Therapy Journal
Who: Cooper When: Late at night on Sunday after his first therapy session. What: A journal entry about the situation(s) that made him decide to try therapy.
Mentions: @benjiclarington , @sebastiansmythejoie , @sweetxkittyxkat , @topherxhummel
Day One
My therapist says that I should write one f these to hold my emotions accountable. Each week in my session I am given one prompt to cover, the rest of the week until my next session will be check ins.
Today the prompt is simple. What situation made you decided to try therapy?
The answer to this one is a big longer than the prompt was. A few things did, but the biggest one is Benji. I want to be a better man for him. The kind of man he would be proud to say he is marrying.And where it stands right now, I don’t think he would agree to marry me even if I asked him. He has gotten so upset with me because I get upset over Sebastian and how close they are. Jeremiah is the one who caused all of this though! How can I ask Benji to love me if I can’t love myself though. I just got upset because I thought that the “special video” Benji and I made was the only one he ever made. And I was blindsided when I made a joke about a video of him pole dancing, and he said Sebastian had a video.
I trust Benji, but I am scared that one day he will up and leave me. It terrified me so much that about a month or so ago I woke up sobbing and screaming in a cold sweat from a dream that Benji left me for Topher when he came out. I feel like I am trying so hard, but I just keep messing things up. Like I am drowning and when I try to catch my breath the current pulls me back down.
I think it all started with Jeremiah convincing me that I wasn’t worth anything. When I broke things off, he quit talking to me, but I can still hear his echoes. Then I moved on to Kat and him. First things with Kat chasing after her and us being close and playful for two years, then we got together and added him into the mix. I loved them both so much but I couldn’t see a future there for us. Not the kind where I would be able to have a family and everything I wanted. So I left. Kat is a good friend, and she reminds me to keep a level head which I try to do. But I am glad that all we are is friends. I know I hurt her back then, but we are better friends.
Then there was Benji. We hooked up my first night back. And the next few days found us going out for dates. He is my everything, and I want a life with him. I had plans for proposing, and then everything has been happening that I haven’t had the chance, but I got the ring when he and I went home for Thanksgiving. I kept it hidden though, so I guess if he reads this and finds this he will know about it now, oops. He inspires me to be a better person. But Jeremiah still left the seeds of his jealousy in me. I can never seem to shake the feeling that Benji will leave me for a better looking guy.
After much conversation about it, I decided to come to therapy to get to the root of the problem I’m having in communicating with Benji. I also wrote him a song and convinced Topher to let me in his dorm room so that I could decorate it with rose petals and leave the 6 bouquets of rainbow roses and the chocolates and jewelry I got him. Along with a new dress that I think he will really like. It reminded me of the one he found in Tel Aviv.
