P L A N T S H A R E S

“ today could be the day i finally make a difference. ”

“ where are you off to today, you no-good piece of shit? ”

“ if you’re good at you’re attractive, no need to be proactive; good things will just happen to you. ”

“ what i call planning, they call scheming. ”

“ getting in trouble a little early today, aren’t we? ”

“ well, not only am i the ruler of a sovereign nation, but i have feelings too. ”

“ an hour free is better than an lifetime in a cage. ”

“ one of these days, you’re going to learn that life isn’t about dreams coming true; it’s a series of compromises and disappointments.  ”

“ now we are worse off than ever, and i’ve got to find a way to clean up your mess. ”

“ i just want everything... and more. ”

“ sands of time, take me back before it all went wrong. ”

“ teach me to undo what’s done. ”

“ we have our own golden rule here: whoever has the gold makes the rules. ”

“ true beauty lies within, but no scratch could tarnish your heavenly glow. ”

“ i want to know your story, i want to know your past — so tell me slowly from the start. ”

“ a thousand and one nights with you is not enough to spend, so let’s make ours the story with no end. ”

“ i wish i had the power to rewrite this tale. ”

“ but wishes are dreams, and dreams are pretend. ”

“ science says you’re dead and gone forever. reason says i’m talking to the air. but something in my heart — some secret hidden part — illogically insists that you are there. ”

“ after all, i must be pretty great if you believed in me. ”

“ i long to be as strong as i used to be. ”

“ i didn’t tell you to kill anyone! this is awful! ”

“ i wish that you could fly away — escape somehow and soar. ”

“ i hate to see how your loneliness and your memories hurt you. ”

EPISODE FIVE

“ you should prepare yourself for a little unpleasantness upon arrival. ”

“ i need to scream. but not into the air, but at the world, for allowing this to happen. ”

“ things that are built into our nature are not choices. ”

“ it sits hard in your eyes, and i understand entirely, as you are tender of heart, and soft of thought, but — ”

“ i cannot bear the inaction. heartlessness. ”

“ it is as it looks and feels. i do not judge you on it, but spare me the precious self-righteous loathing. ”

“ destiny has kicked the door open earlier than expected, but we shall run through it. ”

“ our situation is complex. but also simple. ”

“ no one yells at me so well. perhaps i need that. ”

“ we are perhaps all doomed, so let’s enjoy it while we can. ”

“ how terrible i asked you that. slap me if you like; i deserve it. ”

EPISODE SIX

“ although i still can’t believe someone tried to kill me. who would do that? ”

“ it is the human way to fall short of ourselves. ”

“ in this world, in these walls, we are happy. we have everything. that is all we can do at present. ”

“ i handled the whole thing with the dexterity of a doughy two-year-old. ”

“ i am perfect, but i know i must change somehow. it’s a fucking conundrum. ”

“ i am babbling at you in a way i find distasteful. ”

“ i have neglected our friendship, i feel. ”

“ have you come to threaten me? or just cajole in a menacing fashion? ”

EPISODE THREE

“ is this a coup or a fucking book club? ”

“ i do not remember the new rule where i justify why i tell you to shut up. ”

“ look at these fish. i used to watch them, thinking they were quite content. now i realize they’ve gone completely fucking mad. ”

“ i will share the joke and then we will laugh together. ”

“ one must simply live and hope it goes well and is fun while one does it. ”

“ it’ll be fun, albeit possibly fatal if it goes awry. ”

“ you’re luminous—luminous with luminosity. ”

“ i will not fear take my life from me. ”

“ rash, my dear. exceptional, but rash. ”

“ fuck you, you virgin coward prick! ”

“ you know, some attention to thinking two steps ahead rather than one would be advantageous. ”

“ i do not understand this recklessness in you. ”

“ it is a level of bitch one seldom encounters. kind of brilliant. ”

EPISODE FOUR

“ if god sees all, then we must put on a show. ”

“ i know it’s only ten, but we should return to bed at once. ”

“ we have left a gap for a description of any sex acts you would like to entertain us on. ”

“ i can’t explain it, but i could draw it. ”

“ as ever, your confidence is an inspiration. ”

“ one can love too much. ”

“ aren’t you sweet. and don’t they love to eat sweet things? ”

“ i often go walking at night. so i may be there, coincidentally. or i may not. ”

“ i was lying in my bed, thinking of you, how exquisite you are. and i began to think my mind was exaggerating. ”

“ you have a ruthless side; it makes my blood rush around a little. ”

