A Day in Life

Banyak waktu dimana saya merasa terlalu memaksakan hal hal yang ada di sekitar saya untuk selalu setuju dan mendukung cara saya hidup. Masalahnya hal hal itu punya pikiran mereka masingg masing dan tidak semuanya menunjukkan reaksi yang sama. Banyak waktu saya merasa mereka yang terlalu memaksakan kehendak. Untuk mengubah saya menjadi sesuatu yang sama sekali bukan saya. Tapi disini lah muncul kompromi. Kompromi dimana kami saling menekan ego dan emosi masing masing. Menerima bahwa manusia memang berbeda. Tidak mudah. Ketakutan saya untuk kehilangan hal hal yang penting dalam hidup ini merupakan salah satu penyebabnya. Sebenarnya dapat dengan mudah saya melakukan apa saja sesuaai dengan keinginan saya. Berkata tanpa ada filter. Berbuat tanpa memikirkan konsekuensi. Sayangnya semua yang saya lakukan pasti meninggalkan jejakndi dunia ini. Entah bekas pada alam ataupun pada orang. Disayangkan pula bekas tidak selamanya indah. Luka juga bekas. Penyok mobil juga bekas. Segiat apapun saya berusaha untuk meninggalkan jejak dan bekas yang baik, semua akan kembali ke mereka yang merasakan dan saya tidak bisa mengendalikan apa yang mereka rasakan. Saya ingat saya pernah membaca bahwa orang tidak akan mengingat apa yang kita katakan tapi mereka akan ingat bagaimana kita membuat mereka merasakan. Perasaan. Satu hal yang membuat manusia tetap manusia tapi juga satu hal yang membuat manusia melupakan kemanusiaan. Hanya demi perasaan ada yang terlalu berhati hati hingga berhenti menunjukkan perasaan ke dunia. Hanya demi perasaan ada pula yang berjuang mati matian demi merasa tersanjung diantara manusia lain.

so in the last couple of days i feel like an utter shit. its not what you see on the outside, because i always manage to put on a happy face. its just that i feel  unimportant, insignificant like nobody will miss me if im gone. i know i always have this dark thoughts about suicide and self harm but i always tell myself that those things arent real. being depressed is not real, its just in my head. but at time i feel like its a huge burden on my shoulders, like i need to shed these feelings but i dont know how.

last night i met my friend and talk about life, love and stuffs. i dont know why im beim emotional then, but i just cried. but i also told her that at times i dont feel like important enough. like people dont want to know whats happening in my life. nt that i want them to know everything, its just that i dont feel like im an important person in their life so if im gonna tell them my stories i will always think that whats the point of telling them. they’ll just liisten and probably be iritated by it. why do they have to listen to my stories anyway. like they dont have any obligations to listen to what i do in my life. and in these times i feel like im all alone. seeing people talking to each others and i just feel like i have no one to talk to.

most of the times i would rant and complain online, twitter or instagram and if i cant take it anymore i would always write something on tumblr. i dont know f i have trust issues or i just dont appreciate the poeple around me. but ive never been hurt that badly to have trust issues and i do appreciate people, thats why i dont want them to listen to nonsensical things. its just that my problems arent even real, they’re just in my head so why bother telling other people.

i used to go to the psychologist every now and then but i havent seen one since i went to college. the worst thing is that i have to pay someone to listen to my problems when they arent even real problems in the first place. i might only be imagining everything but these days it feels so real. i used to tell everything to my mom, but these days i feel like she already has so much problems and liek she doesnt want to listen to me, i dont now anymore. im an only child and i dont have anyone to talk to, thanks tumblr for always be there when i need place to just hide away.

there’s always good days and bad days. outside my room i’ll always smile and laugh but then when im alone all the bad thought are flooding back. and they’re not even real ffs. its just me imagining things. i know i have bunch of close friends but i know they also have their own problems. its selfish of me to always vent to them because this isnt going anywhere anytime soon, i will probably talk about the same thigns over and over again for like 5 years or so. and why should they suffer and hear it over and over again.

tumblr has always been a place for me to just be myself, even on the dark days. people will thing im  too sensitive. well guess what, i am. and no, you telling me to just chill and stop being so negative and suddenly everything will be okay. the last thing i want to hear from people is to just suck it up and bear with it. well ive bear with this my whole life and its not going away anytime soon. 

i guess its just now tht im in that age where i hav to think about my future, what to do, hwo will i live my life and these stupid dark thoughts are bigger than ever. im an only child and my parents only have me so i cant fuck it up. im an only child and there will be no one to help me if my parents arent around anymore. next year im supposed to gradute from college and get a job and get married but im not even ready. i know im not supposed to make a big deal out of it, but there are days i just feel like giving up, be a bad kid and just leave and never come back.

Chanyeol: I put the hot in psychotic

Jongin: I put the D in Do Kyungsoo

Baekhyun:

Chanyeol:

EXO:

SM Ent:

Krystal:

Julius Caesar:

Kyungsoo's parents: