A young girl who became suicidal

I feel like shit. I didn't get anything accomplished today. I'll try to do better tomorrow. Goodnight.

I should have been to sleep hours ago. I gotta do better. Goodnight.

I hate myself. Goodnight.

I hate stomach pain it makes me so anxious

I want to be organized and neat and this house to be clean and nice. I'm so tired of living like this. I wish I could win the lottery big.

I think part of the reason I can't ever figure out who I am is because I am two different people in one. I don't know if it comes from being bipolar or changing myself so people would like me, but I'm both feminine and masculine, I'm both load and quiet, I'm both shy and outgoing, I'm both awkward and someone who doesn't give af, I'm both a bitch and the sweetest person youll ever meet, I care way too much about everything or I don't care enough about anything at all. It's not just who I'm with or where I'm at, it's not even the day, it's just depending on the minute and I hate it because one second I'm fine and bubbly and fun and the next I'm the most depressing person you'll ever meet who's thinking about all my trauma and I'm back to being a suicidal, outcast 12 year old for NO REASON. It terrifies me. It makes me feel like not only will I never be okay, but I'll never even understand myself, or know what I want or like, or be able to make decisions properly, much less ever love myself. I'll always regret everything I ever do because "that's not who I am" this second. It's genuinely exhausting, and the only thing I understand about myself is disorders. So it's hard for me to shut up because one second, I just wish someone would check on me, and the next second, I hope no one ever does again. Don't ask me how I am because I don't know and I couldn't tell you anyway. And I hate myself for being this way.

I wish people understood. I wish I had that. I wish i could. Goodnight.

My tooth is hurting. I'm gonna try to get stuff done tomorrow. I say that all the time but gonna try to do better. Going to bed. Goodnight

I don't know what else to say. Time for bed, gonna try to do stuff tomorrow. Goodnight