✨

regret is a fickle thing when self-preservation kicks in to save you.

shutting the door behind you felt like something ending and a new one coming in effect. you squeezed your eyes shut, trying to drown out the thumping in your chest when you saw him there, heart on his sleeve. but it felt entirely different.

this time he seemed, defeated.

but honestly so were you.

intimacy is give and take where the subtle parts of you became louder and everything was laid out on the table. he made it feel like every piece in front of him was cherished. for some reason you didn’t think about it as vulnerability because it was just open connection that bordered on devotion. laying with him felt like that. touching the soft parts of his skin, sinking into the rough patches that were his scars, they molded against your fingers in a way you’d never thought possible.

it wasn’t about intimacy anymore or him.

this was about you.

to touch the very thing that you desire and hold it in tight in your palm, nurture it like the most sacred thing to exist. to have the very thing that could kill you and give you a reason to live in your grips but choose to let it go again, that might be teasing temptation though it is also self-preservation.

as the dull thuds of his shoes disappeared past your door, you found yourself unlatching the chain once again. as you expected, those roses sat there, upright and perky despite the circumstances of its abandon. along with the maroon hoodie still folded neatly.

despite yourself and the nagging in your mind that told you to let it wilt like you’d done before, you brought it inside. nurtured the pretty flowers with lukewarm water and glass case that matches its petals then set it on the dinner table like its home was meant there since it was planted.

“see you guys in a week and have a wonderful reading week!”

the class was dismissed and you were ready to leave all intellectual thought to sift over on a later date. you're still sitting next to your assigned partner, and were doing a good job at ignoring his presence until he decides that he doesn't like the silence. roy turns his head from next to you and smiles toothy and annoying, though in these last couple weeks, you kinda grew to like him a little better. even though the circumstances of how you'd met was more than just shitty.

“you going home for reading week?” he asks while he shuts his laptop, pulling his jansport from the chair beside him to tuck it inside.

with a quick nod, you do the same. “what about you harper?”

“well,” he starts, “i’m staying on campus to force myself to get shit done. with the rest of the guys gone, i’ll actually focus and y’know lock in.”

“right," you say unconvinced, "everyone’s going home but you?”

“yeah. dick's going to his dads house and hal invited the rest of the guys to his cottage.”

you snort to yourself, “so you’ve been invited to the cottage?”

he furrows his brows, “what’s so funny about that?”

you shake your head and sling your bag over your shoulder, “oh nothing. nothing at all.”

walking down he step of the lecture hall and out the door while roy continues to tell you about how difficult this professor marks. how he wants to take an extra year to study physics instead of law. how he only chose this degree cause his friend was taking it but being extra careful not to mention the name of the friend even though you both knew who he meant.

by the time you’re at the door, you turn to him to speak for the first time since you’d left the lecture hall.

“roy,” and he blinks at you, stopping mid bite of a protein bar you didn’t even see him pull out. you sigh, “the project. i’m done the research and i already did the portion on legal precedent. just finish the comparative analysis we did together so we can submit it.”

for a moment he stares like what you’d said was in another language. then he groans as dramatic as ever.

“it’s reading week, why the hell do you want me to do work?”

you blink right back, “you just said you’re staying on campus to do work, did you not?”

pondering on his own words, he drones, “yeah, but like everyone says that.”

mentally you’re face palming but you just shake your head at him, “whatever just don’t leave the rest of it for me to do cause i have no problem telling the prof you did nothing and giving you a shitty peer review once i submit this.” turning your heel to walk away when you hear him mumble.

“wow,” he muttering while he chews, “snitch.”

craning your head to him, you give him a look that made him recoil.

“okay. okay. i was kidding i’ll do it. chill,” with his hands slightly raised, “you are just like him, holy shit.”

ignoring his comment, you walk out the door and outside.

greeted by the cold nipping at your nose, you make your way down the campus trail, letting the air touch and caress you for what felt like was gonna be the last time. mostly because this was the last couple of weeks you had in this familiar space and you hate to admit it but, you're gonna miss it.

so you choose to head down nostalgia road and take a detour to where you'd always hang out when shit was clouding your mind. plus, the campus was nearly empty and going now felt like the best time.

cassandra’s already left to go on a trip with some girls in her computer science program, having invited you but you’d denied. most of your friends had already let campus to go to their parents house or something. everyone but you. you didn’t wanna go anywhere, let alone have to socialize right now. you were so exhausted by school that you wanting this week to genuinely sleep and catch up on bad tv shows.

branches crack under your boots while you stride through the trail and down towards the bridge you always sat at in first year. usually with a coffee and a good book, but today it was just for reminiscing. you wanted to come here before you graduate in less than two months just to feel what it was like. while you wait for the uncertainty of what the future holds for you beyond this degree you still weren’t sure of and the acceptance or denials from the schools you been dreading receiving for as long as you could remember. tho was it, this was the home stretch before you finished being in this trial period of your life and had to get serious. no longer working on campus but having to get a real job that needs your bachelors degree to just barely suffice.

for some reason, getting serious seemed like something you could achieve now, not when your mind swirled with thoughts about love that you never thought you cared for. love and intimacy, it wasn’t that important to you a couple months ago. sure, getting married, having a boyfriend, being inlove, it was a nice thought. it is a nice thought. who wants to really be alone?

cassandra used to scold you for coming out here alone, but you really didn’t care. you needed this.

you're also wearing a baggy hoodie, hiding your hair inside as if youre a guy cause you knew staticially, you're less likely to be bothered as a man. at least as to the unsuspected eye.

you needed space and time to think before you had to be a person again.

that boy, that stupid boy with his perfect face and his brilliant mind, he’d ruined you. he really did do a number on you that you thought you’d escaped in highschool.

so maybe you weren’t as grownup as you thought you were.

just as you approach the dimly lit concrete, you get a call from grayson and answer it almost immediately.

“hey,” he starts, “where you at?”

with a soft thump, you sit on the rock, “out, where are you?”

something on the other line seem to crinkle like a bag of chips or plastic, “i’m at the frat house but i’m gonna head to bruce’s tonight.”

you sigh softly. you really were gonna be alone all week.

“oh, okay,” trying and failing to hide the disappointment in your voice.

grayson says your name softly, “calling cause i want you to come with me. it’ll be nice. no school talk, no frat guys if you don’t count me and we can have that pasta alfred makes real good.”

the mention of pasta and alfred makes you blink hard. the distant memory of jason feeding you sauce from an old pot in your apartment. his soft lips brushing against yours and his breath in your skin like a warm embrace. smooth voice telling you; it’s alfred’s recipe.

“i, uh, can’t." you blink to rid the thought, "i have to do some stuff for gordon’s study before we get back.”

grayson groans loud on the other line, “you’re actually so boring dude. take a break from that shit and come with me. i’ll let you pick the music for the road, shotgun doesn’t have to shut their pie hole,” he says singsongy like that’ll convince you.

you stiffle a soft laugh, “nah dude really, i’m gonna be so behind if i don’t work on it for him with all my midterms when we get back—”

he cuts you off.

“yeah yeah, sure, fine. you can do that shit there too and i’ll leave you alone to do it but you’re not staying on campus alone.”

“gray,” you start to protest but he’s faster again.

“pick you up at 9. bring those fruit gummies from your pantry.”

“i just said that i’m not—”

“9 o’clock!” abruptly hanging up on you.

you sigh dramatically and check the time before shove your phone into your pocket. mocking his voice to yourself as you stretch your legs. it’s 7:15 now, so you got time to go pack a bag and meet with grayson. but you also had time to bask in this quiet a little longer.

feel the soft air while the rest of the world went silent for you and your thoughts stilled, just long enough to feel like you're old self again.

“took you long enough,” grayson says as you open the passenger door.

duffle bag at your side as you step inside and close the door behind you. pulling at your hoodie sleeves as you settle in your seat and grab the seatbelt to wrap around you.

“you said 9, it’s literally 9:05.” pulling your bag into your lap.

grayson shrugs, “those five minutes could’ve had us on the highway. the three of us got a long ways to go y’know.” glancing briefly at your bag, “put that in the back.”

you furrow your brows, stomach dropping slightly, “the three of us?”

as you turn you see him.

just barely pushing your bag behind you and towards the backseat, there he was. jason todd. tragically beautiful under the dark lights and passing street lamps. he gives you a soft, unsure smile as he takes your bag from you, fingers briefly touching as he grazes them.

“hi.”

you take a moment to remember how to breathe, and let him accept the bag from you, “hi.”

grayson makes a small sound, “sorry, don’t be mad at him,” sighing as he pulls off and onto the main road, “i didn’t want him to stay on campus alone either.”

you shake your head, taking a little too long looking and admiring jason before turning back into your seat. “it’s okay, i don’t mind.”

unable to see the growing smile on jason’s face and the blush creeping up his neck, grayson looks at him through his rear view mirror. then he nods at you and hands you his phone that was connected to the car speakers while you try not to feel jason’s gaze on the back of your head. grayson turns up the music from whatever jason has been playing before when you read the screen—mayonnaise by the smashing pumpkins. you knew this wasn’t grayson’s music taste, it was jason’s. turning slightly to look out the window, you looked up to the few stars that rose in the sky amidst the light pollution.

“play whatever you want til we get there.”

since you were last at the wayne manor, bruce had bought a new property with an even more impressive view to gape at. as grayson parks the car and starts to file out, you’re still dumbfounded at the mansion that looked larger than your entire apartment complex.

grayson shows you the guest room that would be yours for the week, though it really looked like a master bedroom. seperate bathroom, walk in closet, and a king sized bed with so many pillows that you though you might drown between them. you'd gone and changed while jason and grayson also went to change and put their stuff away. the three of you waiting until bruce got here from his business trip to spend some time with the boys before he left again. now you're in your sweatsuit, laptop left to charge on the bedside table for when you came back to work on the things you were anxious about.

you pad over to the bathroom, looking at all the products set there that you didnt purchase. assortments of body washes and feminine products that you knew someone bought with the only knowledge that a woman would be staying here. vaguely dragging your finger over the tops of the bottle when there a soft knock on your door.

"made something to eat if you're interested," grayson says, "come eat."

your stomach rumbles at the mention of it. now that you came to think of it, you couldn’t remember when you last ate, probably last in the morning before class. all those classes and cups of coffee, shit, you forgot to eat something else since then.

"coming," you say as you walk over to open the door.

the aromas hit you as soon as the doors open, wafting up the stairs and into your nostrils. it smelt absolutely delectable and your insides twisted at it.

"richard grayson, since when can you cook?" you sigh as you both start down the steps.

he tilts his head at you, feet thumping beside you, "what do you mean? i didn't cook it."

the implication was enough to know who did. even before you enter the kitchen and see him already plating his food. his hair was wet and slicked back, fresh from his shower. the muscles in his back that you’d always admired, moved in tandem with his movements, sifting the food around and mixing the salad in the bowl. when he turns around, bowl in hand, his eyes immediately meet yours.

