Just getting by.

I post that picture below to constantly keep a couple things as a reminder to myself:

1.) What you’re feeling, you are not alone. This message is from someone who I recently met and have the pleasure of being friends with. He is probably one of the most “happiest” + nicest guys around. But when we finally got to have a conversation, because we’re both emotional people, we shared things that made me realize that we are basically both going through the same thing. It feels less lonely to know that as much as you are deemed to be the “happiest” + nicest person around, more than likely you’re dying inside with things no one will ever understand. But, you just smile & wave.

2.) Building a wall always felt like an unfair chance to me. I always hated the thought of a wall because it meant that the next person who didn’t help build the wall, would have to work hard to get through it and that just doesn’t seem fair to me. However, I am finally starting to realize that not everyone deserves to listen to your story, to get to know you or to have access to you. Those things are deserved. A wall keeps from intruders. The people who want to see your beautiful heart will put in the effort to see it. 

3.) YOU ARE A PRIVILEGE TO KNOW!!!!! Point. Blank. Period. You are worth of someone who is going to take the time to know you and put in the effort to know you because you are a privilege to know. People get to know you, not just get easy and early access. Your story is a privilege to hear. 

4.) Always focus on doing you and being you. Everyone else that is meant to be around you will be there and they will make the effort to stay. The people who don’t, weren’t meant to be there. There is beauty in people falling off automatically for you because that means they you were pure and full of the right intentions that was too good for the fake love to even be able to understand or be around. 

I’ve been going back and forth a million times in my head. Is that called overthinking?

Because if it is, then I suffer bad from it. I typically am good at being able to quiet my thoughts from avoiding feeling THOUSANDS of different feelings, but lately, its been the only thing I feel like I have been able to do correctly. 

Let me tell you why.

I’ve basically got myself into an interesting situation. I didn’t expect to continue to keep feeling this way. I am typically good at knowing when its time to step away from something that isn’t serving me in the ways I need it to. Not to say that I take advantage, I just know that I am worth more than some of the things that I allow to happen. Which results in me not allowing them to continue to keep happening. 

However, for this situation. I almost don’t even know how to say no & THAT IS NOT LIKE ME. & it really screws with my mind. Because WHY am I still stuck in this when I know better? 

The answer: Every time I finally am like “you know, I am much better off & I can detach from this crappy feeling that leaves me depleted” & when I finally decide to make that decision and am feeling good. BAMMMM, the universe is like “sike, we got other plans” & the situation once again reappears like a freaking WRECKING BALL back into my life. Theres really never anything good that comes out of it.

okay, i’m lying. Theres been plenty of good things that has came out of it, but I also feel like I shouldn’t be feeling empty if it is meant to be good, you know?

Well, fortunately for me, I am living in true anxiety from knowing that some of my future plans are probably going to entirely screw me up for most likely another month and although, I am terrible sad about knowing that....I CANT SAY NO. Ugh. 

I keep trying to justify:

“Well, I don’t think its meant to be this way, I think I am just overthinking it.”

“I think everyone in this party is just trying to figure it out and therefore, it isn’t directed towards me.”

“I don’t think that anyone in this party has bad intentions. I think that everyone is going through their own thoughts and feelings and can in result lead to feeling empty because well, we’re all empty”

I just want to drop this precious picture of my baby Shiba Inu, Sol who’s about the be 5 now 🥹🥹

I thought about it making a different tumblr with a private name so nobody could know who I am because there’s moments where I still feel like hiding. 

After being robbed of your privacy, you never really feel like you’re allowed to be you without being judged for everything that comes along with it. 

If you’re reading this, YES YOU. The one person who knows all my socials, enjoy whatever you read because lifes been life since we’ve went our separate ways and honestly, I hope you’re doing well. But I am also glad to not be doing that anymore. Leaving was the best thing I did, no hard feelings. Just lost myself trying to be someone else for someone else. 

And now, well I get to find myself again. 

If you have to make a list of all the wrongs someone has done, you don't love them unconditionally. 

You love them conditionally. 

You don't love them enough to let them grow, evolve, make mistakes and be better from them. You don't love them enough to assist them in being better, in giving them space to grow, in giving them a kind environment. 

You love them enough to suffocate them.

You want what's the better for you. You want them to be the better for you. You cant open your eyes enough to see that they too are struggling.

Struggling to keep up with your demands. With what it is that you want, when you want it. 

You think you're perfect, but you're not. & before you go around calling others a child, take a hard cold look in the mirror.

Because adults don't call other adults a “child” when they're trying to have an adult conversation. 

Only children do that. 

You aren't perfect. You have problems. So make sure your own fingers are clean before you go around pointing them at others.