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NOTHING, WHAT’S THE MATA WITH YOU???

AHAHAHAAAAA  god, I’m funny. 

meet the Mata mata turtle, everybody!

he loves you

the Mata mata, Mata-Mata, or Matamata(matamatamata), depending on how pedantic the biologist you’re asking is, is a large river turtle found in the Amazon Basin. they grow to around 18 inches long (shell length only) and weigh up to 33 pounds (whole damn turtle)

oh also their common name is literally Spanish for KILL-KILL, but they don’t really deserve it.

*heavy metal screaming*

the Mata mata was first described and named by European scientists in 1783, who then spent the next two hundred years fighting over the scientific name of this damn turtle. seriously, they changed it 14 times in that span. people probably lost tenure over this thing. 

blood was almost definitely shed.

but it’s all worth it to bear the noble name Chelus fimbriata (as of 1992)

Mata matas live on the bottoms of shallow streams, where they blend in perfectly with the rest of the crud mucking up the bottom.

they live on a strict diet of whatever little swimmy thing happens to pass in front of them. this includes fish, frogs, crayfish, worms, weeds that kind of look like fish from a certain angle, and fingers.

or your whole hand, jesus

(they aren’t strong biters tho, that’ll heal up pretty quick. stop crying.)

Mata matas really don’t move around much, and prefer walking slowly and dramatically along the streambed to swimming. this helps prevent them from being noticed by larger predators such as the Jaguar, who loves him some sweet sweet turtle meats. 

luckily the Mata matas can come up for air without giving themselves away, as they have a very special adaptation:

AAAAAAAAAA! AAAAAAAA.

the Mata mata’s neck is almost as long as it’s entire body! they use it to stretch their head up to the surface to breath, exactly like a snorkel but if the snorkel was really just your own devil neck.

in fact, the Mata mata’s neck is so long that the turtle cannot retract it into its shell like its relatives. they rely mostly on holding really still and looking like a gross leaf to avoid predators. would YOU eat a gross stream leaf? didn’t think so. 

don’t knock it till you’ve tried it

currently many wild turtle populations are declining, or in danger of collapse due to human activity and capture for food/the pet trade. luckily, this does not seem to be the case with the Mata mata. (BREATH SIGH OF RELIEF NOW.)

Mata matas are currently listed as Least Concern and are still fairly common in the wild, but they are also increasingly common as pets (people love that weird little smirk). however, they are really fucking expensive and best left to more experienced hobbyists. Mata matas do very well in captivity because they HARDLY MOVE ANYWAY, so aquarium life isn’t much of a strain on them.

as long as they feed me I don’t really care

let’s all take a moment to be thankful for this.

26

420 Smoke Sesh Tit Play & BBC Dildo Fucking | 13:48 

This a custom video lightly using the name Suvee. I smoke a CBD blunt. Description: Start the video with a close up of your ass, and say “daddy i still have a blunt left” I would like you to start out with sexy lingerie and red lipstick. Pull out the CBD blunt from your bra, with your nipple slightly visible (a light tease), and cover it back. Start smoking,(Do one closeup shot of you having some smoke in your mouth) slowly take off your bottoms and bra. While still smoking say “Suvee Daddy, I’m feeling horny now” Play with your nipples alot, if you can start blowing smoke on your tits, and start licking them and say “This kush is making me wet.” Start Playing with yourself with a dark brown dildo. End the video with a final closeup of your tits and pussy. Finish it off by saying “ Bye Suvee Daddy” (with your whole front body exposed)

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Himalayan Quartz field by @able_ground //////