GET YOUR TOWELS READY, IT’S ABOUT TO GO DOWN. aka, a couple sentences from my fave lonely island songs…
Like A Boss:
“Thanks for coming to your performance review.”
“So, you’re in charge around here?”
“Absolutely. I’m the boss.”
“So, that’s an average day for you?”
“And I think at uh… one point there, you said something about sucking your own dick?”
“Nah, that ain’t me.”
“Actually, I’m pretty sure you did.”
I’m On A Boat:
“AW SHIT.”
“Stay on your motherfucking toes!”
“You can’t stop me, motherfucker!”
“Take a picture, trick!”
“I got my swim trunks and my flippy floppies.”
“This ain’t Sea World! This is as real as it gets!”
“I got a Nautical themed pashmina afghan.”
“Get the fuck up!”
“Fuck land, I’m on a boat, motherfucker!”
“Anything is possible!”
“Poseidon look at me!”
“Believe me when I say I fucked a mermaid…”
Jizz in My Pants:
“No need here for the silly games.”
“I jizz in my pants.”
“This really never happens, you can take my word.”
“I won’t apologize, that’s just absurd.”
“Don’t tell your friends.”
“I’m very sensitive, some would say that’s a plus.”
“I’ll go home and change.”
“I need a friend.”
“She looked me dead in the face and asked ‘cash or credit’.”
“It’s perfectly normal, nothing wrong with me.”
“To be fair, you were flirting a lot.”
“The way you bag cans got me bothered and hot.”
“Please stop acting like you’re not impressed.”
“Last week, I saw a film. As I recall it was a horror film.”
“A song comes on that reminds me of you and I jizz in my pants.”
“Open my window and a breeze rolls in and I jizz in my pants.”
“Okay. Seriously you guys? Can we…? Okay?”
“I jizz right in my pants everytime you’re next to me.”
“When we’re holding hands, it’s like having sex to me.”
“I wear a rubber at all times, it’s a necessity.”
I Just Had Sex:
“Sometimes something beautiful happens in this world…”
“I just had sex and it felt so good!”
“A woman let me put my penis inside of her!”
“I’ll never go back to the not-having-sex ways of the past.”
“Have you ever had sex? I have. It felt great.”
“Never guess where I just came from.”
“I called my parents right after I was done.”
“Oh hey, didn’t see you there, guess what I just did?”
“Was sure nice of her to let you do that thing…”
“I wanna tell the world.”
“To be honest, I’m surprised she even wanted me to do it.”
“I ain’t one to argue with a good thing.”
“The best 30 seconds of my life!”
“Honestly I’d have sex with a pile of manure.”
“She kept looking at her watch…”
“But I cried the whole time!”
“I think she might have been a racist.”
“She put a bag on my head!”
Rocky:
“Yeah, I know him. What about him?”
“He’s really tough!”
“I think that I can take him.”
“I’ll challenge him in public.”
“____ , if you’re out there, I think you’re a nerd!”
“I’ll lick you and bury you like a dog turd.”
“I got kicked out but the candle was lit.”
“I went into training to add some muscle weight.”
“I talked some trash…”
“I took a swing but he caught me with a sucker-punch right.”
“Twenty two consecutive sucker-punch rights!”
“The doctor came out and pronounced me dead.”
No Homo:
“No homo…”
“You got a fresh style.”
“You’ve got the best smile.”
“Your girlfriend is a lucky lady.”
“With your looks, you’d make a handsome baby…”
“I like the way your shoulders fill out that shirt.”
“It’s hard to pull off but you make it work.”
“I know every line of Mystic Pizza.”
“I kinda like the musical Rent.”
“We should goof around and wrestle…”
“Are you really feeling buzzed right now?”
“I’ve been thinking about posing nude…”
“I’ve been thinking about fucking a dude!”
Finest Girl (Bin Laden Song):
“Wanna take her home, make her my wife.”
“Knew she was a freak when she started talking.”
“Fuck me like we fucked Bin Laden.”
“Do me like that.”
“I couldn’t track the metaphor.”
“Your request is so irregular.”
“Invade my cave with your special unit.”
“She wanted to fuck me harder than the US government fucked Bin Laden.”
“You’re harboring a fugitive. That ASS.”
“I’mma smash.”
“She tried to negotiate, I said that’s a no-go.”
“Improvised some crazy shit.”
“Now throw my body in the ocean.”
“The president called.”
“Mr. President, to what do I owe this honor?”
“Still can’t say that I see the appeal…”
“Oh, this girl insisted that the way we did it was merciless and exact.”
3-Way (The Golden Rule):
“Your mom says hi.”
“Everybody’s having sex.”
“I just got a page from a girl that I met last week at a Payless.”
“I also have a cutie to call.”
“In two to six hours, we’ll meet back and re-group.”
“Hold up, player, what are you diggity doing here?”
“I should diggity ask you the same.”
“It’s okay when it’s in a three-way.”
“It’s not gay when it’s in a three-way.”
“Normally I don’t get down with dudes but tonight is a special exception.”
“You’re my best friend through thick and thin.”
“This rule dates back to ancient Greece.”
“Lights off.”
“Maybe two is enough…”