Wandering but not Lost

I feel alone..

And hurt.. and scared..

Like a injured dog..

You want to help, but you don't know how..

So you approach slowly, with your hands outstretched...

You have so much love to offer..

But I don't trust.. and I'm injured..

My wounds struck deep by another.. bleeding..

I react and lash out.. biting your hand..

And you do what is natural.. You withdraw..

And then you leave..

Leaving me alone.. to bleed and wander..

You knew I wasn't perfect when you offered your hand..

I was pretty and innocent and you wanted to help..

You wanted to love..

And I tried..

I tried so hard for you..

But those wounds I can not forget..

There is no fixing me..

I am lost...

But that's alright...

I am Polo...

My reality is spinning out of control..

I hate it.

Every moment of my existence feels like a waste of energy.

I am in pain..

I feel broken, useless and fragile..

I was hoping you would be there..

You said you would be..

My rock.

But my rock failed me.

It crumbled under the weight of my burdens..

I fell asleep and awoke to a new and uncertain place..

Like a post apocalyptic place..

Void of life, meaning or hope..

All I see right now is red..

And it wouldn't take much to make it go away..

My body is fragile and tired.. so is my heart.

Is it worth it to try to withstand the storm?

I am Polo.

Words on a piece of paper have never consumed so much of me..

The weight the ink bore was heavy.

Still sitting here.

Waiting for my name to be called.

My back against the wall.

My legs and fingers in a constant state of movement, to avoid my nerves getting the best of me.

My lip is red and raw from chewing on it.

I've been biting back the same tears for a half an hour now..

The hard wooden bench is sending shooting pain up my side. Old wounds. May never heal.

The clock behind me is setting every hair on the back of my neck straight up..

When he enters the room, I feel the icy cold creep up my legs and steal the very warmth from my heart.

Judgement shall be passed... swift and just..

Or at least..

I pray to the gods that it will be just..

When it's all said and done...

The sun is high in the sky...

My dog is racing around the park to his hearts content...

It's is peaceful..

The birds are chirping and my skin is warm..

The dark thoughts of the night before are behind me...

But one lingers.

It twists my gut and gnaws at my heart..

Amidst all the bright things..

Some things are missing...

I am lonely.

At the core I am lonely.

Nothing I am doing is going to fill that void..

What do you do..

When the distance is so great..

When the void feels bigger than the reach you are capable of..

When the obstacle is impassable...

I have no magic wand.. to wish it all away..

I dream of open wild flower fields and mountains far away..

All breathtaking.. but lonely with out you...

I feel you pulling away... a hard stop on ice..

Careful love... it's a steep slope..

Slippery and treacherous...

Are you taking me with you?..

Are you giving up now?...

What do we do Marco... the time to decide is now..

When the music stops making you lose yourself...

When the pencil sits on a blank page...

When the words just won't come out..

When you want to hear him but you're holding back.....don't press that button...

A silent scream of anguish...

The pain behind those eyes...

I never hated a mirror more...

Stop looking into me...

Why are my words failing me...

Why is my bravery leaving my chest..

Why is the music fading..

Old habits die hard..

Maybe just this once it can be a relief I won't regret..

Hold back..

Just awhile longer..

I can't seem to find the motivation right now..

I don't want to move.. my reality is failing me..