porchlightfairy

Your hands find his curls and tangle into the locks of his hair. He pulls away to look up at you and you see his face in the darkness of your room. His lazy, lustful eyes look up at you hungry for your lips as they gaze upon them. His tongue drags along his upper lip before his teeth come down to bite on the bottom. Your hands move down to the sides of his face as you kiss him. He moans into your mouth as your lips collide against one another.

You feel the knot inside you twist as he thrusts inside you. Your breath quickens as you grow closer. You lace your hands with his as your moans get higher.

"Jack!"

You startle awake as you hear your alarm blaring. You stare into the darkness ahead, reeling from the dream you just had. Your throat feels used like you actually said his name. You were feeling flushed as you think about what just happened.

You turn off your alarm and check the time. You had slept through your alarm for the past ten minutes. You rub the sleep from your eyes and get out of bed to take a cold shower.

You spend the entire day of work trying not to think about the sex dream you had. Whenever you were by yourself the flashes of his hands on your body enter your mind. You'd squeeze your eyes shut and try to repress the memory again.

There was no doubt that it was Abbot in the dream. It was him, as he was now. Not when he was younger like in med school, or even when you saw him last ten years ago. It was him older, grayer… sexier. You grumble at the thought.

He is not sexy. He is irritating. He tries to placate your feelings about what he did. It was more to make himself feel better than make you feel better. He didn't actually care because if he did, he would simply leave you alone.

You have been good at staying cordial at work. After the bar situation, you pretended like it didn't happen. You were quick to stay away from traumas with him. However, with this new sex dream, you were completely ignoring him today until it was absolutely necessary to talk to him.

"MVA, 5 minutes out." Abbot comes walking out into the rain. You were on your smoke break but he didn't see a cigarette in your hands.

You don't turn to face him. You stand near the edge of the awning as the rain drips off the roof creating a shield of water from the rest of the elements. You had your hands folded, tucked into your pits, as you shivered in the cold. Although it was August, the clouds and the rain made the temperature drop dramatically.

"Did you hear me?" He walks over and holds out a pair of gloves to you. You take them, still not looking at him. You spit your gum into the bushes and put on the gloves. They were the right size. This was a hard fight you were facing.

The trauma was manageable, you try to stay out of Abbot's way as he directs the night team. You put a chest tube in to reinflate a collapsed lung. He is beside you watching, he whispers, "Good job." You try to remain calm as his whisper reminds you of the dream. A shudder is sent down your spine as you felt his breath on your skin.

Once the patient is stable, you dump your PPE in the trash and walk back out to the hub. Abbot walks behind you, "Good work in there."

"Save the praise for the students who need it. Lord knows, I don't." You are about to go grab your things from your locker when a resident calls your name. Whitaker, still here, asks to present before leaving. It's his final patient for the night. You go through their history together as you walk to the room with him.

Abbot watches you go with a small grimace on his face. "She really doesn't like you." Dana mutters, "What did you do?"

"We were friends once." He confesses, surprised you still hadn't mentioned that to anyone else. It's been a month since you've first arrived.

"I gathered that. You keep trying to talk to her."

"I— we drifted apart." He clears his throat.

"Uh huh." Dana and Lena exchange a look.

"What was that?" He furrows his brows.

"Nothing." Lena shrugs.

"That was something. What was it?" He crosses his arms.

"We just had a hunch." Dana waves him away, "The return of a spiteful ex, maybe."

"Exes?" He scoffs, "We never dated."

"I see that now. Like you said, just friends."

"We just thought you may have hurt her feelings, like a break up." Lena explains.

"I mean, it kinda was…" He mumbles. "I wasn't a good friend after Laura passed."

"That's not your fault." Lena sympathizes.

From where they stood, sure, it wasn't. From where he stood, it absolutely was. It was easier to ignore you than it was to keep you around. He let's out a resigning sigh, "I just want to make things right."

As he says that, you return to the hub. You smile at the two charge nurses and look at Abbot. He purses his lips and motions to the ambulance bay doors with his head. You hang your head exasperated before going outside with him.

"Look, I know that you don't want to talk to me but please listen. For the past week, you have been dodging me worse than before. And today, especially, has been the worst of it. I want us to be on equal footing here." He looks out to the wall of rain then back at you.

