Oh, ya know

Mia never had an answer when people asked her why she did it. She knew it frustrated her therapist. They definitely thought she was lying. She honestly didn’t know. Not really.

Things just built up and built up until there wasn’t anything else for her to do.

She had been clean from cutting for two years. She had a job that gave her purpose. She had a boyfriend who loved her and took care of her. Her life was, for the most part, going well.

But depression doesn’t care.

It just seeps into every crevice of your brain.

It coats everything in its oily residue.

She sat on the edge of her tub, a razor in her hand. A red drop fell to the tile floor. She watched it spread out against the white surface.

She had stopped crying an hour ago.

The wounds on her thigh pulsed with a warm ache. Maybe she did it so there was physical pain to match her mental anguish, she thought.

“Mia?” Jack’s voice made her jump. She hadn’t heard the front door. She knew she should move. She needed to hide the evidence of her weakness. She couldn’t get her body to move. She couldn’t get herself to want to.

“Honey?” The knock on the bathroom door shook her awake enough to start to panic. He would leave, she was sure of it. She was always too much for people.

“Can I come in?” There was a tightness in his voice, like he was worried.

“I’m fine.” Her voice cracked, giving her away.

“I’d like to see you. I’ve been trying to call you.” Jack always texted halfway through his shift if they weren’t working together. He liked checking in. He liked having a moment to think of her in the midst of the chaos.

“I….um….” She wanted to scream. She wanted to cry out for him to save her. She was scared.

“Mia, I’m going to open the door.” He was firm in a way that told her he was scared, too.

The door creaked open. Jack stood in his black scrubs. His eyes flashed with fear at the sight of blood coming from Mia. He didn’t immediately register the type of wound, just that there was one. He rushed forward, and the light caught the razor in her hand. He flinched back, realizing the situation he was now in.

“Baby…” His voice was soft and quiet.

“I’m sorry.” The words were shy and small as the tears started flowing down Mia’s cheeks.

“No, it’s okay. It’s okay, Honey.” Jack reached up to wipe the tears from her face.

“I don’t…I don’t know why…I just couldn’t stop myself.” Mia shook.

“I’m going to take the razor, okay?” Jack slowly took the offending sharp object from her hand, placing it on the counter.

“I don’t want to be like this!” Mia couldn’t stop the sobs tearing from her chest.

“I know. It’s okay. I’m going to help you.” Jack promised, sitting on the tub next to her. He gathered her in his arms, letting her soak his shirt.

They sat, clinging to each other, for twenty minutes before Mia caught her breath.

“I need to clean those cuts up. I’ll be right back. I’m going to grab my bag.” Jack kissed her forehead as he got up and rushed out of the room.

Mia watched the rivulet of blood stain her skin. The tender flesh was red and angry. Her anguish was turning to anger. She hated that she was like this. She hated herself. Her shaking hands hovered over the fresh wounds before slamming into it. It sent of shock of pain up her leg. She almost felt relieved. In her mind, she deserved the pain. She raised her hand again.

“Hey! Honey, don’t!” Jack ran over, taking her hand in his.

“I hate it! I hate me!” She cried, ripping her hand from Jack’s grip.

“I love you. You hear me? I love you. I’ll love you, even if you can’t love yourself. I’m going to figure out how to get you through this.” He promised without a second thought.

“I don’t deserve you.” Mia couldn’t look at him.

“You deserve me and more. You deserve happiness. We’ll get there.” Jack wanted her to see herself the way he saw her. To him, she was the greatest person on the planet.

“I’m going to clean your legs up. It might sting.” Jack started focusing on the medicine. He knew exactly how to fix that part. He cleaned the wounds, bandaged her legs, made sure she was safe.

“I’m so tired.” Mia mumbled.

“I know.” Jack brushed the hair from her face. “Let’s go to bed. Tomorrow, we’ll figure out what to do.”

“…okay.” Mia nodded. Jack stood up and offered her his hand. She took it and leaned into him as they fumbled toward the bed.

You decided it was better to rip the band-aid off and get it over with.

You climbed out of the bed and were reminded that you were in his clothes.

“Fuck.” You sighed.

You carefully padded out toward the sounds of dishes. Jack was standing in the kitchen. He was chopping vegetables as something sizzled in the pan. The smell of fresh coffee almost made you weep. A floorboard creaked under your foot, alerting Jack to your presence.

“Morning.” He tried to not laugh at you. “Um…bathroom is down the hall. Might want to freshen up.”

“Huh?” You looked at him confused.

