kind regards, i'm quitting || Porco Galliard is a demanding CFO who woke up and chose violence. Who does he think he is?
red tape || You work in HR, Porco works in IT. Somehow your laptop breaks down every day. And itâs definitely not because you like seeing his pretty face first thing in the morning.
grenouille || What do you mean fake dating someone just to piss off your ex is a bad idea?
love is blind || Jean Kirstein has a problem - he's stuck on a dating show just to prove his best friend that his girlfriends were not all gold diggers who only dated him for his looks and money. How hard can it be to get fifteen women to fall in love with him sight unseen in only ten days?
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i am so amused with love is blind!!! already waiting for the next parts!!
hiya sweets!
i'm so glad you enjoyed it! unfortunately work has been hectic so i haven't had the chance to write anything for that fic but i'm hoping i'll be able to write the next part this weekend, i'm sooooorry! :(
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me? letting an entire fic play out in my head from beginning to end and not writing a single thing down, thus forever sealing it in my brain as a self-indulgent relic that will never see the light of day??Â
porco and y/n being best friends but they're way too comfortable with each other to be just friends and everyone just assumes they're married but they're both like wE'rE jUsT fRiEnDs? but they live together and pieck already called dibs on being the godmother of their future children
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Itâs a meme at this point that Porcoâs Jaw kept getting his cheeks clapped by Erenâs titan, but also remember Ereh had three titans inside of him (eheheheheh) and the whole Survey Corps helping him. On hand-to-hand human combat, Porco would beat the shit out of Eren on a Tuesday morning and still be on time for work.
Summary: What do you mean fake dating someone just to piss off your ex is a bad idea?
Pairing: Porco Galliard x FemReader (Modern AU), ex Floch Forster x FemReader
Warnings & Content: language, alcohol consumption, mentions of emotional abuse, mentions of cheating, suggestive language (only if you squint), fake dating, somewhat of a rushed ending because i'm way too tired at this point to second guess my brain and its decisions
Word Count: 8.7k
A/N: me? Getting out of my cave and coming back to write a massive one-shot after two years of absolutely nothing because I am a whore for Porco Galliard? More likely than you think
âDo you really think heâs going to be there, though?â
You look up from your wine glass to Sasha with a frown. Her expression seems too calculated to be simply brushed off as bored. You can tell sheâs studying your reactions, careful not to trigger any bad memories, trying to keep you in the joking mood. Even if itâs a result of your petty musings.
âOf course heâs going to be there, Sash. What are you on about?â You scoff. âHe was there last time. I know that motherfucker too well to know heâs already planning to âbumpâ into me with that little girlfriend of his just to rub it in my face.â
Itâs definitely a curse and a blessing to know your ex so well that even after nearly a year from breaking up, you can still predict his every move. You made the mistake of underestimating him once and the asshole appeared next to you at your favourite festival like a fucking nightmare come to life.
You know that one year later you shouldnât be thinking about him, shouldnât be making contingency plans just to be prepared for the possibility of seeing him yet again. But you said that last time and were left with a pathetic excuse of a manchild sobbing in your arms that he misses you and loves you, even though he had a girlfriend at home. Even though youâve broken up with him a few months prior after years of manipulation and disrespect and cheating.
You are over him, you truly are. What you are still dealing with is the aftermath â the trauma responses and the inability to hold a relationship for more than a few weeks just because you immediately see the red flags from a mile away.
And maybe youâre just a tiny bit petty. Just a sliver of petty, because how is it fair that one year later, heâs âhappily in loveâ with someone else and you are still trying to patch yourself back together? And maybe you feel like you should have your revenge one way or another. Youâre not a vengeful person, you donât even like conflict, but for fuckâs sake, wouldnât it be nice, wouldnât it be just dandy to give him just a little bit of his own medicine?
âI have an idea.â You say, gears turning in your head, that Grinch grin taking over all of your features.
Sasha looks worried for a second, but this girl is just as petty as you are, if not even more, so it soon turns into a mirrored grin. Sheâll enable all of your bullshit, just so she can revel in the hilarity of it all. Mikasa would both kill you if she were here, but fortunately she is not, and you can both make stupid plans while wine drunk at 12 am on a Friday night.
âI already love and hate this.â
âNo, no, listen here. Itâs the perfect plan. Are you listening?â You giggle and boop her nose, making her nearly fall back on the floor.
âIâm all ears, baby. Hit me!â
âSo we go to the festival, right.â You start, counting the steps on your fingers and Sasha nods. Thereâs no need to explain the first step â your group of friends hasnât missed any winter or summer edition of this festival for the past three years. âWe bump into He Who Shall Not Be Named. I am fake dating someone who thinks I hung the moon. Bam! It pisses Darth Vader off so badly he finally leaves me alone.â
Youâre still grinning, glee written all over your face (it might just be the wine though). However, Sasha looks confused (it might just be the wine though). She pours more wine in your glasses, trying to process the plan you came up with. Truthfully, she was expecting something moreâŠsparkly, chaotic, dumb. You have the potential to ensue chaos and this is what you come up with? You can feel the disappointment radiating off of her, but you let her stew in the idea for a couple of minutes â sheâll come around (or maybe youâre just too drunk to see the idiocy of it all).
