond. You couldn’t. The truth was, you didn’t know the answer. Did you deserve to go to heaven after living as the bringer of death to everyone you’ve ever loved? Would you ever be a good person? Did you even believe in heaven anymore.

Suddenly, a horrifying pain shot through you as your head was slammed into the floor. You were knelt over, blood gushing from your nose as you screamed out in agony.

May pulled your head back up again, forcing you upright as warmth spread down your face. The fountain of tears never stopped. You felt like ice, frozen in time and in pain.

The woman’s voice yelled out at the top of her lungs, violent and manic. “Are you going to heaven!?”

“No!” You screamed out in response, body filled with thick lead and poisoned blood.

You could feel yourself shutting down, David’s hands ghosting across your body so sharp they could be knives. You would never, ever, feel clean again.

Thunder crashed through the charred sky. The bones of the church rattled, old and weakened as your own vessel.

“Do you believe you deserve to go to heaven when greeted by death?”

The cold seeped in, flickers of snow passing over your vision like the night you had killed Taylor. They weren’t real. That night felt so close yet so far.

Maybe you were still there. Maybe you never left.

Too much time passed with no response but cries of pure sadness echoed throughout the church. Panic seized through you when you felt your shirt on your back being sliced open.

You screamed out, struggling against the arms holding you down. A blade pressed against the exposed skin of your back. It seared into the paleness, drawing a line of crimson right down the centre of your spine.

You almost blacked out. Dark spots filled the corners of your vision and all you could do was scream until your vocal cords felt like they were being ripped to shreds.

May was carving something. The shape didn’t even matter. The pain was so consuming you’d nearly forgotten Jerry’s question.

Quickly, you cried out. “No! No!” It didn’t sound like you anymore. You were no longer the same person now. How could you be? You didn’t know yourself.

May took away the blade from your back, forcing you back upright despite the searing pain across the curve of your spine.

Jerry continued, disturbingly calm in a way that made your stomach churn impossibly worse. “Do you want to go to heaven?”

You wished May would just kill you. The memories were torture enough.

Your chest heaved for breath, back bared and bloodied as you stared up from your knees to Jerry at the back of the church. It was like God himself was here to make you bleed, make you suffer for your sins.

May’s knife dug back into your skin, and you arched away with a blood-curdling scream that barely drowned out the storm.

“Yes! Yes, I do!” You cried out, inconsolable and thrumming from the torment. “Please!” You sobbed out, going to collapse forward but May yanked you right back up again.

“What would Father say to you, if he were here to witness this moment?” Jerry asked, and any warmth in your face drained in a second.

Vomit threatened to rise as the hands returned across your body, so inflicting and violent you wished you could curl up and die right there on the church floor.

“He would- he would say…” You managed to choke out through your groans of agony and sobs.

“…whoever suffers in the body is done with sin.”

The stabbing pain in your spine returned as May continued to carve into your flesh, rough and purposeful. You screamed out once again, throat raw with pure torture.

“Fuck! Please…please…” You sobbed out, tongue tainted with iron and teeth seared with acid. “Please!”

May’s blade pulled away once again and the warmth of your blood seeped down your back, painting you red with punishment. Like you were being branded by your own shame and unfathomable guilt.

“Do you think you deserve mercy?” The man asked, staring down at you unwavering and chillingly cold.

You could hardly breathe anymore. There was no air left in your lungs and no capacity to take in anymore. Dizziness washed over you, nausea crawling its way back into your stomach.

“No.” You whispered, shaking your head with pure exhaustion.

May tightened her grip, crouching back down in front of you. Her knife was in her other hand, stained by your own torn flesh.

She didn’t say anything for a minute, just staring at your bloodied face and streaming tears as lightning flickered throughout the church once more.

After a few beats of terrifying silence, she leaned into your ear and whispered so sickeningly.

“Then we will show you no mercy.”

Your body hit the floor, and you curled up there in the middle of the church. Clancy and May must have pushed you down. You weren’t sure. You could barely feel anything anymore.

The next thing you knew, darkness consumed your mind once again as body met the floor.

You hoped they’d kill you soon.

Sink Your Teeth In

A Joel Miller Fan Fiction

Chapter 19 - Balancing Act

Summary: You were brought to Jackson a shell, a husk of yourself. No one knew anything about you, not even your name. Struggling with Jackson life, and your troubling past, you meet Joel Miller. A man with just as much blood on his hands. You won’t let him save you, and you sure as hell won’t save him.

OR

You and Joel Miller learn you’re more alike than you’d ever admit. Maybe you’ll both learn how to feel alive again.

Warnings: Graphic descriptions of typical tlou gore and violence, suicidal thoughts and self harm (remember there are people to talk to 🫶), mentions of cannibalism, religious trauma, grief, brief possible eating disorder, fluff and eventual smut, swearing. let me know if i missed any.

A/N: Guys I’ve been busy writing a new fanfic for a new fandommm so watch out y’all. Shorter chapter again but I promiseee things are only gonna get crazier from here! Big plans! Take care of yourselves 🫶

Chapter 20

—————

This was very, very bad.

Joel stayed on the flooded grass for a while after he was dumped there, rain hammering down on him.

His horse was tied to the tree beside him, clearly disgruntled by being out in the rain for hours.

He couldn’t get up, at least not for a bit. His face was swollen to the point of not being able to see out of his right eye properly. The cut on his lip stung and his forehead was stained from trickling blood seeping out of the cut on his hairline.

Joel only managed to sit up once the rain started to make him feel like he was drowning, the onslaught directly down on his face being not a great feeling. He groaned loudly, body weak and aching from the cold as thunder rattled across the sky.

The flash of lightning seemed to wake him up a little and he carefully rose to his feet. Everything was starting to come back to him now. The punch to the face, the ginger lady, you tied down to a chair.

Joel’s chest constricted, the memories flooding through him so fast he had to grip the nearest tree to brace himself, hand over his pounding heart. You’d pleaded with the woman to let him go in exchange for you. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

He moved over to the edge of the woods, peering through the gaps between trees to get a good look at the town. It certainly looked different than the first time they’d approached.

People paced back and fourth routinely through the streets. Joel counted at least five people in the centre of the housing estate. There was a town hall, and he noticed more people lingering outside of there too. Not to mention the guards hanging around outside the door of the house you were currently in.

Shit, that’s a lot of fucking people.

Joel continued to scout out the place in complete darkness except for the occasional flashes of lightning, and the light coming from the house. The sound of your voice echoed through his mind in the midst of the rolling thunder up above.

“Promise me you’ll get out no matter what happens to me.”

The thought felt absurd. He didn’t even understand why he’d promised you that. There was absolutely no chance he would abandon you, not now or ever.

You were Ellie’s friend, and his…his whatever. He didn’t even know what you were to him and vice versa, but either way, he was not about to lose you. Not today.

He wracked his mind for any semblance of a plan. He couldn’t just go charging back down there, someone would be watching him in that very moment waiting for him to leave. So maybe he’d have to make them think he was leaving.

With a bit of struggle, Joel managed to get his horse untied and his belongings together. A couple of grunts of pain later, he was mounted on his horse.

There were eyes on him. He could feel it, the hairs on the back of his neck prickling. So, with thoughts of you completely consuming his mind, he began to ride away from the town and into the forest a little further away.

There was a thin line he was playing with here. He had to regain a little bit of strength if he was going to break you out of there. However, you could be killed at any moment. This would have to be a balancing act. Finding the right timing.

Joel hoped he would know when that right time was. The forest was dense and he rode his horse between the trees, creating as much distance as necessary for him to finally be out of eyesight.

There was no way Joel was leaving you. Not now, not after everything.

He thought of your lips against his. The warmth, the hope that seemed to bloom whenever he caught glimpses of the real you.

Not the ‘you’ who was full of anger and pain. The ‘you’ that was calm, tender and resigned in a way that made Joel’s heart swell.

Maybe something could form between you both after all of this. He just hoped you wouldn’t hate him for coming back for you.

There was no single piece of him that wanted to abandon you, and he certainly wasn’t going to.

Things were about to get much scarier very quickly.

————

The room was freezing, or at least it felt that way.

Your skin was ice. Maybe it was the blood loss or the pain that caused it, but either way your bones ached like rusted machine parts.

There was blood on the ground. You could feel it under your fingertips, staining your hands as you laid in it. You couldn’t even remember if it was yours or someone else’s. Probably yours though. The pain thrumming through your body said enough.

Things were hazy. The beating to your head seemed to have dulled the senses. Time didn’t seem so important anymore, and neither did the slipping memories of everything that had led up to this.

Had you been asleep? It felt like it. Your eyes were sore but you couldn’t bring yourself to rub them. You didn’t remember falling asleep.

This must be a basement, you told yourself. The air was stale with dampness and mould, as well as rotting wood and other signs that the house was falling apart.

Squinting from where you lay on the floor, you could make out vague shapes and colours of the area. It was a small room and the walls were made of damp stone.

There was a door, which was closed and most likely locked. If not locked, then barricaded. Or maybe your captors figured you wouldn’t be able to get up to even try and leave.

You’d been alone for a while. What May was waiting for, you didn’t know. Perhaps she was planning what she wanted to do with you.

The only thing you cared about was that Joel was safe, and would get back to Jackson. To Ellie and Tommy.

Between blurred moments of consciousness, you realised you were no longer alone in the room.

The familiar woman must have just come in. She was stood by the door, arms folded, watching you stiffly lay there on the ground.

“Your boyfriend finally left.” May sighed with relief, smirking when you shuffled around on the floor with a faint groan. “Took off on his horse a few minutes ago. Guess he didn’t really give that much of a shit about you.”

You tried to move your arms to push yourself up but they felt numbed. It would hurt too much to move, so you resigned to just laying there completely still. Your vision was still hazy but you could make out that ugly smile on her face.

May chuckled and walked over, crouching in front of you and staring like she was watching an animal writhe around in a trap.

“I could’ve killed you, you know.” She spoke after a moment, reaching her hand down to stroke over your hair. You felt a wave of nausea rush over you when her finger prodded over your wound. “Probably should have.”

She retracted her hand, standing over you now. “I’m sure Father wouldn’t have wanted me to be doing this…taking pleasure in your pain…dragging out the inevitable…” She trailed off as the continuous drip of water trickled somewhere outside of the room.

“But Father isn’t here.”

You let out a whimper of pain as the injury to your head throbbed, white hot. You couldn’t tell whether or not it was bleeding. If it was, you’d probably be dead by now.

“Sometimes punishment is necessary if one steps out of line.” May breathed out like she was some sort of parent scolding her child.

“You fail to see the sacrifice your dad made to save us all. Any one of us should be willing to make a sacrifice for the greater good.”

“Y-you’re sick…” It came out croaky and weak, it didn’t even sound like your voice. Your mouth was so dry and your lips felt like sandpaper when you spoke.

May tutted condescendingly, leaning against the wall in the corner. “We would’ve all starved had your dad not been sacrificed. Everything we do…did…was out of love!”

“L-love?” You managed to spit out, trembling on the floor from the pain in your skull. “You call this love?”

“Punishment and love are one with each other, you should know this by now.” She responded with sickly sweetness. “It doesn’t even matter now. The point is…”

She walked back over and crouched beside you as you stayed laying on the floor. “We are going to kill you, because you should be punished.”

“You are a dissenter. A heretic. A psycho who followed us out here instead of making peace with yourself, and moving on.”

She smiled down at you, and you wanted to beat the shit out of her but you could barely move anymore. “And…” She added, dragging it out with that smirk you hated. “We’re going to make it hurt, because you need to be taught a lesson.”

“You are going to be sacrificed for the good of our group. You came here to kill us, and now we have to retaliate.”

She stood back up and you watched as she towered over you, body shadowed by the lamp that was lit in the corner on the floor. You could just about see that sadistic grin on her face.

“Get some rest. You’re gonna need it for what we have in store for you.” She chuckled.

Her foot raised, before kicking you directly in the stomach. You cried out in pain, black dots forming in your vision as you writhed. The darkness was beginning to close in, consciousness threatening to slip away from you.

May swiftly left the room after that. Sweat trickled down your body, hands trembling as you curled up in a ball on the floor.

Despite all resistance, the darkness was forming in your vision and everything seemed to slip away once again, until you were finally sucked back in to the unknown.

It feels like there is a distinct emotional lens that you’re writing from (whether its based on personal experience or some distant memory)…its been really incredible to see how much the series has transformed and what new things you’re working on in between!

Much love, firka 🕊️

Hiii Firka!!! This is such a fun question but also lowkey super hard lmao.

I think my own mental health experiences have influenced the way I right! I align myself quite heavily with the character that I write as ‘reader’ in SYTI, which is probably inevitable given I’m writing from my own perspective kind of.

I also really like a lot of darker themes in media which sounds weird but I find them very interesting. I listen to Ethel Cain a lot, the aesthetic and the vibes of the art is something I feel so heavily. The films I watch/books I read are darker in aesthetic too!

My fav films that express this for me would be Girl Interrupted, The Craft, Heretic and other films similar to that. And my music speaks for itself, I listen to Ethel Cain an ungodly amount.

I wanted Sink Your Teeth In to really embody the darker sides of The Last of Us universe and the realistic things that people would experience, as well as the themes I’m interested in.

Warmth

A Joel Miller one-shot

Summary: Joel is a hot man who keeps you warm in the winter 😚

Includes: Literally just mushy fluff, I need Joel’s body heat so bad.

A/N: Pls send prompts for things you want me to write in my ‘ask anything’ inbox on my page! This is a short one ik but hopefully it’s still cute.

· · ─ ·✶· ─ · ·

Joel Miller was a human radiator.

The man just exuded heat, warmth coming off him in waves like a heated pillow.

It came in handy in the winter. Joel worked pretty late sometimes, especially when extra hands were needed in the cold weather. You always cooked dinner for Sarah and made sure to help with her homework while he was working.

And then you’d sit in bed, snug in the soft blankets with the bedside lamp on, just reading for hours. It didn’t matter what time he’d come home, you’d wait up for him anyway.

The cold always seeped in even with the windows shut so you knew you wouldn’t be able to fall asleep without his warmth.

It would always get to about eleven before the front door quietly opened, Joel’s boots padding across the wooden floors. Hearing the noise through your exhaustion, you slipped out of bed and pulled a blanket to wrap around yourself.

Bare feet tiptoed down the hallway, trying not to wake Sarah who was fast asleep in her room. You yawned, curling your arms pulling the blanket further around yourself.

A small, warm light was illuminated in the kitchen as you walked in, leaning against the doorway.

Joel was standing over the hob, a pot full of soup on top that you’d made for dinner earlier in the evening. He took some mouthfuls with a spoon, leaning over it with heavy lidded eyes.

You could tell from his posture that he was exhausted. The cold always made his shoulders and back ache, he’d told you that, and the way his head hung low showed it’d been a rough night. It was freezing outside, after all.

Silently, you crept up behind him and gently put your hands on his shoulders, rubbing them in an affectionate massage. He jumped slightly, having not heard you.

“Thought you’d be asleep by now.” Joel sighed quietly, voice gruff with exhaustion.

He turned and your hands slid away from his shoulders, a soft smile adorning your face when he curled his arms around you through the blanket.

Your chest pressed right up against his and you pushed your cheek to his front, arms snaking around his middle. “Mmph, you’re warm.” You muttered, words slurred as your eyes closed from the heat of his body.

Joel chuckled, his hand threading through the back of your hair and just cuddling you in the middle of the kitchen.

With a free hand he took another spoonful of soup, groaning at the taste which made you smile. “Sarah alright?” He asked.

You nodded against his chest, nuzzling your face against him even more. You could’ve easily fallen asleep standing up like that, cuddling him.

After a few moments Joel put his spoon down, leaning down slightly before effortlessly scooping you up by your thighs, wrapping your legs around his waist with his hands holding you up.

Even with his back problems he would always pick you up and carry you.

“C’mon, let’s get some sleep.” He whispered in your ear, using one hand to quickly switch the kitchen light off. You buried your face in his neck, leaving little kisses to his skin absentmindedly.

He carried you into the bedroom through the darkness, and the light poured into the hallway when he opened the bedroom door.

The sheets were already pulled back so he set you down on the bed. You shrugged off the blanket to bury yourself under the duvet, snuggling against the pillow and watching him strip out of his work clothes.

The moment he was in bed with you, only in his boxers, you slid over to him and curled your entire body around him. He smiled through his tiredness as your legs tangled between his, head resting on his chest with your arms over his torso.

“Can’t get much closer than that, sweetheart.” Joel mumbled and you giggled softly, shifting your head and burying your face into his shoulder.

“Mhm.” You hummed, taking in his scent as his body heat began to seep into yours. The winter chill was easily warded off by his presence. “You’re like a human radiator.” You whispered.

Joel grinned, shaking his head and tangling his fingers in your hair. He stroked your head and brushed his fingers along your hairline, your forehead and temples with love. “And you smell gorgeous.” Joel whispered and took a deep inhale of your hair.

You’d already begun to doze off, body practically on top of Joel’s as your eyes closed. His strokes of your hair lulled you into a light sleep, falling in and out of consciousness.

A kiss pressed to your forehead, and then to your cheek. Another to your closed eyelids making you chuckle. More down the bridge of your nose and then the corners of your lips.

“G’night, baby.” Joel whispered with one last lazy kiss to your lips as you slipped into a hazy sleep, fuelled by his heavenly body heat.

“Goodnight.” You whispered, the word barely even intelligible. Joel soothed you to sleep with his warmth and the strokes of your hair. His lips rested on your cheek, soft breaths brushing against your skin.

You could fall asleep with him like this every day forever. It was heaven.

In fact, it made you think maybe winter wasn’t so bad.

