My need to have children one day, feels a lot like my old need for gender transition.
The only thing is that, itās socially acceptable for me to have children, itās not socially acceptable to be transgender.
Changing your name,, idk. It feels a lot like picking out baby names. New clothes like youāre setting up a nursery. The medical questioning, in if itās possible or safe. The changes in the body that you anticipate, and want to see. I want the changes of pregnancy some day, even if theyāre intense, even if theyāre harmful, the concept of being a parent is too important for me to care. But a less harmful medical treatment, gender affirming careā I canāt do it. Why can I produce life but not adapt into my own??
The feelings too similar, the social difference is so blunt.
Blah. What are you gonna do but accept the norm. I had to vigorously learn to not be transgender, daily affirmations and journaling and social shame, all that shit. So any acceptance I give myself requires just as much effort as Iāve put into repressing.
Plus the men in my family ruin a lot. My dad wants an obedient care-giving daughter. My brother needed a sister. My cousin was a freak. My brother was a freak. My sisters, Iād die for them, but they would never accept me. And, idk, I might have PTSD, Iām getting tested for it later. I canāt look at myself as a man without eventually getting immensely triggered
So I can change my body and life radically by having a child, but I canāt be a man. Right. Really canāt win.
Iāve been sat down by people smarter than me and explained why I medically, scientifically, socially, should never be transgender. As a teen, growing into a person, I was so comfortable being a boy. I was so comfortable being a boy. And then I had to stop it, I was pushed into life threatening situations, I was pushed into dynamics where my gender was determining the threat and their response. Iāve been more easy to abuse, Iāve been forgiving to violent men.
My lived experience of femininity is of fear, forgiveness, roles, expectations. Itās been a social category Iāve had to actively accept for my own wellbeing, safety, and goals. I canāt be a man if my dad yells at me about dishes after he did something beyond forgiving. I canāt be a man if I have to clean my brothers home and craft him dinner. I canāt be a man, no one will ever view as it, I have no option, I have no drive, Iāve had it fought out of me, Iāve had it worked out of me
I donāt want to be a boy and I wish I still did. Itās like if I lost the drive for motherhood, itās like if I learned at a young age that I couldnāt have kids. Being a boy was like wanting a child, and I feel inadequate as fuck that thereās no turning back.
No matter what I do masculinity will have this unappealing additive, like someone baked a cake with salt instead of sugar and so you think you really hate cakeā- itāll never be that innocent thing it used to be to me. Boyhood was so, fun. Being transgender is so fun and freeing and kind.
I grieve it, Iām grieving what I could be, not being transgender is an acceptance to the death of my masculinity. Denial denial denial denial. I canāt be angry, I canāt be upset, if Iām not transgender then it ends there, I canāt be, I canāt be so it doesnāt matter if I want to be
I want to give my children my chosen names and live vicariously through them. Surely it must be important to me, then. Surely if my most important goal in life (having kids) is THAT compatible with me being transgender- then fuck. Being transgender must be important to me too
Denial denial denial Iām like a broken record, reassessing my gender every few months, giving up out of fear, and then restarting it all over. Every year I realize Iām transgender, then I also end up falling back into being cisgender. Acceptance acceptance acceptance. A part of me has been killed and my heart is beating outside of my chest. Iāll forever deny this. Iāll forever forget it.
6 years ago I came out to my family as transgender. Iāve been non-practicing for 6 fucking years, being told Iām not trans and why Iām not in detail. Denial denial denial. Explain it out of me. Iām not what I canāt be and what I canāt be is a guy.
Denial denial denial. The moment I get it I wonāt want it. Being a boy wonāt save me from the trap of being a woman. I hate gender. I hate gender.