“ i have fallen for you, so... i’m fucked. i have decided to embrace it. ”

EPISODE ONE

“ i am not to be disturbed. i will cut your throat. ”

“ how sweet you are. i could put you in my mouth and you would dissolve. ”

“ most of the women have tongues in the shape of a cat-o’-nine-tails. ”

“ you may rip my tongue from my foolish body, dear [name], or try to—and we shall see what develops from there. ”

“ that is the beautiful thing, my dear; you will see us every day now. ”

“ it was uncharacteristically clever of him. ”

“ i’m such a dickhead. fuck. ”

“ and how does that look? bad. bad is how, in case anyone was wondering. ”

“ people underestimate the joy in suffering. walk through the pain, and on the other side: joy and purity. ”

“ to some, war is merely a chess game, and to others, a horror of responsibility for the blood of men. where do you fall on this? ”

“ you are the only person who has not loved me. it is inconceivable to me and says nothing good about you. ”

“ if you had showed me an ounce of kindness, i was ready with a heart full of love. ”

“ you’re so judgmental. you might want to work on that. ”

“ i would be better if i had wings. ”

“ i looked myself in the mirror and laughed at my own stupid face this morning. ”

“ you reek of incense. i smelt you five minutes ago. ”

“ i will get coins to place on your eyes. ”

EPISODE TWO

“ could we be silent? i’m trying to concentrate, and it’s already hard enough when there’s a bee. ”

“ i am as good as dead here, so i have nothing to lose. ”

“ delusional optimism, [name]. but i believe we can win this. ”

“ i shall refrain from punching your face for the next twelve seconds. you should walk on. ”

“ unhappiness in a court can be contagious. ”

“ it is thrilling to break the rules, is it not? ”

“ oh, my god. you’re trying to seduce me. ”

“ i have in some way ruined things. i apologize. ”

“ a little naïve, i guess. not a criticism; it’s actually a lovely attribute. ”

“ your joy in pain is disturbing. ”

“ we must all know our darkness, for how else do we know where to shine the light? ”

“ you are an angry, mad person, so you will forgive me if i say no. ”

“ and if you’re seeking flaws, i could also make a list of yours if it would aid you. ”

“ you are lying, which is both out of character and really annoying. ”

“ the secret is to imagine your feet have wings on them. ”

“ it is not a crime to lie to others, just to lie to one’s self. ”

“ well, there’s an aspiration: to die disappointed. ”

“ what’s the point in believing in something if you will not act for it? ”

“ perhaps you will allow me to set the record straight. ”

“ just be the little angel i know is in there somewhere. ”

“ we’ve been two peas in a pod, you and i, for a long time. ”

“ the sooner you leave, the sooner we can celebrate your return. ”

“ a sapling cannot grow in the shadow of a mighty oak. ”

“ do not speak unless you can improve the silence. ”

“ nothing is final until you’re dead; even then, i’m sure god negotiates. ”

“ are you coy on purpose, or do you honestly refuse to tell me your name? ”

“ a skin of such elegance... concealing such ruthlessness. ”

“ the penalty for being wealthy is that you have to live with the rich. ”

“ is everything just chance, or are some things meant to be? ”

“ fortunately, i tripped over an angel. ”

“ you are a walking contradiction and i find that rather fascinating. ”

“ how do you do it? live each day with this kind of passion? don’t you find it exhausting? ”

“ you have more conviction in one memory than i have in my entire being. ”

“ it is your mouth that has me hypnotized. ”

“ i have not slept for fear i would wake and find this all a dream. ”

“ why did you have to be so wonderful? ”

“ for once in your life, be bold. ”

“ a bird may love a fish, but where would they live? ”

“ whatever it is, my answer is yes. ”

“ i know that a life without love is no life at all. ”

“ what makes you think i do any of this for you? ”

“ i offered you the world — and at the first test of honor, i betrayed your trust. ”

“ choose your words wisely, for they may be your last. ”

“ i’d hate to think that you had anything to do with this. ”

“ i want you to know that i will forget you after this moment and never think of you again. but you, i am quite certain, will think about me every single day for the rest of your life. ”

“ we simply planted the seed and nursed it through winter. ”

“ the rest is up to you, to do with what you’ll do. ”

“ what a splendid mess [he’s] made of this. ”

“ everything seems to fade when i see [her] face; the sky and trees all blur, every time i look at [her]. ”

“ you’re not the only one who thinks they’re falling in love. ”