Sink Your Teeth In

A Joel Miller Fan Fiction

Chapter 18 - May

Summary: You were brought to Jackson a shell, a husk of yourself. No one knew anything about you, not even your name. Struggling with Jackson life, and your troubling past, you meet Joel Miller. A man with just as much blood on his hands. You won’t let him save you, and you sure as hell won’t save him.

OR

You and Joel Miller learn you’re more alike than you’d ever admit. Maybe you’ll both learn how to feel alive again.

Warnings: Graphic descriptions of typical tlou gore and violence, suicidal thoughts and self harm (remember there are people to talk to 🫶), mentions of cannibalism, religious trauma, grief, brief possible eating disorder, fluff and eventual smut, swearing. let me know if i missed any.

A/N: Hope you enjoy this slightly shorter chapter! Please send me suggestions for fan fics you want in between these series chapters! Leave comments and lmk what u think, take care of yourselves 🫶

Chapter 19

—————

The first thing you smelt was blood.

Wet, seeping iron of blood lingered in the air, filling the senses and bringing you back to consciousness. Ringing pierced through your ears, light beaming on the back of your closed eyelids.

A groan escaped you, a hot dull pain throbbing through your skull. It felt like you’d been hit by a truck at full speed. Everything hurt and the lights were already too bright even with your eyes shut.

“You’re awake.” A woman’s voice, familiar and drowned out from the swimming blood in your head, echoed through the disappearing darkness.

The ringing was loud, almost overpowering. You tried squinting your eyes open, the whiteness blinding you.

You managed to get at least one eye open, and you saw a figure wearing black leaning against the wall at the other end of the room. It looked like you were in the dining room like before.

Upon trying to move, you found that you couldn’t. Looking down through the blur of your vision, you noticed you were in fact restrained by thick knots of rope to a dining chair.

“Where is he?” It came out distant, secondary, like it wasn’t even whispered from your own lips. It sounded like you. You figured you must have said it out loud.

The woman came into view as she stepped closer and through the haze of your mind you recognised her as May. You knew that ratty ginger hair and slightly crooked nose anywhere.

“Right over there.” She replied and gestured to the archway of the room, where the kitchen was in full view.

There Joel was, tied to a chair just like you. Despite how beaten up you felt, you soon figured he was having it worse.

His right eye was slightly swollen, bruises blossoming on his cheek. Crimson trickled down from his nose and over his cut lip. It made you jolt in your chair once it fully registered, tugging violently at your restraints.

As you tried through your haze induced weakness, you felt a harsh prod of something against the wound on your head and cried out. Someone behind you must have jabbed something metal against the injury, and a wave of dizziness washed over you.

You wanted to throw up but held it back, swallowing and gasping trying to ride out the nausea.

May chuckled, shaking her head. “You really came all this way? Just for us? I’m flattered, truly.” A smirk rested on her smug face and you wanted to rip it off with your bare hands.

“Save me the fucking speech.” You spat out, and liquid trickled out of your mouth making you choke and splutter. It was blood, you knew because it sprayed on to your trousers as you coughed.

May tutted, clicking her tongue and moving over to crouch in front of you. “You’re not exactly in a position to be talking to me like that.” She sighed with exaggerated disapproval.

You spat directly in her face, and it landed grotesquely on her cheek like a red paint splatter. You gasped for breath, still feeling winded as she wiped it with disgust from her face with her sleeve.

“Let him go.” You rasped out, voice scratched from the coughing and the blood in your throat. The iron filled your senses, the taste of violence and metal coating your teeth.

May stared up at you from where she crouched, arms resting on her knees and a smug look on her face. “Now why would we do that? He tried to shoot one of our people.” She smiled and raised her eyebrows. “So much unnecessary violence. It’s ridiculous, really.”

“You butchered my dad, you bitch.” You yelled, fighting the restrains again before another prod pushed at your head trauma, making you yelp and nearly vomit all of your insides out.

“Thats a rather harsh way of looking at it.” May’s hand touched your knee and you tried to kick her but your ankles were tightly tied to the chair legs. “We did what we had to do to survive. Surely you can understand that.”

You spluttered, gasping for breath and glancing over at Joel who sat there, bloodied and beaten without moving an inch. You almost thought he was unconscious until you noticed he was watching everything through squinted eyes.

“You murdered my father.” You choked out, pain thrumming through your head so badly you could barely even hear. “And then you laughed about it. So no, I guess I don’t understand.”

“We all made sacrifices.” May hissed out, that smile from earlier completely wiped away and replaced by nothing but anger.

“We all did what we had to. We helped each other, gave what we could. Our Father gave us commands and we followed them because they kept us alive.”

“You treated him like he was some sort of God.” You laughed, shaking your head before realising how painful it was to do so. You grimaced, swallowing that iron laced around your teeth. “He was not a man of God. He was a man who cared only for himself.”

A slap was delivered clean on your right cheek, knocking the breath from your lungs. The skin burned from where May’s hand had collided, and she shook off her wrist like it was nothing.

“How can you say that!?” She yelled, slamming her fist down on the dining table so loud it made your temples pulse.

“He took care of us! He fed us, kept a roof over our heads! How can you say that!? He was our saviour-”

“Bullshit!” You yelled with all of your strength, and another slap followed. It felt like it may have knocked a tooth loose.

May panted for breath with gritted teeth, fists clenching at her sides. “Your dad was not a man of faith! He was a coward! He planned to run away with you and that little bitch of a girl you call your sister!”

You saw red. You fought, screaming and kicking against your restraints.

The man behind you went to raise the metal pipe in his hands but May put her hand out, stopping him from delivering another blow.

As you screamed and struggled, May stormed over to where Joel was tied up. She whipped out her gun and shoved it right up to the side of Joel’s head, and you immediately paused.

A grin formed on her face, toothy and satisfied. “Ah. That’s it, isn’t it.” She chuckled, releasing the safety on her gun making you choke on your own breath.

“Don’t you fucking dare!” You screamed in her direction. Joel seemed to try and move where he was sat, weak in his movements, but May shoved the barrel harder against his temple.

You let out a whimper, the pain in your skull barely tolerable anymore. This was bad. Very bad. One wrong move and May would shoot Joel.

You stopped moving, panting for breath which seemed to satisfy the woman. She walked carefully back towards you, standing over you so you had to tilt your head to meet her eyes.

“Our Father was a good man.” She whispered, looming over you as rain hammered down against the house windows.

“He saved us, don’t you see? And you ran away. Despite everything you did, all the mistakes you made, he took care of you. Didn’t abandon you.”

“All he ever did was love you.”

“You think that was love?” You huffed out, anguish written all over your face. Blood tricked down your forehead through your hair.

Joel grunted in pain from his seat in the kitchen and some man behind him grabbed his hair to keep his head up to watch you.

May smiled. “You weren’t the only one he treated differently, you know.” She sighed, staring off into the distance like she was reliving the memories. “He gave all of the girls special treatment. But you…” She trailed off, standing up and shaking her head.

“You were chosen.” She seemed upset at the thought, gripping the front of her shirt tightly. “You were Father’s favourite. And all you did in return was fuck it up.” She had gone into a whisper, full of genuine despair.

You watched, astounded. Full of disbelief. “Your dad was corrupting you, we all saw it. We all knew it.” She huffed out, moving across the room while deep in thought. “We were all starving. Father decided to kill two birds with one stone.”

“You psycho bitch.” You whispered, in complete disbelief. How could someone be so blinded?

All she did was laugh in return, making her way back over to you and you flinched. She hovered over you, towering and smiling like a maniac. “You’ve lost all of your faith.” May whispered and you stared up at her, waiting for anything.

“You’ve lost all your faith. You’re a lost cause.” She sighed with feigned disappointment.

“You’re going to hell no matter what. Might as well get you there sooner rather than later, right?”

Joel seemed to struggle weakly against the restraints but the man behind him tugged at his hair, warning him. He soon stopped, too beaten to do much about it. You doubted he was even barely registering anything that was happening.

You glared up at May, watching as she stood in front of you like she was calculating what the next move should be. Thinking of a how to deal with you.

It came out slow. Quiet and steadier than anything else you’d said so far.

“Let him go.”

May raised an eyebrow at you, going to speak but you interrupted. “Let him go, and you can do whatever you want with me.”

She seemed skeptical, eyeing you as if trying to decipher what you truly meant.

Through raspy breaths, you managed another sentence or two. “You let him go without hurting him anymore, and I’m all yours.” You whispered. “I know I’m gonna die. But if you leave him alone, I won’t struggle. Hell, you can make it hurt, I don’t care.”

“Just please.”

You panted for breath, gradually weakening. “Show him mercy, May.”

You’d told Joel this whole time to leave at any signs of danger and he’d promised you he would. If you could give him the chance to get back home to Ellie, to Tommy, you would do that.

The woman stared down at you, and then looked back over at Joel. It looked like he was barely even conscious anymore. The man had stopped holding him upright and his body sagged slightly, too weakened to hold himself up.

The man standing behind Joel’s chair piped up. “What do we do, May?” He asked, a gruff voice behind his black mask.

May bit down on her lip. Your words about showing him mercy in exchange for you seemed to have an effect. You knew how to work her like a charm. She was so blinded by religion that you knew what words to choose, even in your hazy state.

“Let him go.” She called out to the man, eyes locked on you without a glance in their direction.

Your face fell in relief, bowing your head and feeling the blood trickle further down your face. The man seemed to be confused, cocking his head. “But-“

“Shut up.” May stopped his words, shaking her head seriously. “Let him go.” She muttered, chewing on her lip.

When the man didn’t move, she spun her head round to look at him and raised her voice. “It’s not code, Yosef! Take him to his horse and leave him there, now!”

The man quickly began to untie Joel, suddenly lifting him up and another guy came from behind you, helping to drag Joel out of the doors.

You shut your eyes, not wanting to see it. You figured it might make it easier to block Joel from your mind.

He would be safe. He would be fine now. If Joel had any sense, he would ride back to Jackson the moment he got a little stronger.

Your heart pounded against your rib cage, trying to escape and leave with Joel as he was dragged out of the house into the pouring rain.

Suddenly, a loud booming growl of thunder rolled through the town and you jumped, fear immediately filling your entire body. Seconds later, a blinding flash of lightning poured in through the windows and was gone with a blink.

You had begun to tremble without even realising it. You hated thunderstorms.

“Aww.” May grinned with satisfaction and cooed mockingly at you. “Someone afraid of a little thunder and lightning?”

Your hands trembled uncontrollably in your restrains and you tried to get a hold of yourself but couldn’t.

The only time you’d ever found yourself in a thunderstorm was when you and Taylor were on the run. It had been the very same night she died.

“That’s cute.” May grinned, baring her teeth.

It was just you two in the house now. Glancing back at the door, you noticed two figures stood outside through the windows. This was a bigger group than you’d thought it would be.

You looked back at her, seeing that sadistic look on her face and your heart was thumping so hard you thought it might come out of your throat.

May sighed, standing over you. “Well, this will be fun.”

You prayed to God Joel would get back to Ellie. That he would ride his horse back to Jackson and never look back.

You were going to die in this house. If not that night, then the next. You would die alone, with no comfort and nothing but the cold and a powerful storm.

Nobody was going to save you.

Sink Your Teeth In

A Joel Miller Fan Fiction

Chapter 17 - Lewistown

Summary: You were brought to Jackson a shell, a husk of yourself. No one knew anything about you, not even your name. Struggling with Jackson life, and your troubling past, you meet Joel Miller. A man with just as much blood on his hands. You won’t let him save you, and you sure as hell won’t save him.

OR

You and Joel Miller learn you’re more alike than you’d ever admit. Maybe you’ll both learn how to feel alive again.

Warnings: Graphic descriptions of typical tlou gore and violence, suicidal thoughts and self harm (remember there are people to talk to 🫶), mentions of cannibalism, religious trauma, grief, brief possible eating disorder, fluff and eventual smut, swearing. let me know if i missed any.

A/N: Shit is about to get much more serious guys!!! Hope you guys enjoy, please leave comments and send in prompts for future fics and one shots I can post in between chapters!! Take care of yourselves!

Chapter 18

—————

You were close now.

You knew it, and so did Joel. It lingered like campfire smoke in the air, a dark cloud looming over your heads like the one gradually drawing in up above. A storm was brewing, mentally and literally.

The air was cracking with electricity, horses trotting towards the town just visible in the distance. Lewistown. The place you’d been searching for was right there within reach. Right over the mountains settled comfortably between three large rocky peaks.

A pit of dread had settled in Joel’s stomach.

Things had been so calm and so peaceful over the last few days besides the situation back at the diner in Wyoming. All of that was about to be ruined. Neither of you knew what you’d be walking in to, but you’d made it very clear it didn’t matter.

You knew what you were here to do, and nothing was going to get in your way.

“What’s the plan?” Joel called out to you. You were mounted on Snow, right at the edge of a small cliff looking out at the seemingly unoccupied town.

There were no lights to be seen, even as evening drew closer. The sunset wasn’t much to look at either, because the darkness of the coming storm muted the orange and turned it deep grey.

You didn’t look back at him. You took a deep breath, smelling that scent of dreaded thunder and rain that had begun to settle over the mountains.

“We wait until dark.” It came out muttered. Distant. That person Joel had seen the last few days was slipping out of his grasp.

He had to do something.

He dismounted his horse, feet thumping on to the dirt before he made his way over. You did the same, thinking it was about time to get a small camp ready to wait until nightfall.

“Hey.” He breathed out, turning you to face him and holding the sides of your arms.

You stared up at him, glancing briefly down at his hands touching you over your sleeves with confusion. Your eyes softened, worrying about whatever he was going to say next. He looked anxious…determined in a strange way. Hesitant.

Joel shuffled on his feet, letting your arms go after a moment as if he thought touching you was a dangerous game. He didn’t speak for a moment which only heightened your sense of unease.

“What is it?” You asked, and to his surprise you reached up and cupped his face in your hands with startling gentleness.

A breeze came through and ruffled your hair, and you watched his eyes close at your touch. Finally, after a few moments he spoke, eyes snapping open and looking right into yours.

“You don’t have to do this.”

You stared at him, not processing his words. The wind rustled the trees just behind you, branches dancing as birds chirped.

A minute went by before your hands fell from his face, confusion swimming behind your eyes. Joel let out a sigh at the loss of touch, watching you with such desperation it struck you.

“What?” You breathed out, shaking your head. “I don’t…”

You tensed when his hands met your shoulders. “We can go back. We can turn around right now, and we can go home-”

You stepped back so his hands fell from your shoulders, eyebrows furrowing as a whirlwind of emotions stirred in your chest.

“What? Why would I want to go back? Why now?” You huffed out, face full of confusion. It felt like you didn’t understand the words coming out of his mouth.

“Is this really what you want?” Joel breathed out, chest heavy with the weight of his heart that he would give to you if he could. “We could go home! If you think this is gonna give you some kinda closure, it won’t-“

“-How would you know?” You snapped, eyes darkening at his words as a light drizzle of rain began to fall from the sky, darkening the dirty plaid shirt that sat on top of your stained white vest.

“I told you what I was comin’ here to do, Joel.” One of your fingers pointed at his chest, eyes full of warning and frustration. “You knew what you were getting yourself into. Are you having second thoughts? If you wanna go back, then feel free-“

“I don’t want you to hurt yourself even more, kid…” He breathed out, clearly frustrated trying to put his point across. He sighed, running a hand through his dampening hair from the rain. “They’re gone, and it can stay that way. You’d never have to see ‘em again…”

“I don’t care!” You yelled, silence quickly filling the air as your voice echoed away.

Joel stared at you like he’d been slapped and you just stood there, chest heaving as you both stood under the light rain.

A few seconds went by, both mulling in the knowledge of what you were about to do in just a matter of hours.

“If you came here with me thinking you could change my mind, then you must not know me at all.” You spoke a little quieter but just as bitter, looking away and staring at the trees off to the side instead of looking at Joel.

His chest was full of desperation, a need to pull you away from this town and get you back to Jackson. Get you back to safety. He wanted the person you’d become over the last few days back.

“It ain’t like that…” Joel muttered, shaking his head hoping to God you’d listen. “I want you safe, I wanna…I wanna kiss you without thinkin’ about how I’m gonna keep you alive the next day.”

Sickness stirred in your stomach, rising in your throat and your chest felt tight. It was all so overwhelming.

The moment those vulnerable feelings began to surface, you shoved them down and replaced them with aggression hoping it would save you.

Your eyes narrowed and you stared up at him, shaking your head. “I’m ending this, Joel. I’m killing these fuckers whether or not you’re here to help me.” It was hissed out, venomous and ready.

Joel shook his head and tried to fight off the anger building in his bones. “Of course I’m here, I just…” He broke off, praying you’d change your mind for once and listen to him.

“No, Joel.” You snapped, getting closer and standing so that your face was close to his.

“I don’t need saving. I don’t need you to be my knight in shining fucking armour. I am killing these people. They killed my dad. I’m doing this for him, and for Taylor. You can’t do a goddamn thing about it.”

His eyes were full of pleading, but he was slowly beginning to admit defeat.

After a moment, you walked away from him and grabbed your equipment for a makeshift camp, looking back at him. “Are you with me, or not?”

He wanted to drag you back to Jackson. Wanted to show you that this wasn’t worth it, but he couldn’t.

He knew grief, knew its cruelty and unrelenting torture. He felt it every day for Sarah. So how could he change your mind when you felt it for your family too?

Without a word, Joel grabbed his tarpaulin sheet from his horse and stormed off towards the edge of the forest, getting ready to make a small shelter from the rain that was bound to get worse.

You just shook your head, hoping he’d help you when it came down to it. If you knew him as well as you thought you did, then he would.

—————

The rain got worse over the following few hours.

It crashed down across the mountains, heavy and harsh with a terrible sense of foreboding. The thunder and lightning was bound to follow soon, it was just a matter of when.