You stand with your body, profile, facing the rain and not him. You purse your lips and shrug, "Is that it?"

"Is that it?!" He scoffs, "I'm just tired of the mixed signals. One second, we are okay. After the bar, at your house, we seemed to be making progress. I want to do this right. I want us to be friends again. It tears me up inside knowing I hurt you."

"There it is!" You clap your hands together startling him, "You want to make amends because you feel bad. You think I'm fucked up because of what you did. You give yourself too much credit."

You turn to face him with angry tears welling up in your eyes, "I hate you. I hate that you aren't as fucked up as I am. I hate that you have friends. I hate that you are still gentle and kind. I hate that you felt like you couldn't talk to me anymore. I hate that I made you feel like you had to shut me out."

Tears stream down your face, burning hot on your cold cheeks. Abbot looks at you, startled by your outburst. You try to wipe you face quickly but you are overwhelmed by your own emotions. "I don't know what I did, Jack, but it eats me alive thinking I wronged you, or maybe Laura, in some way." You sob.

Slowly, Jack approaches you. He grabs your shoulders and pulls you into a hug. In one ear, he hears your crying and in the other, the summer rain. He couldn't keep his distance from you anymore. It wouldn't go any further but he couldn't bear to watch you suffer alone anymore.

"Let's start over. We don't have to go back to the way things were but I don't want to just forget what we had before." He rubs your back.

You pull away looking to the floor, "I don't know if I can do that."

"Please," He pleads, "I want to do right by you. I… I made a mistake. I ruined our friendship because I hated the reminder."

"You're the one who moved to her hometown!" You interject.

"But you were there! You were there until the bitter end!" He lets out a shaky breath, "I see your face and I remember how sick she was in San Francisco."

"She got better." You sniffle.

"Yeah, then she got worse." He laughs out a sob. He's crying now too, "It was the last time she seemed happy. And that was when she was with you."

You look out to the alley as tears continue to fall. Puddles ripple at your feet as water begins to pool by the awning. "Are you done?"

"What?"

"Are you done guilt-tripping me?" You sigh.

"It wasn't my intention. I just don't want us to keep going like this." He rakes his hand through his wet hair, "You avoiding me—"

"I'm not avoiding you." You scoff.

"Oh yeah? What was earlier this shift? My imagination?"

"Well, it wasn't on purpose." You defend.

"Then why? Because of the other night?"

"No! It's because…" The dream flashes in your mind, "It's because it doesn't matter that's why." You throw your hands up in surrender, "You know what, fine. You want to be friends? We can be friends again. Whatever it takes to drop this conversation, once and for all. I have to go."

You stomp inside and Abbot follows after you a little confused. "You're acting weird right now."

"And you're acting childish right now." You warn. He smiles knowingly but before either can continue your now playful spat, a familiar voice calls from the nurse's station.

"Jack?" It's Laura's best friend, Laurelai, standing at the desk. Her smile fades when she sees you.

You tolerated Laurelai but she wasn't your friend. Her and Laura had a special bond. She made that very clear when you had first met her. They had similar names, came from the same home town, and somehow ended up rooming together their first year of college. It was borderline symbiotic after that. It surprised you she didn't include herself on the trips to San Francisco.

She was tall and thin. She was like a super model. She had long black hair which you could tell from where you were standing needed a touch up at the roots. Jack walks over and hugs her, "What are you doing here?"

"My dad was brought in by his nursing home. I came to check on him. We're still waiting on a bed upstairs." She glances at you again and moves to the other side of Jack so you're out of view, "What is she doing here?"

"She works here." He smiles, "We needed some extra hands. Crazy coincidence right?"

"Really? Yeah, color me surprised. Should I report this to Laura?" She jokes.

She had known about the list. She found it when they were packing the house in Buffalo. She thought it was silly but she vowed to uphold the promise on Laura's behalf.

"There's no need. She hates me right now. We barely talk." He looks in the place you once stood and wilts when he sees you now missing.

"Cut yourself some slack. You were grieving." She rubs his shoulder, "I've gotta go. It was nice seeing you."

"Let me walk you to the door. I'll also keep an eye on your dad for you until he gets a bed upstairs." They walk side by side. Lena narrows her eyes, having listened in to the conversation.

You get caught at the door by a nurse and sign off on a few discharges. You and the other two find yourselves at the door at the same time. You smile awkwardly and she returns it. "Having fun in PGH?"

