───  BE THE SERPENT BENEATH.

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SOMETHING  DEEPLY  PROFOUND  LIES  UNSPOKEN  BETWEEN  THEM,   something in the flicker of blue—black eyes as the captain levels them on her.     he’s seen this all before,  before the corps,  before he’d chosen the life of killing titans over the life of killing other humans.     his gaze remains impassive as it sweeps along the destruction around them ;    the rubble,  crushing so many innocent people ;    the sticky scent of blood drifting through the haze,  thick & cloying ;    the lingering cries for help,  for mercy,  for  anyone  out  there——

“  … i made my peace with being a devil long ago,  petra.     the notion of the hero is lost on a guy like me who has spent the better part of thirty years playing  THE  MONSTER.  ”

there’s a bitterness that laces his words like the gentian root he’s been forced to take on multiple occasions by hange when he’s experienced bouts of  stomach  trouble.     yes,  even the mighty  LEVI  ACKERMAN  has many of the same ailments as other humans do.     he suffers with occasional  loss  of  appetite,   something that can be deadly given their lifestyle … but with the sight that’s currently laid out in front of them,  levi can already taste that tincture in his future.

in truth he wants to offer her some words of comfort,  something to take the edge off of an already horrid situation.     petra has been a loyal soldier,  following his every command without question even when things had seemed to be at their bleakest … but  THIS?     doubtless in his mind,  she hadn’t been born for  warfare.     fighting titans is one thing :    KILLING  HUMANS  IS  ANOTHER  THING  ENTIRELY.     ESPECIALLY  THE  INNOCENT  ONES.

yet when he opens his mouth again,  nothing comes out.     he’s  paralyzed.

all around him are the eyes of those that had gone before him :    eld,  gunther,  oluo,  farlan,  isabel … his mother.     ERWIN.     the weight of it all settles onto his shoulders,  comfortable,  a resting predator that lazes about after a heavy meal of hopes & dreams & innocent flesh.     it’s  his  responsibility  now,   as  it  has  always  been.     & when he stares at the ground beneath his boots,  as grey & mucky as his headspace feels,  levi cannot help feeling as if he’d  FAILED  THEM  ALL.

“  … but … that doesn’t mean that  you  deserve that fate too,  or the rest of my squad,  or that any of those people did.     no one,  not even eren jaeger,  gets to define someone’s destiny like that :    we’ll just have to  MAKE  OUR  OWN  HOPE  since he’s so clearly fucked us all out of what little he’d given us.

“  that speck of hope we had in him is why this shit is so goddamn hard,  why we fight so fucking hard for a scrap of what’s justly  ours  to deserve.     eren jaeger doesn’t understand the taste of piss & shit,  the feeling of going to bed with dried blood on your hands & legs,  the sound of your mother being beaten within an inch of her life in the room next door.     he lost his mother to the titans :     big  fucking  deal.     we’ve  ALL  lost someone we love to the fucking titans.     eren jaeger isn’t a monster :    he’s a fucking child throwing a tantrum in a giant fucking meat suit because he thinks he’s been oppressed.     there are  real  monsters in this world,  petra,  & they look just like you & me.     thing is?     I  DON’T  SEE  ANY  OF  THEM  HERE.

“  i want to tell you that things will be okay.     that we’ll figure this shit out,  that hange can be just like  ERWIN  & can tell the top brass back home what the shit happened here & avoid an all—out fucking  war.     that we can negotiate a fucking  PRICE  for the death toll here today.     but i’m not a fucking bureaucrat :    i’m not gonna  lie  to  you  for your own sake or my own or some fucking cause that i’m supposed to sell myself to.     you know me better than that.     so  YEAH,   maybe we’re the villains in this story for failing jaeger.     maybe we could’ve done something to strike that balance years ago.     but i’m not about to beat myself up over the fucking  ‘what if’s,  petra,  & neither should you :    because  THERE  IS  NO  BALANCE.     THERE  NEVER  WAS.  ”

again his words taste of gentian :    a  bitter  goddamn  pill  to  swallow.

she  laughs  ,  a bitter  ,  hollow thing compared to what it once was.  how many  comrades  ,  how many  friends  had she lost to the titans  ,  how brutally had gunther  ,  eld  ,  even  oluo  been killed right before her eyes ??  she remembered their faces  ,  the final expressions they wore before they died  ,  remembered their bodies in the forest  ,  remembered the  blood    it haunted her  ,  it motivated her  ,  it  angered  &  upset her.  she had to make sure they didn’t die in  vain  ,  that their sacrifice  ,  that everyone’s  loss  &  pain  &  suffering  was worth  something  in the end.  it terrified her to think it might all be for  nothing  . 