Dark had fallen across Lewistown, stars hidden away by clouds. You’d taken the lead now, letting Joel be the one to follow with reluctance as you had been doing during your travels.

When you were both a short distance away from the town, you tied your horses under the canopies of trees and began to head over on foot, weapons at the ready. There was no predicting how many people would be here.

At least now you knew the place was occupied. A few lights glowed through the windows of a house just a few winding roads into the centre of town. People were definitely here, and the fear was beginning to set in for Joel.

Not for you, though. Joel was starting to understand how you’d survived for so long after escaping David’s cult.

There was danger in your eyes. A calculation he’d never seen before, a swiftness and stealth he hadn’t expected. He’d heard whispers about your patrol training, but never knew just how true those rumours were.

You walked ahead, leading you both behind a row of hours very close to the occupied ones.

You’d told him you wanted to try and get a glance through the windows, just to see what was there, or who. So, you made your way through the pouring rain towards the back of the houses.

Things were tense. Alarmingly so. Joel wasn’t the type of person to feel such fear in stressful situations. Hell, he’d been in his fair share of them. But something felt off. Something was wrong, and he couldn’t figure out what.

You were both soaked to the bone as you instructed Joel to wait behind one of the other buildings, which he did without complaint. You quickly crouched and moved slowly to the occupied building, hoping to see through the window on the side.

Joel watched you as you ducked directly beneath the window that glowed through the darkness.

It felt silent, too silent. There were no voices, no signs of movement. Something was very very wrong.

Joel wanted to signal to you, to get your attention but stopped. He didn’t know what made him pause, but he did. You lifted your head and peeked over the ledge of the window, lingering there for a few seconds.

A few moments passed before you made a hand signal gesturing for him to come over. You looked worried and confused, and he immediately ran over through the flooded road and puddles on the path.

“What?” He asked in a hushed whisper, faces both dripping in rain which made it hard to see.

You crouched beside him, shaking your head. “There’s no one in there.” You breathed out, thinking it over in your head.

Joel’s eyebrows furrowed and he peeked through the window himself, and also became increasingly confused.

You were right. The room was lit by kerosene lamps, and tables lined the edges of the room with random equipment on them. It was empty.

There were no bags, no weapons or anything inside. Just random ropes on the tables and maps, as well as some books.

“Something’s wrong.” Joel whispered, getting the feeling his instincts were right. He turned to face you, pleading in his eyes. “Somethings wrong, we’ve gotta-“

You stood up suddenly, walking away from Joel through the rain.

He stood, quickly following you with alarm. “What are you doing!?” He called out to you in a harsh breath, trying to grab you from behind.

You were angry. So fucking angry. You couldn’t wait anymore. You didn’t know what the fuck they were playing at. You just wanted it over and done with.

Through the rain you stormed over to the door of the house, and immediately began to kick at it with force. Joel moved to grab at you to get you to stop, but you harshly shoved him away and kicked and kicked until the latch came loose.

The door swung open so loud it clattered throughout the empty house, and you stormed through with your knife in hand.

“Where the fuck are you!?” You screamed into the emptiness of the lit house, practically bulldozing your way through into each room checking for signs of anyone. Panic and desperation surged through your veins.

“Kid!” Joel yelled over the noise you made as you shoved your way through the rooms, stuff clattering to the ground from being knocked off of tables. “Stop!”

“Jerry!” You yelled through the house, moving towards the back into what looked like a kitchen. “Clancy! May! Get the fuck out here! Where are you!?”

“The fuck are you doin’?” Joel grabbed you by the arms, spinning you around to try and stop you but you shoved him so hard he nearly fell into a table.

You were muttering things under your breath, slamming your way through the kitchen. You were having some sort of breakdown.

You’d both come all this way, they had to be here. They had to. The lamps were on. They were here, you knew they were.

Joel just stood there and watched you. He didn’t know what else to do. Surely someone would show up soon, and then you’d both be in real danger.

“Where the fuck are they!?” You yelled more to yourself than anyone, breathing a little too fast for your heart to keep up with. You stood still in the middle of the dining room, panting and eyes darting around frantically.

“We gotta get outta here.” Joel breathed out to himself, shaking his head and going to grab you again but you moved away.

“No, Joel they’re here! I know they are!” You shouted, running a hand through your wet hair. All rational thought and planning had gone out of the fucking window.

You turned to face Joel, staring at him where he stood through the archway to the dining room. You were stood in the centre by the door leading out, which was open a slight crack.

“Kid, we’ve gotta go…” Joel breathed out, anxious for whatever was about to happen. He could feel it. His hand was twitching over his gun holster on his hip, at the ready. “Someone’s gonna come, we’ve gotta g-“

A creak of the floorboards broke both of you out of whatever moment you’d both been trapped in. You stared at Joel, eyes wide and frantic, and something came from your left in your peripherals.

It came fast, sudden and unseen.

You barely had time to swing around to defend yourself before something hard struck you over the head, and everything went blurred.

The next thing you knew, you were on the floor and a ringing pierced through your ears.

Joel immediately aimed his gun at the assailant. A figure in all black, mask and everything, came from through the doorway where you’d been standing nearby, a large pipe in their hands.

His finger twitched over the trigger, about to shoot when hands immediately grabbed at him from behind.

A bullet whizzed through the air from his gun, hitting the wall above the dining table before the weapon was being wrestled out of his hand.

Joel struggled against the two people who had now restrained him, also masked and in all black. “Don’t fucking hurt her!” He growled out at the person lingering in the dining room above you.

You lay unmoving on the floor, fading in and out of consciousness. Blood was seeping through your hair from where you’d been bludgeoned.

The figure stared down at you, before glancing back up at Joel who was completely restrained now, the two people holding him clearly way stronger than him.

The figure reached their hand up, grabbing at the mask hiding their face, before slowly pulling it down and throwing off their hood.

It was a woman, about your age or maybe older. Ratty ginger hair and a deadly scowl resting on her features. Joel remembered seeing her in Jackson the day you’d lunged at them. This must be May.

She took a deep breath, sniffling and letting the pipe clatter to the floor by your twitching body.

“You’re gonna be okay kid!” Joel called out to you, fear seeping through his body as his heartbeat thrummed through his ears. He didn’t know what the fuck to do.

He’d frozen. He’d known something was wrong, that something was off from the start. He hadn’t tried hard enough to get you out of there, and now you lay barely conscious on the floor.

“I don’t think she will.” The woman spoke, voice leathery and scratched in the most unpleasant way. She moved carefully across the room, leaving you on the floor, and standing right in front of Joel.

He glared right at her, running through every option in his head of how to get out of this. How to get you out of this.

He didn’t have much time to think about it, because May was standing right in front of him.

“She won’t be okay.” May sighed. “Not after we’re done with you both.”

She brought her fist back, and the punch landed so hard it knocked the wind out of Joel.

Everything went blank, and the thoughts of getting you out to safety slipped from his mind into unconsciousness.

Sink Your Teeth In

A Joel Miller Fan Fiction

Chapter 16 - Fever Dreams

Summary: You were brought to Jackson a shell, a husk of yourself. No one knew anything about you, not even your name. Struggling with Jackson life, and your troubling past, you meet Joel Miller. A man with just as much blood on his hands. You won’t let him save you, and you sure as hell won’t save him.

OR

You and Joel Miller learn you’re more alike than you’d ever admit. Maybe you’ll both learn how to feel alive again.

Warnings: Graphic descriptions of typical tlou gore and violence, suicidal thoughts and self harm (remember there are people to talk to 🫶), mentions of cannibalism, religious trauma, grief, brief possible eating disorder, fluff and eventual smut, swearing. let me know if i missed any.

A/N: Hope you enjoy this chapter, I wrote it while listening to Sun Bleached Flies by Ethel on literal repeat for hours and I think it reflects that lmao. Please comment and lmk what you think! Take care of yourselves 🫶

Chapter 17

—————

The rain calmed at some point through the night.

You and Joel had stayed in the damp, cool overgrown music store all day long, exhausted by the weight of the conflict you’d both dealt with. You especially felt it, your hip chasing its own painful heartbeat with every movement you made.

Joel’s guitar playing had put you to sleep for most of the afternoon and deep into the evening. By the time you even regained a sense of consciousness it was pitch black outside.

The first thing that came to you was the pain, so your face scrunched with a whimper as heat rushed across your skin. Your hand came to rest over your bandaged hip as you began to squint your eyes open, breaths heavy and tired.

Joel was watching you, rifle resting on his lap.

His eyes were warmer than the feverish heat of your skin, burning into you like more bullet holes. It was a pain you could get used to, the scorch of his gaze and the sizzle of his fingertips on your skin, like burning cigarettes pressed into your arms.

You focused on him as the blur in your vision faded out, clearing up as his features became visible. “Fuck, it’s hot in here.” Were the first words that slipped from your dry lips, lungs pushing and pulling in air weakly.

Joel immediately sat up, putting his gun aside and shuffling over to you. You tensed, swallowing the cotton lump in your throat as the back of his hand pressed to your forehead.

“You’re runnin’ a bit of a fever.” He sighed anxiously, voice steady but that familiar secure look in his eyes wavering. Your eyes fluttered closed as his touch cooled your head slightly, any touch of his feeling like a saviour in the moment.

Maybe it was the fever talking, but it felt like perhaps you needed his touch to even fucking breathe.

“Brought some penicillin from Jackson. Lucky I did, huh.” Joel huffed and shook his head, and it felt like he was talking to himself more than you.

Through the haze of your vision you kept watching him, eyes wide and adoring like he was easing the pain just from being close to you.

He rummaged through his backpack for the medicine and you let out steady, shallow breaths through your mouth.

“I don’t believe in God, Joel.” You muttered out of absolutely nowhere, voice weak with the flashes of heat rushing through your body.

He glanced at you with concern and confusion as he searched for the penicillin. “What?” He raised an eyebrow, going back to looking in the bag.

Your mouth was drier than the dead grass in the fields not even a mile away from this town. Dust floated through the musky dampness of the store, the smell of mildew lingering everywhere as campfire smoke does.

“I used to believe in God.” You muttered, clutching the wound on your hip tighter as if the throbbing pain was better than focusing on the fever. “Used to. My dad was a man of God. Brought me up that way.”

Joel kept throwing you concerned glances and he didn’t interrupt you, just focused on finding the penicillin so he could put a stop to the potential infection that was brewing on your hip.

“Until I realised there can’t be a God.” You whispered, chuckling to yourself with exhaustion. Clearly the wound was infected, otherwise the fever wouldn’t have come so quickly.

“No, there can’t be.” Joel muttered in response, not really knowing what to say to you.

“No.” You agreed with a louder laugh, head feeling weightless and fuzzy like you were up out of your body. “No, there fucking can’t be. If God was real, people wouldn’t get shot! The world wouldn’t have fucking ended!” You giggled, shaking your head.

“It’s so goddamn stupid, Joel.” You grinned up at the man lazily as he pulled out the bottle of penicillin, getting a syringe and preparing to inject you. “It’s so stupid. God wouldn’t have let my dad die. God wouldn’t have let my sister die. God wouldn’t…”

You trailed off, wincing as Joel quickly injected you, not even giving you a warning.

“Fuckin’ hell old man, give me a warning first next time!” You snapped, resting your drowsy head back against the display you were propped up against.

“Shut up, kid.” Joel muttered tiredly, moving to sit beside you in the darkness of the store. The only light in the place was the deep blue of the moon beaming through the dirty windows.

You glared at him but didn’t say anything back, just stayed sitting there.

The two of you were silent for a while, basking in the melancholy glow of the room that illuminated the dust specs floating around aimlessly.

A few minutes passed before your quiet voice breathed into the silence. “Joel.” You whispered softly, breathless with fever in the night. You felt his eyes meet the side of your face as you stared at the wall.

When he said nothing, you spoke. “Does love always hurt so much?” It was whispered. Quiet, resigned. Sad.

Joel’s eyes weakened their intense stare and he sucked in a breath, having not expected this sudden heavy question. He thought about it for a while, chewing the inside of his cheek like you always did.

“Can’t love anythin’ without gettin’ hurt.” He finally spoke, gentle voice but words that made your heart bleed heavier in your chest.

“Everything and everyone I’ve ever loved either dies or leaves.” You picked at your sleeves, dragging your nails over your arms over the top of the fabric. “Maybe I’m cursed.”

“You’re not cursed.” Joel cut you offs quickly, meeting your eyes intensely and shaking his head. It seemed like he wasn’t going to take any other response for it. “You’ve been through a lotta shit…ain’t none of that your fault.”

You looked away from him, exhausted, staring down at your bony hands.

“I’m scared to move, I’m scared to fuckin’ breathe around anyone…everything around me fucking dies Joel.” Your voice wavered with every word, and you fought to keep it steady.

“I’m a violent person.” You whispered, water welling in your eyes, glazing them over. “I keep killing people. I killed so many people to get here Joel. So many. I- I don’t know why I can’t stop.” Your bottom lip trembled.

“C’mere.” Joel muttered as he heard you choke on your next words, pulling you into his chest as a sob racked through your body.

You clung to him like he was saving you from drowning. You gripped fistfuls of his jacket, face buried in the crook of his neck as his arms cradled you like you were something to be careful not to break.

“I- I don’t want you to be next…” You sobbed out, sliding your arms around his shoulders and holding him like he’d disappear if you let go.

“I don’t want you to die because of me.” He clung to you tightly, and you breathed him in like oxygen.

“I’m not goin’ anywhere, sweetheart.”

His voice was smooth but cigarette scratched and you wanted to breathe all of him in. He was fresh, deep musky summer and you needed to get lost in it.

Joel let you sob into his shoulder for a long time, both of you sitting in the night as drips pattered to the floor through the cracks in the roof.

You pulled your face away from his shoulder after a little while, sniffling with sore red eyes as you looked at him. His eyes met yours, comforting and soothing as the fever kept pulsing through your temples.

“You better keep your promise, Joel.” You whispered, swallowing another sob that threatened to wrack through your bones.

“You won’t put yourself in harms way for me. You’ll run in the opposite direction if anything happens to me.”

He muttered your name, a word so foreign to your ears that it left a strange aftertaste on your tongue. You panted a little for breath, eyes flicking between both of his.

Joel cradled your face in his hands, holding you like you were the most precious thing in the fucking world in that moment.

“We’re both makin’ it back to Jackson.” He said with such conviction it startled you. He sounded more determined than anyone you’d ever met.

“You’ll come over for dinner every fuckin’ night, watch movies with me and Ellie if it’ll make you happy. It doesn’t matter. We’ll get back, safe, and it won’t matter what we do.” His thumbs softly brushed over the bones of your cheeks, caressing the skin.

You startled both him and yourself when you pressed your mouth to his own.

The pressure was all consuming. The pressure of his lips on yours, grounding and rooting you to the earth as if you’d nearly been floating away.

He kissed you back like he’d been praying to God for it.

You snaked your arms around his shoulders, hands cupping the back of his head as you inhaled his smoke stained breath and chapped lips.

It was more intoxicating than any drink at the Tipsy Bison. More deep and heavy than anything you’d ever felt.

Last time you’d kissed, you’d barely had time to really feel it. You’d ran away like a coward. Heat rushed through you as you moved to sit in his lap, thighs either side of his own pressed so close to him a sheet of paper couldn’t fit between your bodies.

The softness of his hair through your fingers was something you never wanted to let go of. Joel was consuming you.

His tongue slid between your lips and all thought went flying out of the fucking window. Fireworks exploded in your stomach and chest, thrumming through your veins like electric live wire.

A breath of need escaped into his mouth as he took over your own, hands holding your face so gently it drove you crazy. Both of you held on to each other so tight you might as well have fused together.

You shuffled against him to push yourself even closer when a sharp stab of pain rushed to your wound and you winced, groaning against his lips.

Joel pulled away, lips glistening from the kiss as he held your face in his hands again. He was so so gentle. How could a man so dangerous be so tender?

“C’mon, lie down sweetheart.” He muttered, cradling you in his arms and laying you down on top of your sleeping bag.

You followed his movements, trying to be careful because the pain made your head pound. He laid you down gently, letting your body fall limp on your sleeping bag under the dust specs floating around under the moon’s glow.

“Joel.” You whispered as he settled you down, pulling the sleeping bag to cover your wound before his thumb caressed your sweaty hairline.

“Yeah?” He whispered in a soft, calming breath.

You could smell the scent of smoke on his skin from campfires and tobacco. “I’m kind of wishing I could’ve made a better first impression with you.”

That made Joel chuckle, shaking his head and scratching at the stubble on his chin. You wanted to lift your hands and brush the pads of your fingers across the growing hair and his soft skin.

“Forget about it.” He muttered, eyes looking down into yours as he leaned over you, propped up by his elbow. His brushes of your hair, so gentle and tender, had your eyes getting heavy. “I’ve seen crazy, and…you weren’t crazy.”

You gazed up into his warm coffee grain eyes and your eyelids drooped, savouring the residual feeling of pressure from his mouth on your lips. He continued. “You were scared. You were…I mean, you’ve been through hell. It doesn’t matter now.”

A smile graced your features and you finally closed your eyes, the fever causing you to drift in and out of consciousness.

Joel sighed, staying there beside you propped up with his free hand carding through your soft hair.

“Get some sleep, sweetheart. ‘M not goin’ anywhere.”

And with those words echoing through the cloudy fog in your mind, you slipped away into sleep with the smell of Joel’s skin filling your senses, lulling you to sleep.

—————

The next day felt lighter somehow.

Sun beat down on the vast expanse of beautiful mountains and fields, hot and muggy as cicadas hummed through the electric thrumming in the air.

After the shot of penicillin, you’d seemed to regain as much strength as you could the day after being shot.

You and Joel rode on your horses through thick pine forests and up the rocky mountains, sweat sticking to the skin but a cool breeze keeping you both relaxed.