“ my mind’s in knots, it’s got me lost; please help me through the maze. ”

“ i am more than some eager blood, not some average bones. ”

“ flood it through my blood; breathe it through my lungs. ”

“ i’m gonna show you this once, and then you’re gonna do it. ”

“ it must hurt so bad, with a knife in your back. ”

“ they say you’re gifted—well, i just see a scared kid. ”

“ but now that’s all gone; maybe the design’s flawed. ”

“ my words will tear through the air—pierce through the despair—to find your arrogant, throbbing ears. ”

“ if it's too much to bear, or to hear, or take, i'll be frank; let my inflection be crystal clear. ”

“ this mess that you’ve made—it’s a six-foot grave. ”

“ what a tragic mess you fools have made of this. ”

“ you can’t escape your own skin. ”

“ to erase the wrong we've done, the dark and light will become one. ”

“ so why don’t i just go? ”

“ what’s the point of dreaming if it can never materialize? ”

“ it’s not me that you see. it’s just my pedigree. ”

“ you’re a reckless and romantic rogue. ”

“ don't you ever feel like you've been destined for something bigger than your skin? ”

“ you are short-sighted, naive and starry-eyed. ”

“ we curb our speech, because words are not enough. ”

“ take my hand and trust in me. ”

“ i can’t go back—i just won’t go back! ”

“ it's a story that you may have heard before, told as mythical lore—but this translation is clear, unlike the embellishments that have reached your ears. ”

“ don’t be scared, kid. ”

“ these two have been on quite an odyssey. ”

“ and you’ve been lying through your teeth. ”

“ i mean to tell you sooner; it’s been gnawing at my brain. ”

“ i was shortsighted; i ignored your cries... ”

“ please don't let your tired heart stop beating. you're bleeding... just keep breathing... ”

“ place your hand on mine, one last time, and kiss me goodbye. ”

part one / part two

CASTLEVANIA’S SEXIEST MONSTER

“ or at least i THOUGHT it would be nice! ”

“ so i ate a chicken sandwich... DRENCHED. ”

“ that was very educational and extremely entertaining. just kidding. it was boring as hell! ”

“ i am going to throw myself into the sea. ”

“ why are vampires always the hot monster? ”

“ that! was! a joke! i’m not! gonna do that! ”

“ we all know that dracula is hot. ”

“ that’s not a monster. that’s a bird. ”

“ i went back and forth on these, and then i realized: they creep me out. ”

“ anything unique can be sexy. ”

“ you should be wary of anyone who builds their personality around swords. ”

“ obviously, the name makes it sound bad. ...it also is terrible. ”

“ he might kill you. but! he also might open up and be really lovely. ”

“ they’re also ripped as hell. ”

“ if you’re not attracted to this, you’re wrong. ”

“ you can’t just name your child your name backwards! ”

“ and if someone comes up and introduces themself to me as duke mirage, my pants are already off. ”

“ and if you’ll excuse me, i’m going to go throw myself into the ocean now. ”

SMASH BROS VS OSHA

“ there is no better place to make a friend than on the battlefield. ”

“ safety fan and bureaucratic wunderkind. please address me as such. ”

“ and unfortunately there isn’t an o.s.h.a. guide to bloodsport. ”

“ because, when you walk into an unknown space, i want the first question on your mind to be, ‘am i safe to smash?’ ”

“ that’s probably just an underground fighting ring, which is another form of illegality. ”

“ just put one wet floor sign, anywhere. and i’ll let it slide. ”

“ i’m ignoring the fact that they’re fighting on top of a jet. ”

“ they are designed to harm and kill you. ”

“ you don’t need me to tell you it’s broken. ”

“ i couldn’t give a shit about death. ”

“ again, i could not categorize that. but i know he shouldn’t have been there. ”

GAME OF THE YEAR

“ anything that i say is just a drop in the ocean of discourse. ”

“ they called me a fool, but do i look like a fool to you? ”

“ you can’t make me do that. legally. that’s not in my contract. ”

“ i have not been in a pure mathematics class in about five years. ”

“ i’ve figured it out! which means that no one has to write anymore goddamn think pieces about this topic ever again! ”

“ this is a lot of research into things that really have very little meaning. ”

“ why should we even be defining what is and isn’t art? ”

“ shit. i ran out of space. ”

“ hope you’re not as big of an asshole as the last few of your friends. ”

“ ...no. i stand by that decision. ”

part one / part two

COMPLETE LOZ TIMELINE

“ someone should try to do that. ”