‘ ....he’s certainly not the person i thought he was. ’ 

her grip on her gun loosens  &  she  sighs  ,  closing her eyes for a moment.  she’s not sure if she believes in devils  ,  or angels  ,  or heroes  &  monsters  &  the stuff of fairytales anymore.  frankly  ,  petra isn’t sure she  ever  did  ,  even as a girl.  fairytales weren’t  reality  ,  &  heroes couldn’t help anyone without getting their hands dirty.  she learned that quick  ,  it was how she  survived  as long as she did.  it almost  soothes  her  ,  to hear the bitter truth from levi more than anything else.  she doesn’t  want  a lie  ,  or anything  sugar-coated  ,  she isn’t so naïve as to  need  it anymore.

she just wants a  reason  ,  a  good  one for all the bloodshed.

‘ and maybe that is our fault.  or maybe it’s someone else’s.  or maybe it’s just the fault of this horrible, fucked up world.  and maybe we are the villains, or maybe we aren’t, maybe we’re all just people, fighting to protect the people we still have. ’ 

her hands twitch as she holsters her gun  ,  sets it aside  &  closes her eyes.  it’s the instinctive urge to  reach out  ,  to hold  ,  to touch  ,  to  protect  the people she cares about  ,  hold them close to her as if that would protect them from much of  anything  .  she holds them tightly  ,  curls her hands into  fists  ,  because now is not the time for her to have a soft heart  ,  now is not the time for her to  care  . 

‘ i’m not sure of the truth anymore, not really.  i think the only thing i am sure of is that as long as i can stand, i’m going to fight.  for every single person we lost.  it’s all i can do, so i will, no matter who i’m fighting. ’ 

she looks up from her hands after a moment  ,  renewed resolve flaring.  it’s not like her to lay down  &  surrender  when things get messy  ,  because it’s  always  been messy.  she just wants to make this terrible  ,  awful  world just a little bit better for people.

let me assign you a love language.

a story that ends in blood.

The world has always been unkind, and when you have turned to yourself for comfort you have come face to face with an empty pit which seems to be laughing. You don’t care if it kills you but once you find someone whom you love and who loves you back, you will make sure nothing happens to them. They are yours. You will make a tear in this world and create a new place for you and your love if it comes to that. Because it has always been about love, and it is how it always ends.

@onyxium​ said: “  the world isn’t made up of heroes and monsters. just broken people balancing between the two.  ” lost meme.

petra’s hair is getting long  ,  much longer than she normally would’ve liked to keep it.  she can tell because these days  ,  she has to tie it back  ,  keep it out of her face so it doesn’t block her vision  ,  so it doesn’t get her killed.  but she doesn’t cut it  ,  nor does she ask anyone else to.  in the grand scheme of things right now  ,  the length of her hair is  hardly  something worth caring about  ,  but care she does all the same.

it reminds her just how much time has passed since everything changed  ,  since  they  had to change  ,  since  she  had changed.

she’s been staring  numbly  at the gun in her hand for a while now  ,  it’s  levi’s  voice that breaks her out of her trance  ,  &  from behind a piece of hair  ,  she smiles  ,  but it’s weak.  it’s weak  &  fragile  &  oh so  tired  ,  just like her.

‘ is that what happened, then ??  did we just...fall out of balance ?? ’ 

one hand tucks the loose strand of hair behind her ear  ,  smile falling from her face as she speaks.  her voice sounds  hoarse  ,  as though she hasn’t spoken in a while  ,  &  perhaps that’s true.

if there were no heroes  &  there were no monsters  ,  what did you call someone who started a war by killing innocent people ??  without heroes  &  monsters  ,  what was she supposed to think of herself  ,  numbed by the sights  &  sounds of war  &  ruin ?? 

‘ you know i’ll fight no matter what.  if you think it’s right, if you want to charge ahead, you know i’ll follow. ’ 

her throat seems to close around her next statement  ,  compassion spilling freely from her bleeding heart.  she’d been killing titans for a long time  ,  though she supposed that with what they knew now  ,  fighting real people  ,  killing  real people wasn’t all that different.

kill or  be  killed  ,  isn’t that how the world works ?? 

‘ but... ’

she wavers for a moment  ,  the hands around her gun clutching it  tightly  now.  she said she would follow him anywhere  ,  she meant that with  all  her heart.  but  this  ??  petra wasn’t sure she was meant for this  ,  for this kind of bloodshed  ,  to look another person in the eye as  she  killed them.

&  what was any of it for anyways ??  why did they start this war ??  what was the plan ??  what was the  reason  now for any of it ?? 

‘ but i didn’t....all those innocent people.... ’ 

children crushed in the street  ,  in the stands at the play  ,  mothers  &  fathers killed alongside them  ,  protecting their children.  so much damage  &  destruction  ,  so much  innocent  blood spilled.  they couldn’t stay out of this war any longer  ,  not with all the blood that petra was sure stained their hands now.

but the blood wasn’t what bothered her  ,  nor the death.  she’d seen plenty of it when reiner  &  bertholdt the armored  &  colossal titans tried to bring down the walls  ,  when zeke the beast titan  slaughtered  dozens of her comrades  &  the recruits.

what bothered her  ,  what  always  bothered her  ,  was never the dead of war.

it was the living. 