You rode just ahead slightly, long sleeved shirt over your stained off white vest in those jeans you’d been living in since you’d traded with Maria for them.

Joel lagged behind to give you some room to breathe after the feverish afternoon you’d endured the day before. After the things you’d said and felt.

Neither of you had spoken about the kiss, but it still lingered in the air untouched and untainted. Like it was still good. Still fresh and hopeful.

Your head turned to glance over your shoulder, a soft smile gracing your lips when you saw him riding not far behind.

“We’re officially in Montana.” You called out to him, voice weakened but the most soft-hearted he’d ever heard it.

It was as if the darkest parts of you had shifted, hiding away in the furthest corners of you and now you had bared your truest self to him. Calm and gentle in a way he would have never expected when he first met you.

“Fuckin’ finally.” Joel called back out and he watched your chest rise and fall with laughter, so carefree. It was like watching beautiful lace curtains blowing in the breeze through an open window. So gorgeously mundane but stunning.

In Joel’s mind, you were summer.

Bright, hot and true western summer. All strums of guitar strings and whistles in the wind, muddy horses and sweat in the best way.

He imagined barbecues with you and Sarah back in Texas, swimming in lakes and driving through darkened roads with the windows down. He knew Sarah would’ve liked you.

For the first time in a long long time, Joel had found someone who consumed his whole world.

You were someone he couldn’t fathom. You’d been so different, so difficult and damaged he found it hard to imagine you would ever show yourself like this to anyone again. But here you were, freshly kissed and thriving in the mountains of Montana.

“You think we can make it to Lewistown by tonight?” Your soft velvet voice broke him from his trance, his eyes meeting yours as you rode Snow up the path of the mountain.

Joel shrugged his shoulders, looking around and taking in the magical scenery. “Either tonight or tomorrow, sure.” He replied, and his heart grew heavy in his chest.

For a while, he’d forgotten what the real intentions of this trip had been.

You were here to kill the people who’d murdered your father.

You looked so alive out here, riding Snow through plains of nothingness and then across mountains by the rivers. He’d forgotten that all of this could disappear within the next day or so.

He didn’t know what to do. It almost felt wrong to let you break yourself again, now that he’d begun to see the real you. The real, authentic and soft you that he was growing to care for.

All of this could crumble, and soon.

Joel wasn’t sure if he wanted to see it.

Tough Love

A Joel Miller One-shot

Summary: You and Joel had been together for a while now, but your deteriorating mental health hadn’t gotten better. Between doctor’s appointments and nights locked away from the world, Joel had a decision to make.

Includes: Mentions of suicide, mental health problems, anxiety and breakdowns, Joel being kind of a meanie, fluff at the end and Joel eventually being a big caring softie 😚

A/N: Thank you to @yeswhale456 for the prompt for this little mini fic, pleaseee everyone please send any ideas for fics you’d want me to write between chapters of SYTI!! Hope you enjoy 🫶

Blazing summer sun beat through the heart of Jackson as spring rolled away, the town now thrumming with life because the storms and frosted mornings were long gone.

You were out in the garden; the garden you shared with Joel.

Half of the grass lay untouched by the morning sun, shadowed by the tall and beautiful house you’d been living in for around 4 months now. The house you and Joel had worked to turn into a home, together.

It had been a home before, a home filled with gradually building trust and love between Joel and Ellie. Of course she’d since moved into the garage, no longer wanting to be bound to the bedroom to the left of the stairs, wanting to start her life not being her father figure’s young shadow anymore.

But ever since he’d met you just a year after, the house began to feel a little bit more like home.

You’d never experienced a relationship like this before. Never having seen anything resembling love in your life, it had been a hard adjustment to make.

You hadn’t exactly made the best first impression on Joel either, trying to stab the doctors in the hospital after you first arrived in Jackson.

It confused you, the idea that someone could care so much about you that they’d be willing to do anything for you.

There you stood in the garden, the first rays of sun beginning to cast down over the top of the roof on to your sweat stained skin. A large chopping block stood to the corner by the shed, where you stood bringing down an axe repeatedly to meet wood for the hobby Joel loved so much.

The man himself stepped on to the back patio, leaning against the fence with a soft smile on his face as he watched you. Your bruised up arm muscles rippled as you swung the axe down, a concentrated but sharp look in your eyes.

These last few months had been hard on you, trying to adjust to a completely new way of life that even slightly resembled peace. You’d had a hard, traumatised life and Joel vowed to do his best to help you heal, just like he was.

After a moment of simply watching you, contentment but a hint of worry in his soft golden eyes, he began to walk slowly towards you, your back turned to him.

He came up behind you, hands sliding to your waist. You tensed, pausing mid swing as you felt his warm palms graze your hips. A couple of moments later you swung the axe down into the log and left it there, turning to face him.

“Hey, sweetheart.” Joel muttered, voice full of gentleness but slight hesitation. You gave him a weak smile, arm coming up to swipe off the droplets of sweat beading on your forehead.

You put your hand on the side of his arm. “Hey.” You mumbled in return, quiet and reserved as always.

Joel never minded. He was patient, more patient than anyone else would be with someone as damaged as you. He knew you had off days, you were bound to.

Joel tucked a strand of loose hair from your ponytail behind your ear, grazing your earlobes and the top of your neck making you shiver and wince slightly. “You alright out here?” He asked, eyebrows furrowed slightly.

You responded with a nod, not meeting his eyes. For the last week you’d seemed off, more than usual. He knew why of course.

You’d asked Tommy to put you on patrol, and he told you to get the doctor’s permission first. When you’d been denied, you holed yourself up in the bedroom for as long as you could before Joel had to physically drag you out.

He pursed his lips, stroking the side of your head in a soothing manner but his touch only made your stomach turn.

“Honey.” He looked sternly at you but not without deep care. “You missed your doctor’s appointment earlier. That tells me you ain’t okay.”

“I’m fine, Joel.” You snapped, admittedly a little more harshly than intended but you didn’t apologise. Instead, you avoided glancing at that hurt expression on his face and turned back to the log you’d been chopping up before.

“Don’t need a goddamn doctor’s appointment.” You sighed, shaking your head and picking up the axe again, gloves covered in dirt and tiny specks of wood chips. “I just need to be left the fuck alone.”

You shuffled away from his touch, turning your back to him as his hands fell from the sides of your face.

Joel stood there behind you, watching every swing of your arms as you went back to chopping the wood again. He was at an impasse.

Tommy had asked him the previous night to go on patrol. Not any regular patrol, but rather a couple of days of scouting out the further east side of Jackson County.

About two days before, they’d spotted a couple of people sniffing around the woods, spying on Jackson from afar before moving East and potentially camping out there.

They needed people to go and check it out. Ever since the winter, Jackson had been short on people for patrol after a run in with a horde a couple miles west of town. Everyone knew that Joel was one of the best. One of the most skilled and arguably the best damn fighter Jackson had ever seen.

He would have to leave, but he wasn’t so sure everything would be fine with you staying all alone.

Joel turned, leaving you to chop away at the wood and immediately heading down to Town Hall.

He needed to figure something out before you fell apart.

—————

“She’s a danger to herself, Tommy.”

Joel’s voice was loud in the office above the Town Hall, venting out loud to his brother who sat in Maria’s usual office chair behind the desk.

He paced back and forth, rubbing at his chin as stressed bored at the edges of his mind.

Tommy stared up at him, trying to think of a way to help his big brother without lighting a fuse. You weren’t the only one in town with a short temper.

“She’s ain’t a child, Joel.” Tommy sighed out, glancing over at the window as people laughed and chattered outside on the streets below. “She can handle bein’ without ya for a couple days.”

“I know she ain’t a child, Tommy.” Joel snapped out of frustration, still pacing anxiously as his heart pounded between his ribs. “She ain’t a child, but I’m scared to leave her alone in the house for too long. I’m scared she’s gonna try and…”

He trailed off, cutting his own sentence before the pain in his heart got any worse. He took a deep breath, pausing his pacing and turning to look down at his brother.

“I’m scared I’m gonna come back from patrol and find her dead on the fuckin’ floor.” Joel whispered, scared to speak the words out loud incase they manifested into real life. “Wouldn’t be the first time she’s tried it, Tommy. I don’t wanna deal with that shit again. Never.”

A few beats of silence passed before Tommy let out a deep exhale, scratching the corner of his chin with a frown. “I can speak to Doctor Collins, see if she can get daily check-ins or whatever but-“

“-We both know damn well she won’t like having a doctor checkin’ on her every day. Hell, she don’t even like going to appointments at all.” Joel sighed, moving to take a seat opposite Tommy at the desk.

His brother thought long and hard for a solution to help Joel. What could he even do? Everyone in town knew how much of a loose cannon you were, given all of your outbursts from the early days of you coming to Jackson.

“I don’t know what to suggest here, Joel.” Tommy eventually breathed out, leaning back in his chair. “I mean, the girl’s not right. She’s not well, everyone knows it. You know it. What option is there?”

Joel pondered for a while, contemplating different ideas and options in his head and none sounded right, not one of them.

You were his girl, his everything. He thought he’d never be able to love someone ever again until he met you. The idea of losing you to whatever you were struggling with was one he couldn’t even bear to think about.

A few minutes went by, before Joel had finally made up his mind. He knew what he had to do, regardless of how bad this could turn out.

“If she won’t help herself, someone else’ll have to do it for her.”

—————

Evening had rolled in after you’d spent all day out in that garden, either chopping wood or sitting in the grass under the sun. You stood in the kitchen, brewing a cup of herbal tea Joel had traded for as a present for your birthday a few months ago.

Your heart sat heavy in your chest. Bags had formed under your eyes after countless nights of lying awake beside Joel, staring up at the ceiling.

You didn’t want to feel so damaged. So traumatised and so unlovable that you couldn’t even fathom Joel’s love for you. You couldn’t understand how someone like him could be with someone like you, even now.

You stood by the boiling water, lost in a complete daze waiting for it to finish without hearing the front door open and close.

Joel moved slow, mentally preparing himself for whatever war he was about to start. No matter how this would go, it wouldn’t be good.

“We need to talk.” Joel sighed as he moved into the kitchen. You didn’t even hear him. You just stayed stood there staring at the wall as if you were asleep with your eyes open.

Joel stared at your back, feeling frustration and worry bubbling in his chest as he moved behind you and stood there, fists repeatedly clenching and unclenching by his sides.

“You’re not well.” He spoke, voice the only sound in the kitchen save for the bubbling of heating water on the stove. You didn’t move, but this time you heard him.

You moved to take the water off of the heat, movements delayed and tired as if it was difficult to even move your arms. Joel shook his head, chewing the inside of his cheek trying to keep his cool.

“Can you even hear me?” He asked, raising his voice up a notch in volume as he stood behind you.

“I can fucking hear you Joel.” You snapped loudly, matching his volume as your hands trembled, pouring the boiled water into a cup where the tea was ready to be strained.

“Yeah? Well then you must’ve heard me say you’re not well.” He bit back, trying so damn hard to keep his temper in check.

“I let you lock yourself up in this goddamn house for weeks. I looked after you, took care of you when you had episodes every other fuckin’ night. You need help.”

“I never asked you to do any of that, Joel!” You raised your own voice, turning to face him now with a storm forming behind your eyes. It was like he wasn’t even looking at you.

Whenever you got like this, it was hard to see the person he knew at all.

“I never asked you to look after me Joel! I don’t want your help!” You yelled, slamming the spoon you’d used to stir your tea down on the counter with aggression he’d seen you use too many times to count on one hand.

“I won’t stand by and watch you hurt yourself like this!” Joel shouted, not nearly as loud as you had but enough to get his point across.

Your eyes darkened, rage forming on your worn down features as the two of you faced off in the middle of the kitchen. “No one’s asking you to!” You yelled at him, moving to leave the kitchen.

Before you could leave, Joel’s hand gripped your arm and he spun you around to face him.

It was forceful, but not enough to hurt you. Just enough to make sure you couldn’t run away.

He stared down at you, panting and clearly hating whatever he was about to do.

“No.” He growled out, shaking his head. “I don’t care, I don’t care what you wanna say. You’re going to the goddamn clinic and you’re gonna stay there until I’m back from patrol.”

Your eyes widened, pure rage filling up every part of your body.

“What?” You breathed out, a slither of panic rolling through your bones.

Joel couldn’t meet your eyes, and you felt your stomach sink as he began to tug you towards the front door with enough force you couldn’t pull away.

Joel knew that no matter how angry you were at him, you wouldn’t hurt him to escape.

“You’re going to the fucking clinic, and you’re gonna stay there until I’m back!” He shouted with anger and worry as he pulled you towards the door and swung it open, tugging you forcefully out on to the porch.

“I won’t let you hurt yourself. I will not come home to you dead. You need help, and you’ll get it whether you want it or not!”

“Joel!” You yelled out loudly, the two of you now in the street as the sun was beginning to fall beneath the horizon.

“Joel, let me go!” You shouted, pulling and resisting but his grip on you wouldn’t let up. “I don’t need help! You’re fucking crazy!”

“No!” Joel’s voice boomed out into the street and he didn’t look back as he dragged you down the street through the growing darkness, towards the medical clinic that sat at the edge of town.

“If either of us is crazy, it’s you! You need help!”

His words felt like a stab to the gut.

You stopped resisting him, completely stunned by his words. He continued to pull you towards the clinic and your heart felt like it weighted tons between your ribs.

“Joel, no, please don’t!” You cried out, panicked tears now welling in your eyes as the clinic got closed in the distance.

Through the blur in your eyes, you saw two figures stood beside the clinic doors move towards you.

“What the fuck, Joel!” You screamed out through your tears that now morphed into full blown sobbing.

Memories flooded through you. Memories of being abandoned, being left for dead outside of Jackson’s walls. It happened so many times you should’ve expected this would happen sooner or later.

A full, heavy wave of panic rushed through you as the two men took you from Joel’s grip, restraining your arms as you fought back against them.

“Joel, don’t leave me, please!” You sobbed out, and as the men began to move you towards the clinic doors, Joel stopped them.

He had a look of complete anguish on his face. Joel looked like he was on the verge of tears himself. He moved over to you and took your weeping face in his hands.

“I’m not leaving you.” He told you firmly, but you couldn’t believe him. Not when he’d dragged you to the clinic to leave you there against your will.

He held your face firmer as you tried to look at him through your sobs.

“I’m not leaving you, baby. You need help.” He muttered, guilt swimming behind his eyes that were welling up. “You need help, I’m sorry. I’ll be back in a few days. Just…just let the doctors help you. Please.”

You coughed and spluttered through your sobs, the arms dragging you backwards into the clinic as you watched Joel standing there, staring as you were being pulled away.

“Joel, please!” You cried out, trying to resist against the men’s hold on you before you could disappear behind the clinic doors.

Joel didn’t move, just turned away and put his face in his hands.

Moments later, you were gone and inside the clinic.

It was done. It was done, and now all Joel could do was hope for the best and go on the patrol, no matter how much it tore him up inside to leave you there.

—————

The patrol was successful.

Days had passed smoothly despite the sleepless nights Joel spent laying awake regretting his decision to leave you at the clinic.

The group of people they’d been sent to look for had been slaughtered by what must have been clickers. Joel and his patrol team had found the bodies at their campsite. They’d even managed to take out the group of infected that had probably killed them.

No matter how much of a success the patrol had been, he needed to get home. He needed to get home and be with you.

Joel hadn’t slept, mulling over everything he’d said and everything he’d done wrong that night. He’d called you crazy. He’d taken you to the clinic against your will.

After all of that, he was still put at ease knowing that he wouldn’t come home to find that you’d gotten worse, or even killed yourself.

The trek back to Jackson was fairly easy. No run ins with infected or any people. The grand doors of home creaked open as guards turned the mechanisms, letting everyone back inside to safety.

Guard dogs sniffed at everyone, checking for bites or signs of infection and found nothing. Everyone was clean.

Tommy was there with folded arms, standing worriedly by the gates waiting for the moment his brother would come back.

Joel dismounted his horse and barely even got a chance to catch his breath before Tommy was by his side.

“You’ve gotta come with me, now.” He breathed out, and Joel’s eyes shot open with alarm.

He knew immediately that it was you. He knew. He always did.

Tommy and Joel sprinted towards the clinic where you’d been staying for the last few days. Panic and fear washed over him the closer they got. Of course something would go wrong, he should’ve known. He should’ve known you would try something.

He should’ve been there for you. No matter how needed it was to force help upon you, it was wrong of him to make you think he’d abandoned you like everyone else had.

The clinic doors swung open and Joel yelped in surprise when a blurred object flew past his vision, nearly taking him out.

It was chaos. Absolute chaos.

There you were, stood down the end of the clinic hallway looking just as feral as the day you’d arrived in Jackson.

Random hospital equipment was being flung by your hand at the group of doctors trying to get you to calm down, to no avail.

You were in a hospital gown, hair brushed but messy and disheveled as the rest of you was. Your eyes were bloodshot from what must have been days of crying and no sleep.

You looked just as broken as the day he’d met you.

“Get the fuck away from me!” You screamed at the doctors, keeping them at bay by hurling objects in their direction with a scalpel in one of your hands. “You fucking psychos sticking needles in me! Where the fuck am I!?”

Joel’s eyes widened. Of all the scenarios he’d pictured in his head of what he’d be coming home to, this was not one of them.

“Shit, she’s having an episode.” Joel muttered in a panic as doctors tried to get closer to you, but you threatened them with the scalpel in your hand again.

You hadn’t even noticed Joel and Tommy by the doors, too lost in your own mind as memories and trauma throbbed through your skull.

The doctors glanced over at Joel, silently begging for help as you threw more objects down the hall in their direction.

“What do we do, Joel?” Tommy called out to him as he slowly moved to where the doctors were huddled together.

