I feel so much stress beyond anything else. I lose things and I lie, I make excuses and I push away. I haven't cried in more than a month. I haven't bled in more than that. I want to hurt. I want to be in so much pain that I am screaming and sobbing and begging for death. I want to be stabbed and stabbed and stabbed again. I want everyone around me to hear and see just what I am. I hate myself. I hate to be alive, I hate to be breathing, I hate to feel and to breathe. I hate that I can't feel what I want to feel when I want to, I hate that I lack control. I hate that I am alone almost as much as I hate to be around people, I hate to be awake. Respite comes in sleep and drugs and bleeding, gaping holes in my body. Respite comes not in what company you provide, respite comes when I choose not to feel so much hate for you. Respite comes when you give me no reason to want to choose that hate.
I wish for someone to care enough to see me as I see myself, and for someone to breathe the air I've just breathed. I want to be dead and in death, I want not to feel what I feel now. I want to forget and to mourn without guilt and apology, I want to be accepted into a resting place where I will not be known.