âOk, ok,â Sasha starts, musing out loud. âBut why do you have to fake date someone?â
âSash, we both know I canât even hold down a friend with benefits because Iâm too fucking picky.â
âYouâre not picky, Y/N. You finally have standards.â
âPotayto, potahto.â You roll your eyes. âEven if I were to start date dating someone, it would be too late at this point. The festival is in nearly three months. No one will fall in love with me so badly in such a short period of time heâll look like heâll pop down on one knee right then and there.â
âSo youâre telling me you want to fake date someone just for that one evening in the entirely hypothetical possibility that your narcissistic ex will stalk you again and you want him to see you be in this amazing, lovely, healthy relationship with someone that is nothing like him and actually respects you and adores you the way that you deserve just so you can show that dickhead what he was supposed to be doing in the first place? And that he finally gets it through his thick skull that you will never ever get back with him, because thereâs now someone who loves you so much more, heâs like a puppy in your presence? Because thereâs nothing that pisses that asshole off more than someone who is better than him at something he thinks heâs the best at?â
You clap your hands in excitement and giggle at Sasha, who was so absorbed in her train of thought tirade, her own expression turns from confusion to absolute glee, as she grasped the concept.
âExactly!â
âThis is so fucked up.â Sasha whispers, but then that shit eating grin is back on her face. âDo it.â
*
Finding someone in less than three months whoâd be willing to go along with your stupid plan seems more impossible than being able to afford an apartment. Even with the help of all of your friends, youâve nearly given up on the whole thing.
Mikasa was, of course, disappointed in your immaturity and vowed never to let you and Sasha drink by yourselves ever again, so evidently she refused to initially take part in any of it, before she came around and started looking through her friends and family list. Since youâve known her for nearly 20 years and so all of her friends were also yours and her family practically adopted you, you both knew it would be a futile attempt. Eren and Annie were impressed by the ingenuity, but they simply removed themselves from the whole thing by declaring that âyouâre dumb, itâs a stupid idea, leave me out of it. Good luck though!â. Armin even suggested one board game night that heâll play the part if youâd like, but they all turned to him in various states of amusement and confusion.
âArmin, sweetheart, I appreciate it, but even if no one knew youâre married to Annie, everyone would figure out how whipped you are the moment you look at her.â You finally quipped after laughing hysterically for five minutes straight.
Connie, however, proved to be the most useful. He wriggled his way into your plan like the mastermind he is and proposed installing Tinder as a last resort.
âCon, babe, she had Tinder. She only met creeps on there.â Sasha chides her boyfriend with a shake of her head.
âYeah, but that time she was actively trying to find a boyfriend.â Connie point out. âYou know, trying to persuade someone to actually like her for her, which she obviously failed â â
âHey!â You shout from the kitchen, half listening in on the conversation as youâre cooking dinner.
âBecause itâs Tinder!â He shouts back, annoyed with the interruption. âThis time around, sheâll make it clear in her bio that sheâs only there for this reason only and maybe sheâll eventually find someone. You know, because guys are dumb and need to be explained stuff like they are five.â
âI donât knowâŠâ You huff, concentrated on not cutting your fingers.
You are one step away from calling the whole charade quits â the festival will take place in less than two months now and itâs obvious by now that all of your friends and their friends are either in relationships or married. At this point, you might just admit defeat and plan to just get drunk and ignore everyone there besides your friends. Maybe even your friends. There, direct your pettiness to the people who actually love and care about you.
âNo, listen, it actually makes sense.â Sasha says as they both make their way into the kitchen to set up the table. âThis way, the commitment-phobes wonât be afraid to interact with you because you donât want a relationship out of them. And the creeps will just leave you alone because youâre making it clear you wonât be a one-night stand.â
âWhat if thereâs a good guy there?!â
âY/N,â Connie raises an eyebrow. âItâs Tinder. There are only idiots and creeps on there.â
*
Porco Galliard is everything you hate. Heâs mean and annoying and condescending and passive aggressive. He likes to pick on you and make fun of you and doesnât know how to talk to you without calling you a âclownâ, a âdumbassâ or âa big fucking babyâ. Porco Galliard is also the perfect fake boyfriend you couldâve asked for. Not only is he so fucking attractive it makes you scream (you literally screamed in your pillow for ten minutes straight after you got home that first time you met), heâs even pettier than you are. He was so on board with the idea that he messaged you five seconds after matching with you on Tinder.
How about you find an engagement ring as well and we pretend I just proposed to you?
Motherfucker will be so pissed you said yes to someone else and not him
You appreciated the fact that he didnât judge you like others did, or told you youâre pathetic and you should just get over your ex and get on with your life. Porco understood that you were over him as a person, you just werenât over all the hurt heâs put you through. He understood that you just wanted the sweet taste of revenge, just for closure â or maybe just for the sick sake of it. It didnât matter to him, he thought itâd be funny and that was enough for him.
Porco has become a fixture in your life so quickly, it felt like being hit by a tornado. One day youâre mindlessly swiping Tinder bored out of your mind on your lunch break, and the next youâre texting him constantly. In less than two months, heâs become the first person you talk to in the morning and the last to say good night to.
