Every little step is progress

I’ve been far too parasocial, far too clingy, to the point of crossing boundaries and making others uncomfortable. I’ve never made an apology like this before; I’ll be honest about everything. I can only explain what was going through my head at that time, but none of it is a justification, it never will be, and I can only work on it to prevent all of this from happening again.

My previous account was deleted out of guilt and panic, and I kept checking others accounts then in late March, only to see what those who blocked said about me, I wanted to know what I was doing wrong then, but it only crossed boundaries again. And it led to further spiraling until someone sat down and spoke to me, I was too upset to think, I hurt so many fans in the community, and I wanted to fix things fast then than give it more thought and time. I was too impulsive and panicked, and it only made things worse.

For the last several months, I’ve been talking and thinking about what happened with professionals. The majority concluded That there was no malice involved, but I suffered from “dependency disorder”, a disorder in which you constantly rely on others for assurance or fear of being alone. And I was afraid of being alone more than anything. This has gone undiagnosed for years, and considered to have maladaptive skills. I’m currently still in group therapy to practice better boundaries, learning how to manage stress, anxiety and panic. Better coping skills I never bothered to learn out of fear of change. I never wanted anyone to be emotionally hurt, I constantly fear accidentally hurting people because of my social skills, I’m aware how damn oblivious I am, and it hurts how so much of this could have been avoided if I bothered to learn healthier skills sooner, it’s my fault everyone is hurt, It’s my fault I’m like this. No one else is at fault.

I kept breaking boundaries in thoughts of “maybe like this its ok?, maybe this can be an exception if I can make it work like this?” And other times it is just barging in freaking out without considering the person’s feelings. None of what I did was healthy for those involved.

I’m horrified with how many I’ve hurt, I gave so much trouble to everyone, I’m sorry for putting so much pressure on you when I struggled with communicating to others, I’m sorry for coming into your dms when I was panicking, and used you as a therapist, a sort of security blanket. I’m sorry, I took so long to get help. I thought that after getting advice, I would instantly know not to make that mistake again, but I’ve should have taken time to sit down and think about it more than panicking to fix things or avoid my own uncomfortable thoughts. I’m so sorry I put you through so much crap instead of looking to a therapist, you told me multiple times to take it to them, but I feared so much they wouldn’t understand, I…I never bothered trying out of fear and ended up hurting you more. I kept crossing your boundaries when you were so patient with me, and I took it for granted rather than getting proper help. I’m still getting help, and its been a good progress but I still need more to do with the program. I understand if you don’t forgive after my behavior. I hope you’re doing alright. And I hope the future is kind to you.

I’m sorry Dingle, for getting you involved. I’m sorry for putting gore in your fic, I didn’t think at the time it would hurt, because to me, it was mild...but it still hurt you. I really did think at the time that peppino sacrificing his own chance at a cure to cure his adopted kid ( dingles oc) while getting himself injured showcased how peppino is willing to go through hell to help his kid. a character going through hell but having a happy ending, but in my excitement, I didn't realize how hurtful it was to write such angst of their comfort character without their permission. I’m sorry I vented my fears to you.  I really shouldn’t have interacted with them as nervous and panicky as I was, I shouldn’t have said “oh your uncomfortable? Maybe I’ll cancel the fic then :(“ though that wasn’t meant to be guilt tripping but me being sad because I liked the concept, but I said it guilt trippy. I shouldn’t have interacted with my self-esteem and emotional instability. It got them hurt, confused, and traumatized. I never wanted them hurt or feel used. I thought I was being a friend with sharing small vents. But I should have stepped away. They probably wouldn’t be as hurt today. And it wasn’t exclusive to them, my instability and low self-esteem made others “emotional care givers” I’m sorry I went in others dms and get others involved, adults and teens alike in my nervous breakdowns, and constantly seeking validation. I honestly thought it was normal to share distress to a certain extent with people you knew, but I was too over trusting, and it put pressure on the same people I looked up to. I was maladaptive.

I’m also sorry for sharing private conversations with others in forms of text or screenshots, the intent, in my perspective then, was to avoid misunderstandings, as I felt I poorly explained things or poorly understood what the messages were saying due to be aware of my own autism, a part of that reassurance aspect handled in the worst way. It made people instead feel they were only getting side of the issue, not to mention a breach of trust and privacy as they did not consent to these. This was not the correct way for me to handle those situations at all, and I will never do it again, I’m sorry.

I never wanted drama, slander or harm. I just wanted to be a part of the Pizza Tower community, I saw people sharing art and making art for others in the PT community, and I thought, hey I like their characters and ocs and art. Maybe I can write for them, I can’t draw so why not write for them. I want to do nice things for others fans, make friends with people share my creations and make people come together and be happy.  I wanted fans to get along with each other, I wanted to bring everyone closer together as a fandom, I wanted to be part of it.  But all I ended up doing was being parasocial and clingy and hurt everyone, I just wanted to make friends, I just wanted everyone happy. And I was stupid about it.

 I thought I was making friends by writing those fics, but despite truly liking those ocs , and respecting those artists, was more of a seal of friendship than building a natural friendship. What I thought was a kind gesture was crossing a boundary. And it put those creators in uncomfortable positions. Not on

This fandom made me so happy that whenever I saw someone lose interest or leave, I felt scared I would lose that happiness. It’s also why I reacted to people leaving Rads server. I also tried to make sure people got along and felt scared when people fought or were angry with each other and would share it with those who knew another, out of fear of people breaking apart. To keep the peace, I didn’t want people to misunderstand each other because I knew how scary that feeling was. And I saw myself in turn, being so intent to be happy and checking on people if they were ok, as annoying.  None of this is an excuse, I got too invasive and involved. In wanting to make friends and felt liked and belonging as well, I got too nervous that I was stressing people out and panicked, asking if I was annoying them. And yet I kept doing it just to be liked and validated. Because I feared being disliked and alone more than anything in the world, and developed unhealthy coping habits I feared to stop, afraid to develop healthy ones only fearing “what if the healthy ones won’t work? The current one can’t be hurting anyone.” They did, and it snowballed to what lead up to this.

I was selfish in trying to avoid paranoia and keep myself happy without taking another’s feelings into consideration. I will no longer be doing such and will keep it completely between my therapists. And the reason I didn’t before, is I feared they wouldn’t understand fandom or my fears well.

I kept wanting others happiness but also my own, and it conflicted with each other, and I got selfish. Sometimes you have got to sacrifice your own happiness to make others happy, but I wanted both. And it made me controlling just to have both.

It’s been scary writing this all out, I have autism, anxiety disorder, but its not an excuse. I can’t undo what I did, I wish I could, knowing how many people I hurt, But I can move forward with healthier skills I’ve gained and learned from Group therapy and the therapist. Though I tend to fear the unknown when it comes to the future. I won’t be doing what I did before for certain. After all what happened, I understand if you guys don’t want to forgive me, I still can’t forgive myself. But I never want to hurt anyone like that again. I want to be a better person.