Make me feel again

I know you’re not ready to talk to me. I’m not sure you ever will be. And I have to be okay with that. There’s so much I want to say, so much I want to make amends for, but I know what I want doesn’t really matter. It’s not about that. It’s about hoping that you know I see where I want wrong, how I hurt you, how so much of what happened you didn’t deserve. After you left, I drowned myself in alcohol and drugs because I didn’t know how to handle losing you. For a long time, I blamed you for my addictions, thinking anyone would be choking down liquor and snorting coke and heroin if they were dealing with what I was dealing with. But that’s just not true. I couldn’t take any accountability for my own choices and the places where I failed. I was a perpetual victim and I was comfortable convincing myself of that. But since getting help and being sober, I know for a fact I was never a victim. In fact, I was the perpetrator. I hurt you on such a deep level and I could never see it before. I called you names and gossiped about you to anyone who would listen because I wanted people to feel bad for me, to encourage the idea that I was right, that you deserved to be depicted as the bad guy. But it’s not that simple and it’s just simply not true. I created an atmosphere in our relationship where you didn’t feel comfortable telling me how you were feeling, how you were having feelings for someone else and I refused to see it or be willing to discuss it. My alcoholism was gaining momentum at the end of our relationship and I know I was miserable to be around. I see that now. I pushed you away, and into his arms, because I was experiencing depression, selfishness, self-pity, and addiction that I couldn’t identify at the time. How was I to expect you to handle that when I couldn’t even admit it? I wasn’t able to provide you love, affection, respect, and healthy communication that you needed and that you deserved. I placed expectations on you that were impossible to achieve. I wanted you to be someone that you weren’t, someone who wasn’t attracted to anyone but me, someone who was ready for intense commitment at such a young age, someone who could be everything I needed from all types of relationships, and those expectations are unfair and overwhelming. I always told you we were never friends and I refused to see how much that comment hurt you every time I said it. I was selfish and inconsiderate of your feelings too many times to count. I abandoned you because I was only thinking of myself. When your grandma died, I wasn’t there. I failed you. That’s something I will regret for a long time. Every time you tried to heal our relationship, I wouldn’t let you because I was too busy feeling sorry for myself. I used our relationship to define who I was for so long and that wasn’t fair to you. I was incredibly codependent on you which I know caused you stress and prevented you from creating friendships. You are so beautiful and kind and talented and I used you to validate my own existence, because you loved me meant that I mattered and that mindset is completely unhealthy and selfish and unfair. I humiliated you at the place we worked because I was embarrassed about the way our relationship ended. Once again, self-centered and self-pitying. I betrayed you, hurt you, embarrassed you, and blamed you. I’m ashamed of all of it. I’m ashamed I didn’t handle it better. I’m ashamed of the way I treated you. I claimed to love you and yet I purposefully hurt you. I’m still working on forgiving myself for it all. I pray for you every night, asking my higher power to protect you, to make sure you are being loved and that you are loving others, that no one treats you or makes you feel the way I did. I hoped I could say all of this to you in person, but maybe I don’t deserve that. You deserve to live your life in peace, without me causing you anymore pain than I already have. I hope you can heal from our relationship and know that you deserved better. All I can do now is make living amends by being a better person, a better friend, and a better girlfriend to whoever I’m with in the future. I think of all the ways I’ve failed you every day and am trying to fix it with the new people in my life, to never make them feel the way I made you feel. From the bottom of my heart, I hope you are living a life full of peace, happiness, success, and love. Anyone in your life today are lucky to be there. I hope you never forget that.