“Just hold on!” Joel called out back to him, pushing his way through the crowd of doctors.

Soon enough he was at the front of the group, now standing in front of them as you threw more stuff their way.

Joel shouted your name, hopefully loud enough to bring some sense back into you. He stood with his arm outstretched, hand up to try and get you to stop.

“Sweetheart, it’s Joel!” He called out, distressed by the sight of you in so much fear and panic. You stood there pointing the scalpel at him and the doctors, a distant look in your eyes that said you weren’t even there at all.

This happened during episodes. You got lost in your own mind, the pain too much to bear. So painful you forgot where you were. Forgot you were safe.

“Stay the fuck back!” You screamed once again, heaving for breath. Joel’s eyes softened and his eyebrows furrowed, hoping to god he could calm you down after leaving you here all alone.

Joel took a slow, very cautious step forward. “Honey, it’s me. It’s Joel.” He spoke softly but loud enough for you to hear, but you were pacing back and fourth glaring at everyone in the vicinity.

“He left me! He left and I’m alone again! I can’t do this!” You yelled, hands sliding into your hair and pulling at it like you wanted to rip it from your scalp. “Where the fuck am I!? Let me go!”

“No one’s left you, sweetheart.” Joel breathed out calmly, heart aching heavily in his chest.

You thought he’d left you. Thought he’d abandoned you, just as he feared you would. “No one’s left you, I’m here.” He took another step forward.

You pointed the scalpel at him, eyes wide and panicked as he got closer. “D-don’t move! Don’t you fucking dare move!” You cried out, the hand holding the weapon trembling as your eyes darted around the room.

Joel kept his hand raised, expression calm, not reflecting the turmoil that had built inside of him. “Baby, baby it’s Joel. It’s me.” He took another very small step closer.

You stood there panting, eyes wide with both of your hands trying to grip the scalpel steadily. You were trembling, eyes glazed with unshed tears.

You didn’t say anything now, falling silent as your heartbeat pounded in your eardrums.

Joel managed to get close enough now, scalpel level with his chest so close it could probably touch his front. He stayed there, standing as you stared up at him.

Neither of you moved for a minute.

He wanted to give you a moment. A moment for recognition to hit you. For the panic to subside once you realised he was really there, standing in front of you.

A few seconds later, Joel’s hand came to rest over yours, touch gentle like he was scared you’d break. Your grip on the scalpel wavered as his touch covered yours.

Your eyes glistened under the clinic lights, the fluorescent hum burning your irises and skin.

It was deathly silent in the clinic hallway.

Your eyes lowered to his hand as it cupped over yours. His fingers pushed between yours, gently prying them open and slowly sliding the scalpel out from your grasp.

You didn’t move to stop him, so he removed it from you and placed it on the counter beside him.

A few moments of nothing went by, before a choked sob wracked through your whole body.

“Joel.” It came out weak, broken and soft as the episode began to fade away under the hospital lights.

A relieved, grateful exhale released from his lips just hearing your voice and his arms immediately closed around your trembling body.

The moment they did, you broke.

It was like a dam released and everything came rushing over you. Your arms came up to grip him like you were drowning and he was pulling you out of the water.

Cries echoed through the hall and Joel’s lips pressed to your temple, breath warm and comforting against your face.

“I’m here, baby.” Joel whispered, eyes welling up against his will as he held you tighter than he’d ever held you. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”

The two of you stayed like that for a while, you crying into him inconsolably as he let you, just holding you with such tenderness you couldn’t even fathom it.

“You’re here, you’re here…” You sobbed out, sniffling and choking on your own breaths as you buried your face into his chest, feeling his grounding arms enveloping you warmly.

Both of you had forgotten the doctors and Tommy standing just down the hall watching the entire thing. Joel’s brother ushered the doctors away quietly, telling them you guys would need a minute. They all dispersed, leaving you to cry into Joel like you couldn’t breathe without him.

“I’m here sweetheart. I’m not goin’ anywhere.” Joel whispered against the side of your cheek where he pressed gentle kisses, one hand stroking your hair and the other resting soothingly on the middle of your back.

“I thought- I thought you were gone…” You sobbed, knuckles white from your intense grip on the front of his shirt.

“Shhh, shhh…” He gently soothed you and lowered you to the floor so he could hold you better.

He grunted as his back twinged, sitting on the floor and letting your body curl up on his lap as he held you. “I shouldn’t’ve left you, baby. I’m so sorry.” He breathed out, forehead resting on your temple as you clung to him.

“N-no, you were…” You sniffled, wiping your bloodshot eyes as tears streaked down your pale cheeks. “You were right. I’m sick. I’m sick and I didn’t want to get better.” You choked in a breath.

Joel pulled you away slightly, cupping your flushed face in his calloused, comforting hands. You could feel the warmth of his breath against your mouth.

You continued, sniffling. “I didn’t want to get better, because I don’t know who I am without this…this pain.”

Joel’s thumbs stroked and caressed your cheeks, letting you speak as his heart weighed heavy with your every word. “I’ve never felt normal. Never felt deserving of anything, especially you.” You hiccuped, moving your hands to hold the sides of his neck. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry Joel.”

“Hey, it’s okay baby.” He muttered sweetly in your ear, calmly shushing you and hopefully getting you to relax.

“I know. I just…I couldn’t watch you get worse and not be able to do anythin’ to stop it.” He explained in a breath, brushing your hair away from your face.

“You’re everythin’ to me, sweetheart. Everythin’. I need you to try. I need you to fight, baby. Hell, I’d go through this every damn day if it meant you wouldn’t hurt so much.”

You stared into his eyes, trying to take deep breaths as your heat rate gradually began to slow down. The warmth of his gaze, his hands and his face grounded you more than you could ever say with words.

“I- I want to…” You trailed off, trying to find the right words. You leaned forward, pressing your forehead against his and closing your eyes. “I want to get better. I want to because I need you Joel. You’re all I want.”

Joel smiled and fought from crying. He wasn’t the type to cry, he wasn’t even sure you’d ever seen him cry before. He was going to be strong because you needed it. You needed strong. You needed strong to help you be the same.

“You have me.” He whispered and pressed his lips to yours.

His lips were chapped and breath smoke-stained but fuck you needed it to breathe. You kissed him back with desperation, like he was oxygen. Your mouth pressed to his and the weight felt ten times lighter, because you knew Joel was here.

He was here, and here for you.

You pulled away and Joel brought his thumbs up to wipe away your tears, and a soft exhausted laugh escaped you.

“I’ll do treatment.” You whispered, shaking your head. “I’ll do anything for you, but…” You took a deep breath. “But I need you here. I need…”

“I know.” He sighed, stroking your hair with a tired smile on his lips. “I know, baby. I’m here, and I’ll be here the whole damn time, okay? You have me.”

You kissed Joel again and acceptance seemed to wash over you, but for once it felt good.

It felt real and it felt hopeful, because Joel was the only person you’d ever need, and he was right there with you.

Sink Your Teeth In

A Joel Miller Fan Fiction

Chapter 15 - Music and Grocery Stores

Summary: You were brought to Jackson a shell, a husk of yourself. No one knew anything about you, not even your name. Struggling with Jackson life, and your troubling past, you meet Joel Miller. A man with just as much blood on his hands. You won’t let him save you, and you sure as hell won’t save him.

OR

You and Joel Miller learn you’re more alike than you’d ever admit. Maybe you’ll both learn how to feel alive again.

Warnings: Graphic descriptions of typical tlou gore and violence, suicidal thoughts and self harm (remember there are people to talk to 🫶), mentions of cannibalism, religious trauma, grief, brief possible eating disorder, fluff and eventual smut, swearing. let me know if i missed any.

A/N: I’m so sorry for not posting in a while!! There’s been so much drama in my life with friends and college it’s been really stressful. The burn out is lowkey real so I’m trying to get back into the swing of it! Hope you enjoy this chapter, take care of yourselves 🫶

Chapter 16

—————

It was like the heavens had opened.

Rain showered down across the last stretch of land separating you and Joel from Montana.

With summer getting closer, the water was warm and there was a lack of chill in the air, but it didn’t make the riding horseback in the rain any less miserable.

In the early hours of the morning, the route ahead was found to be completely blocked off by rubble and burned cars.

This was the first real obstacle either of you had come across so far on the trip, so it wasn’t necessarily surprising. Of course it wasn’t convenient because that meant you’d have to explore uncharted territory to get around.

There was a town not too far away, one that could be cut through to get around where the road was blocked. You and Joel both knew the chances of coming across infected, and possibly people, were higher this way but there were no other options.

So, the two of you were riding side by side around the outskirts of what seemed to be a completely abandoned town, rain hammering down as you both kept your coat hoods up. It didn’t do much good; you both looked like drowned rats by now.

Joel’s hand stayed hovering over his gun holster at all times. You’d picked up on the small habit recently.

He seemed to do that when he was anxious, or when he was getting ready to defend himself even if there was nothing around. You’d always catch his fingers twitching over that spot by his hip.

It made you do the same, your own hand resting close to your weapon. The whole place seemed lifeless, rows of buildings around a town centre with homes lining the streets.

A bookstore overgrown with vines, a music shop blocked by vegetation, and a supermarket along with everything you’d expect from a small little town.

Joel slowed down on his horse slightly to move close to you, leaning over to mutter over the downpour.

He squinted through the rain at you as droplets fell from his eyelashes, the lines on his face prominent. “Think we should take shelter ‘til the rain stops.” He told you, only loud enough to barely hear him.

You nodded, but your eyes cautiously flitted across the buildings. “I’ll check the left side. You take the right.” You muttered to him, swiping the rain dripping on your lips as you both began to hitch your horses behind the rows of buildings, just hidden enough to be somewhat safe.

Joel walked off to the right row of buildings, you lingering to the left.

Your gun was held with white knuckles by your side, eyes squinting through the heavy shower as you moved behind the different stores and homes, peeking through the windows checking for signs of life. You didn’t seem to find any at first.

Each building was empty, and you didn’t spend too long in each one. Especially the homes. You didn’t want to see shattered family photos on the mouldy carpet floors, broken china plates and raided bedrooms.

The music store was where you stayed the longest.

Upon finding no infected after scanning every room, you began to wander around. Your hood was down, drops of rain seeping through your hair down your face as your fingers traced across rows of old records.

They had instruments there. A drum kit sat in the dark corner by the stairs, put together but with pieces missing. You let your finger run along the thick layer of dust settled on top.

Next you went over to the piano. The body was glazed chestnut brown, beautiful and soft in its sound despite the tune being completely off when your fingertip pressed down on one key.

You remembered your father telling you about your mother. She had played piano a lot when they were still together, usually Billy Joel or Elton John classics apparently. She’d been good at it too, so your dad said.

Her favourite to play was ‘She’s Always a Woman’, a Billy Joel classic according to your father, and you remembered the look of pure love in his eyes as he reminisced sitting there with her, singing along when everything was good and happy.

You wished you could’ve seen it.

You moved on before your chest could grow any tighter, feet padding across the creaky floors. A guitar case sat lonesome in the corner.

You crouched down in front of it with a gentle, curious sigh as you cracked it open, the dust floating in the air as you revealed the relatively pristine acoustic guitar that sat dormant in the case.

Joel had one just like this by his workbench back in Jackson. His was more polished but you assumed he could play if he owned one. Maybe you could convince him to give you a show later in the night.

So, you picked it up in its case and slung it over your shoulder, heading out of the building and into the onslaught of rain once again.

You moved past the different stores on the right side, glancing through the windows to try and find Joel with a rather excited expression on your face. There were mostly homes on this side, but eventually you came up to the grocery store.

You saw Joel’s muddy footprints leading to the main doors so you walked up, heading inside barely even looking up as you removed your hood.

It was dark from the gloomy weather and water trickled through the open cracks in the ceiling on to the chipped tiles.

“You’ll never guess what I found, Joel.” You grinned, shaking your head as you placed the guitar case down on the floor.

After a moment you finally glanced up, and froze immediately on the spot.

Joel was right there in front of you, with the barrel of a gun pressed to his temple.

Your eyes flickered across every person in front of you. The man pointing the gun at Joel was rugged, and clearly in rough shape. He was probably a little older than you, all muscles but missing some teeth and covered in grime.

Two other less intimidating men stood to the side, now staring at you mid-rifling through Joel’s backpack.

You swallowed, subtly slipping your gun back in its holster before holding your hands above your head.

The market was dead silent save for the incessant patter of rain trickling down on to the floor in the back behind fallen shelves.

Joel was staring at you with gritted teeth, jaw clenched in warning. You kept eye contact with him before the guy aiming at him turned to you.

“Just our luck.” The grimy man grinned and you felt nauseous at the way he stood taller upon seeing you. “Old man’s travellin’ with a woman…and a pretty one at that.” He smiled and the other men snickered.

“Joey, hold him.” He demanded to one of the other guys who immediately got up, pressing his own pistol to Joel’s temple.

Joel immediately tensed once again, but didn’t fight either of them. That wouldn’t be smart, considering you’d both be gunned down in seconds.

The main guy sauntered over to you and you physically recoiled at the stench of him, sweat and blood mixed with the scent of starvation. You glared at him, not making any sudden movements.

“We don’t want any trouble.” You muttered to him, jaw clenched with the straightest posture you could muster. You wouldn’t let this guy intimidate you. “Just passing through town. We can be out of your hair in minutes. Just let us go.”

The man sighed with feigned disappointment, his dirty hand coming up to grab your jaw. You noticed Joel go to move forward but you quickly shot him a look. He’d be shot in a second.

You turned your attention back to the guy holding your face roughly, wincing at the contact and feeling him squeeze your cheeks as his eyes travelled across your features lazily.

“No can do, ma’am. Got better things in mind for ya than that.” He grinned, baring his teeth which made you grimace.

Your bag was being tugged off your back, and you watched as the remaining guy began to search through its contents. The muscles ticked in your jaw, mind whirring trying to figure out the next move.

You shrugged your face out of the man’s hold with disgust after about a minute of being patient. Not a moment later you were met with a brutal pain throbbing through your face. You found yourself on the cold hard ground.

The man shook off his fist where his knuckles would now bruise. The force of the punch had completely thrown you off. Back in patrol training, it was now clear everyone had been pulling their punches on you. Fuck.

You stumbled back up to your feet, hand holding your cheekbone where the man’s knuckles had left you with a black eye. He was grinning at you, watching without moving.

“You’re a brave girl. I like that.” He smiled and the bile rose in your throat.

You had to think of something fast. Any way out of this. How the fuck would you get out of this?

“Let him go.” You muttered through clenched teeth, your heartbeat throbbing through your cheek as your palm pressed down on it. “Let him go and you can have your fun.” You negotiated, voice uncharacteristically relaxed.

Joel’s eyebrows furrowed and he immediately went to protest, so you glared at him with all your might once again like you could telepathically tell him to shut the fuck up.

“Please.” You added for effect as the main guy came up to you and stroked your hair, tucking it behind your ear in a way that made you want to violently puke.

He clicked his tongue, thinking about it with a visibly pleased grin.

He went to speak, lips parting with a response lingering on his tongue before you saw Joel grab the gunman’s arm to point the weapon away from himself.

Shots rang out through the air and you immediately ducked, launching yourself away from the main guy and running through the store. The aisles that were still intact were good for hiding behind, so you ducked against one of them and aimed your gun through the gaps of the shelves.

Joel struggled with the man trying to shoot him, and you watched the others whip out their guns. On instinct you aimed for the shorter one behind him, and he went down with a loud yelp and a bullet to the shoulder.

Your breaths were heavy and slightly visible in the chill of the room. You aimed at the main guy who then hid behind the counter while Joel attempted to wrestle the man’s gun from him.

He managed successfully, muttering a curse as he turned and shot him straight between the eyes. The guy went down with a splatter to the glass window behind him making you grimace, and you moved as low as possible to try and get a good aim at the main one who was still hiding.

Joel went and hid behind the aisle at the opposite end of the store, and you made eye contact through the gaps. He had the most intense look on his face you’d ever seen, and you just huffed out a stressed breath before aiming back at the man’s hiding spot.

He peeked out and shot in your direction, the bullet skimming the shelf making you gasp in surprise. You ducked even lower, hearing Joel firing away in return.

You were about to aim for him again when the man you’d shot suddenly rose, gripping his shoulder with a gun aimed right at you.

Joel yelled out to you and started to shoot at him, but not before he managed to pull the trigger aimed right at you.

A white hot searing sensation burned through your hip. You rolled away, gasping for breath at the pain as Joel quickly shot the man down.

You crawled towards the back of the store, blood leaking out of your hip like a crimson oil spill leaving a smudged trail across dirty white tile. Once at the back, you peeked through the gaps again like before and aimed at the last man’s hiding spot.

He peeked out as well, aimed in Joel’s direction. Shots were fired and were missed. You clutched at your side with your free hand, other one holding your gun.

The pain was making you dizzy, ears ringing slightly but you shook your head, panting through gritted teeth in plain refusal to succumb to any pain.

You pulled the trigger one last time and he went down, finally. A deep sigh of relief wracked through you instantly as he slumped over, and you sat down clutching your bleeding hip tightly.

Joel was by your side in seconds, crouching down beside you with his dirtied hand on your shoulder, other one above your injured hip. “Shit, you okay?” He breathed out with a slightly crazed look in his eye that said he’d have shot a hundred more men if it came down to it.

You panted heavily, hand pressed hard on the wound at your side as blood continued to pour out of it. “Think I’m bleeding out, Joel. You think I’m okay?” You hissed out, clenching your eyes shut as another wave of dizziness washed over you.

“Fuck, stupid question.” He grumbled to himself with a slight smirk, slipping his large arm under your own to pull you to your feet.

His weight kept you upright, leaning against him. “Which buildin’?” Joel asked, nodding his head in the direction of where you’d been exploring before all of this.

