up to no good

You’re only thinking of improving their social abilities, of course. James Potter, patron saint of the friendship bonds.

Thanks Moony, you're a hero. Just get her talking about something prefect-y, yeah? Schedules or the overrated-ness of fun or something. Of course I won't traumatise them! I'm a patron saint, remember?

You know, you make detention sound even worse than I thought. Pencil me in for half past never, how does that sound to you? It’s not the whole pack of them, just the elite few that have a hard time of pulling their heads out from between their legs. It’s not like anyone is going to be baking friendship pies for each other, so better to just put the speech out of sight, and out of mind.

Damn, were the candles too much? We could cut them out, if you'd prefer. Just you, me, and I can get Filch to hum some romantic music for us.

My idea of fun in no way will ever tie into the same definition as yours, anyways, I think the satisfaction of seeing you serve detention would be a tad bit more amusing. Unfortunately not everyone seemed to understand the situation, the Slytherin table was a little more occupied switching between yawning, or glaring at certain tables. It’s not normal Hogwarts, but it doesn’t mean there won’t be any fun, I don’t think it will be long before someone finds an excuse to throw a party.

Oh come on, the novelty of having me get detention must have worn off after the last five years. It's just part of my weekly routine now. Although, if you really want to see me serve detention, you're welcome to come along to the one I'll inevitably get by the end of the week. It could be quite romantic - just you, me, a few candles, and Filch.

Well, it is fairly easy if he’s referring to us being mates with the Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs, at least they’re not a nasty bunch. As much as I agree with everything you’ve just said, I’m not sure cooperation means expressing your desire to murder them instead, so I’d try to keep that out of general conversation.

Oh yeah, Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs, sure. But when Dumbledore said we needed to get past our differences, we all know he wasn't referring to Gryffindor's tense relationship with Hufflepuff. Murder? Oh no, I don't want to murder the slimy gits. They're the only ones interested in that sort of thing. Hexes, on the other hand, sound pretty tempting.

Oh, yes, unity by slime.

Exactly! Shared humiliation, running to the bathroom together to get it all washed off... they have to have a bit of a laugh about it! And BAM, tension broken. Another successful friendship started by James Potter.

As long as you don’t target the first years. Poor things have already had a rough night.

Wouldn’t dream of it. Although, if I were hypothetically to involve the first years, would that really be such a bad thing? After all, nothing eases the tension between firsties faster than being drenched in a bucket of slime together.

In turn, it’ll make it easier for me to give you detention, knowing that you’re the only one I shared that idea with. I’m sure Professor Dumbledore tried his best, but honestly the man is bound to run out of ways of making his welcome speeches cheerful. It’s not quite easy putting students that know they are unwelcome by a fraction of the students at ease.

Oh, I see how it is! You're happy to give me the idea, but you'll turn on me the moment I try to carry it out! Cold. It's not as if turning the firsties red would harm anyone, where's your sense of fun? I know, I know, it has to be hard to find something upbeat to say in times like these. And I'm glad Dumbledore actually addressed the issues instead of glazing over them like most adults seem to be trying to. But, all the same, it's hard not to miss the normal Hogwarts welcome.

I can’t even pretend to be surprised that you had a hand in this. You couldn’t just do just something that left their skin the Gryffindor house colours for a week or something? [Raises her brow.] I didn’t realize I had agreed to being your pen pal, Potter. I couldn’t be sure you hadn’t laced the ink you used with some silly love potion, so I just let my cat tear them to shreds.

Hey, now there’s an idea! I’ll try that next. Reckon it’ll brighten the place up to have some red and gold firsties wandering around. We need something to lighten the mood after that miserable opening feast.

Surprisingly enough, I agree with you.

Well this is just upsetting. Come on, there has to be something we can do to make this place feel more like normal. It’s never too early for a start of term prank, right?

Why not, exactly? Did you not hear Dumbledore? He’s encouraging interhouse cooperation and I’m not nearly drunk enough to deal with being friendly to Avery’s lot.

Oh no, don’t make me think about the interhouse cooperation talk. He makes it sound so easy, doesn’t he? Because Snivellus and I would be skipping around wearing matching friendship bracelets and braiding each other’s hair if we could just get past the minor difference that I don’t want about a quarter of the school’s population dead.

Maaarls, I can’t let you into my firewhisky stash on the first night! Give it a day of lessons, then we’ll all be ready for it.

It’s okay to be emotional, Prongs. Go on, let it all out.

Shut it, you. It's the firsties I'm concerned for. We could at least wait until the second night before we crush their dreams of magic school.

Wow, the Hat sure was very opmitistic tonight.

*snorts* Oh yeah, sure. Nearly as cheerful as Dumbledore. Damn, this whole opening feast seems to be trying to make us cry.

Is it so hard for people to refrain from teasing the first years, the poor things are scared out of their minds thinking they might get sucked into one of the portraits if they stare for too long.

Ah Evans, you can't question a Hogwarts tradition! We have to tease the firsties while we can, just as we got teased when we first arrived, and they'll tease next year's batch! It's a proud tradition that unites us all!