welcome friends

am i allowed to text friends i have not spoken to in awhile or will they gather and beat me with sticks send post

they're saying spending 2 hours in the word doc changing words slightly to be more specific and evocative and moving endless commas around is one of the most noble and respected things that you can do

I’d watch a show that’s just Mel, McKay and Santos chained to computers and forced to make small talk for HOURS!

Happy "Last Night Was Thursday" Friday, everyone

[I.D.: Two screenshots of Columbo. Text on the first reads 'Last night was Thursday. Thursday. Hmm.' Text on the second reads 'Today's Friday, right?'/end I.D.]

i am banned from eating my herring inside. they make me eat it on the smoking area by the loading dock, under the theory that it already smells bad there. but it was raining today which was preventing my breakfast, so i was feeling sad and hungry and then i realized that there was a large cardboard box in the dumpster from a previous delivery. like a fridge sized box. so i fished it out of the dumpster, then tipped it on its side and had a nice little cardboard cave to watch the rain and eat my fish in. which was a great experience. very soothing. very zen. at least until the security guard from the day before stepped outside to smoke. then i tried hiding from him by crawling deeper in the box, which unfortunately did not work. instead he saw a sort of damp sniveling pale hairless creature eating fish in a box, and delivered the verbal killshot of "good morning, mr. smeagol." which is how my day was ruined before 8 am.

you're not allowed to bring wireless devices into classified areas and a security guy noticed a square phone-ish shape in my pocket so he asked me to show him what it was and i had to show him my can of pocket herring :/

my mom told me my first word was camel

When i was a baby they would wash me outside because i stank

the amazing digital circus being kinda mainstream is crazy wdym i can be buying groceries and find caine from my existential horrors in the same aisle as the paw patrol toys.

early stages of friendship are Soooo embarrassing like yea sorry....... it's me again............ i enjoy talking to you and spending time with you....... you can shoot me point blank if you want i dont mind