GNARLY

December 2016 - Until now, I am a designer and programmer of works and infrastructure plans within the Engineering Department, for the Local Government Unit, with the title - Engineer I.

February 2022, I was appointed Division Chief in Processing, same department.

I was not only transported and became head of another division, I still work in the Design and Planning Division as Engineer I. At the moment, I have two designations, Engineer I and Head of the Processing Division.

Everything's fine until I realize I was doing a job of two on a salary of one. A pompous department head with a lack of accountability behind my back, and condescending colleagues under my command.

There wasn't any transition, I was starting from scratch. Not everybody is supportive, some were always trying to pursue my new position for themselves. Many senior colleagues were equally skeptical of me being their leader at a young age.

I never doubted myself I could not do this because I always come through. However, not everyone is aware of that. My boss still tells me to run the team, but every time I try, he doesn't take my opinions into account. He also appointed somebody else to watch over my office in case I was busy doing my other works in the Design and Planning Division. Hypocrisy is a serious disease within our office.

I am under the impression that my voice is not heard enough, and now, instead of being motivated to be better at what I do, I feel like I'm losing the will to fight.

It's like they gave me the job so I could be a puppet for someone else. I'm not mad, I just hope they took better care of me if they want me to be the face of a whole division. If they are trying to mislead people, they should exclude me because I have been able to see through them since day 1.

Tired, unappreciated and unrecognized for my abilities is what I feel, but the more they make me feel this bad, the more reason for me not to waive this position. I feel scared and challenged at the same time. It's depressing and exciting because my comfort zone is broken, but new doors are unlocking.

Maybe I'm ready, maybe I'm not. Nevertheless, I would like to be more courageous as I work my way down in this new direction.

You know what? I’ve been trying so hard to be this bigger person by saying, “I’m fine with what happened”, “I moved on.”, “I understand you.”, “You don’t have to explain yourself.”, “I’m fine”, “I’m okay.”, “I’m not really that affected.”, “I don’t hate you”, “I’m not mad.” because in reality? I do hate you for what you did. Want me to elaborate? No, you don’t have to answer because I’ll tell it anyway.

First of all, Hi Noel, yes you, my grade-school crush, my first boyfriend, my first kiss, my first heartbreak and also the guy who is now dating my best friend. I admit I broke up with you because of my own flaws and bad decisions. I get it. I know y’all blame me for what happened and I accepted all of the backlash with my heads up. I apologized. However, do you know what made me hate you? I hate you for telling your friends that I cheated on you when I really didn’t. Guys texted me and I replied, yea probably a wrong move when you are in a relationship but if that’s “cheating” for you then you better explain it to them. I didn’t go out or meet guys when we were together, you should’ve known I’m not that type of person. I hated you for making me look like the bad girl when 2 mos after our break up you dated my best friend. And you tell everybody that we’ve been apart for 6 mos. already. WOW. OKAY! I GET IT. YEAH. I hate you for making me feel like I was the one who loved less in our relationship. I loved you so much I was not able to move one for 3 yrs. I’m not even over reacting. And I hate you for it. 

Second, Kevin, you sneaky motherfcker. I’m just here to tell you how I fckin hate your guts. I hate that you keep talking to other girls in the span of our 2 years relationship and I even hated myself more for letting them go after all your constant apologies. I hate you for sleeping with one of my close friend. I hate you for seeing her behind my back. I hate you for calling me a whore. You of all people had the face to tell me that? You are a hypocrite. I fcking hate you!! I hate myself for letting you toxic my life for 2 years. I hated that you never gave me flowers. I hate you for breaking my heart multiple times. I hate you for making me do a lot of things that I regretted doing. I hate you the most.

Third, Geoff, yes.Did you find your balls yet? Because I’m sure as hell you lost yours before. You knew I like you. I told you I like you. But you made me fall for you harder and flirted with me like the little bitch you are. We went out for coffees on random nights and on Christmas Day. I hate you for leaving me high and dry on my feelings. I hated you for letting me see you hold her hands in the lobby of our hotel room in Baguio. I hate you for making me feel like I’m not good enough because I am! I hate you because people comforted me, people I’m not even close with, people who thought we were together. I hate you for making me feel bad about myself, for feeding my low self-esteem. Then after all those mos... I hate you for telling your friends that, “Hindi ko naman siya pinaasa. Umasa lang siya mag-isa.”. I hate you for cleaning your name by not being responsible for my heartbreak. I hated your weak ass. 