As irritating and annoying as he is, heâs funny and silly and a whole ass idiot. He calls you out on your bullshit without batting an eye and heâs given you advice and support when you were at your witsâ end because of your job. One moment heâd tell you âGod wanted to spice the earth with jokes so he made youâ and then the next heâd get worked up over you agreeing with him when youâre feeling especially self-deprecating. He also has superb taste in music, which is great, because you now have ten new playlists that you can choose from depending on your mood. It doesnât hurt that heâs also so fucking smart, it blows you away every single day.
Porco Galliard is a menace to your life, but youâre so used to him by now that you had no qualms in introducing him to your friends. Mind you, your friends whoâve only ever met your dickhead of an ex, but never anyone else. And yet, you didnât even have to think about it with Porco. You just shot him a text one evening that youâre cooking for your friends and youâre already tired of the âmarital disagreements taking place in your whorehouseâ and if he could âplease, for the love of Christ, save me from this personal hellâ.
He showed up 20 minutes later, two bottles of tequila in his hands and a shit eating grin on his face, without even bothering to reply to your texts.
âHeard you called for your knight in shining armour, dipshit.â He says, kissing your forehead and making his way around you and towards your living room.
Now, all of your friends know of Porco. Connie and Eren even talked to him one time when they came over to fix your new bookshelves and he decided to FaceTime you out of the blue, but none of them actually met him. Which was not surprising in the least. What surprised them is that Porco Galliard is all of a sudden in your living room, acting as if heâs more than familiar with the place and saying hi to everyone. What is truly shocking, is that you donât look the least fazed about the whole thing â they know your aversion towards them meeting your boyfriends/crushes/male interests, and yet, this time, you act as if Porco has been here the whole time.
âY/N?â Armin asks, trying to make sense of the situation.
âOh yeah, sorry.â You shrug, turning back from your way to the kitchen. âThis fuckface is Porco. Porco, you introduce yourself to everyone like you donât have only two braincells left in your head.â
âY/N!â Mikasa shouts, outraged.
Porco, however, just rolls his eyes. âEvery day you say something stupid and I can feel my will to live slipping.â
âI am not going to entertain that empty brain of yours. Make nice!â
âY/N!â Mikasa shouts again.
Sasha and Connie are giggling, Eren is straight out laughing. While they might all be wary of this new character in their life, they canât help but admit itâs quite entertaining to see your snide comments directed at someone else. Not to mention, that itâs refreshing to see Porco holding his own, and even beating you at your own game. Most people would just think youâre rude and disrespectful, others would believe you a straight up asshole. Youâre an acquired taste that not everyone tolerates. Porco, however, seems to revel in every single one of your insults, like heâs waiting for them.
âIâm honestly thinking of selling you on eBay.â
*
âYou have a crush on him.â Mikasa deadpans the night before the big day.
Y/N was just explaining her plan for the last time to her best friend on the phone, while Porco was at the gym (âgotta look pumped and ready for you, babyâ). You needed a distraction, since youâve been having jitters for the past couple of days. You didnât understand why exactly, itâs not like you didnât anticipate for the moment of seeing your ex again for the past months, and it definitely wasnât the excitement for the festival. Thatâs just a subdued buzz in your head, but there are butterflies and it makes you feel giddy and happy and â
âI do not.â You scoff. âHeâs mean to me and we both agreed this is just a one time thing. We might stay friends after this, but I know heâs not interested in me in that way in the least.â
âOkay, do you want me to put on my psychologistâs glasses? Should we unpack that entire bullshit that just came out of your mouth?â
You can practically hear the way she rolls her eyes. Itâs disgusting. Sometimes you wish she didnât know you this well. But you let her talk, nonetheless, because this is why you called her after all. To help you bring some clarity to your jumbled thoughts.
âHeâs not mean to you, heâs abrasive in general. Thatâs just his personality. Weâve met him and truthfully, youâre the only one out of us he was the most aggressive towards. Iâm putting that one on the fact that he doesnât know how to cope with the attraction he feels towards you. His first intentions were most probably aligned to the rules you set, that is fake date for one evening, no strings attached â which was a stupid idea in the first place, if I may reiterate. Iâd say, based on the way heâs acting around you and the way heâs changed his way of interacting with you lately, heâs feeling insecure and doesnât want to show it. Plus, Iâm betting he hasnât realised it yet, either.â
Thereâs silence on both ends of the phone for a long period of time, to the point where Mikasa has to check whether you hung up. You, however, are chewing on your bottom lip, eyes glazed over. Mikasa couldnât possibly be right. You refuse to let yourself be sucked into the fantasy of Porco actually liking you. Youâve made that mistake before, and you donât want to get hurt again.
Mikasa might have made a great psychologist, but sheâs a lawyer. Thereâs no way she knows what sheâs talking about, right? Thereâs no way Porco seemed so happy to see you yesterday when he came to pick you up from work because he likes you, right? Thereâs no way Porco ordered food for you when you couldnât meet up because he likes you, right? Thereâs no way he calls you a dumbass with a smile on his face whenever your ADHD kicks in because he likes you, right? Mikasa doesnât know all the sweet stuff he does for you, sheâs only talking from the point of view where heâs being mean. So if she knew how sweet he can be to you, her whole hypothesis would crumble, right?
âAre you still there?â
âYeah.â You mutter, waking up from your trance.
