lil meow meow

I heard my father say my name for the first time six months ago, and mind you, he wasn't even talking to me or trying to call me. I overheard him over the phone when he called my maestro, and I happened to be next to him when he answered. To be honest, it doesn't matter how many times I think about it, it's not normal, it's not right. I'm pretty sure this is the main reason why I hate my name, he gave it to me and never used it, he never actually talks to me. I can't believe I'm gonna be 31 years old in 5 days and I still have daddy issues. How pathetic, uh? Another thing I'm struggling with lately is the idea of taking money from him (he implied he's gonna pay for the kiln), I feel sooo guilty about it. But if that's all I can get from him, because this is the only language he knows, I should not stress about it, right?

Oh and happy birthday to us 💜

Someone on twitter said 'years of no social interaction, stuck at home without living, have made me lose my communication skills. I can no longer explain things, speak, or express myself. used to be so good, so normal', and it resonated with me 'cause I've been ruminating about this exact topic for the past few months. I'm forgetting both Italian and English, I keep forgetting the meaning of words, sometimes I can't quite grasp the meaning of sentences. I've never been a talkative person, but I used to feel comfortable enough with writing, and now I can't even do that. I'm losing my sparkle, I am extremely aware of this, and I should be more sad and worried and devastated about it, but I feel numb all the fucking time. Bangtan, reading and watching bls are the only things that give me a flicker of joy, and I feel bad about it because they are mundane things. And I don't even know why, it doesn't make sense. We should celebrate all the things that make us happy, even the silly ones or the tiny ones, but my brain is telling me that this rule doesn't apply to me. And I also don't know what the fuck is wrong with me, why am I sooo bad at keeping in touch with people? I forget to reply, sometimes I can't find the bloody will to reply. After her, I shut down completely. I haven't get over it, I haven't allowed myself to feel, and mourn, and cry. I want to cry so bad.

Fourth Nattawat the actor you are.