PB & J

It’s been a long time since I’ve updated this blog. I don’t even know who really follows this anymore. But yesterday I remembered it, and I read back on all of the posts that I made when I was just a freshman in college. 

I was so lost, confused and lonely. I had “friends” who didn’t truly love and value me. I was relapsing back into my eating disorder. I hated myself, inside and out, every day from the second I woke up to the second I went to bed. I didn’t know it yet, but I was in an abusive relationship. I was letting life tear me apart. 

2016 wasn’t my year. But then 2017 came. 

I wish I could say it’s been the best year of my life. I wish I could say I succeeded in everything and triumphed over all my losses. It wasn’t. But, it wasn’t the worst year of my life, either. It was the year I suffered the worst heartbreak I’ve ever endured, because I had the strength to walk away from someone who hurt me over and over again. It was the year I fell in love with myself - mind, body and soul. It was the year I left the people I thought were friends, and found ones so true and constant I know they will be there until the day I die. It was the year I kissed new boys and worked hard to pay for school and danced into the early hours of the morning and laughed until I cried and cried until I laughed.

2017 has been rebuilding. It has been getting knocked down more times than I can count and still standing up again. It has been crying over people who don’t deserve my tears and then finally realizing that I’m better than that. It’s been learning how to be alone and trust myself wholeheartedly. It’s been making peace with a body who bears the scars of self hate and abuse from others. 

And god damn I am so proud of myself for making it this far, for finding myself in the midst of everything hard. And I think I will continue to post on here, because to see my progression is so meaningful to me. So if you’re still here somehow, thank you.