âIâm not saying Iâm right, though.â She tentatively offers, knowing she has to tread lightly now. âIâm just saying that he might like you. I donât want to give you false hope, because I know how you can throw yourself headfirst into a crush. I think it would be better if youâd just openly discuss it with him. Youâre both adults, you can handle that.â
âI canât talk to him about this now, Mika! How am I supposed to pretend Iâm head over heels for him if he rejects me tonight?â
âNot tonight, but you should do it after this whole charade is up. I also donât think either of you will be pretending.â
*
Pock
No
I just said your name!
Thatâs not my name
Thatâs the only stupid ass nickname your bird brain could come up with
Iâm blocking you
Then whoâs going to kiss you and hold you and be all mushy and shit with you all night if you do that, babe?
Ew never call me that ever again, that is disgustin
What? Babe? You donât like me calling you babe?
What am I supposed to call you tonight then?
I canât just call you dipshit
Bonehead
Dingbag
You can just call me by my name?
Cue lil nas x
But no, weâre gonna make this believable
How are we going to make it believable if I call you by your name?
Donât all couples have those disgusting nicknames for each other
What did your ex call you
Babe
Oh
Ok
How about something French
Why would
No
Youâre gonna call me something like baguette or fromage or some shit like that
Grenouille
Youâre not calling me frog!!!!!
But youâre like a frog
A cute frog
Small and stupid
I hate you
Do you really
I specifically remember you drunk last Friday and asking me to talk in French for like half an hour
Itâs not like you donât speak French either!
Yeah, but you have the accent
Iâm half French dumbass
Exactly
Itâs hot
So you think Iâm hot?
Oh shit! Look at the time! I have to walk my refrigerator!
Youâre a fucking clown you know that
But fr you should go get ready tho
Iâll pick you up in an hour
Au revoir, ma petite grenouille
I must resist the urge to kill you
Or fuck me
Iâd pick the latter
*
You climb into Porcoâs car, careful not to slam the door too hard â last time you did, Porco took you on the highway and drove so much past the speed limit you punched him for five minutes straight afterwards. He didnât even react to your punches, he just stood there, rolling his eyes. You, however, swore to never hurt his precious car again, or youâre sure heâs going to hurt you.
âYou look like a whore.â You deadpan when your eyes land on him.
Heâs wearing his dark jeans and most probably those black sneakers he was so excited about buying last week. His hair is slicked back as always, his undercut freshly trimmed, but his biceps are in front view and you can even see his goddamned ribs because heâs wearing a white fucking muscle tank top. You hate him. You truly, genuinely, from the bottom of your heart hate him in this moment, because how the fuck is your brain supposed to be ready to bring your ex to the ground when you see this? When this dipshit will be standing next to you and all you will think about is muscles and skin and veins and a peek of that stupid tattoo on his ribcage?
âAre you slutshaming me, you dweeb?â He laughs, eyes never leaving the road.
Youâre definitely not paying more attention to the way his forearms look extended towards the wheel than to what new word heâs using to insult you. Nope.
âNo, I just thought Iâll be the only one whoâs dressed inappropriately.â
âY/N, weâre going to a festival in July when itâs hot as Satanâs asscrack. Plus you can always wear whatever you want.â
âPock, you do realise Iâm a woman and that last statement makes zero sense to me, right?â
âDonât worry, darling.â He smirks. âI know how to fight. Actually, let them even dare look in your direction for too long. I was wating for a reason to punch someone.â
âYou canât just punch someone because theyâre looking at me, Galliard!â You yell.
âI can if it makes you uncomfortable. Plus, youâre mine so they should know their place.â
Your breath hitches in your throat. That sentence shouldnât make your butterflies swirl in the pit of your stomach. It shouldnât bring forth images of Porco kissing you and holding your hand and playing with your hair and him hovering over you as heâs thrusting â nOPE.
âYou mean in this made-up scenario, right?â You say, trying to remind yourself that this is fake. This is all fake.
âYeah.â He mutters. Youâre not sure whether heâs squinting his eyes in concentration or something else. âYouâre mine in this made-up scenario, sweetheart.â
*
The night is uneventful in the sense that youâve somehow managed not to bump into anyone youâd like to vomit on. You donât know whether he just isnât there tonight or he simply hasnât had the chance to find you. In all honesty, you have been dancing far away from the bars for a reason and youâre pretty sure he wouldnât venture directly into the thickest parts of the crowds. Maybe heâs simply not seeking you out.
You, however, are having the time of your life. Itâs not only because youâre slightly drunk, Porco having made sure to switch you on water whenever he saw youâd start derailing into a hot mess. But youâre surrounded by the people you love, laughing and screaming with them on music you all grew up on. Simply put, youâre enjoying yourself and youâve started to forget your stupid plan. Itâs easy to do so when Porco puts his hands on your waist or on your hips to dance with you, or when he kisses your forehead in passing, or when heâd hug you with no apparent reason. At first, you thought heâs initiating contact because he might see someone making their way towards you and youâd instantly tense under his touch. Youâd prepare for the worst, ready to play a charade in front of someone you realise you donât actually want to see after all. But after a few hours, youâve started to relax and welcome every lingering hand on your body or his lips on your skin.
It's nearing midnight and you decide to take a break at one of the tables set in front of the food trucks. A small part of your brain is telling you to be on high alert, since youâre in the open now, but itâs easy to dismiss it when Sasha comes back with three hot dogs and two sides of fries. Connie and Armin are close behind her with more food in tow and you realise just how hungry all the dancing and alcohol have made you.