“hey,”

“hi,” you blink, trying not to think too much about how his skin glistened under the pot lights.

the way this felt too familiar. the scene you’d replayed in your mind a million times since that day. since you found out about how he’s been lying to you. why was is all melting away and chipping at your walls at the same time?

grayson shuffles in behind you, peeking right over your shoulder, “oh my god, you made the sauce.”

jason smiles wide at his brother, “course i made the sauce. what would it be without it?”

without even acknowledging what he’d said, grayson moves to grab cups and an old bottle of wine. something you were sure was far too aged and expensive for you to ever afford. jason quirks a brow at him as he sets his salad on the table. and even that looked good. you follow after jason, grabbing the plates and setting them on the table. while he crumbles feta cheese on top and just barely gets a second to thank you.

jason moves to pull out your chair. you quickly stop him, pulling it out for yourself while he gives you a tight uncertain smile.

his hands already moving to grab your plate and put food on it for you, though you could’ve done it yourself. you smile up at him, sweet and polite because you’re not about to show him that his proximity is getting to you.

“here you go,” he places the plate in front of you with a handsome smile that was uniquely him. returning the same but somehow enough for him to see it for what it was, jason’s smile falters a little.

“thanks jason.” you say as your smile barely reaches your eyes.

though he saw it already. he saw the way you looked at him like he was just, anyone else. the way you had given a smile that you’d give to a passerby on the street, or a waiter in a restaurant. maybe he was reading too much into it, but you just being so polite like he hadn’t hurt you. civil as though maturity was the only way through this. kind like he wasn’t inside of you a week ago when you broke down in his room.

this wasn’t what he expected for this week. sure, he knew this wasn’t going to be easy but he dint think you’d just take it like a champ. you were just being the smart one in this, the mature one. but somehow that made his stomach twist more.

a part of him wanted a fight to prove this for exactly what he wanted it to be—love.

grayson starts talking about plans for the night. watching a horror movie he found prerecorded on bruce’s bluray. he’s already pouring out more of the wine even though he admits he got it from the cellar. bruce won’t mind, he laughs as he pours you your second glass.

the food was delicious as you expected. seasoned to genuine perfection. though something tight in your stomach, something hard and teetering, it kept you from eating more. you started picking at your food while grayson carried the conversation with jason.

“you could’ve warned me that zatanna knew kori,” jason sighs, “how am i to keep track of what you do with your frat brothers, dickhead?”

grayson flails his arms around, “what do you mean? kori is the one i dated for two years! if there’s anyone i wanna look good for, it’s her.”

“don’t do dumb shit and she won’t be mad,” jason shrugs. though grayson squints at him.

“name one of my parties i haven’t been completely hammered at? being president comes with costs so i’d like to think my brother would keep me from doing dumb shit”

jason snickers but his eyes keep moving to watch you, falling on your fingers moving on the plate to push the food around. taking a long sip of wine, and swirling the liquid. watching it slosh around while their conversation sizzles out again. grayson notices his brothers gaze and smirks to himself. he gets a call and clears his throat.

“its bruce, i gotta take this,” putting his phone to his ear and getting up.

as soon as he’s gone, jason’s presence felt like it could drown you whole. you’re trying not to look up at him, taking another long sip of wine while jason’s awkwardly looks at his plate. taking slow bites and dragging the fork from his mouth. your eyes trailed upwards, to his mouth as he chewed. to how his jaw clenched and unclenched. for a moment, you catch his eye, and he says your name softly.

“did you like it?”

caught off guard by his question, you hum, “what?”

“the food, did you like it?”

“oh,” you look at your plate then his face, “yes. it was really nice. thank you jason.”

he nods, lips parting like he’s gonna say something before he stops himself.

“i remembered you don’t like tomatoes so i don’t add any in it,” the sweetest nervous look on his face as he scratches his head, “the recipe still needs some but i didn’t wanna make it too tomatoey.”

watching a blush creep up his face, you smile again, “it’s great, really jason.”

“jay,” he corrects, “you used to call me jay.”

you frown a little, “jay?”

“before i fucked up,” he sighs, “it was jay. it feels weird when you call me jason.”

“you want me to call you that?” letting the fork fall onto your plate, jason nods.

“if that’s okay with you.”

nodding back at him, you agree, “sure, jay.”

the moment stills. both of you looking at the other while time slows. the lighting in the dining room highlighted every crevice of his face. every feature of his jaw and his nose, of his thick eyebrows that he let you clean up once. laying his head in your lap while he made small dramatic winces when you pulled the hair between his brows.

your hand sat on the table, while his was only inches away. he drops his eyes to your hand, watching your nails gather some of the tablecloth and drop it again. fingers twitching toward yours as his perfect lips part.

“i know saying it doesn’t fix anything,” gulping his nerves and looking back up at you, “but i regret what i did. i regret letting anyone have a say in how i move with you of all people.”

“jay—”

“just let me get it out before the rest of this week is just us avoiding eachother.” when you nod he goes on, “i don’t even talk to roy anymore. it’s not his fault, it’s completely mine for that shit getting to me but i distanced myself from him. and i’ve really thought about it. how naive i am for thinking anyone could just have you if i didn’t when you’re the smartest, most beautiful woman i’ve ever been graced to see.”

you stifle a laugh, “flattery gets you nowhere jay.”

“i don’t need to go anywhere as long as these words don’t fall on empty ears my love.”

a soft gasp escapes you at his words. but jason goes on, speaking directly from his heart. you knew why this was, you could see how he was falling into his self-depreciating ways that you’d seen those last couple of weeks.

“i’m so sorry. i’m an idiot, hardly a man for hurting the woman that i’ve—”

you cut him off by taking his hand in yours just to stop him from spiralling.

“it’s okay jason. i have forgotten about it. stop beating yourself up.”

saying his name again and taking his hand, it was to comfort him, he knew this. his eyes fall to his hand in yours and he lets out a harsh breath. he’s about to say something else, about to tell you that he doesn’t deserve kindness right now, not when he needs you to know. but grayson walks back in, whistling while he texts and you snatch your hand from his. he can see the shift in energy as he takes his seat, eyes directly staring at yours.

“you alright?”

trying not to notice how hard jason has been staring at you, you smile, “yeah, just tired.”

he sighs and nods in agreement, “i get it.”

behind his cup jason’s eyes remained glued to your face. grayson smiles as he keeps talking.

“looks like bruce isn’t coming after all.” shoving his phone back into his pocket.

“he’s not?” you ask.

graysons already starting to dig back in, “some business thing. he said he’s sorry but he’ll try to catch us next time.”

from beside you, jason scoffs while he mumbles something incoherent under his breath. your social cues tell you there’s tension but you don’t question it. instead you pick at your food.

“i guess it’s just us huh?”

grayson nods, “yup, and we can do whatever since bruce isn’t coming.”

“you can actually relax and turn your brain off hmm?” jason says looking at you as he smiles delicately.

“that’s what this week is for right? we’re gonna relax and watch shitty movies and drink expensive liquor that bruce won’t open up himself.” grayson adds.

the thought was nice, but still you needed some space from him. after all, you didn’t know he was joining on the trip with gray. grayson practically blindsided you to get you to come along.

at least for one night you wanted to be alone, and figure out what the hell was going on in your mind.

“actually,” you pushed up from your chair, “i think i’m gonna head to bed. i’ll just ruin your fun if i stay awake this exhausted.”

“you don’t have to go,” jason tries.

“yeah,” grayson starts, “we’re just gonna drink and watch a shitty movie.”

but you’re shaking your head, “nah, i’m tired. i’ve had class since 9am and i think the drive wore me out. i’ll be more fun tomorrow if i actually get some shut eye.”

without further protest, because grayson knew what you wouldn’t say, he nods, “okay. sure, but you better be awake for breakfast.”

you smile and agree, grabbing your plate as you stand. but jason stops you, “i got it.”

for some reason the smile you give him, the same as before just tight and friendly. jason feels his stomach churn and he takes a gulp as he watches you walk away and retreat back up the steps.

he knows he fucked up. the whole reason why you’re both being overly civil with eachother is his fault. the entire reason why he’s struggling to find his footing back into your life is because everything the both of you do is just quiet. uncertain.

that night has been replaying in his mind since he woke up the following morning. on the way to your apartment he kept racking his brain, reminding himself of the sounds you made. the little whimpers and moans he’s hired to memory. it’s like everything he’s ever wanted and it keeps slipping though his fingers. now he’s got the perfect chance to try and right his wrongs but he can’t. you’re not even showing any emotions you’re just hiding behind that smile that he doesn’t recognize.

he sighs as he puts your plate over his empty one and pivots to grab grayson’s when he catches him staring.

“what?” jason deadpans.

grayson shrugs, his head in his hands, “you fucked up is what. now you’re ruining it again.”

he sighs, grabbing graysons plate with more force than necessary. annoyed by his older brothers comment, “what the hell am i supposed to do?”

“i dunno maybe talk to her? like a normal person?” pouring the rest of the wine into his cup, “you’re staring longingly like an idiot when you could go up to her room and ask if she wants something before she goes to bed.”

“she clearly doesn’t wanna see me,” jason mumbles.

“yeah, cause you’re an idiot. she wants you to work for her, not make fuckass bets. you really don’t know women besides those books you read huh?“

thinking on his words, jason sighs and puts the plates in the dishwasher. though his brothers words simmer, and he can’t shake the feeling that you were holding back as he rinses out the plates and puts them on the rack.

hours pass, doomscrolling and simultaneously responding to cassandra’s frantic messages about how annoyed everyone is making her.

the house has been silent for a while too, making you assume that everyone had gone to sleep. graysons loud laughter dispersed and their conversation seemed to die down. you’d been watching videos for an hour in the quiet.

but a distant thump, followed by shuffling footsteps, told you someone was awake. by the time you go get ready for bed, the sounds disappear. with your teeth brushed, face washed and moisturized. you’re already settled in bed when there’s gentle knocking on your door.

that gentle voice, you’d know it anywhere.

you clear your throat, sitting up and smoothing out your baggy t-shirt.

setting your phone on the table, you stand with a soft sigh and move to your door where the knock continued. softer, almost barely there. a soft thud on the other side like weight had settled on the wood when you got closer. slowly, you turn the knob and open the door. the door swings open and he almost falls inside, catching himself on the doorframe.

something expensive and tangy wafts off of him as you blink up at him.

“hey there,” jason smiles, elongating the two words like a long breathless sentence.

just enough for you to see the tug on his sweater and the gentle toss of his hair. smile toothy in a way you hadn’t see from him before.

jason doesn’t drink. his indulgence of choice is marijuana. or at least, he told you he wasn’t really interested in it and you didn’t see him doing it outside of social events. tonight, the three of your spilt a bottle of wine, not whatever is sweet and tart on his swollen lips.

he shuffles into your room, a small tray with a few things on it—advil, tylenol, chocolate, green tea, a warm washcloth, and midol. you look at him a little wide eyed as he approaches your bed.

“i uh, thought you might need something since you weren’t feeling so well,” he sets the tray on your bedside table, “so…” cheeks pinkening in the way you loved so dearly.

eyeing the contents he brought, you mumble a soft, genuine, “thanks. you really didn’t have to, i’m okay.”

