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@pixiebatt
I love my cat. She waits outside of the washroom when Iām purging and sometimes sheāll fall asleep waiting for me. Sheāll follow me afterward, if I go into bed she will too. I love her so much and I feel so bad for being so disordered.
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You have to stop thinking about food. Think about moving, think about your job and think about being happy. Think about friends and late nights drinking and dancing! Happy times! Life is going to be beautiful once you stop eating and throwing up all the time. Donāt worry about food, itās not something you need to stress about especially if you just stick to what u know; fruit, oat milk and dark chocolate. Simple!
I hate seeing pictures of myself taken by other people. Most of the time I think I look disgusting. It is such a happy boost when I like they way I look in candid photos, but it completely tears me down when I see a picture of myself where I am smiling too big, have a ādouble chinā or my face looks too long and if my body is too wide. Itās too bad, because these are candid moments captured of me in genuinely happy moments, and I cannot see it as what it is, I just see it as another reason to loose weight or change my hair or hid myself away so no one can take pictures of me. But that also means less good times, less happy memories. This is a conundrum.
My stupid period made me gain 3 lbs in a freaking week. I purged yesterday so maybe itās that. I wonāt freak out just yet, Iāll weigh again in 2-3 days and maybe Iāll be back to 110. I worked too hard to be gaining already. There is an art to starving, you have to be at peace with it.
My period came on Sunday/Monday and it has seriously messed me up. It made me eat more than Iām comfortable with, im not binging but I ate two slices of pizza two days in a row and today I had fish and califower. When I think about this, it sounds stupid. Like, okay Iām addition to my usual one or two bananas and 3 cups of coffee a day, I had a meal.
I have been trying to hard not to eat and I have been doing good. I made the mistake of checking my weight on Monday and it was 113 instead of 110, and I knew it would be higher because of being on my period, naturally.
My hormones are messing up my mood, I feel fat and I feel like Iāve fucked up. I just want the scale to keep dropping. The thing is, I donāt even want to eat, I want to avoid those hard feelings. When I eat I feel awful and I canāt stop crying.
But the reason I have been eating for the past 3 days is because of my period. It makes me more dizzy than usual and today I had an almost blackout episode. So I just choose to eat a bit more. I just want to be okay. I want to go back to my usual 300-400 cals a day. Itās getting harder because of how shit I feel, the more I starve, the harder it is to feel okay. Itās stupid, but I donāt know what else to do right now.
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Ignore the recipe reblogs, Iām starving and I just wanted to feed my eyes-plus me and my partner are doing this thing where we make dinner and eat together so I like to have ideas, not like I eat much of it anyways.
Not like anyone sees this anyways, but Iām writing here cause Iāve been feeling a disconnect for so long. Itās just really hard to tap into myself and writeāitās hard to tap in at all. I keep waiting for this crap to work, I mean, Iām not eating, Iām quite sad all the time, and I find it very hard to do anything. But thatās how I want it I guess.
I just need to get close enough to taste a hospital stay, but Iām not there yet. I have 15 pounds to loose and then Iāll get closer to heaven. Half of me wants a long and healthy life, to get married and be happy in love and travel and make things, meet people and live life. The other half cannot wait for it to be over and just wait out the rest of my life doing the best I can while starving until I need to be hospitalized. I donāt want to do anything anymore.
I try too hard and then I get let down again and again and again. I just need to push harder and get to the point where everyone actually believes me that I do have an eating disorder. I tried the recovery bullshit and I still dabble in it sometimes on days where Iām feeling generous and let myself eat a meal which is once a week. But I donāt want to fucking recover, itās stupid because itās not what I want. Itās fine if you want it but I donāt. An ed should not be this hard, it should be easier. I feel like Iām faking everyday because I keep gaining and losing and only since February have I consistently been losing. So I feel now is the time Iām locking in. Yeah no wonder why I feel disconnected huh?
Shells and cheese with chicken and broccoli
Sheet pan spicy ginger sesame beef and broccoli
Fajitas de res
Today turned out to be a 1,000 calorie day, which is quite whoa frightening but today and yesterday I did a lot of exercise and the last time at ate til I was full was on Saturday and the rest of the week I stuck to my 300-500 cal rule. I think itās okay that I ate anyway cause Iāve got a headache! I just know that the rest of the week Iāll be good and if I need to eat once a week it wonāt make me fat. Iām finally losing weight so I will not fuck up.
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Fiona apple was right when she said starving hurts but starving works.
Im at 114 lbs officially. I think my healthy weight is 123 lbs so my goal was to hit 115 and now Iāve surpassed that. My next goal is 110 then 105 then 100. My ultimate goal is 85 and I think that will be hard to reach but it was kinda easy to get to 114 in 2 or 3 weeks honestly.
So, today I made a sort of flourless banana bread (it had a few table spoons of almond flour and a couple spoons of actual flour) it was mostly made from yogurt and apple sauce and bananas with a lot of cinnamony spices (my favorite) and a portion of that was 300 cals. Hoping it will give me energy for today. I was very tired at the end of yesterday cause I walked all day but Iām glad I did.
Pulling out of social activity, deleting instagram so I cannot see everyoneās story updates of their fun and magical weekend happenings, not eating, cutting my arm and thigh and hip, doing my own thing and becoming uninvolved. Because sometimes you just need a break and sometimes you remember why you were mentally ill in the first place.
I couldnāt do it anymore, constantly trying to prove that Iām just as cool as everyone else, trying to be prettier and more polished on my scene knowledge on music and terms. I donāt have to prove anything to anyone. Iām tired of going out and feeling so alone, feeling like I donāt belong. Itās not supposed to be like that, itās supposed to be about the music. Iām tired of pretending to be happy, so Iām just not going to pretend anymore.
Iām washing my hands of the chase, Iām moving back into myself and doing my own thing. Nobody can tell me to leave the house if I donāt wanna, no hangouts, no obligations. I donāt care how dumb it sounds, i donāt want any of it anymore until I can catch the fuck up to where is.
Itās hard to explain. I donāt know if itās my brain chemistry but when things change (new relationship, new place to live, new job, get fired, another job, get fired, relapsing, healing, open communication with parents, new friends, new side hustle, same partner, new stressorsāā) i feel like to cope with them I just have to function how I think someone would function in said situation while not really feeling present. So thatās what I mean by getting caught up. I have to gently get with the new groove. Iāve been getting the pull to regress again and thatās because I need things to be simple.
I will emerge back on the scene eventually because itās what I love, but I need to be back in my right mind. Iām not forcing myself to do anything anymore. Iām not missing out, I am living my life and listening to my heart. My heart hurts and my heart is heavy. I need to get back on track with loosing weight, where Iām comfortable and safe. Iāve already lost 5 pounds this month. And I know that when I am thinner, the sadness will go away and I will be able to feel lighter. I have dreams of emerging back on the scene when I am 100 lbs and people noticing. I bet being 15 lbs lighter will be noticeable. People will take me seriously and I will be the anorexic goth on the scene. I really donāt care how sick I get, I hope to be 90 lbs by December and if Iām lucky 80 lbs.
(x)
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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what are some films you'd recommend? I like all different types and genres
visions of ecstasy, female trouble, multiple maniacs, christiane f, mysterious skin, but i'm a cheerleader, ginger snaps, dr. caligari, possession, repo the genetic opera, ghost world, party monster, welcome to the dollhouse, gummo, may, etc. <š š«š¦“
Gym today- burn 400cals
Purged :/// at least I was empty after
Ate chicken broth - 30 cals
Half an apple -30 cals
Dark chocolate- 200 cals
Total-260
Burned- 400
