iskah

Holding him like a baby, I rub his warm and pink belly. I gently pinch his cheeks and feel around his mouth to feel baby teeth taking form.

Noniepuppy whines and whimpers and I kiss his fragrant puppy cheek. He nibbles on mine, biting and opening his maw and scraping my skin with his baby teeth.

“There, there.” I coo and put my Noniepuppy in my purse. Noniepuppy yawns and curls up into a ball and I bring him home with me.

I need space too. Lots of it. I’m in a sensitive time period of the month rn. I’m in the height of my luteal phase.

If this was the me when I was little I would’ve freaked out when my partner would ask for space. But looking back, I think I needed space too. I just associated that with abandonment, like I would fade away. But I now know that’s not true, that my current condition and being with Nostra actually enables me to be safe. Practice boundaries in a safe space to someone who really wants the best for me.

while I see them make so much more effort going out of their way to be with guys who hurt them or they can’t be with. it sucks supposedly being the ‘best friend’ of someone who makes me feel lonely and excluded from their life. who makes me feel needy for the way i require to be treated and me having to cut corners on what I deem acceptable; playing it off coolly as if it doesn’t affect me, it does.

sometimes I wonder what goes on in her inner world, and I know that she suffers too with her own issues and pergumulan in life. im grieving for now, then eventually I will finally let go and that’ll be my act of love for myself. i empathize with her, i really do. i know she sees herself in me, but i cannot act like this is okay anymore.

it’s been going on for years. it makes me reflect more on what kind of friend i am too, because being in one sided friendships are tiring. and i have been in numerous one sided friendships.

I’ve started to withdraw from her, stopped replying to her stories and asking about her. because i am actually interested in what goes on in her inner world, not just mindless gossip about associates who I couldn’t care less about. it’s painful, to see it happen in real time that i was right all along; that this friendship would never work out if I didn’t put in so much effort.