“i know, i just thought maybe you didn’t feel comfortable talking about it around me.” hovering near your bed, fingers reaching for the soft blanket just barely hanging off.

twirling it between his fingers. he wasn’t drunk, but had clearly enough to be honest. do you try to get something honest out of him.

“why wouldn’t i?”

“i don’t know,” he follows your gaze to the midol on the tray.

you stifle a laugh, “you think i’m on my period?”

“i don’t know. but, you know, just in case,” the smallest smile creeping up.

without realizing you found your eyes trailing up his face, settling on how disheveled his hair was. evidence of how quickly he’d put this stuff together and brought it up to your room. you found yourself grinning, genuinely. he blinks once he sees it, tilting his head like he’s realized something and you look back to his eyes.

shaking your head, you sit up straighter, “i’m okay, really. thank you though.”

his smile falters an something shifts behind his eyes, “what can i do?”

you furrow your brows, sitting up completely now, “what do you mean? you’ve done plenty.”

“no,” he sighs, “you’re being nice, too nice to me. i don’t deserve that and it feels wrong so what can i do to fix it.”

sighing exasperated at his question, you shake your head, “there’s nothing to fix jason. we’re good.”

jason moves even closer, hand inching closer as he sighs your name. a silent plea to have you back. you gasp as he suddenly pulls you to the edge of the bed, letting your legs hang off the side and settle between them.

jason places his hand over yours, pushing the idle one closer to his face and just breathing the scent of you in. your mouth gapes at the gesture before he kisses the tender flesh and makes a sound that could only be described as broken pleading.

“please,” giving puppy eyes as he stares into your wide ones. jason huffs and drops to his knees, hands touching the backs of your thighs, “yell at me. slap me. hit me. something, anything that’ll get you to talk to me like before.”

without realizing your hand comes up to stroke his hair, “jay, i’m not going to hit you.”

he looks genuinely hurt, “why not? i’d deserve it.”

taking a deep breath, you push his hair back from his forehead, “because that wouldn’t be honest.”

his perfect lips part as he stares up at you. leaning into your hand on his cheek with his eyes nearly watering. desperation evident in his gaze as his lip trembles but you take his hand in yours and drag him back upwards, helping him stand. instinctively he keeps leaning into you, pleading with his eyes.

“i’m serious,” he tries again, “just once please, scream, kick me. it’ll make you feel better.”

a small, slow smile creeps on your face as his fingers remain between yours.

“that wouldn’t make me feel better. hitting you would just make you feel better, I’d feel the same.”

for a moment everything stills. like the words sunk deep into the fabrics of his mind as he watches you. the gentle honesty in your voice as you pull your hand from his. jason takes a shaky breath and steps backwards. he slowly nods as the words solidify as fact. you were right, he was making himself feel better about it all. you weren’t doing anything wrong even if it bothered him.

“okay,” nodding at you, shifting his weight on his feet, “i’ll should let you sleep then.”

you nod right back, “okay, night jason.”

not meaning to say it like that, but you don’t correct yourself and neither does he. instead he gives you a tight lipped smile and moves to leave. hovering for a moment too long at the door, he look back at you, watching how you settled back into your bed. then he slowly creeps the door shut. leaving you to think about the implication in his actions and the generosity in his care.

jason todd was a sweet man, but in the back of your mind, you couldn’t forget what he’s capable of doing to you.

light creeps through the sheer curtains, effectively making you toss and turn.

the loud singing and feet shuffling down the hall drags you further awake before it even enters the room. you grumble as the door opens and grayson comes barreling inside. he jumps onto your bed and basically over you, making you groan louder and shove him off.

“i told you to be up before ten,” pulling the pillow out from under your head, “get up.”

you roll over to groan and grab the pillow back but grayson yanks it from you, pulling you nearly off the bed. you yelp and catch yourself while he laughs and stands back up.

“i’ll be downstairs ordering breakfast.” grinning like an absolute idiot, “if you fall back asleep i swear i’m bringing a bucket of water.”

“you’re the most annoying person to ever exist. let me sleep, it’s reading week.”

squinting with the pillow still in hand, he pulls it back just to let it bounce on the side of your head. hair spilling over in front of your face as you stand to chase after him, but grayson is super athletic and he doesn’t even have to try to out run you, laughing and giggling to himself like a child. completely unfazed, he throws it at you and is already texting on his phone while he runs down the steps like an annoying older brother. gleefully giggling to himself while he skips away.

“breakfast will be here in twenty minutes!” voice loud as he goes completely out of your sight.

whether he knew it or not, this was helping. annoying as it may be, leaving campus gave you something to do other than mope and act like you weren’t sad. only difference was you were now sharing the space with the source of your issue itself and ignoring him was impossible. not when jason was being so sweet about it all.

by the time you’re changed and downstairs, grayson is already eating.

something in a white box waiting for you along with an iced coffee. he ordered himself pancakes. prepared to give him a dirty look, grayson looks up at your first, grinning with chocolate on his teeth. you take the seat next to him. the garden bruce had built there was beautiful and was seen through the backyard window. tall sunflowers, striking as they framed the sides of the grounds. long enough to peak out the landscape and through the window. the grass was clearly tended after and had barely grown, signaling that it had been cut recently. warmth on the horizon the welcomed the day through a mid-spring noon.

but something was lacking in this perfect picture and it was the most desirable part.

lips parting as you look around, “where’s—”

“jason?” grayson finishes before you can while he takes a bite of his toast an talking with his mouth full, “said he’ll be back late tonight. stuff to do apparently.”

a scoff escapes you as you nod and take a sip of your coffee. grayson tilts his head at you.

“there you are,” he smiles.

“what?” looking out the window again like it’s the most interesting thing but grayson isn’t buying it.

“your nonchalant act is slipping you know. you don’t gotta hide that shit from me of all people dude.” lifting a piece of his omelette to lips.

you blink at him, “there is no act. i just don’t care about where he is or what he’s doing. plain and simple.”

“suuure,” elongating the word and pulling his fork from his mouth.

not wanting to entertain him, you keep eating your breakfast. spinach feta omelette and vanilla latte, stupidly delicious so you couldn’t deny anything but keep chewing. the betraying delicious taste that made you think the egg ick was just a hoax. you glare at him while you chew. grayson was filthy rich by association to his father, so you don’t feel bad about him paying for your food. still you thank him for th food and he smiles in response like it was the easiest thing.

“does he…” you start, pushing the breakfast potatoes around the plate, “does jason always just leave like that?”

grayson lifts a brow, shoulders coming up a second later when he shrugs, “only when he wants to avoid something.”

still looking at your plate, a small frown between your brows. then, you nod, “right.”

while you finish off your food and he chugs the rest of his drink down, you start to clean up after yourself. grayson yawns and helps clean up too. “have you thought about what you’ll wear to graduation?”

catching you off guard while you rounded the table to throw out your trash, “not really. i feel like i’ve been so busy with school i haven’t really thought about the after part.”

“i mean at you’ve got time to look. there’s like six week left til we graduate so you might as well start looking.”

scratching at your brow, you nod in agreement, “i’ll probably wear an old dress or something. i never wear them anyways.”

“the hell you will,” following after you, “you work your ass off, as a TA and research assistant so you’re lowkey your profs bitch,” not missing the scowl on your face as he continues, “you’re getting something new to wear. just come with me when i go get my suit tailored.”

“gee thanks dickhead,” you huff as he gets close enough to reach.

grayson fluffs your hair with his knuckles, “you’re like my baby sister and probably the only person who genuinely gives a shit about their future.”

swatting his hand away, “we’re the same age.”

“and i’m still proud of you,” he adds, grabbing paper towel to wipe his hands.

you can’t help but smile and reach up to squeeze his cheeks, “thanks.”

but the smile quickly fades as the realization of future dawns on you again. all of those acceptance letters that haven’t come in yet. the stress of finding a job post-grad that’s supposed to be serious enough in your field but not so serious that you can’t have a social life. god, a social life. you hardly even have one right now and when you try to get out more everything just bites you again. letting out a harsh sound as you drop your hands, grayson waves his in front of you.“you’re still stressed about the graduation thing hmm?”

nodding as you rub between your chest, “i’m just worried that i’m not gonna get in. it’s not the worst thing in the world but it kind of is, to me.”

he shakes his head, “nah, you’re accomplished enough that they’ll recognize that. you’ve got internship experience. they’d be a fool not to enroll you.”

“did you apply too?” you ask as the two of you sit on the couch.

“nah,” plopping right next to you with his legs sprawled out, “i’m thinking of going to the police academy instead.”

perking up because grayson never really had an option for himself before, you beam, “gray that’s awesome what the fuck!”

he smiles, “i know right, i’m kinda proud of myself for thinking of it.”

“okay you’re ruining it,” you laugh, “detective grayson makes sense honestly.”

“you think?” he smiles and grabs the remote, turning on the tv just to get distracted by the first thing on the screen, “is harry potter actually racist or should we watch them cause i’ve only seen the first one.

“the writer, not the character,” settling better in your seat, “but as long as you don’t fall asleep, sure.”

by the third movie, grayson was drifting in and out of sleep. so you woke him up and made him watch a show with you instead.

it was nearly 11pm by this point and you’d gotten him through a good amount of gilmore girls.

“i don’t get it. he built her a car.” he huffs reaching into the bowl of popcorn between you.

“oh just you wait. he does some questionable things too. honestly, most people in this show kinda suck to some degree.” popping popcorn into your mouth.

“you’re just a cynic,” sighing as he settled back on the couch, “not every guy is a creep or terrible person.”

an involuntary snort escapes you, “yeah right.”

turning his full body to you, “i’m serious. dean’s a good guy here, you’re making it seem like he killed princess diana.”

“no, dean is such a weirdo, he literally cheated on his wife with rory,” pushing back at his argument, “he built her a car yeah, sure, whatever, but he cheated on his freaking wife!”

he thinks on it and then opens his mouth when someone interrupts him.

“they’re both bad no?”

you and grayson both look up at the same time to find jason walking towards you with bags in his hands. he continues, “i mean, dean’s arguably worse for doing all that while married.”

he walks over with a plastic bag of what looked like chips and candy for the three of you to chow down on. watching as your eyes trail over his hands, jason catches them just to smile at you with that sweet face of his and you can’t help but return it back.

pulling his leather jacket off, he strides over and plops next to you, just inches away from touching. it’s been less than a day since you’d seen him, but it felt the same as when you ignored him for two weeks—you missed him.

grayson yawns, “where were you bro?”

“i had to uh… do some stuff.” fidgeting with something in the plastic bag.

you watch as he pulls out a little tin that you recognized as his carrying pouch that he also rolls on it when he’s not home. ruffling though the bag, you can see little pink papers that he knows you particularly liked when he used. calling them cute when you went to them dispensary with him and he hasn’t changed from them since. even if his favourite burns better than this one and even though you told him you’re not his.

he pulls out a pink joint as he looks at you through his thick lashes, offering it to you.

