🧳🍂🌾🧸🏷🤎

someone does something upsetting and i don’t understand why for a very long time. i am upset and resentful at that person even though they have perhaps left my life. then, a year later or maybe two or five, i read a book in which a character makes very similar choices to theirs. i am that much closer to understanding. i likely never will fully, but there is so much gratification in being closer and within that being able to forgive. this is one of the many reasons why we read.

don’t you just hate that internet and social media culture has ruined the entire concept of never speaking to someone again. not in a “i hate you i never want to speak to you again” but in a romantic “parting is such sweet sorrow... if we never meet again, let me leave you with this” and then you write a sick line asking your person to remember you fondly and faintly, so it will not hurt so much. as though waking from a pleasant and fleeting dream. and all you both have to rely on is just THINKING of the other person and hoping they’re doing the same, desperate to believe that if fate pushed you together once there’s no reason why she couldn’t do it again??? ugh now you can just reverse image search someone or find their email on linkdin. and we live like this??

and maybe maybe maybe these 8-9 hour weekends would be easier if i knew that there was someone to talk to when i got home but they’re all tired and she’ll be at prom and he probably doesn’t even remember my birthday. i just want to sit and to talk in the sun about things that really matter to me and that might make all of this worth it.

i am so clumsy with words it’s like the part of my brain that makes words is a show that got thrown into a washing machine and it just bangs around and cycles through tall the same things everyone else has already said a million different ways a million times over and even though it’s really important that the shoes get clean for some event, they’re still dirty and i’m still clumsy and i keep trying to wash them.