“You have mascara running down your face.” He smirked.

“Oh my god!” you screeched as you ran back towards the bathroom.

Sure enough, when you looked in the mirror, tear tracks of black ran down your face. You looked like you were trying to be a member of KISS. You cursed yourself as you washed your face. The soap stung your chin.

Once you were satisfied with how you looked, as best as you could in these circumstances, you went back out. Jack was plating up two omelets.

“You’re not allergic to anything, right?” He asked as he brought the plates to the dining table.

“Uh, no. Not that I’m aware of.” You mumbled as you walked over. “You made me breakfast?”

“You seemed like you were probably going to need it.” He shrugged as he went back to the kitchen.

You watched him pour two mugs full of coffee. He put cream and sugar into one cup, setting it in front of you.

“You remember how I take my coffee?”

“Yeah. I also know Shen’s, and Ellis’. I know the whole night shift at this point. We drink so much of this shit.” He sat across from you.

“I’m not used to being noticed, I guess.” You sipped the coffee. It was damn good coffee.

“Well, people notice you. Trust me.” Jack started shoving food into his mouth.

“I’m really sorry about last night-”

“If you let that omelet get cold, I’ll be furious. I fucking slaved over that shit.” Jack cut you off. He was uninterested in unnecessary apologies.  

“Right. Sorry.” You smiled as you started eating.

“Red, I’m glad you felt safe enough with me to call me. I tell you guys to call me whenever you need anything. I fucking mean it. I’d rather you be drunk and asleep in my guest room than with some stranger.” Jack said.

“I know. I don’t like bothering people.” You shrugged.

“Who’s bothered? Am I bothered? I couldn’t give less of a shit that you slept here last night!” Jack chuckled.

“Point made! I give in.” You laughed. “Still, I definitely asked some personal shit last night. It was out of line. I’m sorry.”

“You need to stop apologizing so much. Like I told you last night, if I didn’t want to answer you, I wouldn’t. You have nothing to worry about.” He sipped his coffee.

“Thank you for saving me. I don’t usually have such crazy nights.” You shook your head, upset by the events of your night out.

“I didn’t do any saving. Just got you to bed. You handled yourself. Wish I could have seen what Casey looked like.” He snorted.

“God, what a bitch. I can’t believe she’d pull that shit. I knew she was kind of dumb, but I didn’t realize how fucking stupid she was.” You growled as you drank more of your coffee.

“Alcohol tends to show people’s true colors. Stupid people get stupider.”

“This is why I don’t go out. It’s never worth it.” You aggressively shoved a forkful of omelet in your mouth.

“Protecting your peace is important. So is having fun. I wouldn’t avoid going out because of one night.” Jack watched as the anger turned to hurt.

“Maybe.” You shrugged.

The table fell into a comfortable silence as you ate. You almost forgot how embarrassed you were. You almost forgot you were still in Jack’s clothes.

“Oh my god, I’m in your clothes!” you squeaked.

“Yeah. I washed your dress, but I don’t think that pink is coming out.” Jack chuckled as he got up. “You can wear those when you leave. Just bring ‘em back on your next shift.”

“Are you sure?”

“You going to walk around Pittsburgh naked?” Jack came walking back in with your ruined dress.

“I’d rather not.” You sighed, taking the destroyed fabric from him.

“Okay then.” He sat back down to his coffee.

“Man, I really liked that dress.” You shook your head, disappointed again.

“It was nice. Looked nice.” Jack mumbled.

“Cost way too much money, too. I should send Casey the bill.” You growled.

“You should.” Jack nodded. “Make her pay, literally.”

You finished breakfast with idle chitchat. Jack kept a close eye on you. It was as if he were waiting for some breakdown that never came. You were fairly decent at regulating your emotions. You’d cry about your friend in the comfort of your own home.

“I’ll get out of your hair. I’ve overstayed my welcome.” You said.

“You haven’t. But, if you want to go home, that’s fine. I’ll drive you.” Jack said, getting up. He took the plate before you could grab it to help him.

“I can take the bus. It’s fine.” You argued.

“Don’t be stupid. I had every intention of driving you.” Jack stood over you with crossed arms.

“Fine. I can see arguing will get me nowhere.” You chuckled. “I should strip the linens.”

“Don’t worry about the linens.” Jack rolled his eyes.

“I…drooled on your pillow.” Your face grew warm with embarrassment.

“I know.” Jack said.

“What?”

“I checked on you during the night. Wanted to make sure you were still breathing and you were drooling all over the place.” He shrugged.