“it’s that hybrid one you liked,” coaxing with his stupidly sultry voice.

jason isn’t even aware of just how handsome he is sometimes, scowling or happy, he’d have you under his spell. even though you should hate him, hadn’t you punished him enough? hadn’t you punished yourself enough?

blinking at unlit joint in his fingers, then back up to his pretty face. his eyes widen slightly just to soften again while he recognizes the genuine expression on your face. he gulps and brings his hand a little closer.

was it the expensive wine grayson kept taking from the cellar? or was it this hard to deny how much you like jason?

squinting at him and teasing in your tone, “light it then.”

a slow smile spreads on his face as he nods in agreement. bringing the joint up to his plump lips and pulling a red lighter from his pocket. all you could do was watch. his thumb grazes over the metal and the orange glow is familiar as it illuminates the clench of his jaw when he pulls. making a seething sound as he effortlessly ghosts the hit and passes it over to you. cooing your name without meaning to have the effect on you that it effortlessly does. you pass it right to grayson, watching as he scans the pink paper and then jason’s face.

“why’re you using a girly brand?” yet bringing the joint to his lips and taking a long drag.

jason just shrugs and sits back to watch. the two of you seated less than a foot apart, on this long sofa couch and his brother laying at the corner. but in the back of your mind, he was was there again. you spent the day with grayson, talking school, food, clothes, anything! and your kind had shifted from the inner workings of jason todd to the other stresses of adulthood.

though right now, all you could think about was the salty taste of his skin after he’s had you beneath him and worked you insane. how your name sounds on his tongue when he’s falling apart. the distinct hum of approval he makes when your head is laying on his chest and the way he sounds when he says i love you.

the intro song to the show repeats as your mind reels for episodes at time. at some point grayson mumbles about wanting a comedy and jason halfheartedly agrees because you were distracted. but what makes it hard to focus is him. the way he’s staring at you from the side of the couch. you stopped reaching for snacks long before jason even walked in and you’ve let grayson hog the joint while you tried not to seem more affected.

jason’s eyes keep flickering to the side of your head and you try not to notice, how could you not?

last night he wasn’t so out of it that he wouldn’t remember what you talked about, right?

leaning back in your seat, you take a brief glance towards jason and meet his eyes as soon as you land on him. watching you before clearing his throat and tuning back towards the movie that only grayson paid attention to.

it goes on like this for half of the movie, stealing glances and sneaking small smiles. fake laughing when grayson does so he doesn’t suspect anything. but neither of you saw how grayson already clocked what was happening. he turns his head when you both sneak glances at the other, thinking neither of you notice it.

grayson takes out his phone, pretending to get a call, “i’ll be right back guys.”

“your phones literally not even ringing,” jason mutters while grayson puts a hand up to ignore him and walk away.

you’re sighing as grayson walks out of the room to answer a very clearly fake phone call just to leave the two of you alone. giving neither of you time to protest. you watch as he walks out of the room, making fake conversation with the air. muttering, no this is a good time.

as you turn back toward the screen, you catch jason staring again and offer him a small, sweet smile.

“you, uh, you look nice.” he offers back.

at the sudden compliment, you make a small sound between a laugh and a scoff, “i’m in a sweat suit, but thanks.”

he flushes immediately, “well, it looks good on you. you should wear that one you took from my room.”

“you mean the one i gave back to you?”

“i never took it back.” he says immediately, “i like it on you so why would i? it’s yours.”

he did leave it there at your front door when you gave it back to him the other night. though, you didn’t throw it out either. you might’ve kept it, hung in your closet. distinctly smelling like him.

the heaviness hangs in the air as the movie goes on and neither of you speak.

grayson’s presence as a buffer did nothing to mask the tension between you but at least his occasional laughs would remind the both of you that you weren’t alone. after another five minutes, grayson returns to find the two of you just as before and he smirks to himself before announcing, “i’m going out for a bit,” saying your name to jason while he pulls on a black jacket with a blue stripe across the shoulders, “don’t be an asshole jay.”

jason squeezes his eyes shut at the nickname only you used, regretting ever mentioning it to his brother. a slow smirk creep on your face this time but you choose not to acknowledge it yet.

“where you going grayson?” looking past jason’s shoulder to look at him.

he shrugs, “apparently kori is single again and i’m sure she needs comforting.”

you scoff out a disbelieving laugh, “you’re actually disgusting.”

“and you love me.” waving before watching you sink back into your seat.

part of you knew there was no comforting needed. kori was on the trip with cassandra. either way, knowing that there was no call made, he leaves. there was no reason for him to leave the house. but he wanted you to talk to jason. he was sick of this tension that everyone but the two of you could recognize as lust and maybe love.

you don’t wanna make the first move. you don’t wanna be the first one to say something even though it’s childish and probably really stupid. the two of you keep watching some really stupid and cheesy movie but despite it all makes you laugh and that sound that beautiful sound is what makes him laugh too.

he offers you a snack that he brought it, something sour and sugary that you’ve shared before. that’s how he inches closer, but not close enough for you to realize yet. just enough to be safe. fingers grazing over th other as he passes you the remote. the blanket from behind you at some point gets draped over you and you find that the two of you are inching just a little closer. and closer.

the movie ends and you realize it’s way past midnight. when you turn your head, jason’s got his head on his palm, lazily watching the credits roll while he leans on the back of the couch. then turning his head so he’s just inches from your face, fuck when did he even get this close? he lets his eyes flicker just as you lick your lips. instinctively, you find yourself leaning in to that familiarity of him and the warmth of his desire. his lips part as he moves in and you suddenly jerk back to clear your throat.

you gotta shake this crush off. this was give and take and you’d had enough of giving.

standing and stretching your arms, you don’t realize how it reveals the slightest sliver of your stomach. his eyes fall low and immediately lift as if he’s trying to respect you and failing terribly. lips caught between his teeth when he hums and smiles.

“going to bed?”

“maybe,” yawning as you say it, “i might shower first and then study for a bit.”

heavy arms stretch over the headrest of the couch, “you don’t really know how to take breaks you know that,” he states rather than questions.

“are you asking or telling me?” you say while trying not to look at his biceps straining in his shirt.

“just making an observation. i never see you actually relax, or sleep.” trailing his eyes behind you like he’s remembering how it felt when you fell asleep in his arms. but just long enough for him to succumb to it too and then wake to you already gone.

you see the look, “maybe in the summer before grad school. assuming i get in.” you mutter the last part.

“nah you’ll get in ma.” he says quickly, “if anyone deserves it, it’s you.”

clearing your throat, you flip the narrative so he’s on the spot, “so jay huh?”

sighing loudly, he rubs at his temple, “i knew i shouldn’t have told him. guess it’s his way of teasing me for ruining good things in my life.”

lips part in a silent gasp that doesn’t leave your mouth. “that can’t be true.”

“it is.” doubling down on his words, “it was.”

for a moment the two of you stare at the other, like you haven’t done enough of that tonight already. but this time it’s laced with this sense of longing and deep seated despair that you finally see how much his face has sunken in. how much he really was sorry. how badly you want him without apologizes.

though you take a few step back and lick your lips as you back away.

“good night jason.” turning your back before you can see his face and let your judgement be clouded by it.

“wait,” he calls, “please?”

unbeknownst to you, you do. turning back to find his standing.

“i can leave. you were here first and you seemed…” trailing off and finding the words, “i can go.”

frowning at him, you try again, “i’m gonna shower and study, it’s fine.”

picking up the empty bowl, “nah, you’ll study better here than sitting on your bed. i’m gonna clean up anyway.” already moving toward the kitchen.

“jay,” you call out after him. immediately he stops in his tracks.

he hums in response, the most sentimental look on his face like this was good for him. as though you just being near was enough. and you can’t help but involuntarily shake your head.

“never mind. i’ll just… grab my stuff.”

turning on your heel and going up to your room to do exactly as you said. though, really it was to shake this familiar feeling in your stomach from blooming. to rid yourself of the flutter in your core that tingled up and down your spine. taking slow shallow breaths as you close the door behind you and just slide down it like a dramatic film.

you’re supposed to hate him, but your skin burns everytime he’s near. what he did was unforgivable, though all the signs pointed to his horrible regret.

not caring that you’d said you’d come right back, you star yourself right back up because this boy does not define you. to let his thoughts and feelings and desires hold you accountable, was a damn shame.

why are you forced to bare the weight of his actions?

stripping off your clothes, you make your way into the bathroom and leave a trail of clothes on the way. turning the shower on and stepping in just before the temperature rises to feel the cold shock and gasp. the water is icy before it goes warm from the cold pipes that travel through the house. the softest hum just loud enough for jason to hear it from downstairs and know you weren’t coming back down.

showers have always been a place of comfort for you. the warmth hugs you like a blanket of tranquility that aids in shaking off the feelings of discomfort. though the overwhelming pit in your stomach remained, coiling deep as you recall the reality that he was here—and you loved him.

it’s not like you didn’t know you liked jason this much. if sleeping with him more than once wasn’t enough, you knew you loved him like the man he was. even if he’d acted like a boy in that moment. there was so much regret tangled within your relationship that it felt like you had to bring your self down. as you scrubbed the dry skin off and lathered soap up just to watch the suds wash right off, they went down the drain like sins. like they would rid you of everything he’d done and everything you’d done too.

as you leave the shower and wrap yourself with a soft yellow towel, you spot familiar producing sitting on the vanity in your room. a lotion and body oil next to the rest of your skin care and the tray of things jason gave you last night too.

but those body products weren’t yours, though, it was your favourites. you just didn’t bring them with you. soft thumping from a couple of rooms over catch your attention as you move to stand in front of the products. the vanilla cashmere lotion that smelt divine and got sold out more often than you’d be able to get them. grabbing the product, you sit on the bed and start to put some on your hands and rub them into your skin. rubbing into your joints extra and letting your skin start to shine. mind drifting to the implications of your actions and to the ones of his.

pulling on a baggy tee shirt and some pajama bottoms you hardly ever wore as you grab your phone and sit on the edge of the bed. that’s when you hear barely there shuffling by your door, contemplating. creeping over to the door, you open it to find jason lurking there, hand raised like he was about to knock.

the familiar smell of you wafted in his nose and he stammered before you answered for him, “hey.”

he shoves his hands into his pockets and smiles back, “hey.”

turning your head toward the things on your bedside table, you tilt your head at it, “did you buy me those?”

“yeah,” he says shrugging, “i brought them when i was out but i know you only use it after a shower so.”

heat burns at your face, “that’s really sweet of you. thank you. i actually forgot to bring all my stuff with me.”

“nah, don’t mention it. i wanted to.” the words hanging there. he looks from eye to eye before his mouth opens again, “sorry, i should let you study like you wanted.”

though before he can move again, your hand shoots out and grabs his. not hard, just enough to stop him. you’re almost mortified with yourself for the sudden movement but you don’t move. jason’s eyes widen slightly as he steps in tandem with you and they trail back up to yours, before he says your name, “you okay?”

suddenly you ask, “if i didn’t open the door, were you just gonna stand here all night?”

something in his face drops a little because you’d caught him and he swallows, “i wasn’t sure if you’d want me to come inside or if you even wanted to see me.”