âWhereâs Pock?â You ask Annie when she makes her own appearance with a few bottles of beer in her hands.
âHe was right behind me. Maybe he went to take a piss.â She shrugs.
You look around the huge field, but since itâs filled with people and strobing lights and music drowns out everything, itâs hard to distinguish anyone. You shake your head â youâre being crazy, maybe he did just go to the bathroom. You told him where youâre going when you split up from the dance area, heâll find his way back to you.
But then fifteen minutes pass and youâve finished a burger and a whole bottle of beer and heâs still nowhere to be seen. What if he found some chick who he hit it off with and decided to ditch this whole idiocy?
âHey!â Eren shouts over the music, bumping his shoulder with yours. âRelax. Just send him a text, maybe he got lost.â
You nod. Your overthinking habit will be the end of you someday. Eren is right. Thereâs an easy way out of your spiralling thoughts and you havenât even considered it.
Wya galliard
His reply comes a few seconds later. You exhale in relief, you really were being crazy.
Awwww did you miss me, baby?
Fuck that. He can go fuck himself. Youâre about to go look for your friends whoâve disappeared back into the dancing mass when your phone vibrates in your hand again.
Look behind you, you dumbass
You turn around, only to be faced with a huge ass chest. Heâs towering over you, a grin plastered all over his face. He looks so smug, so cocky, so full of his damn self you want to punch him. Or kiss him. Whatever would wipe that smirk off.
You open your mouth to demand answers and his exact location for the past fifteen minutes, as if you definitely arenât drunk off your ass right now and most obviously arenât being crazy and dramatic. Truth be told, you did miss him. It was weird not having him around, even if it was for such a short period of time. But before you can say anything, he takes a flower crown from where he was hiding it behind his back, and gingerly places it on your head.
âI thought you left.â You mumble, bunching his top in your fists. At this point, you donât really care whether heâll be mad about it. You can just blame it on the alcohol.
âIâm sorry.â He chuckles and covers your hands with his. âI realise now you had too much time to think and that small brain of yours canât yet comprehend words like an adult.â
âFuck you, Galliard.â
âNot until you get it into that thick skull of yours that I wonât be leaving you.â
He pushes a finger into your forehead, but youâre more confused by his words, than anything else. And then suddenly, his whole demeanour changes. He snakes his hands around your waist and places his head close to yours. It might look like heâs kissing your neck, but you can feel how tense he feels around you.
âYour ex is Floch fucking Forster?â
âYeah.â
He prods you to place your arms around his shoulders, and you do it slowly. Youâre confused as to what could have brought this about. Youâre not surprised he found out your exâs name â maybe Eren and Connie were shit talking him again and let the name slip. Itâs not like his name is a state secret, you just hate saying it. But you donât understand why he seems on edge all of a sudden, holding you a bit too tightly, his frown even deeper, his scowl even more disgusted.
âWait, you know him?â You say, when the only possible explanation finally clicks into your alcohol addled mind.
âYeah, I fucking know him. You shouldâve told me itâs him!â
âI told you what he looks like! How was I supposed to know you know him?â
âDo you know how little âcreepy smile and a fucking scumbagâ narrows it down for me, honey?â He sneers. âI used to play professional rugby, that was like half of my team.â
You lean back, forcing him to let go of you. You canât breathe from how hard heâs squeezing you to his chest. But he keeps his hands firmly planted on your waist, far enough to give you some semblance of space, but close enough so you can still smell the beer on his breath. Porco is angry, but apparently not at you. Heâs looking at something behind you, and sure, he has a fucking resting bitch face, but itâs nothing compared to thisscowl.
Youâre about to turn around, already having an inkling of what might have happened, when he pulls you back into him. Porco rests his forehead on yours, bringing one of his large hands to the back of your head, keeping you in place. Youâre so close at the moment, you feel like you could mould into one person.
âI swear to fuck, Iâm going to kill this motherfucker.â He kisses your cheek and you can feel his maniacal grin on your skin. What the fuck is going on. âYou trust me, yes?â
âYeah?â You reply, unsure at the moment whether you should be scared or excited by this whole new Porco.
âGood. Because itâs gametime, baby.â
He slowly releases you from his grip, and you can read the encouragement in his golden eyes. He curtly nods, enough just for you to notice. You take a deep breath in, already feeling your resolve slipping, but then heâs taking your hand in his, interlacing your fingers together and you feel like you could look the devil in the eye and spit in his face. Which youâre just about to do, really.
âY/N?â
His voice sounds so familiar and yet so strange. Funny how time can alter someone in ways that you both recognise and completely forget someone youâve spent years with. Heâs still his lean self, yet bigger and smaller at the same time â like heâs put on even more muscles, but looks weaker, more diminished. Or maybe heâs not holding the power over you anymore. His hair is longer and heâs lost some of that baby fat, but heâs wearing that shirt you bought him for his 23rd birthday. He might seem surprised to see you â and yet you know how heâs calculating all the possible outcomes of this interaction at the speed of light in his mind right now.
And then his eyes land on Porco. Porco, whose arm is around your waist now, Porco who has just kissed your temple and brushed a strand of hair behind your ear, Porco who hands you his beer bottle, as if sharing drinks is the most normal thing to do, Porco who pulls you even closer to him when Floch takes a step toward you.