"Uh, yeah. Even with the humidity." You chuckle. You stop smiling when you see Abbot beside her.

"I'll see you later, Jack." She turns to him and hug as the doors open.

"Mhm." He looks at you, "We didn't finish our conversation."

"Didn't we?" You walk through the door.

Laurelai follows after you, "Hey, you should ease up on Jack. He did lose his wife."

"You don't think I know that?" You frown at the blatant disrespect in her tone, "It's not like you would know. He didn't cut you out of his life after she died. If anything you two seem a lot closer—"

"It's not like that." She scoffs.

"I didn't say it was." You shrug, " All I'm saying is, I don't think you quite understand how I feel about the whole thing. I lost my friend and everyone decided they didn't need to talk to me anymore when she died. So, I would prefer if you didn't approach me with such disrespect because you never liked me."

The two of you stand outside of the ER. "I mean, I get it. I'm sorry I couldn't do more to save her like the first time. I hate myself for it too. So, have a good night Laurelai." You leave her at the door of the ER and head into the rain towards your car. You feel your misery bearing down on your shoulders. You couldn't spend every day like this for another month. You think about Laura and what she would do.

First thing she would do, was probably forgive you. Then make you forgive Jack. And make Jack forgive you. And then you would all go out to eat to feel better. You let out a weary sigh and kick a pebble into the street. You hated the Laura in your head and how right she was all the time.

You check your weather app to see when the storm will pass.

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And it hadn't been a peck or even just a few seconds where you immediately realized your mistake. No, you had pushed him up against a wall and kissed him with seemingly every ounce of desire you possessed. You left no room for misinterpretation.

Admittedly, while drunk, you'd been overly physically affectionate for what felt like hours. Running fingers over his, squeezing his arm as you passed, lingering, longing gazes.

There had always been a playfulness between you. You'd been working in the Pitt for nearly a decade and so there was a familiarity. You would ocassionally flirt and he would flirt back. But it had always been harmless. It had never crossed the line.

But as you were outside getting some air, he'd followed you out. Leaned down and whispered in your ear, "I'm tired of pretending that I don't want you."

And something inside you snapped. You were also sick of pretending you didn't want him, didn't think about him when you were alone. You pressed your hands firmly against his chest until his back hit the wall and kissed him fervently. For a moment or two, he seemed in shock, and then he was kissing you back, both of his hands reaching up to cradle your face.

It was the best kiss you'd had in years. You couldn't kiss him deeply enough to satisfy your want and when you licked into his mouth, tongue stroking against his, the sound and feel of him moaning into your mouth had you feeling completely feral.

Then, just as quickly, rational thought reappeared in your brain. It seemed to politely tap you on the shoulder and say, Hello Ms. Girl, remember when you said you were done with fuckboys? Why are you making out with the attending most well known for sleeping around?

And it felt like a bucket of ice cold water was dumped over your head, "Oh—Fuck me—" You pushed yourself off him, "I—I have to go."

Stunned, he watched you go for a second, then laughed and trailed after you, "Excuse me?"

You couldn't meet his eye, "I said, I have to go. I'll miss my bus."

"I'll take you home."

"I don't get in the car with people who've been drinking."

"Then I'll call us both an Uber."

Finally, you laughed, "I am not going home with you, Robby."

Then his hand was around your wrist and he tugged until you spun back to him. Not forcefully enough to hurt, but enough that you stumbled back into his chest. Enough that your breath comingled with his, his exhales forced directly into your open mouth. The taste of him, the smell of him nearly made your knees buckle. It had been a long time since you'd felt that somersault in your stomach at someone's closeness.

"Don't kiss me like that and pretend it means nothing." The yearning dripped off his words like morning dew, landed sweetly on your tongue.

You swallowed and then your eyes pulled up from his mouth to his brown eyes, begging you to drown in their pools of honey.

But you were not a fly. You would not be so easily ensnared. You straightened your spine and pulled away from him again, "Goodnight, Robby." You tossed over your shoulder before marching away from him.

"This isn't over!" He called after you, "If you think I'll forget about this, I won't! We'll circle back on Monday!"

You couldn't help the smirk that twisted your mouth upwards. Despite your reservations, the possibility of being pursued by Michael Robinavitch thrilled you.