“ i’ll get to it. don’t worry, i’ll get to it. ”

“ he does this thing, and then he goes sailing, and then he crashes and has a dream and then dies in the ocean. ”

“ instead of having an existential crisis and then going to have to save the world from a moon, or having an existential crisis and hanging out with pirates, he just gets really into fashion. which is what i plan to do in my mid-life crisis. ”

“ which isn’t how time works... to my knowledge. ”

“ what comes after that? that’s right: it’s darkness, baby. ”

“ i’m not going to explain how it connects just yet, because i—i’ll do that later. ”

“ this whole goddamn suit’s so tight; i feel like a christmas ham. ”

“ he go-kart’s, and he fights people—for sport. ”

“ why am i the only scholar in time break studies? ”

“ take fucking notes! i just saved your ass! with monopoly! ”

SKYRIM BOOK REPORT

“ hidden amongst the dragur and dragons is a plethora of books full of very important and very niche details. ”

“ who really has time to read all those books? ...i do. apparently. ”

“ before i get into the nitty-gritty, let me explain my process. ”

“ my first reaction to this was ‘wow.’ my second reaction to this was ‘what the FUCK.’ “

“ believe me: you wouldn’t want to watch that, even if i could. ”

“ i don’t give two shits about a king who lost a war over 700 years ago. ”

“ ugh. history’s so boring. i’m done with this. ”

“ fun fact about academic books that i learned in college is that no one has ever enjoyed writing OR reading an academic paper. ”

“ i split these two up because these are very boring, and these are slightly more palatable. ”

“ this is all i’m qualified to do now! ”

“ who doesn’t love a little erotic lizard fiction? ”

“ there is no way you can manage to maintain that level of erotic tension for seven acts. that’s like five and a half hours! ”

“ and you know what? they are valid. and they’re wrong. and they always seem to find my comments sections. ”

“ i bore this burden! for you! ”

ROBOTS RANKED

“ it’s me. i’m the one who’s going to do that. ”

“ and i do not feel at all qualified to discuss the philosophical implications of that. ”

“ they’re all over here. i’m not gonna touch that. ”

“ i swear—we have a lot of cold people up front. ”

“ we’ve done some shit to bees, y’all. ”

“ i don’t know why they insisted on saying it was for secret bases. ”

“ i think steam rollers were doing just fine. ”

“ why the FUCK is he a top? ”

“ fireworks are dangerous. don’t play with fireworks. ”

“ because those were software built with with specific intention of being mean online. and that’s just twitter. ”

“ don’t let me suck more than i can handle. ”

“ just hire a sixteen-year-old. like—they need the job. ”

“he was not turned evil. he just decided to conscript because he wanted to show off. ”

“ here’s the big rule of thumb: magicians are always evil. ”

“ humans are trash. ”

“ who has ever watched a clown and thought to themselves, ‘boy. i wish that thing never got tired.’ “

“ and i’m not saying that clowns are terrible, okay? clowns serve their purpose. ”

“ i could pull a few strings if i wanted someone dead—if i wanted somone’s head. ”

“ i do only what i want to. ”

“ i don’t even know whose side i’m on. are both sides the same? ”

“ please, tell me what you want from me. ”

“ and you’ll die all alone. ”

“ i was in full bloom until i met you. ”

“ when i said i hate what i’ve become, i lied—i hated who i was. ”

“ when it cuts you this deep, it’s hard to find a way to breathe. ”

“ nothing could ever seem to touch me. ”

“ i would be lying if i said i never hated you. ”

“ isn't this silly and aren't you beautiful?”

“ prove to me i’m not going to die alone. ”

“ if i had it in me, i’d tear me apart. ”

“ i’m sorry for all that i’ve done to find my voice. i’m someone. ”

“ you got what you want, but not what you need. ”

“ being true to yourself could never be enough. ”

“ i swear i’m a good man. ”

“ you keep begging for forgiveness, but you don’t think that you’ve done wrong. ”

“ i’ve been afraid of this so long; it’s a relief when it goes wrong. ”

“ we are not alone in the dark with our demons. ”

“slam. i have to say that because i don’t have a door.”

“wow! he didn’t sigh and roll his eyes at us.”

“you can’t do a re-take in a battle!”

“well, there goes my evening. now i gotta put on pants...”

“that’s only funny when it happens to someone else. comedy 101, people!”

“this is either a mirror, or a portal to a parallel universe where my evil twin is trapped.”