You watch the way Floch assesses the whole situation â see his eyes land from your flower crown, to Porcoâs arm, to your own in the back pocket of his jeans. You see the way his façade cracks for just a second, the way his anger slips to the surface. And you have to remind yourself that even though that anger might be directed at you, he canât do anything to you anymore. You have Porco, and most importantly, youâre not his puppet anymore â you can stand up for yourself now.
âGalliard.â Floch says instead of all the insults you were expecting. âWhat are you doing here?â
âWhat, Forster?â Porco laughs nonchalantly. âAm I not allowed to enjoy the festival with my girlfriend?â
And there â the bomb has dropped. And itâs the first time in your life you see Floch speechless. You see the way his mind shuts down at the complete impossibility of this situation, even though the show you were putting on shouldâve been enough. As if he needed Porcoâs verbal confirmation to process what heâs seeing.
âYour girlfriend?â The man scoffs, having regained his ability to spit bullshit in no time. Gotta give it to him, he sure believes heâs the only one in this world whose truth matters. âY/N, what is this guy saying?â
âI donât exactly understand what youâre asking, Floch.â You say through gritted teeth.
âCome on, Y/N, you canât seriously tell me youâre dating Galliard.â
Floch laughs and the sound grates on your brain. Youâre not sure whether youâre getting worked up over seeing him and having all the memories resurface or the fact that he doesnât believe someone would actually want to date you. Maybe itâs both. Or maybe itâs the way he says Porcoâs name that rubs you the wrong way. You figured that thereâs some kind of beef between them, but like hell will you let him disrespect Porco.
âOh, so youâve lost the ability to understand English?â Porco interjects, before you have the chance to even open your mouth. He can feel the way youâre vibrating with tension right now, and heâs not sure whether heâll let you claw Forsterâs eyes out while heâs cheering you on or punch him to a pulp himself.
âPock.â You say, placing a hand on his chest.
Floch has taken yet another step forward just as Porco did, but youâre not about to be witness to a blood bath. At least not in the literal sense, if you can help it. Porco, thankfully, looks down at you and simply clenches his jaw. You wanted this fight, heâll let you have it.
âYes, Floch, I am dating Porco.â You say, turning your cold gaze towards your ex. âI have been happy in this relationship for nearly six months and he hasnât been anything but kind, loving and respectful towards me. Heâs my best friend and I honestly can say I want to spend the rest of my life with him. Now if you could please leave us alone, Iâd like to get back to dancing.â
You can feel Porcoâs stare on you, but you do your best to keep your expression even. You havenât discussed any of the possible things you might say to Floch when youâd see him, simply because you didnât know what youâll say in the moment. Maybe it shouldnât have been anything along the lines of âfor the rest of your lifeâ though. However, you donât want to let any uncertainty show, any insecurity you might have on how this whole shitshow will play out after Floch leaves, any fear that youâll never get to see Porco ever again after tonight.
Floch, on the other hand, does nothing more than to roll his eyes. You know what heâs thinking: he still believes youâll never find anyone better than him. Still believes youâve broken up with the only person in the world who would give you the time of day. As if you shouldâve been grateful beyond belief that such an amazing human being deigned to look down upon you.
âSpare me the crap, Y/N. We all know heâs probably just fucking you because heâs bored. You always romanticise every little shit in your life.â
âListen here, you waste of human space.â Porco bites, ignoring the way youâre tugging at his shirt. Heâs had enough and no matter how much heâd want to let you win this, he canât help but to speak his own mind. âThe fact that you couldnât see what a brilliant person Y/N is and youâre now bitter and mad she broke up with you is your own fucking problem. Iâm not fucking her because Iâm bored, we are fucking because we love each other. Last time I heard, you were fucking Yelena at graduation when you apparently had a sweet and loving girlfriend waiting for you at home, so you spare me the condescending tone.â
âI didnât fuck her at graduation, you asshole. My parents were there!â Floch spits as heâs approaching Porco. Theyâre now one punch away from each other, which only makes Porco step in front of you.
âOh right, Iâm sorry. I must have her confused with all the girls youâve fucked at every single party youâve attended for three years in college.â Porco sneers, nostrils flaring.
âENOUGH!â You scream, all the pent-up rage pouring out of you in waves. A few party goers turn towards you in confusion, but they simply disappear in another direction, too afraid to be part of what looks like a fight in the making. Porco and Floch look down at you, as if surprised youâre still here. You donât care. You truly, honestly, genuinely do not give a shit about anyone in this moment.
âEnough!â You sneer again. âI do not give one single fuck who youâve fucked or havenât fucked when we were together, Floch. All I can say, from the bottom of my heart, is that I regret ever loving you. I donât regret meeting you, I regret ever loving you. You disgust me. Youâve manipulated me into being the perfect little girlfriend for you by chipping away at my personality every single day. Every single day. Slowly and diligently. Youâve belittled me every step of the way and disrespected me as if I were a shit stain on the sole of your shoe. You thoroughly and completely disgust me and I wish I will never have to set my eyes upon you for the rest of my life. I would wish you a happy life, but that would be a fucking lie. I hope you get to suffer at least an ounce of what youâve put me through for years just to see what a wretched little creature you actually are.â
You turn on your heel and walk away towards the exit. Youâre exhausted and all you want to do is curl into a ball in your bed and cry your stupid heart out. Floch can go fuck himself, you truly meant every word you said to him, and as cathartic as that was, youâre still not sure how much good will do to you in the long run. One thing youâre certain of: playing pretend at girlfriend and boyfriend with Porco was a fucking mistake.
