Don't beat yourself up too much for your interests being related to what happened to you. I'm sure you obviously know this but it's really normal for interests (especially sexual) to mimic childhood trauma and abuse, ik it doesn't really help the weird feelings associated with it go away but I wanted to shoot u a message so u know there's people seeing your posts who totally understand. Also, this is probably another extremely obvious one but have you considered your perception of incestuous abuse may have been largely influenced by OCD - not the sense that it didn't happen, but that in my experience OCD literally warps your reality to the point that you literally cannot tell where reality ends and delusion begins, and this may have had an impact on the way your mind processed your families interactions with you. Again I'm sure I'm just telling you a bunch of stuff you already know but on the off chance you don't, this is the kind of thing I wish someone would've told me, yk - OCD can induce trauma in your brain identical to trauma induced by real like abuse despite no "real life" abuse having ever taken place, so when you say you feel physically abused despite never having been touched a potential explanation could be your brain developing this kind of of OCD originated PTSD?
I've definitely thought about it, there's a lot of overlap I have w ocd symptoms in general. The thing that really holds me back on it is if I think about it all I can string through a logic to everything, I can understand why I came to feel that sexualized w/o overt sexual abuse present. And my feelings on it both now and at the time aren't just scary or upsetting. The expectation of incest / feeling of subjugation towards ppl in that way felt completely normal to me and in many ways at the time I was proud of it, my identity got tied up in it and it's still tied up in it. ect. it is helpful to hear that ocd can be so specifically extreme, cause I do keep wondering if it's possible I just created these experiences by myself. Ultimately though I think I just have a grotesquely complicated psyche profile from layered hyper specific all encompassing neglect and coercive abuse.
baratheonpilled
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