“sacrificing your glory for the common good is also very heroic.”

“what’s the opposite of ‘got it’?”

“the enemy of my enemy is my friend. or is the enemy of my enemy my double enemy?”

“i’ve compromised my principles to the point that they’ve become meaningless!”

“does ‘inconclusive’ mean the same thing as ‘hilarious’?”

“like a hummingbird on its third espresso!”

“uh, can you explain that again? only this time as though you were explaining that to me?”

“well, this whole plan kinda hinged on your absence, so...”

“we were in a terrible accident that wasn’t intentional because it was an accident.”

“i’ll lecture you on the way! kill two birds with one stone.”

“don’t kid yourself. we’re all pawns on the big chessboard of life!”

“evil plan over here! needs some thwarting!”

“stalling? i’m not stalling. i hate stalling! here’s a list of things i like better than stalling:”

“just because they give them to everyone who participates doesn’t mean they’re not awards!”

“those five-year-old’s were right! cruel, but right!”

“y’know, when i say it out loud, i kinda regret having said it out loud.”

“even melancholy harmonica music volume 2 can’t cheer me up.”

“i don’t like to brag. i love to brag.”

“it’s a shame you’re too humble to bring it up.”

“disloyalty is a trait i admire in a toady!”

“apparently, because i have pudding. or at least i used to...”

“yeah, i would! i mean, not that i would, but i could.”

“okay, you did it a little differently than i wanted, but that’s all right.”

PART 1

“it’s for the good of someone, i’m sure.”

“so everyone is fucking up the earth, but this time there’s nothing we can do about it.”

“____ suffers for [their] art.”

“i just choked on… air.”

“i kinda wanted to chew on pickles.”

“you done me dirty, man! that was really very efficient.”

“seems like you’ve tumbled down the hill into hell and you’re never getting out.”

“there’s a terrific—SHIT! …there’s a terrific shit.”

“those are some powerful shoulders there.”

“it’s my brand! i can’t change it!”

“we’ve just decided to be a little bit coy today.”

“of course not, because i need to murder the next one.”

“oh, wow that was—that was some... bad stuff.”

“i’m thirsting for more violence.”

“that’s kind of unnerving to me.”

“yeaaaahhh, okay. that seems—that seems unnerving to me.”

“[they] looked like an extra in cats, jumping off the stage.”

“now i’m at the point where i’m drawing the legs and i’m faced with a predicament.”

“is that why it’s called fruit by the foot? because you put it in your shoes?”

“don’t do bad things!”

“i imagine [them] out there, on the turf, hitting a hole-in-one straight into the end zone.”

“i’m ready to throw down about this.”

“it sounds like something out of star wars or lovecraft.”

“that happens every night, fucker!”

“they all have the vapors, and not the cool kind.”

be nice to me / the front bottoms

“ there is very little left of me, and it's never coming back. ”

“ there are certain things you ask of me, and there are certain things i lack. ” 

“ you’re a killer, and i'm your best friend. ”

“ i think it’s unfair, your situation. ”

“ you say i’m changing; sorry, i didn’t know i had to stay the same. ”

“ well, i try to write you poems, but the words—they don’t make sense. ”

“ i think you’re changing. don’t worry, you don’t gotta stay the same. ”

emotional anorexic / svavar knútur

“ the silence has torn me to shreds. ”

“ in your perfection, i catch my reflection—and with it my numerous flaws. ”

“ don’t let those wicked thoughts drive us apart. ”

“ you’re a diamond, and i am but coal. ”

“ you’re losing your mind and you’re out of control. ”

“ i’ll whine and i’ll moan and i’ll cry on the phone, ‘til i finally drive you away. ”

inmates / the good life

“ when you said you loved me, did you really love me? ”

“ life is a series of calluses; this is just another layer. ”

“ how much affection does one guy really need? ”

“ were you content or contemptible? ”

“ when you said you’d hurt me, did you think you’d hurt me? are you really that cocky? ”

“ funny, how familiar. ”

“ so how much of this relationship was rehearsed? ”

“ it’s an awkward form of payback, but if it works for you, it works. ”

“ for once you’re a man of your word. ”

sundress / tiny moving parts

“ grab my hand, let’s dance like we used to. ”

“ that’s my idea of romance. ”

“ i love you. at least i used to. ”

“ don’t be nervous, my love; just follow your heartstrings. ”

“ just promise me tomorrow we won’t regret this. ”

“ the irony of dehydrating along the sea. ”