*
[01:13] wya
[01:15] hey dipshit you just disappeared where are you
[01:16] are you with everyone else?
[01:18] I just bumped into sasha and she said she hasnât seen you
[01:19] Y/N please Iâm getting worried where are you
[2 missed calls]
[01:23] eren texted me and said they took you to their place for the night
[01:24] are you ok?
[01:24] please just talk to me
[3 missed calls]
[01:25] Y/N please
[1 missed call]
[01:46] Mikasa called me
[01:46] Iâm so sorry
[01:47] Y/N, sweetheart, please Iâm so sorry I didnât realise what an absolute dickhead I was being
[01:48] Iâve met forster in college and he was a complete douchebag even then
[01:49] I had no idea he was your ex and I went like a fucking bull in a china shop into that whole situation bc Iâve hated him for so long
[01:50] Iâll explain everything, just please answer me
[02:13] please I just need to know youâre safe at least
[02:15] Iâm staying over at Mikaâs and Erenâs tonight. Iâm safe.
[02:15] ok good Iâm glad
[02:15] Iâll talk to you tomorrow and explain everything, ok?
[02:16] Iâm sorry
*
You wake up at 8 in the morning the next day. Youâve barely slept, having either cried in Mikasaâs arms or silently sobbed into your pillow the whole night. You shouldâve known the whole idea was a mistake, and even Mikasa had the mercy to spare you the âI told you soâ speech. You just wanted to go home and curl back into your bed. You didnât have the energy to talk about it anymore and you definitely didnât have the mental capacity to watch Mikasa and Eren interact as a whole ass married couple today. So youâve prepared the coffee pot for the two of them for when they wake up and sent Mikasa a quick text that you went home, before leaving.
The already suffocating air does nothing to your mood and you quicken your pace. Youâve never felt more grateful than now that your friends live only five blocks away. The moment you step out of the elevator, however, youâre faced with an image you couldnât have predicted even if you had a crystal ball, a tarot deck and a fistful of incense. Porco is leaning on the wall next to your door, two coffee cups in his hands. He straightens up when he sees you and for a second you donât know how to react.
âWhat are you doing here, Porco?â You finally sigh, and move to unlock your door.
âMikasa sent me a text that youâre on your way home so I brought you coffee.â
You let him inside, although all the time wondering whether it wouldnât just be easier if youâd just lock the door in his face. He follows you to the living room, where you curl yourself into a ball on your couch. Porco just places the coffee on the table and sits down, close enough so your feet would touch his thigh.
âYou live half an hour away by car.â You mutter, refusing to look up at him.
âI drove here last night after I sobered up.â
âDid you just stand next to my door like a fucking creep all night?â You can feel the rage boiling to the surface yet again. You watch him nearly placing his hand on your calf in appeasement â heâd do that whenever youâd start getting agitated, but thankfully he doesnât this time. Youâd have probably just kicked him out if he did.
âNo, I waited in the car. And when Mikasa told me youâd be coming home, I went to that coffeehouse around the corner you like and bought you coffee. Then that nice lady on the 7thfloor let me in the building when she was leaving to go to the market.â
âYou know an awful lot about my neighbours.â You mumble, but at least youâve sat up and picked up your cup, now that you know itâs not poisoned.
âIâve been here enough times to meet some of them.â He smiles. âAnd she told me sheâs going to the market. She also asked me to take care of you.â He adds lowly, looking at you.
Itâs weird seeing Porco so serious and sad at the same time. Itâs weird not calling you some shitty name every three sentences. And talking to you like youâre made of glass. You donât like pity. And you are still filled with rage so no wonder youâre extra irrational today.
âWhy would you take care of me, Porco? Do you think Iâm such a damsel in distress that I canât take care of my own fucking self? Do you think Iâm so weak and stupid I canât function without someone else taking decisions for me?â
âI think you should eat something and go back to sleep.â
âFor fuckâs sake, Galliard! Why the fuck are you here?â You shout, fed up with his whole behaviour.
You want old Porco back, as much as you hate to admit it. You want funny and mean Porco back, who doesnât beat around the bush and would tell you youâre an idiot, without a second thought. You want Porco who always tell you the truth. You donât like this version of Porco. You want your Porco.
âJesus fucking Christ, Y/N!â He shouts back. There he is. âDâyou wanna know why Iâm here? Iâm here because I wanted to make sure youâre ok. I wanted to make sure you eat and drink some water and youâre not crying in a puddle on the floor. I wanted to hold you in my arms and apologise for putting my foot in my mouth last night like a dickhead because I was too blinded by my animosity towards Forster to realise that was your battle to fight. Iâm here because I wanted to say sorry I agreed to this whole stupid ass plan in the first place because I didnât realise it wouldnât change anything and nothing good will come out of it. I wanted to come here and tell you that I donât want to fake date you, I want to actually date you and I want to call you mine for real, and not just pretend.â
Porco is breathing heavily at this point and thereâs a few strands of his gelled back hair that fell into his face. Heâs looking at you, expecting an answer that doesnât seem to come. Youâre still holding your coffee cup, and you did want to hear him say what heâs actually thinking, but you sure as hell did not expect this.
