pétalos

Why should I tell you anything true? Why should I tell you anything?

And my heart, where have I wasted it?

I’m not tragic these days, I don’t weep, but I feel alone, bewildered, far from you, far from everything — nothing has any meaning.

There had been too much emotion, too much damage, too much everything.

I want so much that is not here and do not know where to go.

Thus I spoke, more and more softly; for I was afraid of my own thoughts and the thoughts behind my thoughts.

A hail of nervousness pours down upon me continuously. What I want one minute I don’t want the next.

I feel unspeakably lonely. And I feel - drained. It is a blank state of mind and soul I cannot describe to you as I think it would not make any difference. Also it is a very private feeling I have - that of melting into a perpetual nervous breakdown. I am often questioning myself what I further want to do, who I further wish to be; which parts of me, exactly, are still functioning properly. No answers, darling. At all.

It was hard to feel the right emotions at the right times. They didn’t come at all when you set a place for them, and they sacked when you weren’t ready, when you were just innocently flossing your teeth, for example, or eating a bowl of cereal.

More and more frequently the edges of me dissolve.

I don’t want to know. I don’t want to know anything anymore.

Forget everything. Open the windows. Clear the room. The wind blows through it. You see only its emptiness, you search in every corner and don’t find yourself.

I don’t know what’s the matter with me, why I’m so adept at distance, why I feel so remote from things, why life feels like a rumor.

I find that the only way to get through life is to picture myself in an entirely disconnected reality.

We must resist. We must refuse to disappear.