Year 27 INTP-Cancer

My life drowns in it. I’ve never been so filled with energy as when I heard her knock at the door. I pretty much knew it was her, and I did know it was unexpected company. I scrambled to assemble myself with adrenaline pumping as much as when I beat Eli.

My adrenaline is still pumping. Why is this my reaction. Why did she show up just as I felt the last pains of longing disappeared. My feelings were wrong.

Between depression and mania, is it so bad to pass the illusion of waiting while in all actual being unable to summon the strength to bind my will into action? I find myself using the mania to uplift those with any sense of dependency on myself, only to resolve the daily cycle alone (with my cat) lacking interest in even treating my faulty mentality with entertainment.

From time to time I wonder if I’ve permanently damaged my brain chemistry in the distant past or somewhat recent emotional trauma. Is it even emotional trauma that transpired or the resounding and familiar feeling of loneliness? The reality is for some reason the intense pain I experienced following the weeks after Nicole’s arrest has dissipated significantly, in comparison I feel more a downward internal spiral in my yearning for someone else. This is difficult for me to admit.

The entire relational cycle I feel I’m able to see with far more clarity every passing day. In the beginning I fell in Love with someone who got lost in the over complexity of the reality I dictated, in her idolization of me and attempt at integration in my former easy lifestyle her psyche broke apart. A combination of self perpetuating emotional stress, overindulgence in toxic substances, social circles based off addicts and users, unrealistic expectations and other unmentionables contributed to the individual residing in the current existence called Nicole. Upon the reception of new information and generous reflection time a far darker picture that seems as accurate as the convincing face value she iterated, reiterated, and practically brainwashed into me.

Sadness the primary result, as the experience appears the only substance other than the reinforcement of an old lesson I often disregard related to people showing their true colours only in time. As my father would say and I never doubted, Time reveals everything.

Should I fix my bumper today?

Should I eat?