Things that would make my psychologist cry

Hazbin Guarantee (Trust us)

Local nepo baby sings about why you should support her business while repeatedly trying not to have a mental breakdown. Meanwhile; 3 local business CEOs openly shit on the Nepo baby and cause general chaos for shits and giggs and money

Once We Get Up There

3 local CEOs have a “Be Prepared” moment and show off how bad their God complexes are, especially TV Jeff Bazos

Like You

3 well meaning idiots sing to newly appointed Goodest Boi how special he is to the point of attempting suicide

Sera’s Confession

Holy Hottie Anastasia sings about how “Yeah, genocide wasn’t the move. You dun goofed, but that’s ok, just fix it.” to a biblically accurate baddie and then dips after giving her a completely warranted existential crisis

Gravity

The most valid invalid crash out in history

Piss(A Love Song)

Two love struck idiots miss beating the piss out of each other and it makes them very very sad 😢

Speedrun To Redemption

Blonde Nepo baby has a manic episode and goes full “Popular” on her supposed friend by essentially telling him to stop being him and be more like their more successful friend. All while 2 out of 3 of his tormenters watch with soda and popcorn despite the fact that he’s told Blondie multiple times that they’re bad people and friends with his abuser.

Don’t You Forget

Deer Man is pouting after losing a fight he was incredibly underestimating the difficulty level for, crashes out, quits the job he was barely doing and is then reminded by his hot boss that contracts are legally binding

Clean it up

Best girl sings about how she loves her job, but no one passed Japanese on Duolingo so unfortunately, no one understands her wholesomely genuine passion

Don’t You Forget (Reprise)

Deer man and TV Bazos beef with each other, unfortunately TV man is aura farming harder and is in fact, still not over the “break up”.

Bad With Us

TV Bazos tries to indoctrinate other CEOs and industry leaders. He’s successful but fumbles a few because he’s ageist and racist.

VOX POPULI

Devil Daddy aura farms HARD on TV Bazos only to immediately get dunked on at a MAGA rally from Hell

VOX DEI

TV Bazos takes advantage of everyone’s fear and incompetence by letting you know he can and will in fact get worse.

Love In a Bottle

Alcoholic cat Daddy relapses hard and tries to convince himself that he’s fine actually he’s totally not

Losin’ Streak

The best drag show you will ever see makes Cat Daddy realize he did not in fact “Forget how to love years ago”

Easy

Blonde Nepo baby FINALLY realizes she’s been a jackass all season, crashes out and her GF decides the best cure for depression is 🍑 🐱

Brighter

TV man sings about his life. Turns out he has always been bad at not being the center of attention and used to look like every suburban white dad ever, but with herterochromia. What a twist.

Live To Live

Newly appointed Goodest Boi sings to a biblically accurate Baddie about what I means to be human in the sweetest reprise you will ever hear. Give him head pats right fucking now, he deserves them, damn it.

When I think About The Future

Everyone’s hopeful and making plans to fuck up a CEO Gala. A divorce and a few mental breakdowns are imminent.

Hear My Hope

My honest reaction:

AND THEN WHEN THEY PERFORM??

So, sometime last year (?) science invented Vantablack, which is the darkest possible shade of black. Art world got incredibly excited. But as it needs to be very carefully made in a lab, it’s hard to get a hold of, and is extremely expensive. Enter Anish Kapoor, aka FuckFace McGee. Anish Kapoor buys the rights to Vantablack. He is the only human being on the planet that can legally use it, and he’s kind of a prick about it.

Art world is not thrilled with that.

Enter Stuart Semple.

Stuart Semple is an artist, and also makes pigments to sell in his free time. Stuart Semple is astoundingly pissed about this Vantablack nonsense, and Anish Kapoor’s dickery. Stuart Semple makes a new pigment, the brightest shade of pink ever, called Pinkest Pink, and puts it for sale on the internet. To be bought by everybody except Anish Kapoor. Literally, to purchase, you need to confirm that you are not Anish Kapoor, do not associate with him, and will not sell or give the pigment to Anish Kapoor or his associates. Art world has a good laugh, everyone buys Pinkest Pink because it’s awesome, and damn it we deserve something.

Anish Kapoor however is a penis, and will not take this lying down, because HOW DARE he not have literally everything.

Anish Kapoor gets his London associates to buy him a thing of Pinkest Pink, and being such a classy human being, posts a picture to instagram of him with his middle finger covered in Pinkest Pink, captioned with “Up yours. #pink”

Everyone flips shit, because. Y’know. Fuck that guy. Especially Stuart Semple. For context here, Anish Kapoor is one of the richest artists on the planet, and has repeatedly been referred to as everything wrong with the art world, and the epitome of the art worlds elitism problem. He’s a giant douchebag. Meanwhile Stuart Semple makes pigments just to get them out there. He turns 0 profit from his now enourmously popular pigments.

Stuart Semple launches an investigation as to who the fuck leaked Pinkest Pink, and plans to strike back. He does so by releasing two new products. First is Diamond Dust, which is a glitter made from glass, so that a painting is still visible after it’s applied, but glitters like a mofo. It’s the most reflective glitter out there, and is available to everyone who isn’t Anish Kapoor. And it being made of glass, if you stick your finger in there, it’s going to hurt quite a bit, so that was Stuart Semple’s way of saying “shove your middle finger in this, asshole, see what happens”. Except without saying that, because he can get an insult across while still being fucking classy.

He also releases Black 2.0, created with the help of over a thousand artists worldwide.

Black 2.0 is the answer to Vantablack. Black 2.0 is a slightly less black black, but looks functionally the same to the human eye. It’s completely safe, smells like cherries, and costs four pounds. Vantablack is highly toxic, potentially explosive, needs to be applied in a special laboratory and sealed properly, can’t be moved across borders, can reach 300 degrees celsius if you’re not extremely careful, and costs thousands of dollars. Anish Kapoor is the only human being who can use Vantablack. He is the only human being who cannot use Black 2.0.

So I think we can guess who got the better deal.

And thus the feud ends, Kapoor defeated.

…But not quite.

Kapoor, in this entire afair, has made exactly two comments to the public. The first being his charming message about aquiring Pinkest Pink, the second being claiming to Buzzfeed that he and his small army of lawyers will be suing Semple, an extremely poor artist who cannot afford a lawyer.

No lawsuit has been made yet, fyi.

The point is, Kapoor is a prick, and doesn’t like talking to the lower classes. So one day in July 2017, he decides he needs another floor on his London studio apartment, and starts making arrangements to have it built. His neighbors are fucking pissed, because this will ruin the light of their apartments. They call to Semple to save them, or at the very least piss Kapoor off some more.

Semple answers to the call, and releases two new paints, Phaze and Shift, as always, banned to Kapoor. They change colours, Phaze with temperature, and Shift is just iridescent. Shift needs to be painted over Black 2.0 to work, and Phaze just works on its own.

So that’s been the art world for the last two years.

1. “Anish Kapoor is however a penis” is the best line in this post.

a short comic about witches and wishes and wanting things.