“you could’ve knocked.” you offer.

he smiles with his eyes, “would you have opened?”

you stare at him for a moment before realizing you probably wouldn’t have. i mean, why would he think you would now after slamming it in his face for weeks? letting his hand go, you step back a little, “well, do you wanna come inside?”

he searches your eyes. like he’s evaluating if you really mean it, or if this was just you being nice and civil like before. though he takes little time before he nods so you couldn’t take the offer back, “yeah i’d like that.”

moving aside to let him in, you fiddle with the soft fabric of your t-shirt. fingers twirling the hem as the nerves bubbles and fizzle out just as he takes a seat on the chair next to your bed. even though you didn’t ask for space he was giving you it still. you sit back on the bed.

“so, you gonna study or gordon got you doing spread sheets again?” he tries, feeling the awkward air hand between you.

you shake your head, “it’s too late anyways but i’m not exactly sleepy anymore. i’ll study tomorrow.”

jason’s eyes widen just a fraction, “you’re gonna study tomorrow? wow i’m surprised.”

“what’s that mean?” you say as you watch his feet planted on the floor begin to push him in the chair so it spins around.

“means you’re always doing readings or writing a paper.” stopping the spin in front of you, “it’s unlike you to not want to.”

“you’re the same so you’re not one to talk,” a soft chuckle spills from your lips, “but i guess i’m just distracted lately.”

he nods, hands coming down in front of him to rest on his lap. twirling his thumbs around the other as you continued to fiddle with the hem of your shirt. at seeing the nerves radiating off you with your body language, jason untwists his fingers and changes the subject.

“what’d you guys do all day?” he asks.

“nothing really. we watched harry potter movies until we both got sick of it.” you start. jason makes a face.

“you watched harry potter movies?” asking with a barely hidden distaste as he raises a brow.

and you know his reasoning enough to smile and nod, “yeah don’t worry we pirated it so that racist isn’t getting any royalties.”

jason genuinely throws his head back and laughs right back, “that’s my girl.” before catching himself and realizing his words and you can see the flash of memory behind his eyes. of you telling him you weren’t his. that you’re no his girlfriend. he stammers, “sorry, that’s not what what i meant—”

“it’s fine,” you say while shaking your head to ease the tension, “so what did you do today?”

“me? i just uh,” couldn’t stand to be around you without touching you, he thinks. but he couldn’t say that so instead he says. “saw my old bike in the garage and decided to take it for a spin.”

you raise your brows, “bike huh? you ride a motorcycle?”

he nods, “been a while since i moved to campus bruce made me leave it at home but yeah.”

humming, you tilts your head at him, “and here i was thinking you were just this womanizing stoner, and you’ve got some depth huh?”more bite behind your words than you meant to. though his hurt ran so deep that it finally laced through your words for the first time this week.

jason’s stunned but not enough to reassure you, “only woman i’ve hurt seems to be the only woman i’ve loved.”

unable to control yourself, the words continue to roll out, “mmh you say that to all the girls you sleep with don’t you?”

“well yeah since there’s only one.”

you blink at him and the implication hangs there.

“only one?” you croak.

the chair groans as he runs his hand though his hair and takes a deep breath before murmuring your name. “you’re the only person i’ve ever been with.” he admits

without a beat, you shove him backwards so his chair spins in another circle, “bullshit! you bet on my virginity. you wouldn’t just sleep with me like that for your first time!”

he sighs, “i am though. or, i was a virgin. you took that from me.”

“yeah okay.” you scoff, sitting a little further back from him to create distance. then you say a little quieter under your breathe, “like i’d fucking believe you.”

“come on,” he frowns, “i know i’m an asshole but i really didn’t lie about this.”

you just glare at him because why the fuck is he so insistent on this lie?

he plants his feet on the floor in front of you, grabbing your hands before they can shove him again, “i wish it didn’t happen like that but it’s true. i didn’t lie about that.” writhing in his grips, he tightens them slightly just so you were forced to keep listening. “i meant what i said.”

“well i can’t keep up with what’s real and what’s bullshit with you.” pulling hard and freeing yourself from him.

for a moment, he stares and you can see the shame rising in his face. his hands flatten on his lap and drops his head to look to the ground.

“i know i don’t deserve forgiveness and i know you hate me, but i didn’t lie. not about that anyway.” looking up to stare into your eyes with nothing but seriousness on it. “i need you to know that at least true. it was real for me.”

it’s like the words sink through the fabric of your clothes and sent shivers up your spine. something screamed that he was telling the truth. but you yank your hands away and move back again. his hand ball up slightly before settling back on his lap and he smooths it over his thighs.

jason echoes your name, “do you believe me?”

“sure,” you start, “i believe you.”

his brows touch his lashes, “that’s not very convincing.”

frustration boiling into something hotter and worthy of hashing out. like a kettle on a pot, you felt yourself getting progressively angry with him, like the last couple days did nothing to calm you down at all. this wound was stupidly fresh.

“neither is sleeping someone for a bet and the claiming you’re magically a virgin.” you practically yell back.

jason sighs too, his own frustration slipping through the cracks as he rubs between his brows, “i’m trying to fix this. to fix us—”

“there is no fucking us!” you cut him off.

he looks unfazed, like he had been waiting for this, “we both know that’s not true. there’s always gonna be an us and i just want you to talk to me,” he admits.

though that only made you more annoyed. you snap and turn to him suddenly, “what else do you want from me jason?”

blinking at you, he gulps, “what do you mean?”

you scoff like he should know the answer, “you wanted to fuck, you got it. added me to a list in a frat house and checked it off a box. what the fuck else could you possibly want?”

he looks genuinely taken aback, “that’s not why this was—”

“oh quit lying to me for once and stop pretending.” you say humourlessly and laugh crueler than ever, “can’t you get it through your thick skull that i’m not yours! i’m not your fucking girlfriend jason!”

saying nothing in return, he lets you go on. only until you say something he had to object to.

“i was never yours jason and you,” you laugh to hide that it hurt to admit, “you were never mine.”

“now who’s being dishonest.” he says while shaking his head, “you can’t decide whose i am.”

glaring up at him, you scowl, “i’m telling you you’re not mine.”

“bullshit.” he says immediately. “bull-fucking-shit, whether you believe me or not, i am yours. my mind is curated for you. my heart belongs to you.”

you scoff yet he continues, “tell me to drop out of school right now, i’ll do it. tell me i’m an idiot and i’m worthless and i’ll take it. i swear i can take it. you can keep tiptoeing around me if you want and you can keep treating me like gum on the bottom of your shoe but don’t talk about yourself like you’re just anyone else to me.”

you move to get up but he stops you this time, hand on your forearm in a firm but gentle way. his gorgeous eyes boring into yours in a devastating way while you pretend to not love it. his hand slides down to yours and he brings your hand up to his cheek. eyelids fluttering shut while you try to squirm from his grip. he doesn’t budge.

“stop running from me. let me own this and let’s just hash this out, please?” slipping into his silent submission for your forgiveness.

his chest heaves and so does yours at the proximity. suddenly he says what you’d denied the previous night, “hit me.”

you scoff, “no, i told you, i’m not hitting you.”

“why not? you’re mad at me and you won’t tell me what i can do so just hit me. slap me, i don’t know just take it out on me. i’ll take your anger on for you.” he reasons.

rapidly you blink at him, “for fucks sake jason, no. i told you last night too, no. i’m not hitting you.”

“well it’s only fair. i hurt you first.” he tries again.

“i’m not helping you feel better about it.”

“how will a sting on my face make me feel better?” crossing his arms like he’s made some amazing point.

you think about it for a second. maybe hitting would make you feel a little better. then before you can think too hard about it, you tilt your head at him, pull your hand back and slap him. not hard but more than enough for him to feel it. jason’s hand goes up to cup his cheek and a slow grin spreads. but you just scowl.

you don’t feel any better. now you’re just genuinely annoyed by him and having your point proven in the matter of seconds, you grumble, “there, happy? now you can leave me alone.”

his smile drops, “but we should—”

“there is no we jason. go to bed, you’re starting to really piss me off.”

a soft sigh escapes him before he watches you turn away from him and grab your phone from the bedside table. then, he drops his hand and he speaks.

“no.”

you turn to him, annoyance more than just evident across your face, “no?” you offer back.

jason searches your eyes like it could help him figure you out. “no. i won’t. not until you talk to me.”

incredulously, you throw your head back and lose your patience, snapping at him, “i don’t know how much clearer i need to make myself. i don’t want to talk to you. i can’t seem to shake you off but i need to get away from you for some time—”

“how much time?” he says as he stands.

“what?” you sigh, “i don’t know days maybe.”

“days,” he repeats while he nods to himself.

you hum, “or weeks maybe months.”

“months?!” exclaiming after you.

“i don’t know!” putting your hands on your face.

he nods slowly, though he steps closer, “and i will wait. i will rot and i will plead for you. i will want you harder and i will yearn worse but that is okay.”

you blink up at him, confused and betrayingly attracted. “did you hear a word that just came out of my mouth?”

and he just nods again, “i did and i heard you say you need time,” a smile growing on his face, “so you’ll give me time one day.”

at this point you’re dumbfounded. “you’re insane.”

“insanely in love with you.” spitting it out and not bothering to take it back, “you’re giving me something and that’s enough. you’re more than enough for me.”

“stop saying that like it means something jason. you don’t mean that—”

“stop telling me what i mean!” his voice raises for the first time.

the sound echoes just enough to catch you off guard. the both of you just stare at eachother for a moment while you see how his expression shifts into something you could only describe as self-loathing.

“i’m weak,” he says, “when you talked to me i thought this is my only chance. you’ve never noticed me before and i knew roy would try—” cutting himself off like a broken telephone, “regardless it is my fault. this is all my doing and i thought that it was my only chance with you. when you showed interest back, i just thought maybe it was a happy accident that we both liked eachother until you fell asleep on my chest and i felt like my heart was gonna explode.”

without missing a beat or interrupting, his brows raise likes he’s trying to understand if himself.

“i just thought that if he went for you first i was surely gonna lose. so i told myself i’d tell you in the morning. but then i woke up and you were gone and in that lecture with that face and those eyes and i couldn’t fucking do it.” laughing with no humour behind it, “i’m weak and it’s my own fault. i had the chance to make it right and face the consequences but i chose to hang on to you a little longer because i am a coward.”

you watch with immense trouble to stop your own trembling chin as he chokes on his words and stammers before catching himself, “it wasn’t roy or dick or you. it was me. it was my fault. but still, i meant all of what i said. that night, that day and the week after. at your apartment. i always meant it.”

crumbling inside of you and rising again, your heart flutters in your chest. you gulp down the feelings and try not to care about the words coming out of his mouth and failing terribly because jason sees it. he turns his head with yours and follows your eyes.

“i love you so much it physically hurts,” and at this angle you can see the tears welling in his eyes “stop hiding from me. please, please let me show you.”

your lips part but no sound comes out because what were you supposed to do now?

