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I’ve been crying for 28 hours straight.

I’ve been overthinking and reflecting for the past three weeks and just.. my head is so much clearer, really.

I’ve known what I needed to do.. for years.

But, now that it’s actually time.. it’s just.. I’m.. it’s overwhelming.

I’m drowning in fear, choking on anxiety but it’s because I’m gasping for freedom.. and it’s.. achievable.. it’s set to happen..

And that sounds kinda, sweet.. almost. Innocent. It’s been years since I’ve called you and actually *listened* to the voicemail, and I did it just now to hear it again (and get your attention).

But, while doing so..I got flooded back with so, so many memories from the last decade, good and bad, like the one I shared in the first sentence. “Aww, I haven’t heard that fully in years.. that’s how I learned your number..🥺” but.. think about that.

Step back.. from my psychological point of view.. with my mental health and past trauma in the back of your head, and think about it.

I learned your number.. because you were ignoring me.. and instantly I was like “Aww, cute. I’m learning his number” cause ten years ago, that was around the time I used to feel confident in leaving voicemails, and I’d wait it out and listen to yours.

Think about that for a few, please. And do not take this negatively. I legitimately want a visualization/realization from you like the one I just had.



Ahahahaha the fact that Seamus posted this lmfaoo the amount of times I’ve worked with him and Chris or even the owner of one of the companies I work for has come out of nowhere and started fckn talking about the new music theyre dropping or a secret set he’s playing😭

*Ramble, feel free to keep scrolling.*

Everyone has a specific roll in a festival..or even event operations/management in general. Once you get into your position, it takes probably 2 years to leave/advance. And you really only have 3 options on how to reputably do so.

Unless you learn a new skillset — [event ops -> dj/spit -> solo/SYO shows -> getting your name recognized in the scene as a second position -> actually getting good at your shit -> then, maybe, you can put in a resume to apply to preform (depending on show numbers)] which takes a minimum of two years.

Or

You get yourself contracted to different positions/companies in the same/similar field, like I’ve been doing for the past year. My situations a little different — I have no intention or interest on being in the scene/on stages. I’d much rather management over specific department(s) (hence box office management) and work in ADA/artist transportation. *or* completely work for myself as 100% 1040/C everything under my own company and be able to play with flow props while I do 1040.

Even though I’ve literally never picked up a flow prop except a weighted hoops and Lyra hoops. And for the 1000th time to anyone who asks me next — no, the burn scar on my hand is not from a fire prop — it is from the toaster oven.

*Or*

Which, unfortunately, happens to most..because addiction, mental health and being around this type of high-stress environment, where substances and substance abuse is prominent, could take a lot out of a person. Even if you’re not the type of person who dabbles in substances/is disgusted by the simple thought of it. I’m not excusing any behaviors and I am not speaking for anyone else.

However, the single year I’ve spent in this high stressed, unconventional, work-environment.. I can very easily see and understand how simple it may seem for some people to say ‘fuck it’ and choose drugs and partying over making a name for yourself/starting a career in this environment.

Friendly reminder that the music scene is not what I want to do with my life but rather a tool I’ve used to travel to some really incredible places for weeks on end for damn near close to zero expenses, build my knowledge of behind the scenes event management, meet some incredible people, make friends and enjoy my 20s because two years ago I realized I’ve focused my entire childhood and teenage years on worrying about my family and friends’ well-being and I spent 9 years in relationships with 2 people.

I had my childhood ripped away from me and I spent my entire adolescence trying to repair/fill a void caused by trauma. Which I’ve also learned is a very normal reaction to being raped by someone who was supposed to be your protector at a young age. But I’ll be damned for life if I let that shit continue to eat at me.

^ I could be drinking and doing drugs. But I’m not. I’m working, traveling and actually learning how to enjoy myself, making friends, and I’m.. actually happy.

The only reason people are starting to hear Kyle’s shit is because this kid will get up on the mic in between sets and just start spinning and spitting verses.

Work.. ^

Mess things up.. ^

Drink.. ^

Lose myself.. ^

Let my parents down.. ^

Every morning I look in the mirror and think “Goddamn man, what happened to me?” ^

*is putting 9.489% down on a home in nine weeks*

*realized I just spent almost my mortgage in shows*

*talks to Angela*

*angela says cause of my job I can write it off*