sugar sweet

Well. Tonight has been eventful. A blocked me and then right after I found out M was only talking to me to sabatage A & I's relationship and to control him. It worked. She was also fucking someone while A was in the hospital for his suicide attempt. Ill never trust anyone again. To top it off, there's a cat 5 hurricane headed straight for me. Goodnight everyone!

I guess I can drop in for another update, haven't really been active for a week so might as well. A and I are friends now. He simply isn't able to give me what I need and it isn't fair for me to try to make him. A and M are no longer on speaking terms. I'm not sure what exactly happened, but I'm not going to pry. They've deleted each other on all social media and M doesn't speak to me at all anymore... When I told him I couldn't do it anymore because I was seeing him flirting around while not even acknowledging my existence, we got into a fight. Of course. He got mighty defensive but in the end we agreed that it is what it is and there's nothing either of us can do about it because while we both love each other soooo much, I want a relationship now and he doesn't and can't promise me one in the future. So really, it is what it is. That being said, now going back to before we had all of these problems when we were just flirty friends, we've been doing well. As friends. I miss being called baby and being told I'm so dang beautiful but it's whatever. We're playful again, talkative again, and there's not as much pressure anymore. We've established that we'll both always love each other but... sometimes love just isn't enough and that's the harsh reality of life. Idk what our future holds, I may even still move out to Portland, but as of right now I'm single and I'm not waiting for him again like I did before. I just can't. So if I find someone else, I find someone else. But no matter what I will literally always love him... that's just life I guess

Well. I'm about to tell A that I can't do this anymore. Haven't had any updates lately because he hasn't talked to me. He's talking to several other girls instead. And I know my worth, this isn't it. I was enjoying polyamory, I was enjoying having a meta. But nothing is the same anymore. There's a difference between polyamory and just flat out inability to commit to anything. I'm tired of not feeling good enough. I'm tired of feeling like no matter how hard I try, I can't get his attention or get any validation that I'm important to him. So I've had enough. I'm completely in love with him, but I don't deserve this. I'm not waiting around for him anymore. So this is it. Idk if it'll be the final update or not, probably not knowing me. But I'm seconds away from telling him. Wish me luck, I never leave anyone so this will be very difficult for me.