“i chose you before you could have not chosen me.” he admits again and something in you crumbles.

searching his eyes, you lean closer to him, his name a breathless gasp on your tongue.

he breathes your name out the same, hands grazing over your sides and travelling up to your shoulders. inching closer as he stares down at your lips parting in anticipation. a soft broken sound leaves your throat before you knew it and it doesn’t come out like happiness barely concealed. tears form in your eyes and spill over down your cheek.

“you hurt me,” you admit.

with glossed over eyes that made him look like he’s about to cry too, he sighs shakily, “i know baby.”

“you made me feel like i was just a game to you. like i don’t matter to you.” slow tears pouring down your face in a way you meant to conceal for weeks to no end.

“you’re not a game to me. never were.” he cups your face, “you do matter. you’re the only thing that matters to me,” leaning down to kiss the tears on your cheek, carefully pressing delicate kisses.

“i can’t think without you,” softly groaning as he says it while his fingers trace down your spine making you shiver, “and i haven’t felt like myself in a long time.”

the air in your lungs felt compressed like you needed him to inhale in into you. with your hands on his chest, you find yourself breathing heavily but not seeming to breathe deeply. you sigh his name again, “jay.”

the tip of his tongue stays on the back of his teeth while he stares at your lips with immense restraint. gently, you find yourself pulling him to find he wouldn’t budge. not until you told him he could. shuddering as he says the words, “tell me to stop.”

but you tug him closer. you don’t want him to stop. you want him, and you know you’ll always want him like an addict to his touch. you shake your head and lick your lips, as he watches through lustful eyes.

holding his breath until you close the distance and whisper, “don’t you dare stop.”

it’s surprising soft as he cradles your head with his large palm. immediately holding you like a precious art when you’re on him like a feral animal. it’s softer than it’s ever been, his huge arms holding you in place as he presses his lips to yours and melts.

groaning into you while his other hand finds yours and your fingers lace together. he’s climbing right over you and then pulling you closer, just manhandling in the softest way possible. the pink plush of his lips, melting around yours like he’s starved as he bites just hard enough to drag your bottom lip away with his. moaning as it pops out of his mouth and panting desperately.

“i missed you,” pressing sloppy kisses to the corners of your mouth, “i always miss you.”

you can’t do anything but take his delicate displays of adoration. nothing but kiss him back just as hungrily, dragging him even closer to you as if you weren’t already glued together, chest to chest. then your hands slide up his hard chest, dragging your nails down his pecks as you reach for what you really wanted. jason’s eyes widen as you palm at him through his jeans, feeling the weight straining against the fabric. he murmurs your name against your lips but you don’t hear him, still pawing at his hard length concealed in his pants. he groans like it hurts and throws his head back before grabbing your hands when they pull down his zipper and you frown.

“no, no, wait,” he says, “let me.”

confused, you stare at his already dishevelled appearance. “i just wanted to—”

“i know ma,” he’s already gotten up on his knees on the mattress, hands idle on either side of you, “i wanna make you feel good. can i do that? can i touch you?”

you know exactly what he means now as he resettles between your legs and you sit up against the headboard. instinctively pulling away as he waits for your approval.

“no one’s ever…” trailing off as he stares up through his lashes with his gorgeous eyes.

a delicate smile forms across his handsome face,“no one’s ever tasted you before?” just barely hiding his amusement as you nod, “no one ever made you cum with just their tongue?”

fuck, and he told you he really was a virgin before he met you. how the hell is he this good at dirty talk?

you shove at his chest playfully as you laugh and continues kissing the side of your face, “you’re nasty you know that?”

he hums as pushes your knees apart and leaves kisses that trail down your face, “for you, i am a dog.”

allowing him to maneuver himself closer between your legs, you pull him down by his collar into a rough kiss. planting his hands on either side of your head so to not crush you, he smacks his lips against yours while his breaths come out heavy. idle hands shift to gently trace down side and push up your shirt. his tongue swipes at your bottom lip and coaxes you to open your mouth for him so give another wet smooch with teeth dragging your lip with him. he moans right into you as you tug him even closer so he’s entirely ontop of you.

then he starts to drag his lips down the column of your neck leaving the softest kisses in his place. sucking a soft purple spot when you hum at his movements and prolonging the sound of your broken voice. he kneads the skin and trails his lips back down on its destination not bothering to remove your shirt yet. just dragging the fabric high enough to mouth at your breasts though your bra. leaving a wet spot where your nipple was hidden. you gasp a high pitched sound at the sensation and he switched to the other side, looking up long enough to flash his heady smile and his sharp canines.

by the time he’s kissing down the valley of your breasts, you’re sure you’ve soaked yourself through your panties. before he got here, you were just in a baggy t-shirt, and jason was so glad to have this easy access. he groans about it too.

“you smell divine,” humming as he kisses the soft skin on your stomach, “like gold personified.”

pulling on the waistband of your panties, you vaguely wished you wore something cuter than these cotton ones. though jason didn’t seem to mind, flattening his tongue over the soaked fabric, dragging it up and up until he’s biting the fabric and pulling it down with his teeth. you gasp as you watch him move, while his eyes bore into yours and he makes quick movements, hooking fingers and pulling them down the rest of the way.

taking his time to way your hips twitch in anticipation, he lets it hang by your ankles before he tugs it off all the way with his free hand. sultry eyes shifting all over you as he drags your legs up onto his shoulders, kissing the supple skin on your inner thighs. unwillingly and not used to the feeling, you try to shut your legs to no avail and he frowns.

“you said you wanted this,” he starts as you nod to agree, “don’t hide from me please.”

you nod and ease the tension in your legs, letting them part further as he leans in closer.

“can i start?” asking once again. you nod, but that wasn’t enough yet for him, “words baby, do you want me to start?”

voice shakier than intended, you watch him, “yes jay please.”

for barely any time, his breath ghosts over your core. eyes glued to the sticky slick of arousal and how you flutter for him without having touched you there yet. he groans lowly and wets his lips before diving right in. licking a mean stripe up to the bundle of nerves that ached for him and only him to touch. before you can even jolt, his grip tightens and he’s on you again. lips wrapped around your clit as he sucks in pulses that could send fire throughout your body. hot waves of pleasure built through deep in your stomach as one of his hands drop to your breast and weighs it like heavy fruit.

you moan loud and have to clasp a hand over your mouth just to stop the sound from travelling through the house in case grayson came back. eyes rolls to the back of your head and his hand retreats from your chest and he lifts his mouth from you.

“no one’s home. it’s just us.” he gasps. looking up at you through heavy, lustful eyes, arousal coating his chin, “show me how good it feels for you okay? don’t be shy.”

carefully, he takes your hand off your mouth and laces his fingers through it, holding it up by your head while you settle back into the pillow. hungry eyes watching through it all as he lapped like the sweetest fruit was on his tongue. direct eye contact while he watched you lips part and gasp.

this felt so much more intimate than every other time with him and he was being so careful with you. this made you feel safe and loved. when he leans back down with his eyes still on yours, lapping and humming, the vibrations of his voice sending shivers down your spine.

moaning into you, “you’re so beautiful. d’you know that?”

your free hand slots into his hair and grip enough to push him into you more and he so willingly obliges. it’s building fast as he continues his ministrations, lips smacking and tongue thrusting in and out like he were on a mission. he teases until he’s nudging at that swollen, sensitive bud and just sucking, eyes rolling when gasp his name and squeeze your thighs together. not realizing how it slots around his neck, a low groan leaves his mouth as he slips his hand at your breast down to your entrance, collecting slick and teasing it inside. slowly pushing past the first knuckle.

he moans when you do, rutting himself ever so slightly into the mattress like he’s searching for relief. when you notice you try to tug him up, but he doesn’t budge. the feeling is boiling into something unbearable because of how relentless he was. building higher and higher, like an elastic ban pulled taut and about to snap.

“jay, too much. i can’t,” you cry out, tugging harder at his hair and squeezing his other hand tighter in yours.

all that does is spur him on, “that’s good,” he moans, “let it all out for me.”

a broken sound escapes as he works you faster, lips suctioning in a way that you’d never felt quite before. the hot sensation rushed down your body, snapping as you gush on his face.

though he doesn’t stop and he doesn’t relent.

instead, jason drags it further, shaking his face left and right through your folds like a madman trying to collect your arousal. he’s lapping up everything he could before his fingers slide out. whining at the overstimulation as he drags your high out and another one begins to build.

“fuck jason, slow down,” humming out harshly before you bite your tongue.

all that could be heard was his broken moans and lewd slurping sounds before he pulls off reluctantly.

“just one more please? let me feel you do that again.” he pants.

maybe you were blissed out and hallucinated it but his eyes looked like they’d formed hearts in them. his chin covered in your arousal and his lips swollen. he just looked so beautiful like this and so utterly yours. before you could think too hard about it, you nod at him weakly and he’s already leaning back down.

he places a soft kiss on your inner thigh and then bites it enough to leave teeth marks, making you seethe softly at the sensation. then he’s licking up the slick that collected on your thigh, up and up until he’s back were he’d started. this time his mouth is even more feral, teasing and biting. sloppily kissing and sucking like he’s trying to learn the different sounds he could coax. your head falls back into the pillow at the overwhelming sensations peaking embarrassingly fast.

gripping onto his hair tighter, you moan loudly when his fingers slip back inside to its hilt. he’s murmuring words of affirmation into you before thrusts. murmuring that it’s the sweetest thing i’ve ever tasted and i love her so much. moaning out about how good you look for him and how he could do this for days.

it’s there before you know it, and your walls tighten around his finger while you arch off the bed. he unlaces your hands to push your stomach back down and keep you flat on the bed for him while he works.

jason felt so right and you wanted to keep him there forever. the sounds he made was what got you off more than anything else and hot white flashes wash over you as you let go again. knowing you’re soaking his face like something that should feel wrong, you didn’t care. you keep grinding up to meet his face before he removes his finger from inside you to wrap both arms around your thighs and tug you down the bed further. he uses the angle to lap at you again, cleaning up your juices while you writhe from the sensation.

“p-please,” you pant, “too much.”

he groans into you once more before placing a kiss onto your clit. he brings his had up to his mouth and licks them clean, watching you twist into the pillow from exhaustion. a happy smile tugs at his lips as his heart flutters at the sight of you worn out for him. hands trailing up and down your bare leg while you try to catch your breath on your side. your eyes are shut tight, humming like you’re still coming down and his stomach flips at the sight. he’s about to lean down beside you, before he realizes that you might not want that.

slowly, he stands and strokes your damp hair from your face when he sees the tears on your cheeks.

“shit, i’m sorry, did i hurt you? fuck, i should’ve listened to you—”

spiralling before you croak out weakly from how loudly you’d been saying his name, “no,” you pant, hands coming up to hold his where they were on your cheek, “that was so good, i think i’m floating.”

jason barks out a laugh and sits next to you, “like a good floating or a bad trip kind of floating?”

you blink slowly at him like you’re about to fall asleep, “like i just died and came back to life from your tongue. that kind.”

his smile somehow widens and he leans down to kiss your lips. pushing yourself forward enough to lift your chin towards him, you kiss him right back. soft and measured as you sigh into him and melt into that gooey, exhausted mush he always makes you and you smile against his lips. jason does the same and pulls back a bit to speak.