However, I’ve learned a lot from all these hates and heartbreaks. Right now, Im starting to realize my worth after all of those years of suffering from all your BS. Don’t get me wrong tho, I’ve had my fair share of happy moments with you guys, but since my topic is my hate for you, do bear with it. 

And lastly, I’ll make sure not to be a prisoner of love and learn to say, “No, what you are doing is not alright to me.”. I won’t let anyone do me real shit like you did. 

PS: to my readers. I’m sorry for using curse words and crappy sentences. I promise to turn this hate article into something worth reading and more civilized, soon. as for now, bear with me on this. 

Love

The Guy I loved (My first love)   The way he looked from when I first saw him never changed. He was the guy everybody like. The guy who never looked my way. That cheeky boy who keeps smiling whenever I say "Hi". He was also that guy who asks for help, So he can be with the girl He like.   I tried to be his friend and luckily we did became one. I was contented with how we are. I expected nothing more from it. Then, years of being close friends passed and I still like him. "He will not know about my feelings. It'll just ruin us." I thought. So I hid it somewhere inside me.   However, God must really like me... Sometime during High school he started showing affection. "Did he know I adored him since we were 8?" I asked myself. I started to panic. If this is true, what should I do? If not, well, then I'm only fooling myself.   "I'll give you the stars, you only need to ask." He said. I can feel my heart flutter; butterflies in my stomach. I kind of figured that he is not playing around. He then asked me if I could date him. Imagine the fireworks and flowers in my heart. I said yes and life after that was amazing.   I've always waited for him. I thought I was just delusional. But, thank God I was not. "I think I really love you." He said. He kissed me passionately. I can feel my heart beating out of my body. He was everything I thought he would be.   He was like the smell of Christmas day. He was the answer to all the Math problems. I was not me without him. He was my support, My friend, my teacher, my knight in shining armor, My lover, and I was happy.   -Haru (L. G. Fajardo)

The guy I thought I loved (The rebound)   I was torn. I was empty. My heart was shattered everywhere. I needed love. I needed someone. And he was there.   He patched me up with his corny jokes. Turn me back to the happy person I was once. He gave me hope and I started to trust him. He is so laid back, it's inviting. He got me all frisky with his words, That things became so fast paced between us.   Feelings started to show up. "I'll bring you home." he said every night we're together. He didn't made me feel alone at the moment And everything feels right again. "Maybe he's the one I was asking for." I thought. Maybe I'm ready for a new love now.   "I love you so much I wish you're the one for good" he said. His words were never heavy when he said it, but I finally felt love again. Everything was going great; Until I became infatuated It was too late when I realized what was happening.   I thought it was because I love him so bad. I thought I didn't want to lose him because I love him. Maybe I was wrong, maybe I'm reading things too much. But the answers and signs kept piling up. Then I realized one important thing and I know I was done for good. "I was just afraid of the idea of me being alone again."   Then there it was.. The flaws, the difference, and the trust issues. All of the things I tried to ignore before, came to me. My paradise was just a trouble I caused myself, and we fell apart. I tried, but I can't at that time. I was not able to love him back.   -Haru (L. G. Fajardo)

The guy I almost loved (The one that got away)   I saw you that time during my first year in college And I think you're really cute. I asked for your name, I dreamed of you that day. But they said you have a girlfriend I said, Well f*ck.   4 years passed, you still haven't graduated But now you are single. We became classmate and we had mutual friends. The world felt small for the both of us. Last time I wasn't even in your radar Now I'm already in your world and you in mine.   We started having late night talks We had sweet talks, small talks and talks that matter. And my feelings for you progressed At first It was all fun, but it grows deeper as it lasts. You are the risk I'm willing to make. I am sure then that I like you very much.   You said I was special and I believed it. We went on small coffee dates, And I thought we already have something. I poured my thoughts out to you because you make me comfortable But you said you need to finish college first That "dating" is not in your plans yet.   I thought I'd wait. I was foolish and it hurts. I pretended that I was fine with everything. You didn't stop showing sweet gestures and words. And in those words there was hope. It made me think that all we need is the perfect time.   But I was wrong.   All of it were just false hopes. It was too late for me to see between the lines. That you, you like somebody else. This made me question a lot of stuff, but one thing is for sure... I was heartbroken.   I could fall in love with you I was actually half way there. But when I saw you hold her hand and make her feel special I was devastated. It hurts more than it should. Then I thought... Love isn't complicated, people are.     -Haru (L. G. Fajardo)

I still cry when I think abt how much I studied for that exam and the results didn’t payed off. My confidence went downhill from there.