this place is not a place of honor

its interesting how the people who say "my trauma made me funny" are never actually funny just uncomfortably self-deprecating

aborted abortion doctor: yea thats what i woulda did

Happy Friday afternoon! 😁☺️ We've done it! 😎😌 We've got to the end of the week ‼️✅️ We've locked 🔒 up ⬆️ our warehouse 🚚 we've parked ⛲️♿️ up our vans 🚐 we have logged off ❌️ our computers 💻 and I've quickly 🏃‍♂️ popped 🫧 into my local favorite pub 🍻🇬🇧 for a cheeky pint of beer ☺️🍺 and look 😳🔎 a little bit of 🤏 early dinner 🍴😋 because the wife 👰‍♀ I love her dearly 🥰❤️ but her cooking 🍳👩‍🍳 ain't that great 🙅‍♂️🤢 and we've got 😮 a stunning ✨️ beef and ale pie 🥧🍮 a bitofmashedpotatoes 🥔🧈 baked beans 🫘 in a pot 🫕 which I think 💭 is wrong 😤 but it's happeninganyway 🤷‍♂️ and of course a bit of gravy 🥣🍲 and you know me 😉 I never look 🚫👀 when I pour 🙈🫗 because I am ☝️‼️ the absolute govnah 💂‍♂️🧑‍💼 And listen goiuys 👂 hope you had a great week 😘⌚️ keep on smashin' life 💥😮 keep givin' it a hundred 💯 and ten 🔟 per cent 🔣 and don't go home 🏠 until you're proud ✌️😌 And listen 🎧🙉 cheers to you all 🏅🎆 You deserve it 😉 A'bosh! ⁉️

your mom is a baked potato your dad's dumb ass is asparagus and you are a god damn green bean

cousins and coworkers are addicted to getting pregnant

is there anyone in the world capable of being more dull and joyless than a tumblr user lecturing you about not having enough whimsy