“you tired?”

you nod with yours eyes closed, “yeah,” stretching your neck out a bit, “kinda wore me out a bit.”

humming in acknowledgment, he pulls your blanket up to cover you and kisses your forehead. “sleep sweetheart, i’ll see you in the morning.”

“wait,” you grab his arm, “can you stay?”

“you want me to stay with you?” confirming what he thought he heard wrong.

blinking slowly at him, “yeah, will you just hold me for a while?”

he’s sure his heart is about to explode and half as sure that you can hear it through his chest. jason nods and climbs in next to you, hands wrapping around your waist as you snuggle back into him. taking his idle hands to wrap them even further across you body and sigh into contentment. he gulps as he watches your eyes flutter with heaviness of both what he’d given you and how he was holding you now. like a weighted blanket, he lulled you into the sleep that was already pulling you under.

studying the features on your face and the curve of your nose over your shoulder, he finds himself smiling fondly. your mouth parted slightly, soft sounds of relaxation taking home in your impending slumber. he stayed utterly quiet and still in anticipation for what you never let him see for long enough.

once your breathing evened out, he decided that he still could not sleep. jason was wide awake.

everytime you’d hooked up, without fail, you left him in the middle of the night. jason was so used to reaching for you in the morning to be met with empty air, he couldn’t do that again. instinctively, his arms tightened around you and his eyes remained open.

he wouldn’t sleep now. no, he couldn’t sleep.

what if you left again? what if he shut his eyes and you pried his hands off of you and left, again?

a soft groan leaves your lips and you turn over in your slumber to face him and his hand loosen just enough to allow for that. nuzzling into his chest, a faint smile appears on your face from contentment and jason feels his heart flutter and skip multiple beats. he couldn’t help it, reaching down to kiss your forehead twice and burying his face right back into your hair. even asleep, you move into him further, humming and slotting a leg between his knees. he smiles and tightens his arms before realization hits him over.

jason stayed like this for hours, breathing softly to not wake you but holding you close enough to smell your shampoo. it was intoxicating and any other time he would’ve fall asleep at the feeling he felt with you. but tonight, he had no choice but to watch over you and see what makes you change your mind about him in the morning.

tonight he had to know, what kept you deciding that he wasn’t worth the chance anymore.

when the light melts through the sheer curtains and touches you skin, you quickly realize that you can barely move. but when your eyes flutter open, you find jason already staring down at you. you smile brightly, at the memory from last night.

“good morning,” cooing in your sleepy voice.

jason smiles back, pushing down his feelings of inadequacy, “good morning beautiful.”

kissing the top of your head while you hum in contentment. when he pulls back, you find yourself grabbing his chin and pulling him down for a kiss that could’ve awoken sleeping beauty. he sinks into it immediately, brows furrowing and lips touching yourself with a raw passion which made your head spin. pulling away with a smile, you take in his expression.

“did you not sleep?” you question.

staring into each of your eyes like he’s burning it to memory, he huffs, “i wasn’t sure if you’d be here if i did.”

you purse your lips and then sigh, “i would’ve stayed. where could i have gone?”

“i don’t know, i just,” he sighs too, “i wanted to be here when you woke up.”

in understanding, you nod and jason strokes your head. pushing back strands from your face to watch how the sun illuminates your skin. how the golden rays touch you like it was meant to. and you do the exact same. reaching up to push the tuft of white from his forehead and smiling fondly while he nuzzles into your hand. then a thought crosses your mind and you climb over him to get your phone from the bedside table. he makes a sound of discomfort but you climb anyway, holding your hips for stability til you settle back down.

“what?” he asks when you stare at your phone.

“it’s 1pm.” you say like it means something.

genuinely lost, he sits up on his elbows, “so?”

“so, we’ve been up here for hours and grayson probably heard us. well, me last night,” you get up and smooth your t-shirt, before staring at him like he’s insane, “oh get up jay!”

he laughs, sitting up and watching you, “okay i’m up.”

you nod, realizing just how sweaty you were before because of him. remembering that he’d been between your legs and feasting like you were the best meal he’d ever had. you find yourself staring at his lips an instinctively clenching your legs before pulling at your shirt to cover yourself a little more and failing.

“good,” you start, already moving to the bathroom, “i’m gonna shower, um, again.”

enjoying how flustered he’d made you, jason smiles, “okay ma. i’ll be downstairs yeah?”

the sight of him there on your bed, hair disheveled and lips still pink and swollen. it made you hot and bothered all over. you nod quickly and shut the door behind you.

this was so fucked. you were so fucked.

by the time yours out of the second shower you’d had in the last 12 hours, jason’s already downstairs and cooking breakfast. the waft of vanilla and syrup travels up the stairs and settles under your nose until you’re mindlessly walking down it. though when you get there, you’re not sure if he made it or grayson bought it again.

jason’s standing there with no shirt on, hair damp like he’d washed it and pushed it back. pouring coffee and orange juice like he’s unsure which one you wanted this morning. before realizing you’re standing there, he’s opening the fridge and grabbing two fiji waters that bruce had bought and turning to put them on the table next to his omelettes and spotting you.

“oh hey, you’re here.” he blinks. eyes falling down the drip of water going down your arm.

you smile, “hi, i am.” gesturing to the insane amount of things he’d made during your twenty minute shower, “jason this is a lot of food you know.”

“i know i just wasn’t sure if you preferred sweet or savoury for breakfast, so i thought i’d make both.” nervously scratching at the back of his head.

staring from eye to eye, you grin, “that’s sweet of you. thank you.”

he watches you for another minute, biting his lip slightly before lunging forward to pull out your chair, “please.”

you thank him again and take your seat before looking around the room. “so, where’s gray?”

jason just shrugs like he didn’t even consider his brother, “who knows. i don’t think he came home last night.” putting food onto your plate for you and pushing an insane stack of pancakes in your way too.

you look over the stack and laugh, “i hope you’re helping with this.”

“of course i am.” he pull out his own chair and puts it right next to yours.

“i should probably call him though and see where he is.”

jason nods, “i texted him but he hasn’t responded yet. why don’t we call him after you eat ma?”

betraying warmth pools in your belly again and you nod back before taking your fork and digging in. to no surprise jason seasoned everything perfectly and topped it off pretty with fruits sliced separately for you to put onto your pancakes. all you could think about while eating was how considerate he was.

after eating and thanking him, you find him staring before reaches over to touch you. instinctively you move back little.

though he doesn’t look annoyed or angry with you moving and instead, he smiles. “you got a little syrup on your cheek,” his hand still reaching out.

you move to touch your own cheek but don’t feel the sticky substance until he smiles and leans closer to wipe it from the other side. “there,” thumb brushing over your cheek.

you smile back, the sweet taste still on your tongue, “pretty sure you just spread it around if anything.”

“hmm, well i’m pretty sure you didn’t want my spit on your cheek,” he muses, hand still lingering there.

you’re about to counter, about to say that you wouldn’t mind when your phone rings. you jerk back and pick it up to answer the call—it’s grayson. you answer while jason settles back in his seat and licks off his thumb. you try not to look.

“hey gray,” you start, “where are you?”

he sighs loudly, “i’m at the frat house.”

you furrow your brows and turn to jason to see if he heard but he didn’t. instead, he’s got a fork in his full mouth, looking up at you as though he’d done something wrong when he was just eating. you stiffle a laugh and return your attention to grayson.

“okay,” you speak a little slower, “why are you at the frat house?”

there’s distant yelling on the other end, “christ, wally, put it in the fucking backyard not the living room you idiot!” then shuffling and a door slam, “sorry. some idiot threw a chair into our window and now there’s glass shattered everywhere.”

“oh,” you say while pushing the food on your plate, “do you want us to come help you?”

grayson sighs, “no, no, it’s fine. the guys planned another party for tomorrow night so i have to stay and figure this shit out. don’t worry about it.”

but of course, you were worried. grayson doesn’t like admitting he needs help, he just does things until they fall apart or fix themselves. plus, the background noises and the crunching sounds of glass told you, he needed help.

you look over to jason again, whose got his eyes trained on you and his head in his hands, focused on you like the prettiest thing in the room.

your lips part, “we’ll be back by tonight.”

though jason doesn’t protest or criticize. he heard few and far words from your conversation but he’s been living at that frat house long enough to know when something’s gone wrong.

instead he takes your hand from the dinner table to kiss the palm and you’re stuck wondering why you pretended to hate him in the first place.

it felt weird walking into the frat house with jason since the last time.

showing back up at the frat house two days before reading week ends wasn’t how you were expecting the week to end. grayson told you before that there’s usually some spontaneous party being held at random. though tonight, it was just the guys there, sitting around while you and jason walked in.

you catch roy wiggling his eyebrow at jason while he’s sat on the couch. grayson is too busy watching the repairman put up the glass to notice you walk in. hal smiles too, vaguely trailing his gaze up your figure before meeting your eyes. you don’t think much of it, but you continue to drag your lug yourself inside even though jason was holding both of your bags.

with one hand holding the two bags and his other heavy palm on the small of your back, jason leans down to speak in your ear.

“i’m gonna take our stuff upstairs. you can stay here tonight.”

you don’t protest, just nod and watch as he retreats up the steps. shrugging your coat off and hanging it up in the closet by the door before an annoyingly familiar voice creeps up behind you and he pokes at your side.

“sooo, it worked huh.” roy grins when you turn, “you guys dating again?”

you roll your eyes, “we’re not dating. we never really were and you know that asshole.”

“dating, hooking up, isn’t it all the same shit?” he says while walking with you towards the kitchen.

“it’s truly a wonder you’re single,” you sigh, sitting up on the stool.

roy opens the fridge and hands you a beer to which you stare at and then him. “what? don’t girls like beer?”

“coors light, yeah i’m good roy. thanks though.” pushing it back towards him.

“okay miss bossy,” ignoring your glare, “i finished my part. i added it to document last night so it’s all good and done.”

you genuinely smile, “wow, i’m surprised i didn’t have to beat it out of you.”

he frowns, “come on you gotta give me more credit. i got you and jason back together.”

“and, you ruined it.” sliding off your stool to leave the kitchen.

roy just laughs from behind you, cracking open the beer he gave you and saying your name, “you’ll thank me one day!”

sliding open the back door, you step outside to the backyard.

the frat house was always loud and packed. people drinking, smoking, and listening to music that could make your ears bleed after exposure too long. though it was really beautiful. the water was always blue and clean, chlorine mixed in at the perfect amount. grayson did a good job at keeping the place tidy after parties and prides himself on having the best rated frat house on campus.

you sit on the new patio set, that was paid for with bruce’s card no doubt, and listen to the soft sloshing of the water. until l the door slides open and hal comes outside.