âRight.â He mutters, pushing back his hair. âIâll get going then.â
âWhat the fuck are you on about, Galliard? Sit the fuck down.â You bark.
The shock on his face is priceless, and youâd seriously give up an arm to be able to bottle it up and see it every time it strikes your fancy. But whatâs important is that your aggression has its desired effect and he sits back down. You take one of his hands in yours and sigh for what feels like the hundredth time today. All before 9 am and with no coffee in your system.
âPorcoâŠâ You start, but have no idea what else to say.
âYeah?â He tries prodding you to continue.
âYouâre an idiot.â
âIâm well aware of that, you clown.â Porco rolls his eyes. âYou have to be more specific as to the reason why.â
âIâm not good with words.â You mutter.
âYou were amazing with words last night, honey.â
You both flinch at the memory. Neither of you wants to think about the altercation with Floch. Least of all you.
ââm sorry. Iâll just shut up.â
âYeah, I think thatâs for the best, Galliard.â You sigh. âThe whole thing was a mistake, yeah. Iâm happy it happened though for two reasons. One, I realised I needed that closure to finally move on with my life. And two, it brought me you.â
Porco squeezes your hand. You look at each other in silence and stay like that for too many minutes to count, until you let out an involuntary yawn, making Porco chuckle. He sends you off to take a shower, because âin all honesty, youâre stinky. I have no idea how Mikasa let you sleep in her guest bedroom without forcing you to clean yourself with bleach firstâ. You want to complain, but the moment the warm water hits your body, you sag into the feeling of all your worries and sadness being washed away.
As you get out of the bathroom and watch Porco put a sandwich on a plate, you realise youâreâŠcalm. Maybe not happy entirely, but there are no dark clouds on the horizon. Youâre simply here, with Porco in your kitchen as he softly hums something familiar under his breath, not caring about what your next step should be. Just living.
He doesnât notice you until your arms snake around his torso, as you pull him towards you, leaning your head in the space between his shoulder blades. He stops wiping the counter and places a hand over yours. You stay like that in silence, yet again, until he brings your fingertips to his mouth and kisses each and every one of them.
âI think I love you.â He whispers and if it werenât for the vibrations under your cheek, you couldâve sworn you dreamt it.
Your breath hitches in your throat, unsure of whether you were supposed to hear that or not. Porco turns around and pulls you back into him by your hips, as he leans on the counter. Heâs smiling and itâs such a rare sight, you almost forget his last words.
âIâm sure you heard me, dumbass.â He chuckles.
âOh, I thought you were talking to the coffee pot again.â You grin.
âStop deflecting talking about feelings with jokes, you fuck.â
âYou better get used to it, dummy. Thatâs all youâre gonna get from now on. Bad jokes and â â
Porco cuts off your next words by pressing his lips to yours. Itâs slow and easy as breathing. Itâs tender and sweet like the taste of coffee on his tongue. Itâs the smile you can feel against your mouth and itâs the quick pecks that keep coming, even after you stop for air. Itâs the way he looks down at you as if youâve hung the moon.
âUh â â You start, momentarily forgetting words, until you settle on the easiest, with a smile. âHi.â
âHi.â
âYouâre so pretty.â
âShit, baby.â He laughs. âIf I knew I had to kiss you to finally compliment me I wouldâve done it sooner.â
âNevermind, you look like a fucking troll.â
âI hate you so much.â
âYou told me you love me. Too late, bitch, youâre stuck with me now.â
âWhatâs the return policy? Iâd like a refund.â
âDo you want a refund on my love?â You pout and there â that is the look youâd give an arm to bottle up and see every single day for the rest of your life. That completely dazed look when he hears you say, âI love you too, Pock.â
*
So Iâve been thinking
Oh no
Did it hurt your brain? Are you ok? Should I call an ambulance?
You know, one of these days Iâll just call child protection services and ask them to take you away
Who you gonna fuck then
Eren
Heâs hot as fuck
Wow no hesitation
That manâs ridiculously hot and you know it
ANYWAY
Itâs ok dipshit, no need to get jealous
Youâre the only one I want to fuck
ANYWAY????
I wasnât going to talk about how much I love you jeesh calm tf down you weirdo
Are you going to get to the point one of these days or should I just wait for my menopause to get back to this chat
Youâre insufferable
I was thinking we should get fake married
????
Much confusion
Explain
Well, in order to start dating we had to fake date first
So I thought that in order to get married, weâll have to get fake married first
Brilliant train of thought, Galliard
I am proud of you
We are never having babies
They might inherit your stupidity
Iâm cutting off toxic people in my life and you are the first on the list
Is this your way of asking me to marry you?
Iâm not gonna ask you to marry me through text you fucking clown
Iâm just testing the waters
See what youâre gonna say
What if youâll say no
And break my heart
Even after two whole ass years of dating and living together
Come home and ask me face to face, you pussy
Iâm still at work
Wanna know the answer or not?
Omw
Did you buy me a ring?
Well I didnât think Iâd be proposing TODAY??????
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