freakoholic. Just can't quit the freakohol

and this blows up in my face in 5,4,3,2…

my entire adult life i have always been afraid to say anything when I’m uncomfortable with anything in a romantic relationship because it almost *always* blows up in my face. my entire marriage was like that. If i ever said i was uncomfortable with anything, my ex would get super angry and defensive, then start pointing out all the random things i’ve done to piss HER off, effectively changing the subject by putting me on the defensive. But to be fair, i would get really defensive too whenever she criticized me so i guess i was a little toxic too. The difference was i would point out how she did the same thing to me while she would just pick random things that had nothing to do with the subject at hand.

anyway, fast forward to the conversation a few nights ago again. She finally admits to me that she is in a relationship and has been in a relationship with with another man for quite some time. So, that would explain why she suddenly balked at the belated birthday date. I’m not sure why she accepted it in the first place considering she knew I was absolutely going to follow up with that. But the thing that bothers me the most about this is the fact that once again, she told me in her initial rejection after I broke up with Karen that she wanted to be perfect for me. And yes, I knew that was bullshit all along, but it still stung a little bit to hear that she got into a relationship with at least a second man when she knew that I wanted her back. She admitted this to me ( of course) while drunk. She told me that this man is emotionally not available as she’s getting really tired of it. I asked her how long they’ve been seeing each other and she just said “oh God I don’t even know” so I guess you could say it’s been a long time. our conversation never really got sexual, but when we looked into each other’s eyes that spark is definitely still there she told me that I’m her soulmate. I told her that she’s essentially the love of my life. I don’t think she believed me because she felt like how is that possible considering I was married with two children. But the truth of the matter is, I can’t consider the boys’ mother the love of my life, after all the shit that went down during our divorce, and all the shit that I found out after our divorce that she never really loved me the way I thought. And that’s another reason why it hurts so much that I was constantly showing vulnerability to Kristan only to have my hopes dashed yet again. And yes, if I had women beating down my door, I probably would’ve forgotten all about her a long time ago. But since that is absolutely never gonna happen, here we are. I mean, I went back on Tinder over four months ago and I haven’t even gotten a single like. Like, not a single woman or even a scammer has swiped right on my profile. Can’t help but feel a little rejected. We ended the conversation by saying I love you to each other, but I don’t know how sincere she is really. And now that I know that she has a boyfriend I have no idea what to think. I just assume now that she’s with him during all her free time soooooo… oy. when she told me that she was getting really tired of him being emotional unavailable, I immediately said “hey dump them then we can get back together”. I kind of regret saying that now even though she knows considering I completely have the worst poker face…I really shouldn’t just go all out and just say it. But it would be pretty offbrand for me to not be totally humiliated all the time so I guess you can say at least I’m consistent?

Johnny called me the other day and it was pretty cool talking to him. I’m sincerely happy for him. He has a job that he enjoys. He’s happily married and his wife’s daughter from her first marriage has now fully immigrated from Indonesia and is living with them full-time. One thing that was tough to talk to him about, even though he’s probably one of the few people that would understand, is how I’m having a tough time accepting that I’ll probably die alone. It’s hard for me to accept that. I’ll never be the love of anyone’s life. Like two years ago i was talking to Kristan on the phone and she said her ex-boyfriend Spiro was the true love of her life and I suddenly got pangs of jealousy. She hasn’t spoken to Spiro in like 25 years, but I realize that I’ll never be anyone’s true love. I was briefly talking to a woman last week that I met through Bumble, but I think she has ghosted me because she has now not replied to any of my texts for three straight days. Sometimes it’s just really hard. shit…i have a lump in my throat now. God damn it.

It’s been over a month since I told Kristan to piss off. After she once again just wouldn’t respond after agreeing to a belated birthday date three times (but DID respond to things that had nothing to do with the date). I had enough, i told how shitty it is that she’s making me beg for a reply about the date she agreed to go on, how i can’t do this anymore, I allowed her to hurt me way too many times, that she’s a fucking liar, she could go ahead and find a man with a solid hard dick, because i know that’s the important thing because i no longer care. She doesn’t say anything for 2 weeks. Then, she starts liking and commenting on my stuff on facebook, sending me memes on facebook and IG like nothing happened. I miss her so much but i can’t keep putting myself through this shit. And it’s not like she does it all the time. it’s like 3 times since i THOUGHT i told her to go fuck herself. I let her hurt me because she was the only woman who seemed to really get me (when we were a couple, that is). I broke down and told bridget all about it. i was purposely not telling her because I already told Bill and bungee about the heart ache she was causing me and i didn’t want all my close friends not liking her if we DID get back together. I admitted that i allow myself to be mistreated, treated in a way that i would never want her (as in Bridget) to be treated by a boyfriend. Bridge totally hates her now…which i knew would happen of course. If she was being treated that way by some dude, i’d hate that dude too.

Anyway, the point here is Kristan sent me a random meme less than an hour ago and i almost had a panic attack driving home while ranting and raving in my head. It’s so hard. I have…as of now…essentially stopped trying to date. I feel like I was such a hard sell BEFORE i was laid off, now it’s borderline impossible. I was desperate to get Kristan back also because i want a partner. Someone who already knows me, already knows what i bring to the table, i don’t have to explain myself when im talking to myself or acting anxious and awkward. Plus, i still think she’s sexy. oooh maaaan.

i was back in college. It was the combination of Ferrum and WCU. i was living in the dorms and it was the end of the semester. i realized i hadn’t attended a single class all semester and the finals were that day. i began to panic as to what my mother was going to say. i began to rage to myself that i was just going to tell her i wanted to go back to my life with my sons (not sure how this all came about) but when i saw my mom she was brain damaged, seemed to have reverted back to the mind of a small child. due to this, she had no idea what was happening. Like many of my dreams with her in it, she had spent years in hiding without really saying why. There are times when she’d come back, other times she’d disappear and not explain why or where she went.