Peek On My Thoughts

Tell me, whenever you tilt your head to gaze in the night time, do you see the specks that blink back at you?

Do you or do you not?

déjà vu

(n.)  a feeling of having already experienced the present situation.

 Have you ever felt as if you are in a familiar situation when in fact, what you’re experiencing is in its most pristine state? It’s a fascinating phenomenon where our brain tricks us into thinking that we have already experienced a brand new event before when in fact, we haven’t.

It is as if our own mind is playing games with us.

Have you encountered déjà vu in a form of a certain place? It isn’t an event. It’s a place. It is your first time being there but the vibe tells you “welcome back, wanderer!”. You felt as if you were finally home then reality snapped. You’re in a totally new place. You can’t accept that fact and you keep on repeating to yourself “napuntahan ko na to eh!”.

Have you encountered déjà vu in a form of a person? It is your first time meeting, or even, talking to that person but you two, or three, God knows how many, instantly forged a new familiar connection. It was as if you’ve known them from your previous lives. It feels comfortable. It’s beyond strange but comforting. Then it snapped. You’re talking to a stranger.

Who is beyond all these accidents, all these confusions, all these games?

Ourselves.

It’s funny how people are powerful enough to trick themselves unconsciously.

It’s amazing how all these are possible.

How a place can be your home instantly. How a group of people just dancing over there can feel like family instantaneously.

Déjà vu.

I feel like I’ve known you. Have we met centuries ago?

Days. Months. Years. Decades. Centuries.

It’s been forever since the last time I knew myself. I can’t even recognize the lines where my own emotions and my thoughts lie. I don’t mind being read openly by anyone but can someone actually listen? I don’t want to be heard, I want to be listened to. Just  for this fragment of time. As I am writing this, I’m here stuck in front of a PC at work where we all become a collective human machine, trying to generate fortune just for mere survival. I’d love to get out of this place for a while and stride away with anybody who could just waste her/his time with me.

Just a little story time on why the hell did I get into this unending free fall.

Four years ago, a huge chunk in me was stripped aggressively away and I didn’t even do anything to stop it, let alone to patch it up with genuine intentions.

I was patching it up with nothing but dead hopes.

Searching for someone who I could openly vent to, with no reservations, has been a difficult quest for me. I’m in a guild together with sorrow and hopelessness. I thought that saving can be in a form of my father or my best-est friend in the whole wild and wide world but the more I take a step closer to them, the more distant I felt not only from them but from myself as well. I don’t get you, Lei. Do I really need someone? Is the company of a person really the thing that I look for or the reassurances that I repeatedly tell myself but badly want to hear from someone else.

 It’s been a difficult road for me. If I were given a chance to step back, I would probably live a less miserable life. I have so much in my mind, it makes me numb. Eyes are both pooled by tears but these lids keep on holding it altogether. Thank you, Lei but I still don’t get you. You know what pushed down the pit? The idea that I have given a person the power to crush me even finer than I was crushed before. Let me tell you a brief story so you could get what the hell I am saying.

 Back in 2009 I think I just met the love of my life, my soul mate, but I only realized that close-to-fact fact when the year 2013 came. He was my best friend. He was the greatest artist I have ever met (subjectively speaking) and good God, 2014 happened and behold.... it all disappeared. I just wished that I can still be the art in his canvas but I can’t any more. He found better materials. He found better inspirations. He found the better subject. That gave me something to ponder on. Fuck, I lost my best friend, my soul mate, and the “possible” love of my life all at once. I moved on for two solid years. I kept on looking for him through the presence of every man I met. My heart for him was torn several times but from that experience, my heart for arts bloomed. So intimately. I owe him my passion in art that never, ever, will be lost.

Next, 2016 came. I met someone. I never thought I’d be with him but it just happened. He’s the first man I committed myself to. He’s the total opposite of the first man I loved. I don’t have much to say. The connection was hard to explain. Everything felt so shallow. I gave him everything I wish I would have given to my first love. I don’t know. This where I can say that something crushed me finer than I was crushed before. Cue for regrets!

Fast forward to when I am alone again, 2018. I just ended that relationship. It was a breather but why do I still feel as if I am strangled by my worst enemy, Sorrow? Sorrow, leave me alone.

 These events blurred my vision on my purpose and my worth. I thought I know what I want. I really thought. I believed that I have it altogether. I really believed. It’s so ironic how I can manage to stand up for people, be there constantly for my friends, motivate my acquaintances, and appreciate everyone around me while I can’t do even a slightest, similar, aforementioned acts of positivity to myself. 

Do I even mean to anybody else? Aside from familial love, that familiar friendly connections, or am I just a living void? I don’t know. I don’t even know what or how I mean to my self. Who am I to and for you?

 I can’t think of anything to conclude this entry. I just realized that it’s, again, the first time in months that I poured my thoughts out in a blog. Thanks for reading, whoever you are.