Missy Esther

Ugh, man. So I started this secondary tumblr page as a way to keep myself sane through nursing school. That rodeo was NOT easy -- almost took me out a few times but I can say there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

I ended up graduating last year with my BSN, and then took the NCLEX about a month after graduating. I got all 150 questions, bawled my eyes out, and somehow someway passed. I even got my PHN license too.

So all of that is exciting. I don't recall if I ever updated you all about my CNA job during nursing school? Well, I ended up staying in the same hospital. I ended up at our Emergency Department for my senior nursing preceptorship, and somehow someway managed to make it back in as part of my new grad RN program.

I started back in September 2024, I am now 2 months away from being able to say that I am no longer a new grad nurse and I will have been a working nurse for 1 year now.

I felt terrified, lots of imposter syndrome, and riddled with anxiety at the beginning. It then went away, but guess what?

It came right back. Because I am switching into the main ED and I feel useless and incompetent all over again.

But, I will eventually feel better after repeated exposure and making the mistakes I need to make in order to learn and to be a safer nurse.

I'm really just writing this post to be more reflective on how far I've come.

I am truly in a very lucky position at the moment, but I feel ever so consumed by my imposter syndrome.

It's also been impossible to take care of myself lately. I have burnt out.

I feel like I've been stuck in a "functional freeze" after work. I switched from days to nights and although I enjoy nights, I also don't have a social life anymore and I sleep so much in between shifts.

I am coming back from being sick as well for the past couple of weeks, which has caused me to be out of work for a while too.

I'm really writing this more for my future self, who I hope is faring better than I am now. I can speak to my past self, the one who was terrified to begin working as a nurse, to take on the legal responsibilities that came with my license, that I do feel much better from when I first began, it's just that you can't get too comfortable where you're at because you're not done moving positions yet, so don't settle. I can't settle yet.

I am, still relatively speaking, at the very, very beginning of my career. I got into this field at a very young age and so wanting to live out my 20's and wanting to be debt free and a good, experienced nurse are clashing with each other at the same time. Lately it's been difficult to separate my actual personality from the profession. My mistakes have been burdening me tenfold.

Honestly though, I think what I really need is a long vacation. I accrued all that PTO for a reason, right?

I'm just shocked at the fact that I'm in the position that I'm at now. Like, there is no way this terrified and anxious little student nurse actually made it this far. That's where the imposter syndrome really hits.

I wonder how I'll feel in a year. I wonder how much better I'll feel in two years. And I wonder what hospital, department, or position I'll end up at in five years.

Until then, thank you for making it this far. I am proud of myself, even though I feel so consumed by anxiety. Thank you for sticking it out and trying your best. I hope I feel less lonely in the future, and will feel better about myself and my skill set soon.

Best,