“hey, how was your reading week?”

you turn your head still resting on the headrest and hum, “good, barely got any work done though.”

he laughs and sits next to you, “me neither. going to the cottage with the guys was a terrible idea.”

you laugh too, “you said you’re trying to get into aerospace engineering and need to study but then you’re hanging out with the least academically inclined people.”

scratching at his head, he kicks his feet up, “i know right. i’m an oxymoron without the oxy.”

his corny joke still makes you laugh cause you were in such a good mood. then he turns to you a little more and you can’t put your finger on it but something in the air shifts.

“i should’ve hung out with you, maybe some of your smarts would’ve rubbed off on me.” leaning close enough for you to see the size of his pupils.

you stammer a bit, “well i was with grayson and jason. you could’ve came if you wanted to. maybe then i could’ve gotten some work done.”

hal flashes a smile and retreats back a little, “right, i forgot you were with them.”

“yeah, why is that a problem?” you tease.

“no,” he shrugs, “i just didn’t know you and jason were back together.”

your stomach twists then because, you weren’t technically together. jason didn’t ask you out or confirm anything with you. so without thinking about what it meant by saying it out loud, you shake your head and look to hal, hesitant in your tone.

“we were never really together.”

he seems to light up a bit, “no? i thought you guys were dating, even today you came together.”

you shrug, thinking about his hand on the small of your back before remembering how he hadn’t labelled anything. “we’re just friends.”

“okay now that’s gotta be bull,” he says your name, “i saw you guys making out on the couch a couple weeks ago.”

a breathless sigh escapes you at the thought, “yeah but,” you weren’t really his, “we just hooked up. we were never together.”

the moment hangs for a split second before he’s nodding and the corners of his lips turn upwards.

“so you’re free then?” he says suddenly.

you hum, “free? free for what?”

“to go on a date,” he adds with a dangerously flashy smile, “with me.”

stunned by his sudden words, your lips part and shut again. a small sound of confusion slips past your lips before you laugh. “you’re serious?”

blinking rapidly, he scratches at his brows, “i am.” furrowing them when you laugh, “is that funny?”

“it’s just kinda sudden, no?” you nervously laugh again.

hal shakes his head, “nah i don’t think so. i’ve liked you for a while. since grayson brought you here. and then when you brought pastries that day, i kinda thought about it more. now you’re single and it feels like a sign, doesn’t it?”

you search his eyes for honesty when he smiles with them.

with a little tilt of his head, he tries again, “you are single right? so won’t you go out with me?”

the conversation you had with jason distinctly replays and the lack of definition in your relationship was deafening. you weren’t dating.

what were you waiting for exactly?

jason wasn’t yours and you were definitely not his. though you like jason, there was no label, no sense of entitlement and no reason to tell hal no. especially not now that you’d told him you weren’t dating jason and only been hooking up.

do you really owe jason anything?

how do you fix what you already knew he was capable of doing to you?

after all of that, all of the shit and the embarrassment he put you through, why are you still holding that burden?

you’re nodding before you even say anything, “yeah, sure. that sounds good.”

“great,” hal smiles, before going on about some places he had in mind.

a couple arcades and cafes across campus that would be nice to go to. but you’re too zoned out and the uncertainty seemed to keep you from saying anything other than nodding along and adding a couple of that sounds good, to the conversation. you didn’t hear the screen door open just a crack, and you didn’t see the figure standing there with two drinks in his hand. you didn’t realize that jason had heard the whole conversation and that when hal had asked you out, you’d agreed. you didn’t even hear when he slid the door back shut and went inside, to give you space.

but what you definitely didn’t hear was the sound of his heart shattering all over again.

as if every part of him had grown, he laid his weight just over you, not crushing but enough that you could feel the difference. his heavy palms pushing your legs over your shoulders, pressing down like he belonged there. his lips trailing over the shell of your ear, praising you for taking him like this. for letting him in so deep. grabbing at your thighs and just pushing them higher and higher. he always loved a mean mating press when he was bulking. and fuck, so did you, mewling when he buried himself to the hilt. scratching at his back when he folded you just right. crying out his name with every movement he made because it was just so damn good.

the first time, he looked at you wide eyed, pulled back a little just to make sure he wasn’t hurting you. repeatedly asking, “is that painful?” and “i’m so sorry sweets, we can stop.”

to which you immediately wrapped your legs around his waist, his stomach slightly poking out and hugging your chest. looking up at him with tears in your eyes, but definitely not because you wanted him to stop, “no! it’s good, it’s really…really good,” biting your bottom lip.

he still looked at you sideways and decided to let you on top, thinking giving you a little more control might be nice. then you straddled him, holding onto his big beefy shoulders, and struggling to take him all inside without his help. you let out sharp involuntary whines. bouncing and squeezing him tightly within your slick walls. he cups your ass and keeps you still.

“baby, are you sure you’re okay?” he asks again, ever the sweet man he was.

you nod again, leaning down in exhaustion and slight humiliation for being unable to handle him on your own.

breathing his name out softly, “it’s perfect, you’re perfect. i just need your help.”

he knows it too, nodding and helping you back onto the mattress. taking his time at first, slowly easing you into it. then when he finally gets you under him again and he realizes that you really couldn’t fit him all on your own, he smiles. he doesn’t just give you that same charming and cheeky smile, but he gives you one reminiscent of the devil that finally gets you to give in to temptation. when he finally sees how much you like him like this, he’s entirely feral.

“fucking love this don’t you?” he groans out, heavy and tender in his thrusts, “you’re so sexy, fuck, i’ll bulk all the time if you like it this much,”

lips attaching to your jaw, kissing and sucking harder than he usually does. one hand kneading your breasts like damn stress balls and you can’t help it, moaning out like a pornstar.

he laughs at your neediness, “feel good sweetheart? feels good when i’m riiight,” dragging his palm up your stomach and touching the spot he repeatedly hits over and over, “here.”

then he’ll manhandle you onto your stomach, pulling you up by your hips and have you arch just right for him. he used the opportunity to slip back inside with ease and drive himself back home. his groans are even more animalistic, panting harder and gripping tight in a way that you knew would leave bruises. but you didn’t care. you couldn’t care less if anything and all he wanted was to make you feel good, repeating what he notices you like.

when he pulls you up so your back is to his chest, you mewl his name and wrap his arm around your neck. he understands it immediately, keeping you in a headlock and fucking into you deeper. watching your face contort into blissful pleasure and moaning with you because all it did was drive him wilder.

it’s too much and not enough at the same time. you have nothing to say, no words to express how he was making you feel. all you could do was claw at his forearms and push back into him, chanting his name like prayer, over and over.

he hisses dirty words just by your ear, leaving open mouthed kisses along the side of your face, “gonna fuck you so dumb, you know that? imma ruin you pretty baby.”

god, you loved bulking season.

tugging on the drawstrings of his sweatpants while he moans lowly into your mouth. he shuts the door with one arm while the other holds you up against him. he knows you don’t like to touch communal spaces, no matter how clean your gym may be. so jason holds you up against him, pulling your weight back into him over and over. moving your hips until you’re grinding back against him while his hands on your hips keep you firmly planted there. though he second guesses himself still and he watches you intensely.

“are you sure you’re good ma? we can go home.”

you shake your head vigorously, tugging at the hair on the nape of his neck to bring his mouth closer to yours. “i’m not waiting jay.”

when you fucked like this, it was an out of body experience.

mostly because jason held your weight and his own like no problem and there was nothing to dwell on but how it felt. he places a large palm over your mouth when he guides his length through your soaked folds. dragging it up and teasing before pushing inside like he belonged. he let you moan into his hand and watched your eyes roll back in your skull. he shushes you by your ear.

“i know baby, i know.” groaning out quietly as he prods to fit himself in. “fuck— you’re so tight.”

tears prickling at your eyes already, you shake your head slowly while his hips make slow circling movements. “it’s cause you’re so big.”

jason smiles wide, hips thrusting a little meaner as he watches you try grind back against him, but still not to the hilt yet. “yeah? i’m big? but you like that shit don’t you?”

you’re nodding through the haze of pleasure, nails gripping his back as he continue fucking you through it slowly. not even fully inside, giving half just to pull it away. like being manhandled in the gentlest way possible. his strength unmatched and his body intentional, grinding his hips back into you over and over just feeding a few inches before taking it away. waiting to see you whisper in his ear that you need more, desperation evident.

then he waits until he sees the tears by your eyes start to dissipate before he gives you anymore. feeding another inch inside, his eyes drop to watch him split you open. though even after taking him before this, you weren’t used to his size.

“jay, it’s too much.” you gasp out, the feeling overwhelming. “it won’t fit.” too much and not enough at the same time.

“you’ve done this before ma.” jason tsks, “and said you could handle it. so you can take it hmm?”

his voice deliciously sensual already. you cave immediately. your lip trembles and you nod to let him continue. immediately you moan out loud enough for someone to hear and jason clasps his palm right over your mouth again. but he doesn’t coo you through it, his eyes stay piercing yours while his rhythm picks up and he pushes himself deeper. choking on his own spit at how you felt around him, his hold on you remained tight. he stays buried for a minute to stare at you, watch you catch your breath and adjust to his size.

“can you move please?” you’ll ask breathlessly and he’ll shake his head.

“remember what i said baby. deep breaths.” mimicking what he meant, he watches you. breathing deep and letting it out harshly. when you copy him he smiles. “there you go ma.”

then he shifts his hips again and you lose your train of thought. more intense than it usually is, every movement he makes feels like it drags through you. like you’re pulsating around him and he purposefully continues. but his hands still on your mouth when he realizes that you’re close and he pushes further like he could reach the depths of you. kissing your cervix effortlessly while he turns your head to bite at his shoulder. cause it only felt like the good kind of pain, he’d say.

jason would feel his high approaching and whisper sweet nothings in your ear, reminding you how much he loves you like he wasn’t taking you apart without breaking a sweat, yet. his flush tip with the perfect curve, hitting sweet spots everytime. it was a good idea to make you bite down on something.

groaning into your hair, he lifts you sloppily up and down on him, creating the perfect friction. he almost whines when you clamp around him and whisper that you can’t hold on.

he pants by your ear and his voice is huskier than when he’s not like this. “gonna fuck you so full. take you again when we’re home.”

entirely feral just as you are for him, jason caves and sputters when you wrap your legs around him tighter. he’s just as gone as you and you’re practically begging him to follow through on his words. when you finally let go, that’s when he does too. shooting rope after rope and painting you deep from the inside. like the most beautiful and precious thing he’d ever held, he holds you through it.

his hips with a mind of his own, continuing to thrust up into even when your legs wobble around him. he keeps one arm around your waist, firm and stable while the other rests on the wall to keep him upright as he loses himself completely. still sloppily pushing back into you when you whimper and drop your head against his. that’s when he finally stills and pulls your hair gently, just enough to see your face again.

then he kisses you with all the sweetness the world has to offer. he deepens it as he eases you with both arms now, and keeps your legs around him so you don’t fall. letting lips trail down to your neck to leave gentle bites.

when the door gets knocked on hard, the voice that followed made both of your faces burn. suddenly it occurs to both of you that anyone could’ve heard you. roy’s voice is whisper yelling but you’re sure anyone could’ve heard him with how thin the walls are.

“please stop fucking so i can change outta my trunks. i’m chafing over here.”