Veni. Vidi. Vici.

Pisces: bth loving mom and the person you want to kill, sends you funny pictures, organizes amazing trips, borrows you things and doesn't want them back

I've noticed a lot about myself lately. Between the decisions I've been making and the ones I have yet to make, I often question the person I am nowadays. It's crazy to look back and think to myself that the person I used to be is no longer the person I see today. People have came and went like the winds during season's changes, and only few remained. The most frustrating thought I've had lately is referring to my sexuality, and no I am not speaking of such as far as what gender I prefer. I am speaking along the lines of preferences during the act of such. I've come to the conclusion tonight that the I have been through so much emotional turmoil and pain, some of which I have yet to let pass, and I think that is the reason why I enjoy pain during sex. It's noticeable with my partners too where I am finding myself either implying it beforehand or internally waiting for it to occur during. Is that normal? I don't know what normal is anymore. I am a girl who wasn't allowed to have friends as a kid, maintained an imaginary one for years whom I talked to about everything, got engaged at 14 to a 19 year old, and has a thing for older men and now more than ever, being dismantled in bed. I find myself wanting this more and more every time I get to thinking about it. Am I searching for some type of escape while I am being *ed? I used to cut myself and I thought that it would give me the "opening" I wanted so all my pain and sadness would come out. Once I learned that it wasn't working, I guess I attached myself to something less bloody ( most of the time) and feels amazing either way. Plus, there is less guilt when I look at myself in the mirror. I love bruises mainly. The act of aggression while being penetrated is great too, but I love waking up the next day and the entire moment reflecting on my body. Even as a kid, I loved finding little scratches on my hands and knees and got secretly excited when I'd see bruising. I don't feel okay about the things that I like. I could sit here right now and type what I currently desire: for the person am *ing to press me up against his bedroom wall, wrap his hand around my neck, and look at me while he goes in deep but slow, all the while, watching my face change and feeling me release, eventually. I feel insane. I don't even know what's causing me to write this on a public blog site. But I needed to let this all out somewhere.... I feel like the guy am currently fornicating with wants to see and feel my pleasure before his, and cares about what I want. It appears as though he likes some of the things that I like, since he's handcuffed me once already and put in work to leave me marked and in pain the next day. But right now, I feel that it isn't enough. It's not like I want him to punch me in the face or suffocate me with pillows. I don't really know what I am missing honestly. I don't really want to tell someone that I like being choked and to pull my hair and bite me. I was brought up sooo conservatively and secluded from the outside world. I didn't know anything about anything. These feelings and thoughts honestly scare me. I don't understand where they all came from. And why I desire this so adamantly. I am afraid. I don't understand myself and the things I want. I am an introverted girl who is usually very shy about everything but right now, I don't know who I am anymore. ❤️

He is the only guy right now, honestly. My morals are to never lie about anything you have done, and if you do make sure you have good reason, and post it a reminder to be honest about it later. Am always honest. I cannot tell a lie, and even when I try I end up spilling it all in minutes anyway. I told him who I was with because I like him. I don’t want there to be any secrets between us. Guess this is my consequence for being so truthful, I’ll take it. I don’t regret it. Thoughts?

I used to be afraid to meet anyone. Even if I’d met them through friends or family, I was never really okay with the painful introduction of getting to know a person. I guess I don’t like humans, guess I don’t really even like myself. 

Am 4 feet, 11 inches. Average body. Decent face, I guess. I bounced around on medication for 18 months before they found one that worked well enough for me to have some personality whilst being emotionally controlled. I have exactly three best friends, exactly. I've gotten feedback on myself throughout the years and what comes up the most is that I’m mentally twisted and socially awkward. This post is probably pretty scattered and weird, but that’s just how my mind operates. What feedback have you received from people? What are your views on medications and diagnosis?