You leaned into him and he held you up with no problem, steady hands grounding you in a way you’d never really felt before.

“Music store.”

—————

Joel had brought all of your collective belongings back after getting you safe in the music store, gathering your bags once again with everything and bringing them back with him.

You were propped up against a display full of rows upon rows of old records, rag stuffed between your teeth as Joel poured disinfectant on your bleeding hip.

Whimpers and groans of pain were muffled by the rag but the silence of the place made it feel a little useless, your sounds of pain ricocheting off the walls regardless.

“I know, ‘m sorry.” Joel whispered, grimacing as he went digging for the bullet lodged inside of your skin.

Sweat dripped down your temples, skin pale and clammy as you pointlessly grasped and clawed at the floor. “Got it.” He muttered, sounding relieved in himself as he pulled the bullet out as quickly as possible, tossing it aside as he began patching you up.

Now you took the rag out of your mouth, heaving for breath. “Son of a goddamn bitch, that hurt.” You gasped out, clutching at your chest as Joel began to stitch the wound closed.

“Took quite the hit.” He sighed, working with ease. The pain still throbbed through you but the stitching wasn’t as bad as trying to get the bullet out.

Your eyes weakly trailed over him, seeing those worry lines gracing his face and the look of pure concentration in his eyes. “Could’ve been worse.” You added, leaning your head back against the wood of the display.

Joel met your eyes for a moment, looking deep into them before glancing away with an unreadable expression.

You stared at him, wincing as he pressed gauze over the stitched wound, and then began to wrap a bandage around your torso to keep it there.

You let him, lifting your arms weakly so he could get around your full mid section. He shuffled closer, so close you could feel his soft breaths grazing your ear as he pulled the bandage around your back.

He looped it around a few times, and you chewed on your bottom lip at the proximity. You smelt coffee and dirt on him, as well as sweat but not in a gross way. Just a natural smell that was him.

“Thank you.” You whispered, turning your head slightly to bring your face closer to his but he pulled away, head turned down as he packed away his first aid kit.

“No need for that.” He mumbled quietly and humbly, before moving away to sort out our bags, gathering our belongings ready to leave after the rain stopped.

Your eyes lingered on him, fingers grazing softly over the bandage he’d wrapped around your body.

“Hey.” You muttered after a few minutes of just sitting there as Joel did his own thing. He glanced over his shoulder at you, before turning back to folding up a dusty blanket he’d found in the corner.

“Yeah?” He replied gruffly, and you knew something was eating at him but you said nothing about it. Pissing him off wouldn’t help anything. In fact, it’d probably only piss you off too.

You chewed the inside of your cheek, wearing it down with your teeth as you fought a playful smile. “You bring the guitar?” You asked, referring to the one you brought to him at the store.

Joel looked at you once again, huffing through his nose tiredly before nodding to the corner where the case sat peacefully against the wall.

“Play me a song?” You tilted your head as the request left your lips gently, eyes glistening under the cold light pouring in through the windows dampened by the downpour.

A small smirk tugged at Joel’s lips. “Hell no.” He muttered, shaking his head in defiance.

“Come on, Joel!” You whined, pouting at him childishly which made him laugh…like actually belly laugh. It only made you laugh too. “I got shot, old man! It’s the least you can do. Hell, I might even sing along for you if it’ll help your stage fright.”

The man chuckled away and defeatedly got up, moving over to the guitar case and you clapped with excitement.

Pain throbbed in your side but it didn’t matter because Joel was going to play you a song. Nothing ever seemed to matter when you were with him.

He brought the dust covered guitar now freshly out of its case over to the display just opposite yours, now sat on the floor propped against it right in front of you.

“Any requests, princess?” Joel chuckled sarcastically, and you giggled, holding your side as your eyes fluttered tiredly.

You bit your bottom lip, eyes getting slightly heavier as you stared at him with a lazy, contented smile.

“Know any Billy Joel?” You asked, smile growing bigger as you heard echoes of your dad playing your mum’s old favourite song on guitar for you as a kid. “‘She’s Always a Woman’?” You suggested.

The way Joel was looking at you made your stomach flutter with butterflies. His eyes were warm and wide as he took you in, seeing that tired expression resting on your face and the glint of happy memories shining behind your eyes.

He cleared his throat, plucking a few guitar strings to get it in tune before he strummed it a few testing times. Eventually, he began to form a familiar tune and your eyes closed, heart feeling full with nostalgia for the first time in a very, painfully long time.

Tears welled in your eyes as Joel began to sing along, gaze focused on you as you clenched your eyes shut, a soft smile on your pink lips.

A single tear rolled down your cheek as Joel sang the song your father sang to you as a child. The song your mother had loved, the song she used to play.

You couldn’t even remember her, you’d been so young the last time you’d seen her, but this song made you feel closer to her than you’d ever been.

Without even noticing, you’d began to sing along too. Quietly, softly in a way that made Joel’s heart beat speed up in his chest.

He looked at you like you were handing him the sun in your hands, when all you were doing was singing under your breath as he strummed away.

Your singing faded away with a breath as you kept your eyes closed, resting against the wooden display as Joel played and sang quietly, lulling you to sleep as the rain hammered down outside.

This was the most peace you’d felt in years, even if you’d been shot not even an hour before.

You had Joel to thank for that, and you didn’t even hear the end of the song before you drifted off to sleep.

Sink Your Teeth In

A Joel Miller Fan Fiction

Chapter 14 - Day Two

Summary: You were brought to Jackson a shell, a husk of yourself. No one knew anything about you, not even your name. Struggling with Jackson life, and your troubling past, you meet Joel Miller. A man with just as much blood on his hands. You won’t let him save you, and you sure as hell won’t save him.

OR

You and Joel Miller learn you’re more alike than you’d ever admit. Maybe you’ll both learn how to feel alive again.

Warnings: Graphic descriptions of typical tlou gore and violence, suicidal thoughts and self harm (remember there are people to talk to 🫶), mentions of cannibalism, religious trauma, grief, brief possible eating disorder, fluff and eventual smut, swearing. let me know if i missed any.

A/N: Guys I’ve been listening to Waco, Texas by Ethel Cain on repeat for like a week now and I fear it’s going to impact my writing 😅 be prepared y’all. As always please leave comments and let me know what you think! Take care of yourselves 🫶

Chapter 15

—————

“So what did you do? Before the outbreak, I mean.”

Empty, scattered cars half turned to ashes littered across the road stretching into nowhere, hooves padding over the warm grass to the side of the route.

Joel was there, with you, both of you alone, and you weren’t sure what to do about it.

There wasn’t really much to do except for cope with it. At least you weren’t alone with your thoughts anymore. So instead of acting like the cold bitch you usually were when you were mad, you decided to make small talk.

Joel glanced over at you, stripped of his typical brown jacket in just a plain black shirt that was faded with age. It hugged his muscles perfectly, but that you kept to yourself.

“Was a contractor.” The man riding beside you on his horse spoke, squinting up at the harsh sun rays beaming down across the plains. “Know what that is?” He asked, quirking an eyebrow.

You shot him a look and rolled your eyes. “I was five when the outbreak happened, so no. I have no idea.” You huffed, admittedly a bit more snappy than you had intended but you didn’t correct yourself or apologise.

To your surprise, Joel chuckled warmly. “We did projects for people. Usually renovations, or leadin’ a team for building houses. Stuff like that.” He explained quietly, loosely holding the reins in his fists as he watched you from the corner of his eye.

You nodded along, a little interested. “Huh. You enjoy it? Being a contractor?” You asked, eyes scrunched from facing the heat as the sun bared its beams down on the grass and your face.

The road was deathly silent save for cicadas humming in the grass and the crackles of dirt kicking under the horses’ feet.

You wiped the sweat from your forehead with the back of your arm, both of your shirts’ sticking to your bodies.

Joel thought about it for a moment, before giving a decisive nod. “Yeah. Good pay, gave me routine, y’know? ‘Course I wish I’d’ve had more free time.” He muttered, eyes falling to the reigns of his horse in thought.

You stared at him for a moment, and began to figure he was drifting into a slightly more melancholy headspace. So, you shifted the subject.

“I always wanted to be a singer.” You breathed out, looking back out at the long stretching road ahead.

Joel let out a shocked huff. You smirked, glancing back briefly at him with a knowing look. “I know. Don’t look like the type right?”

He smiled, shaking his head and looking out at the rolling hills. You continued with a breath. “Yeah. Always loved singing as a kid. My dad couldn’t get me to stop.” For a moment you laughed, before biting your lip and letting the moment pass. You stewed in the memory for a while.

Joel let you sit with it for a few minutes, the silence heavy but not uncomfortable. There was an air of understanding there and you appreciated it even if you wouldn’t say anything.

“Gonna have to give me a show now.” He smirked, and you shot him a look that said ‘absolutely not’. “Can’t leave a man hangin’. Not after you’ve said it.”

“In your dreams, Miller.” You chuckled, shaking your head in disbelief.

Joel laughed, and it made your cheeks go a little pink. “Haven’t sang in a long time.” You emphasised, letting out a whistle. “Not even sure my vocal cords work properly anymore.”

“Guess we’ll have to see then.” He replied cheekily with that southern drawl that sent your knees a little weak.

“Sure. I’ll give you a nice little performance round the campfire tonight, shall I?” You snorted sarcastically, a soft smile on your lips that was so uncommon it almost shocked him.

“Wouldn’t say no to that.” He sighed, bringing his horse a little more to the side of yours, the two of you riding closer together now. You swallowed, chewing the inside of your cheek.

You squinted at him through one eye from the sun, raising an eyebrow. “You’d have to pay me. I’m not doing that shit for free, Miller.” You joked.

Joel smiled, cocking his head to the side. “Sure. Got the best can of tomatoes in Wyoming in my bag. Good enough for ya?”

You laughed, like…actually laughed. Joel’s chest grew warm at the sight, seeing you clutch your belly as you gripped Snow’s reigns with your other hand.

“Fuck off Joel.” You laughed, and the two of you rode until it got too dark to keep going.

—————

There were no infected.

It worried you, the lack of their presence anywhere so far on your trip.

You knew that Jackson did daily patrols, there were never really any infected in that area because of it. You and Joel were pretty far out now though, so where the fuck were they?

It was quiet around the fire, and the sun was only just beginning to set. Joel had decided to light a fire just before it got dark so that the chances of anyone (or anything) seeing the fire were slimmer than they would be in the night.

You sat near the fire, watching the wood crackle and burn away while Joel started to cook the can of ravioli over the heat. “Joel?” You spoke quietly to catch his attention.

His eyes looked up to you, face licked by the glow of the flames as the sky gradually grew darker. He waited for you to speak, stirring the food in the dish with a fork.

“Shouldn’t there be infected around by now?” You asked, anxiously fidgeting with your long sleeves as you sat with your knees up to your chest. “We’re far enough out, right? There should be infected.”

Joel put the fork down, holding his hands with his own knees propped up. He let out a soft breath, glancing down at the cooking food.

“Usually they’re in big cities or towns. We’re too out in the open here.” He explained quietly, keeping an eye on you.

You chewed the inside of your cheek, and it was clear something was bothering you. “‘S always a chance we’ll find some. But it ain’t likely.” He reassured you, dishing up some food for you in a little bowl.

You took it from him with a nod of thanks, holding it on top of your knees as you sat there staring at it. Memories gnawed at the edges of your mind, threatening to send you spiralling.

The last time you’d been far from civilisation, you’d been attacked by infected during the night. In your sleep too. Well, you and Taylor.

“You’re sure?” Your voice was a little calmer, a little softer now as you stared at Joel from across the fire between you.

Joel held his dish in his own hands, fork pushing the stuff around as he watched you back. After a beat of silence, he gave you a firm nod. “I’m sure.”

You exhaled, staying put for a few moments before slowly starting to eat. Joel did the same, the two of you just sitting in silence sharing the food as the fire crackled away.

Crickets chirped as the sky painted itself with stars, the fire now put out as you and Joel cleaned up the dishes and got ready for the night.

The spot you’d chosen to sleep was fairly hidden, near some rocky hills like the previous night, tucked behind some jagged rocks in a more or less private little area close to the road.

You sat on top of your sleeping bag as Joel got out his rifle, checking the bullets and making sure it was fully loaded.

You watched the way his face contorted in concentration, hands deftly working around his gun like he knew it better than he knew himself.

“I’ll take first watch.” Joel muttered, just as he had the night before.

You slipped into your sleeping bag, not protesting as you laid down. Joel propped himself up against a rock, gun in hand as he sat near the burnt out ashes of the fire.

You lay there for a while. You weren’t sure how long, but you laid still and wide awake. You blinked, sleepiness gone as you thought about Taylor. About how you’d missed the signs of infected. Missed the door opening as a runner stumbled into the abandoned house.

You sat up, rubbing your eyes and glancing over at Joel who had turned to look at you, surprised to see you awake. You stared at him for a few moments, swallowing the lump in your throat.

“Can’t sleep right now, Joel.” You sighed tiredly, slipping out of the sleeping bag and moving to grab your gun. “You get some sleep. I’ll take the first watch.”

Joel didn’t move, just watched as you mechanically got your gun and sat a few feet away from him, eyes wide open and alert. He knew you were paranoid, that much was obvious.

“‘S okay. I’m not tired.” He mumbled, gripping his gun a little tighter and sitting up straighter as you both stared up at the starry night sky.

You didn’t speak, didn’t move. Not for a while. Occasionally your eyes would drift back to him. His face was illuminated by the moon and the stars, so bright and warm in the darkness of the evening.

Something shifted in your chest. There was a little pull, something drawing you to him. A part of you wanted him closer. Why? You weren’t sure. But it nagged at your insides for minutes as you both sat there side by side, a small gap between you.

Fuck it. You shuffled closer to him, and now your entire side was pressed against his own.

He tensed, not expecting the sudden touch. You immediately regretted it despite the warmth that seeped into your body on instant.

You were about to move away again, but he seemed to relax. Didn’t say anything, didn’t tell you to move. Just…sat with it.

You stayed there for a long time, possibly hours, your head having drifted down to rest on his shoulder. Joel didn’t move you, didn’t press or push you away. He just sat there and let you do it.

It felt good. Too normal and too kind. Too comforting. The nausea it caused was almost too much to handle, but just the feeling of his body so close to yours seemed to get rid of that anxiety you’d been riddled with from the start of the night.

You closed your eyes, head on his shoulder, body relaxed as you listened to your breathing as well as Joel’s. It seemed to lull you to sleep, thoughts of Taylor calmed and long gone now as you slipped into unconsciousness.

Either Joel hadn’t noticed or he didn’t care, because he didn’t move a single inch.

As you drifted to sleep, you were so far gone that you didn’t even notice Joel’s hand coming to rest on your knee as you let yourself fall away from reality.

—————

You woke up to the scent of coffee.

Burnt, rich grounds wafted through the air, alerting your senses as you squinted your eyes open. The sky was lit bright blue and it took a moment to adjust, back twinging and aching from the uncomfortable ground.

You were in your sleeping bag. You didn’t remember Joel waking you, so he must have moved you after falling asleep.

Your eyes drifted over to the fire, noticing him crouched by the flames as the coffee boiled in a small metal pot. He hadn’t noticed you waking up, focused on getting cups ready for coffee.

“Should’ve woken me up.” You muttered tiredly, voice groggy as his eyes snapped over to you. “Would’ve taken second watch, Joel.”

The man gave you a shrug, and nothing else in response. He just continued fussing over his coffee before rummaging through his backpack.

You rubbed the sleep from your eyes, groaning sleepily before getting up and rolling your sleeping bag back into its case.

Once finished, you shuffled over to the fire and held your hands out to it. The night had been fairly chilly it seemed, since your skin was covered in goosebumps and cold to the touch.

Joel held out a fresh cup of coffee for you which you took gratefully, taking a sip and wincing at the burning of your tongue. You kept drinking, liking the way it sizzled against your tastebuds.

“What’s your plan?” The man asked suddenly in the quiet of the fire crackling away.

Your eyes peeked over the top of your cup, meeting his anxiously. “Hm?” You hummed, sipping your coffee before putting it down, now avoiding his gaze.

Joel grunted as he sat down properly, pouring some water over the fire to put it out. “Your plan. You know what you’re doin’?”

The tone that he used rubbed you the wrong way. You tensed, rolling your shoulders back and the soft expression from earlier fell away. “I know I’m going to kill them. Does that constitute as enough of a plan for you?” You glared at him.

Joel sighed, rubbing at his stubble for a moment with his eyes trained tiredly at the burnt out fire-pit.

“You know how big their group is in Montana? Do you know what we’re walkin’ into here?” He asked seriously, eyes trained on you as you cracked your knuckles

“No, I don’t.” You snapped shortly, clearing your throat and standing abruptly. “Doesn’t matter. I’ll kill them no matter how many people they’ve got with them. I’ll die trying.”

You started to pack up your things without another word, and Joel didn’t press. He just did the same thing quietly, the two of you ready to get back out on the road.

As Joel got the horses packed up and ready a few minutes later, you walked over to him. “Joel.” You spoke from behind him, close enough that you could feel his warmth.

He glanced down at you, hands pausing on Snow’s saddle before they fell upon seeing the seriousness in your expression. “Yeah?” He asked in a breath, worn features softening at the look you were giving him.

You exhaled, taking a moment to breathe before speaking. “What I said before…about dying trying to kill these guys?” You started, swallowing the lump in your throat. “That doesn’t mean you.”

Joel’s eyebrow raised and he went to say something, but you put your hand up gesturing for him to wait. “Listen. I’m serious.”

“If anything happens to me out there, you go.” You felt the lump forming in your throat. The sun glared down on you both.

“I mean it. You leave, and go back to Jackson without thinking twice. I meant what I said. I would rather die than leave without killing them.”