“Oh my god!” You buried your face in your hands.

“It’s just drool! We work in an ER. I have seen and dealt with much worse. Your drool does not faze me.” Jack chuckled, pulling your hands away from your face.

“I never act like this! I never get myself into these situations! Of course when I do, you’re nice about it!”

“Are you mad that I was nice?” He cocked his head to the side.

“No! It just makes the embarrassment worse! You’re so nice! Your house is nice! You made me breakfast! You’re driving me home! I’m a mess!” The emotional regulation was suddenly out the window.

“Take a breath.” Jack put his hands on your shoulders. “You didn’t do anything to be embarrassed about. I’m not upset. I’m not judging you. You need to relax.”

“I feel stupid.” You sighed.

“You’re not. I’m going to grab your things and we can go. Will you be okay on your own for a second, or should I expect another meltdown?” There was a twinkle of mischief in his eye that made a giggle want to bubble up from your chest.

“I’ll be okay.” You smiled. “Sorry.”

“Stop apologizing, Red.” He scoffed as he walked off.

You sat at the table, a swirl of ten different emotions wreaking havoc on your hungover brain. You weren’t sure where to start when Jack came back in, a hand on your shoulder as he handed you your bag. He smelled nice.

“Thanks.” You muttered as you shuffled to the door and pulled on your heels from the night before. It was certainly a look. Your sparkly heels stood out against the basketball shorts and Nirvana shirt.

“Hell of a look.” Jack chuckled as he opened the passenger door of his Jeep.

“I’m never living this down.” You grumbled as you climbed in.

“Never. Put your address into the GPS.” He turned the car on.

“My key! I never found-”

“In your bag. I went looking, figured they were probably buried under something. I was right.” Jack smirked.

“You’re not supposed to go through a woman’s bag.” You scowled as you typed in your address.

“Well, you didn’t seem to have enough of your faculties to look under all your shit in that thing. I made a judgement call.” He shrugged.

You were surprised that you lived so close to Jack. The drive was only fifteen minutes. Your apartment building was on the nicer side of things, not luxury by any means. Jack pulled the Jeep into a parking spot and parked.

“Thanks again.” You smiled.

“Any time, Red. Maybe try some nicer friends next time.” Jack smirked.

“If there is a next time.” You shuddered at the thought.

“Maybe I’ll have to take you out. Show you how to have fun.” Jack said. You turned to look at him, your neck almost cracking with the speed of it. You tried to find some semblance of a joke in his features, but couldn’t.

“Do you want to meet my cat?” You blurted out. You internally kicked yourself. You didn’t know why that was the thing that came out of your mouth.

“Uh…you have a cat?” Jack asked.

“Yeah. He’s a tabby. Found him in a dumpster when he was a kitten.” You gave a nervous chuckle.

“Sure. Why not?” Jack climbed out of the Jeep.

You were very nervous suddenly. The thought of Jack being in your apartment seemed like a bigger event than you were prepared for. You also weren’t sure what the state of your apartment was. It’d been a minute since you’d deep-cleaned.

You opened the door and were grateful that it wasn’t a complete mess.

“I’d say sorry for the mess, but it usually looks like this.” You gave a nervous chuckle.

“Doesn’t seem messy to me.” Jack said.

“You’re such a liar.” You scoffed as you threw your bag on the kitchen counter.

The sound of a bell jingling came from the bedroom. Your tabby cat came prancing into the room.

“Hey, big guy.” You bent down and gathered him in your arms. He rubbed his hand against your chin and you winced.

“He’s fucking huge.” Jack laughed.

“Yeah. Didn’t know he’d be twenty pounds when I found him. He fit in my two hands when I brought him home.” You kissed the top of his head.

“What’s his name?” Jack asked.

“Pickle. His head was stuck in one of those bagged pickles.” You laughed.

“Rough start, dude.” Jack put his hand out and Pickle sniffed it before bumping his head against him.

“He’s pretty affectionate. Likes to get into trouble. All in all, a good guy.” You put him back on the floor.

“At least you have one good guy around.” Jack smiled as he watched Pickle rub against his leg.

“Well, two. You and him.” Your face grew warm again.

“So, I’m a good guy?” Jack cocked an eyebrow.

“Jack, come on.” You scoffed.

“It’s nice to hear.” He hummed. “Well, I’ll leave you be. See you next shift.”

“Sure. Thanks. I’ll, uh, be waiting for that invite. You gotta show me how to fun, remember?” Your body was practically vibrating with anxiety.