‘ ....is all of this because we’re supposed to believe in eren ??  are we throwing aside our own humanity....because he’s supposed to be the one to save us ?? ’ 

he’s not a god  ,  she wanted to say  ,  he’s not a god or a hero or some kind of savior  .  at one point  ,  perhaps she’d have defended him with more  vigor  than she cursed him now.  was this what he wanted  ,  to get the  rest  of them killed fighting his stupid war ??

once upon a time  ,  petra would’ve been  happy  to die protecting him  ,  she almost  had  once before.  but  now  ,  he was someone else.  the eren she knew was  gone  ,  no bringing him back now.

@petral​ (starter call, acc.)

———- Human embodiment of nonchalence, Eld Gin sits alone in the room allocated solely to his squad; their own little haven of peace when all four of them and their captain grow weary of other people’s company, or indulge in one of their famous tea breaks. Legs stretched out before him as he sits at the table, a cup of said tea cooling down in his hand and paperwork in the other, Captain Levi’s second-in-command is too absorbed in his thoughts to notice the hurried and determined footsteps coming from the corridor; only know he’s not alone anymore when a hurricane flungs the door open and gives way to none other than Petra Ral. A very irritated, possibly very scary Petra Ral.

“… Petra?” Eld’s voice pipes up, quiet and breathy as a flute; sometimes makes it hard to imagine a man with this timbre may be able to display any semblance of authority, and yet. Without a sign of hurry in the world, Eld drops the file on the table,leaves his tea on top of it, and crosses his hands upon his stomach; hazel eyes calmly fixed upon his friend, a hint of quiet concern in them, laced with his usual curiosity. “Is everything okay? You look like you just bit someone, or are just about to.” 

‘ i might. ’ 

were she less  angry  ,  she might’ve been more careful with opening the door  ,  it always felt  rude  to slam things.  but she’s  annoyed  ,  she’s  angry  really  ,  &  she frowns up at eld  ,  arms crossed over her chest.  violence wasn’t  usually  her thing  ,  she stuck to her viper tongue  &  sharp words  ,  but biting someone sounded  much  more cathartic than being  mean  .

‘ it’s not that important, really.  sorry for bothering you. ’ 

it’s not  eld  she’s mad at  ,  it wouldn’t be very  fair  to take it out on him  ,  &  she sighs  ,  closing her eyes  &  digging her fingers into her temples for a moment.  she didn’t like being angry  ,  &  it wasn’t very productive to stew in it  ,  so she boxes it up  &  puts it aside  ,  huffing quietly as she does so. 

NAME :     Petra Ral NICKNAME(S) :     None really, but not opposed to them. GENDER :     Cis female. ORIENTATION :     Bisexual, has dated/slept with both men and women. PREFERRED  PET  NAMES :     'dear/sweetheart’/etc.’, the more sweet or romantic ones are fine once in a while in public, ‘baby/babe/etc.’ are more preferred for private situations. RELATIONSHIP  STATUS :     single. ADMIN’S  FAVORITE  CANON  SHIPS :     bold of you to assume petra gets canon relationships :’) ADMIN’S  FAVORITE  NON—CANON  SHIPS :     i will admit, i love rivetra, but otherwise, whatever happens happens and will get all my uwus OPINION  ON  TRUE  LOVE :     believes that it’s a nice idea in theory, isn’t too sure about how real it is. OPINION  ON  LOVE  AT  FIRST  SIGHT :     Definitely doesn’t think it’s real, believes that love is something you work to build and nurture, thinks that more than anything you choose to love people and work at it. HOW  ‘ ROMANTIC ’  IS  SHE :     Not particularly on the surface or around others.  She does enjoy showing affection in several ways ( physical, telling people things that made her think of them, etc. ), but in private she can definitely be more romantic.  She prefers small, meaningful gestures between her and her partner more than anything else. IDEAL  PHYSICAL  TRAITS  IN  A  PARTNER :     No real preferences, but she will admit that she likes being shorter than her partner.  Otherwise, she’d like someone who can keep up with her. UNATTRACTIVE  PERSONALITY  TRAITS  IN  A  PARTNER :    Cruelty, indifference, lying, mistreatment of others, dislike of animals, unorganized/messy, rude, cowardice, disloyal/flaky. AVERAGE  RELATIONSHIP  LENGTH :    Her longest was a boyfriend of three years, but they broke up because he didn’t like how close she put herself to death being in the survey corps.  She still keeps the necklace he made her. PREFERRED  NON—SEXUAL  INTIMACY :     shared activities, spending time together, talking about whatever comes to mind, even doing assigned chores or tasks together. COMMITMENT  LEVEL :     Once she’s in, she’s in, and never does anything with less than 100%.  She’s committed to relationships for as long as they last, and doesn’t have any particular reservations about commitment. OPINION  ON  PUBLIC  AFFECTION :     Hand holding or more subtle things are fine, but she wouldn’t be comfortable with anything past that, generally speaking. PAST  PARTNERS :     Unnamed boyfriend and a few flings, she doesn’t talk about her relationships often, if ever.