Once again, Joel went to speak but you interrupted him with a slightly more sad tone. “You don’t protect me. You don’t put yourself in harms way unless it’s unavoidable. You leave, whether it’s with me…or not. You understand me?”

He didn’t say anything at first, just stared at you in a way you couldn’t decipher. Your chest rose and fell with the thumping of your heart. “Promise me, Joel.”

When he didn’t speak still, you whispered. “Promise me you’ll get out no matter what happens to me.”

A few moments of tense, uncomfortable silence went by, before Joel’s eyes stared right down into yours.

“I promise.” He muttered, not as firmly as you’d have hoped for, but it was a promise nonetheless.

You nodded, eternally grateful, before heading over to your horse and mounting Snow’s back. Joel stood there for a minute before doing the same, getting on his own horse.

You examined the map as you rode slightly ahead, Joel following as you both went towards the main road leading you to Montana.

Joel’s eyes lingered on you, the way you stared down at the map like it was the only thing keeping you alive.

You would kill these people, even if it killed you in process.

Sink Your Teeth In

A Joel Miller Fan Fiction

Chapter 13 - Day One

Summary: You were brought to Jackson a shell, a husk of yourself. No one knew anything about you, not even your name. Struggling with Jackson life, and your troubling past, you meet Joel Miller. A man with just as much blood on his hands. You won’t let him save you, and you sure as hell won’t save him.

OR

You and Joel Miller learn you’re more alike than you’d ever admit. Maybe you’ll both learn how to feel alive again.

Warnings: Graphic descriptions of typical tlou gore and violence, suicidal thoughts and self harm (remember there are people to talk to 🫶), mentions of cannibalism, religious trauma, grief, brief possible eating disorder, fluff and eventual smut, swearing. let me know if i missed any.

A/N: Here we goooo, the official start of her trip to Montana!!! Shits only gonna get crazier from here I promise! Hope you enjoy this chapter, please comment and let me know what you think! Take care of yourselves 🫶

Chapter 14

—————

A day had passed.

Summer was beginning to make an appearance, the searing sun burning down its rays across Jackson. Morning was due, and the scent of burnt wood filled the body of the woods.

Yesterday morning, you’d fled from Jackson.

You had spent the entire day getting as far away from town as possible, aiming to put a large amount of distance in between you.

There was a chance that the council would send a group out looking for you.

Of course that chance was slim in your eyes, since there weren’t many people in town particularly fond of you. The only person that would maybe miss you was Ellie, and she’s young. She’d get over it.

Beams of light were beginning to pour through the gaps in the trees as you groaned, rubbing the sleep from your eyes. The sleeping bag rustled as you slipped out, shuffling across the dirt towards where the fire was nothing but ashes.

You sat there for a while, listening to the chirping of birds under the leaves. The can of fruit you’d brought popped open, and you started to eat in the cool breeze.

Before long, you were up and packing ready to get moving again. The map sat weighted in your pocket as you slung your pack over your shoulder, swiftly leaving the area and heading into the dense woods.

The community was near Lewistown, Montana. That was the only thing you knew, apart from the fact that May had a brother there. It would be about a week hike, potentially longer if you ran into obstacles on the way.

Hours passed in a long, sun-kissed blur.

Your feet were already beginning to ache as you traversed across the land, between winding trees and then through vast empty plains. You decided to try and find, then follow, route 191 the best you could. It was the easiest way to reach Montana.

All you could think about was Joel.

After so many hours of thinking about your old community, your dad and Taylor, your thoughts had drifted to save you from probably having a psychotic breakdown. Instead, they shifted to the man who’d seen you last in Jackson.

You thought about the kiss that haunted your dreams every single night. The kiss that made your lips tingle whenever you touched them. The kiss that had changed everything for you.

The argument, too. The argument on patrol, the raiders attacking and then the conflict before that, when he’d tried to stop you from even patrolling in the first place.

But it was hard to be angry anymore. Not as you got further and further away from Jackson. A pit of sickness seemed to get deeper with every mile.

Because while your thoughts trailed away from all of the arguments, and the darkness you’d been in, it shifted to memories of smiling around him. Memories of you sitting by Ellie’s side watching a movie at his house, of eating dinner with him. Of kissing him.

It was a pretty long journey ahead, and the whirring of your mind was already beginning to drive you fucking nuts.

You ended up sitting for a break at about midday. You’d been walking for about 5 hours straight now, and if you didn’t sit for a while your legs were bound to go numb.

There was a rock looking out over the plains, since you were up the side of a small rocky hill. You sat there, staring out blankly at the scenery with a void in your heart.

You shouldn’t miss Joel. You shouldn’t. You didn’t know him well, if at all. You’d only known him since winter. Not long at all. So why couldn’t you stop thinking about him?

After a long time of sitting there, you felt the hairs on the back of your neck begin to stand on end, nerves crackling.

You slowly began to turn, face scrunched up as you listened for sounds. Maybe there was an animal nearby, you thought, because something was telling your mind that you weren’t alone.

With slow, cautious fingers you started to slide your gun from your back, bringing it silently to your chest and aiming it out at the woods behind the little area you were sat.

When you didn’t hear anything, you decided it was better safe than sorry to investigate.

Leaves crunched softly under your boots as you wove between the trees, gun raised and squinted eye looking through the sight of your rifle.

Ahead, there was nothing but dense trees. A lot of fucking places to hide, which was slightly alarming. Maybe you should’ve thought this through a little better.

A twig snapped just a short distance away from your left and you spun around, gun aimed and face contorted into one of deathly determination.

Of course, that all fell apart when you saw Joel Miller standing there with his hands raised in surrender.

Your grip on the gun faltered, so much so that you nearly dropped it, and for a short moment you wanted to run over to him and collapse into his arms.

You quickly recovered, eyes hardening again after your brief second of weakness.

“The fuck are you doing here, Joel?” You snapped, slinging your gun back over your shoulder and moving out of the trees to grab your pack from the rock you’d been sitting on previously.

Joel cautiously followed you, face contorted into seriousness and worry. “What do you think you’re doin’?” He asked, and it wasn’t accusatory; it was curious.

You turned to glance at him, walls rising higher than the fucking sun in the sky as you began to leave the area, walking through the woods and leaving him to follow.

“You already know the answer to that.” You chuckled bitterly, not turning to glance his way. “Go home.”

“And leave you out here on your own? Hell no.” He grumbled out. “You think packin’ up and runnin’ outta nowhere is the best idea here, kid? You have any idea how goddamn dangerous it is, what you’re doin?”

You glared back at him, eyes narrowing as you noticed how…prepared he looked. He had a pack with him, and guns too. Layers of clothing for all types of weather. Too ready.

You paused in your steps, turning to face him with your hands on your hips, finger tips white from your harsh grip. “And just what do you suppose I should’ve done then, huh?” You bit out angrily.

“Ain’t no way anyone would’ve let me leave alone just to kill these motherfuckers. They don’t get it. They never will. I’m doing what I have to do.”

You continued walking, but Joel’s calloused fingers wrapped around your wrist to pull you to a stop.

You almost shook him off but instead stood completely still, eyes closed trying not to lose your temper.

Joel’s eyes were soft but you didn’t meet them with your own. He looked down at you, his body so close it made you tingle.

“I get it.” He muttered quietly, intimately, in your ear. “I do. Me and Ellie…we went through a whole lotta shit before we got to Jackson. We saw a lot of things- awful things. I’ve lost people too, kid. I know how it is. But you shoulda told me your plan, I would’ve…”

He trailed off, shaking his head and letting go of your arm. Your eyes looked up to see him through the glare of the sun, seeing it cast his shadow across the woods floor. He took a breath. “I would’ve come with you.” His eyes met yours.

The burning in your chest had lessened now, but the ashes still crackled away. “That’s what you’re doing now then? Even when you’ve got a kid in Jackson who’d be fucking broken if anything happened to you? You’re stupid for this, Joel. So goddamn stupid.”

He stared down at you, nostrils flaring as he took some breaths trying to figure out how to approach this.

“I ain’t exactly known for being careful.” He muttered, attempting to be a little lighthearted to ease the tension that had formed in the air.

You shook your head, mentally arguing with yourself. “You’ve got a home in Jackson. People waiting on you. I haven’t got anyone. All I have left is killing these fuckers. You’ve got shit to lose, I haven’t.” You breathed out, fighting the battle of wanting him to stay, and wanting to tell him to fuck off.

He let out a breath, hand coming back up to your arm. Your breath caught slightly in your throat, the gentle touch startling you.

“If you had no one, I wouldn’t be stood here right now.” Joel said, suntanned skin warm under the light and irises glistening.

You stared at him for a moment, unmoving. Something crawled up your chest and tugged at your heartstrings, tears threatening to well up in your eyes.

Joel wanted to help you. You had Joel. Joel was here, and he came for you.

He came for you even though you left.

A few more beats went by before you subtly shrugged off his hand, sniffling and forcing your face to turn stone cold as you adjusted your bag strap.

“Better get moving then.” You muttered quietly, not lingering any longer as you started to march away through the woods.

Joel sighed, shaking his head before jogging to catch up with you.

—————

“So, where is this group anyway?”

You heard Joel ask from behind you on his horse, the two of you riding side by side. You’d managed to reach route 191, and since it was completely bare empty, you were riding down the road under the sun.

“Montana.” You muttered blankly, gripping Snow’s reigns with white knuckles, letting the overwhelming scent of burnt wood on your jacket fill your senses, grounding you. “Lewistown.” You added.

“‘Bout a four day trip.” Joel sighed, looking out over the mountainous hills rolling across either side of the road in the distance.

“I know that Joel.” You muttered bitterly in response, shaking your head.

He stared at your back as you rode slightly ahead, the distance between you both feeling intensely far when it was actually just a matter of feet. “I know. Was just sayin’.” The man breathed out.

You both kept riding down that road for hours until the sun threatened to paint the sky a shade darker. Luckily, the two of you had come across some rocky hills where there should be a spot to camp for the night.

You took the lead, not wanting to let Joel take the reins now that he was here with you. Even though you didn’t have to, you would prove yourself to this man that you were capable enough. Maybe show him that he hadn’t needed to come to save your ass in the first place.

Within the hour, you’d both set up camp hidden behind some jagged rocks. You rolled out your sleeping back towards the back, and he put his to the left side of yours with a good amount of distance between you both.

“No fire tonight. We’re right by the road. Smoke might attract people, could be far enough out for that.” Joel spoke quietly, voice gruff from cigarettes as he sat down where your bags were piled in the centre like a fire pit.

“Thanks for the advice.” You rolled your eyes and sat on the other side of where he was, looking through your park for your next can of food.

Joel didn’t respond to your sarcasm, he knew you were angry with him. You had a right to be.

You slammed down a can of ravioli, stabbing your knife into it rather aggressively to pull off the top. “Bon appetite.” You huffed and poured some into a small bowl for him, getting one for yourself too.

Joel stared at you, waiting for you to crack. It was always obvious when you had something to say. You’d be irritable, frustrated and closed off. Like you were refusing to let the steam loose from the boiling kettle.

You pulled your knees up to your chest as the spring air got cooler, the sky pulling in the deep blue as the sun left for the night. You both ate in silence, except for the sounds of eating.

The two of you kept exchanging glances throughout the whole thing. It was awkward. Too fucking awkward. Neither of you knew what to say or do.

“What happened at the council meeting, Joel?” You finally broke the tension, slamming your dish down on the floor and folding your arms over your knees. Your eyebrows furrowed with anger.

Joel sighed, having expected this. He looked down at his dish, not speaking for a moment before putting it down with an aching back.

“Me and Ellie travelled together for a long time.” He began to quietly explain, voice soft. “I got hurt along the way. Ellie, poor kid, had to drag me to safety. Kept me alive in the basement of some house.” Joel’s eyes dimmed the more he talked.

“Ellie was kidnapped by a group, during that time. I don’t really know many details myself, but…” He paused, eyes meeting yours over the soft glow of the moonlight. “She was taken by cannibals. Religious nuts, too. Place called Silverlake.”

Your heart thumped in your chest. You didn’t speak, just let him continue. “They were gonna cut her up, eat her. Crazy fucking bastards.” He muttered angrily. “Escaped all on her own. Burned the place down. The main guy, David, tried to…”

He trailed off, shaking his head and closing his eyes. It must be painful to recall. “Well, he tried to do somethin’ to her. Kid won’t talk about it anymore. I can only guess what it was.”

You were frozen. David. Of course, you’d never called him by that name. Other people had though, his right hand men.

“That’s why I was a little…surprised. Didn’t know what to think. It was pretty obvious though. Same group, right?”

You swallowed the lump in your throat, and just gave him a nod.

“I’m sorry for…for being so confusin’. It was just a lot to take in, y’know?” Joel muttered, picking up his dish and continuing eating like nothing had happened.

He was such a hard man to read. You wished you could. Wished you could understand how he felt, what he was thinking. It would help you out a whole lot, that was for sure.

“Right.” You whispered, not knowing what to say now. You just stared down at your bags in the centre between you, your fingers stroking over your knees in a soothing gesture.

After a while, you both decided it was time to rest. “I’ll take first watch.” Joel muttered, not looking your way as you went to slide in to your sleeping bag.

“Yeah.” You whispered in response, curling so that your back was facing him as you curled up and rested your head.

This would be a long fucking week.

Sink Your Teeth In

A Joel Miller Fan Fiction

Chapter 12 - Revenge

Summary: You were brought to Jackson a shell, a husk of yourself. No one knew anything about you, not even your name. Struggling with Jackson life, and your troubling past, you meet Joel Miller. A man with just as much blood on his hands. You won’t let him save you, and you sure as hell won’t save him.

OR

You and Joel Miller learn you’re more alike than you’d ever admit. Maybe you’ll both learn how to feel alive again.

Warnings: Graphic descriptions of typical tlou gore and violence, suicidal thoughts and self harm (remember there are people to talk to 🫶), mentions of cannibalism, religious trauma, grief, brief possible eating disorder, fluff and eventual smut, swearing. let me know if i missed any.

A/N: It’s time for shit to get serioussss. Hope you enjoy this chapter, please let me know what you think in the comments, I appreciate all of the support! Take care of yourselves 🫶

Chapter 13

—————

“You let them go!?”

Your voice echoed through Maria’s office, standing there with clenched white knuckle fists glaring down at Tommy, chest thumping with pure rage.

It was just you and him in the room.

Originally you were supposed to hear this news in the town hall with the rest of the council and half the fucking town present, but Tommy had seemed to realise this would be an outrageous thing to tell you in front of everyone.

He watched you pace back and fourth, clearly on the verge of some sort of breakdown, and he took a deep breath in preparation.

“We don’t kill people here in Jackson.” Tommy explained softly, trying not to step a wrong foot in the minefield he was in. “It’s against our laws. It’d be unethical. I know it’s frustratin’-“

“Frustrating?” You gasped out, chest heaving with pure rage and panic. “You let those fuckers go! They get to live out their lives however they please, and my dad is gone!” You screamed at him, and it was so loud that the passers by on the street could hear it through the walls.

“He’s gone, because of them! They murdered him, chopped him up and served him to our people!” You yelled, practically on the verge of sobbing, slamming your hands down on the desk in front of him.

“Me and Taylor ate him Tommy! And we had no fucking clue! They let us eat pieces of my fucking dad while we were grieving because he was supposedly shot by raiders!”

Tommy just sat there and listened to it all. He understood, he really did. If he had been in your shoes he would’ve been halfway out of Jackson ready to hunt them down and kill them.

But he had to let them go. His killing days were behind him, behind everyone here in Jackson except for you.

You panted for breath, staring at him incredulously. “I can’t believe you. You let them go.” You whispered, shaking your head. “You’re a son of a bitch, Tommy. You should be fucking ashamed.”

That was the last thing you spat before you were slamming the door, leaving town hall with alarming speed and heading home.

You put your hands in your pockets, keeping your head down to avoid the nervous looks people were giving you. You were emanating pure rage and grief, that much was clear.

You spotted the front porch of your home, and stopped in your tracks momentarily.

Joel was sat on your chair beside the window, sitting there with a cigarette clearly waiting for you.

He had avoided you the entire day after your testimony. Hadn’t come to see you, hadn’t followed you home. Fuck, you hadn’t even seen Ellie either. They’d gone completely cold on you, and it hurt like a bitch after everything.

You walked towards the house, not looking at him even once. You trudged up the steps as Joel rose, attempting to block the door. “Hey, we need to talk.” He muttered to you, reaching out to grab your arm gently.

The moment his fingers touched your arm you flinched, snatching yourself away from him and refusing to look in his direction. You focused your gaze to the floor.

“No. No we don’t.” You spat out, trying to keep quiet and not cause a scene in the neighbourhood. Joel clearly wasn’t having it though. You attempted to push open the front door once again but he stepped in front, blocking your entrance.

“Yes, we do.” He looked down at you with a look that suggested this was serious, but his voice was full of warmth. He was too hot and cold for you to handle right now.

You shook your head, trying not to get too angry again. You panted for breath, staring at the floor. “They let them go.” You breathed out, staying as composed as possible but venom still seeped into your voice. “They’re gone. They’re free and my dad is dead.”

Joel reached out and placed his hand on your upper arm, and this time you didn’t move away. If you moved an inch, you felt like you’d explode.

His thumb caressed over your jacket and you tensed. “I’m sorry.” He mumbled, and you shook your head angrily.

“Everyone’s always sorry. Always pitying and sympathetic, and then stop me from getting the justice my dad deserves. Being sorry doesn’t bring him back.” You spat out.

You shoved past him, his fingers slipping away from you as you slammed the door before he could follow you in.

—————

That night, you knew what you had to do.

For yourself, and for your father.

It was late, definitely past midnight as owls hooted and the soft breeze rustled the dancing trees.

Stars glistened brightly in the dark sky as you walked quietly down into town. The moon cast a spotlight on to the street as you shifted to the shadowed areas out of sight.

The Tipsy Bison still had its nighttime crowd with muffled rowdy laughter booming through the closed doors. You moved past, down towards town hall.

The door was locked but you already knew that. In your dark jacket with your hood pulled up, you slipped around the back and found one of the windows into the storage room.

You kicked a few crates from the back of the building just under the window, stepping up carefully and as silent as the rest of town, you slid open the unlocked window and slipped inside with ease.

Given your small frame, you managed to slip inside easily and you landed to the floor with a soft thud.

Through the dark you manoeuvred with a faint torchlight into the hall, towards the stairs.

Wood panels creaked under your feet as you moved up, towards the office. The door was locked, and again you anticipated this.

Your dad had taught you how to pick locks when you were young. Even with something as simple as a hair pin. Luckily for you, you’d managed to get some from an older lady in town and had one with you now.

You jammed it inside the lock, carefully jiggling it around and fiddling with the lock mechanism. You sighed with relief as the lock simply came undone, and you made your way quietly inside the office.

This was all with the hope that Tommy had written something about their plans. Hopefully they’d mentioned where they were heading next. After all they had said their stay would be temporary, you’d learnt from Joel before everything went down.

Rifling through drawers and cabinets, you found nothing fast.

You flicked through maps and blueprints on the desk, and still nothing. You could feel the heat creeping up into your body, a live wire as you tried not to go into an absolute rage.

You crouched down by the desk, rummaging through the drawers while trying to keep everything the way it was before.

Eventually, you found something.

A notebook. It looked similar to the patrol books they used, but as you opened it you noticed it was filled with notes about people here in Jackson. Basic information, like names and how old people are.

You flicked through eagerly, the thrumming in your temples getting stronger. You went through towards the newer pages. You even saw yourself in there but didn’t linger on it long.

Soon enough, you found a page about Jerry, Clancy, and May. Travelled together, stated their ages and whether or not they had other people nearby.

And then you saw it.

A community up in Montana. Not a big one, but they had connections there. Wanted to go there and hopefully find May’s older brother Hunter.

You tore the page out immediately and left town hall as soon as possible with a map from Tommy’s desk in hand.

Tearing down the street towards your house, the town was deathly silent.

The Thompson’s were asleep, you had checked before even leaving. So, you made your way towards the front porch and stepped up, quietly opening the front door and slipping down your hood.

You went into the living room, flicking on a lamp and setting down your new possessions on the coffee table.

That night you’d packed a backpack full of things like clothes, canned foods and a lighter. Other random essentials. You’d have to get weapons from the cabin behind the barn soon.

You planned on leaving that night, without a doubt.

You stayed hunched over that map for a while. Scribbling notes down and tracking routes to take up to Montana. You knew that the group wouldn’t have made it far yet. They’d been released that morning so they would be camped somewhere for the night not too far away.

Energy thrummed through you as you marked down the different routes, images of your father’s face flickering through your mind, Taylor’s voice in your ear. You would do this for them.

You would avenge your father no matter what the cost.

—————

You waited until the early hours of the morning. Too early for anyone else to be around.

Jackson was empty, silent save for the birds hooting their morning calls. The sun was just beginning to peek out from above the horizon, casting an orange glow across the painted dark blue sky.

You had everything you needed. A backpack full to the brim was hanging from your shoulders, thick boots on and clothes fit for the warmth of the upcoming summer. After all, you didn’t know how long you’d be gone; if you’d ever come back at all.

These people are dangerous, that much you knew. So were you, so at least you knew you’d be able to put up a fight if they managed to take you out.

The stables were locked as usual, so you unpicked the bolt on the door with ease and entered the warmth of where the horses were.

Behind the barn, there was a storage shed where all of the weapons were kept. You manoeuvred quietly and quickly to the door, unpicking it fast but keeping as silent as humanly possible.

You didn’t have an exact time for when the patrollers would come down, and the guards were still at their watchtowers. You’d been damn lucky they hadn’t even spotted you yet, so this would have to be quick.

Once inside, without much of a routine you began to scan the weapons lining the walls, before picking some out. A handgun now sat in your holster, as much ammo as possible shoved in your bag. A rifle too, and a good one at that, now slung over your back. You shoved more ammo into your bag.

A part of you wished you’d said goodbye to Ellie. To Joel. But you figured they wouldn’t need it. They’d forget about you in no time. Ellie was a good kid. She didn’t need someone like you around.

And Joel. He’d been so hot and cold with you. So supportive until you really needed it, and then he’d avoid you. You weren’t sure you could handle that anymore. It messed with your head. You didn’t know whether to trust him or push him away.

So, you began to saddle up your horse prepared to never look back.

It was time.

Snow was scraping her hooves on the hay of her stable floor. You knew of a back entrance to Jackson, had known about it since the start when you’d mapped out the entirety of the town just for peace of mind. Well, it couldn’t really be classed as an entrance. It was more of a weak spot in their meticulous defence system.

While the sun was still low, you began to tug Snow out of the stables and into the dark shadows of the street away from the guard towers.

“Come on. We’ve gotta go.” You whispered to her, stroking her neck as you tugged her out of the stables.

You led her down behind the buildings where it was least likely for people to spot you. Your breath was visible in the cool spring morning air, the grass dewy and glistening under the light forming in the sky.

Up ahead, there was one of the main walls surrounding Jackson. You tied Snow to one of the nearby trees and trudged quietly over to the panels of the wall.

You let your fingers gently push around the wall, prodding and testing, trying not to alert the nearest guard tower.

This side of Jackson was closest to the woods. If you could get out fast enough and disappear into the trees, the guards wouldn’t be able to stop you.

They would see you leave, that was guaranteed, but once you were gone you’d keep going until Jackson was no longer your problem.

After a few moments, part of the panel creaked underneath the pads of your fingers. Bingo.

Swiftly, you began to pry at it until it came loose, pulling it up high enough for Snow to fit through.

There were some metal reinforcements, but without the panel to hold it in place you managed to rip that up too. Some of the birds flew from the trees at the gentle screech, so you knew you’d have to act fast.

Untying Snow, with a clear exit, you led her through as she bowed her head to fit. “Come on, good girl. Stay quiet.” You whispered to Snow as if she understood. “Almost there.”

The moment you were out, adrenaline pumped through your blood.

You were free. This was it.

A drop of fear began to run through you, but there was no going back. Not now. You had to do this.

You mounted Snow, and within a second, you got her into a sprint and you were riding towards the woods as fast as you could go.

You refused to look back as some yells echoed from the watchtowers.

It was too late. They wouldn’t catch you now.

With a last image of Ellie and Joel in your mind, you rode and rode until the walls of Jackson were lost to the wind.

Sink Your Teeth In

A Joel Miller Fan Fiction

Chapter 11 - Father

Summary: You were brought to Jackson a shell, a husk of yourself. No one knew anything about you, not even your name. Struggling with Jackson life, and your troubling past, you meet Joel Miller. A man with just as much blood on his hands. You won’t let him save you, and you sure as hell won’t save him.

OR

You and Joel Miller learn you’re more alike than you’d ever admit. Maybe you’ll both learn how to feel alive again.

Warnings: Graphic descriptions of typical tlou gore and violence, suicidal thoughts and self harm (remember there are people to talk to 🫶), mentions of cannibalism, religious trauma, grief, brief possible eating disorder, fluff and eventual smut, swearing. let me know if i missed any.

A/N: Time for a little more backstory of our main character!! As always please leave comments and let me know what you think! Take care of yourselves 🫶

Chapter 12

—————

“What are we gonna do with ‘em?”

The room was tense, filled with silence except for the break of Joel’s gruff voice. Tommy sat behind Maria’s desk, the two of them in the familiar office above town hall.

Joel was angry. Angry for you, angry just from the little information you’d given him. You still hadn’t been released from holding, because the council still needed to decide how to approach this situation.

The three people, who you’d explained were called Jerry, Clancy and May, were still in their temporary house. Joel had tried to refute it, yelling at Tommy when he found out saying that they should be in a cell if you had to be.

Tommy stared up at Joel, hands clasped in front of him seriously. It was a difficult situation to deal with, so everybody was stressed after your outburst.

“What is there to do, Joel?” He asked, running a hand over his hair. This wasn’t the kind of stress Tommy needed while his wife was on bed rest at home after her birth, but someone had to take over. “She hasn’t even told us everythin’. To everyone else, it just looks like she attacked ‘em outta nowhere.”

“They killed her dad, Tommy!” Joel clapped back, face contorted with frustration and protection over you. “That’s reason enough to kick ‘em the fuck out.”

“Calm down, Joel.” Tommy warned him, rubbing his forehead. “The council needs to hear her side of the story, then the groups’.” He sighed out and glanced out of the window, seeing the clouds shifting over the sky. “Can’t do nothin’ about it, brother.”

Joel shook his head, so beyond frustrated he felt it burning in his lungs. It was too fucking unfair, you locked up in a cell while those who killed your parents got a warm bed. He couldn’t do anything this time; he felt helpless.

He left Tommy’s office, giving the door a damn good slam on the way out. The man immediately headed straight for the building you were being held in. The guards were nice enough considering they were just members of the community, so he knew they’d let him in.

The precarious bulb hanging from the ceiling in the hall flickered as he made his way inside, walls chipped and broken. It was a long stretching hallway, leading down to a row of barred cells. The place was empty except for the last cell at the end of the hall.

Joel approached the cell, and saw you sitting there against the wall just as you had been yesterday. Perhaps you hadn’t even moved at all - he wouldn’t be surprised. The guard unlocked the cell and he stepped inside, noticing you didn’t even look up from where you stared tiredly at the wall.

“Tried talkin’ to Tommy, he wasn’t havin’ any of it.” He sighed, sitting down against the opposite wall since the room was so small. He faced you, and you looked down at the fingernails you’d been picking at for days.

You didn’t acknowledge his words, just breathing softly in the quiet of the building. Faint flickering and struggling electrical noises broke the silence occasionally.

Joel sighed, rubbing his forehead with stress. “I tried, I did.” He added, voice full of warmth no one else other than Ellie got to hear. “He said you’ll have to plead your case to the council, explain everythin’. Then they’ll decide what happens.”

This time, you gave a faint nod. Anger still thrummed through your veins like a live wire, eager to kill every last one of the fuckers who’d ended your father’s life. They’d taken everything from you, started the chain reaction of events that led to being so fucked up in the first place.

“When?” You asked quietly.

Joel pursed his lips, arms resting over his knees as he leaned back against the wall. “Tomorrow.”

You audibly sucked in a shaky breath, wanting nothing more than for the ground to open up and swallow you whole. Everything was too hard, too much. You would have to explain everything to a panel of people you barely knew.

“Hey.” Joel leaned forward, having sensed the dread building within you. Hesitantly, he placed a firm calloused hand on your knee, leaning closer. “I’ll be right there with you, sweetheart.” He muttered, a look of pure determination behind his eyes.

You met his gaze, staring at him for a long few moments. A fight with yourself swam in your head. You wanted to be held. Held like you used to be by your family, held like you meant something. Like you weren’t alone. But you couldn’t ask that of Joel.

You nodded, eyes glazed over. Joel let out a sigh, thumb swiping gently back and forth over your knee. Your eyes fluttered closed, taking a deep breath at the sensation. A deep ache settled in your bones, heavy and new.

You would be ready with Joel there.

—————

It was time.

The council were all sat at their stand at the front of the room. The town hall was packed with people, but no children as they usually were. Mostly because Tommy knew this story wouldn’t be for children’s ears.

He himself sat up there in the middle, a seat missing from where Maria would be. It was time.

You sat on the front row, anxiously bouncing your knee as Joel sat beside you. Ellie had begged to come but the man had refused. He knew what this story could entail, and he didn’t want to expose you to her questions.

The council announced to the crowd of people what the meeting was about, but you drowned it all out. Your heart ached and nausea settled across your body.

Suddenly, you felt a warmth encompass your hand, grounding and real. You glanced down, seeing Joel’s hand resting on top of yours. His thumb caressed veins and your knuckles, and when your eyes met his, he gave you a soft understanding nod. He was there with you. You could get through this.

Soon enough, Tommy mentioned you. “Alright, it’s time to hear from our girl, so everybody please stay quiet for the time bein’. Questions come after.” He called out, looking over to you and giving you a supportive nod. Perhaps even pitying.

Shakily, you removed your hand from Joel’s and stood up from your seat. You didn’t turn and face the audience, staring up at the panel of the council who all watched you with anticipation.

You cleared your throat, bile rising up from your stomach. “I know people are probably nervous, given that I attacked those people out of nowhere, in the middle of town. For that, I’m sorry.” You spoke loudly, surprised by the strength of your own voice.

Something about Joel sitting beside where you stood, watching you and being there for support, made your chest lighten and the words poured out.

“My father was a good man.” You began, refusing to let your voice crack. “A very good man. Lived for his family, fought for us every day. On outbreak day it was just me and him, nobody else. He brought me up, kept me alive, even if it cost him everything, he would do anything for me.”

People stared at you, listening intently in the quiet of the room. No one else spoke a word. You continued.

“We found a community, only five years before I arrived here. In our previous community back in Nebraska, he met a woman. They had another child, my little sister Taylor.”

“We left that community after Taylor’s mother passed away from illness a couple years after her birth. We found a new home in Casper, a community. A religious one, because my dad was a religious man and it seemed to work for us.”

“Things were good for a long time. Until my father died.” The room was completely still, and a few people sucked in a breath. “Supposedly, he’d died from being shot by raiders while hunting alone in the spring. I believed that for a long time.

“Our leader supported me and Taylor at first, helped us get through the loss. Unfortunately though, that did not last.”

You cleared your throat again, feeling the tears threaten to build but you tried your hardest to dissociate from the memories.

“Our leader, or as we called him Father, began to abuse me. He wanted to abuse Taylor in the same way, but I never let him. I always bribed him, put myself in her place. I would never let him get his hands on her.”

A few people gasped a little, and you locked eyes with Tommy. He looked sad, as did a lot of people in the room. Pitying. It made you feel sick.

“Very shortly after my dad’s death, we moved to somewhere not too far from here, I’m not sure where exactly. It was Autumn, so things were getting harder on us all.”

“One day, I went to the kitchen to help cook dinner as I always did. But I heard voices around the back, so I went to the back door and listened in to what I was hearing.”

You took a deep breath, knowing you needed it or else you might faint or go into a panic.

“I heard voices, talking about the meat we would be using to cook. They said something about the kill they’d gotten a few days before the move, about how much fun it had been. I assumed they were talking about animals, until…”

Your breath stuttered, choking back a sob. You placed your hand on your stomach, trying to ground yourself as you held back tears. Joel was staring at you.

“Until they mentioned how much he had struggled. How much he had begged, because of his children.” You sniffled. “They said they’d had to do it, Father had ordered it, because of how hard food was to find as it got colder.”

“I knew exactly who they were talking about. I charged out of those doors and they stared at me in shock. I went to launch myself at them until they all pulled out their guns.”

A couple of tears fell down your cheeks and you felt Joel tense. You glanced down at him and noticed his face had changed. He looked like he was thinking. Or he was realising something. You turned your attention away from him and back to the council.

“I ran. I ran to Taylor, packed up our shit and ran as fast as we could. We never looked back.”

You decided somewhere through all of the talking that you would leave out the rest of the details. Recalling everything with Taylor would be unbearably painful, you wouldn’t be able to do it, not yet. So, with a shaky breath, you began to close out your point.

“Those people who had killed and chopped up my dad to eat were Jerry, Clancy, and May. The three people I attacked a couple of days ago.”

The room was deathly silent.

No one spoke a word for a moment, not even the council. You stood there completely still, waiting for something, anything, to break the horrible silence that had settled across the whole room.

After a few painful moments, Tommy spoke again. “Thank you.” He stared at you, and you immediately sat back down.

You looked to Joel, wanting him to say anything. To do something. But all he did was sit there and stare into space. His gaze moved to Tommy who was now staring back.

“We will discuss the next course of action. For now, you can return home. Everyone will commute back here tomorrow at 12. Thank you for your time everybody.”

The room gradually began to disperse. A cold sweat broke out across your pale skin as you stared at Joel. He didn’t say anything, just sat there. You wanted to ask him what the problem was, what was wrong, but the words caught in your throat.

What if he thought differently of you now?

Not able to take it anymore, you stood up abruptly and left the hall. You heard Joel get up and move towards the council panel, but you didn’t turn back.

You kept walking and walking, reaching the front steps of your house in no time. You weren’t sure if you’d have a place here in Jackson for much longer. You decided that if that was the case, you’d make the most of it.

You wanted to go and see Ellie. Wanted to watch shitty movies with her and Joel, to listen to her yap about comics and space. You wanted to sit on the couch with them as Ellie falls asleep on your shoulder.

Instead, you went straight upstairs. The house was silent save for the creaking of stairs under heavy weight of your dragging feet. The Thompson’s had been at the meeting, and you’d left faster than them. You hoped they wouldn’t try to come and see you.

You went into your bedroom, immediately going into the bathroom with purpose. You grabbed your pillow and blanket from the bathtub, ripping them out and pulling them across the floor back into the bedroom.

Tears streamed down your face, your father’s voice echoing through your ears like a painful alarm to remind you of what you’d lost.

You threw it all on to the dust-covered bed, before climbing on top through sobs and slipping under the covers.

It was cold, but the heat would seep in to your aching body soon enough.

You let your head sink into the pillow, loud sobs racking through your entire body. A tsunami of emotions rushed through. You could lose Joel and Ellie tomorrow. You could lose everything all over again.

You fall asleep to the vision of your father and Taylor’s face in the front of your mind.

You imagined them holding you, cuddling you to sleep, but all that was really there was a dusty blanket and sheets icier than the pain in your heart.