you mentioned it in one of your previous replies so now I'm curious: we talk a lot about how Theo represses his sexuality as hell, but what about Boris? how do you think he feels about his (obvious) bisexuality? because I have the feeling he falls into a sort of personal biphobia: he has no problem whatsoever with queer people (Hobie, Sasha, he's a lot chiller than Theo regarding the subject) but when it comes to himself it's like he's suddenly scared to be associated with that kind of sexuality
Yes, I completely agree with the biphobia comment, I do think he represses his bisexuality a bit, itās just not as blatant or severe as, say, Theoās internalized homophobia. While Theo is very clear and conscious of the fact that homosexuality is something he doesnāt want to be associated with (we can see this in all the times he explicitly writes off everything he did with Boris as ānothingā as well as in his blatant fear of things and people that would be considered gay or effeminate), Boris is far more subtle andāin my opinionāunaware of it. On the surface he, of course, seems unbothered, as you said. He tells Theo that it doesnāt matter if Hobie was an āold poofterā or not, and he was also never afraid to physically express his attraction and love. He took the initiative during most of those casesāspooning Theo first, kissing him first etc.ā which leads me to believe he has no issues with physical affection, however āgayā that affection may seem. It doesnāt matter to him, whether heās kissing a guy or a girl, because I think he just perceives it as gratifying a natural sexual attraction, and to him gender has no place or consequence in that.
The repression, I believe, comes into play when considering emotions. After all, you can separate attraction from actual love or affection etc., those two things (while often paired together) do almost reside in completely different realms. My theory is that Boris subconsciously felt the need to reel himself in a bit once his feelings for Theo (not just his attraction) began to really materialize and gain weight. I donāt believe this is something he would have ever actively chosen to do, just something that happened of its own accord, without him really realizing. I think the thought of actually, genuinely, loving someone was terrifying enough to him, let alone loving a member of the same sex. For as incredibly progressive and all inclusive Boris (for the most part) isā there are some things that are just ingrained in the psyche, things that take root in childhood and never really dissipate without proper addressing. Iām sure Boris was exposed to homophobia throughout his youth (undoubtedly made worse by his father), so even if he didnāt have any qualms with the overall concept of homosexuality/bisexuality, I do think that the core issue is as you mentioned: bi is just not something he can reconcile himself as being. Itās fine from a certain distance, fine in his friends, coworkers, the people he loves, but when it comes to himselfāhe just doesnāt really know what to do with that bit of info.
But anyway, the why/how of his biphobia doesnāt matter so much as the knowledge that it is indeed existent within him, and that it does hinder his relationship with Theo. I mean, why do you think he is able to tell just about everyone else that he loves them (people who he sometimes doesnāt even know that well and/or hasnāt spent much time with), and yet canāt tell Theo (the one person itās obvious he cares the most about) the same? Heās so verbal when it comes to everyone and everything except for Theo, thereās an evident block there, something pulling him back from going all the way. And itās only the āI love youā that he canāt say, because he has no problem addressing the fact that they did sexual things (heās even the one to bring it up when theyāre adults), but he just canāt openly acknowledge that they had romantic feelings for each other, that what he felt was something more than a physical need. Heās afraid of the finality that would come with an open admission like that; I donāt think heās ready to perceive himself as bi, and so the consequences of talking about actual love are just too weighty and risky to him. So instead he deflects, he does a good job of pretending like heās indifferent, like Theoās the only one that was in too deep. In fact, he explicitly says to Theo āI think maybe you thought it was something elseā (in reference to their sex), as in: youāre the one that feels this way, not me. Youāre the gay/bi one, not me. He says this even though he was the one to bring the topic up in the first place.
I do also think it was biphobia, and the subconscious need for heteronormativity, that shaped his relationship with Kotku. I read it as Borisā attempt at running away, distancing himself from something he was beginning to sense was dangerous. The intense interdependency growing between him and Theo was just too much for him, too strong and unknown. He probably felt rooted, too tied up in one personāwhich is something we know heās not used to and is therefore somewhat afraid of (remember, his entire childhood was plagued with losing people and having to say goodbye). This is why I think he threw himself so deeply (and quickly) into the fling with Kotku. It was a very rushed and fervent thing, an emergency distraction he had to craft for himself. Spending time with her, instead of Theo, became an obsession within itself, which is really telling.
But yes, in short, thereās more than enough evidence to tell us he harbors a certain amount of biphobia, and does repress his bisexuality. Again, I donāt think itās something he is aware of, or would actively choose, but itās there nonetheless and shapes quite a bit of his actions.
vaporwave
pixelskylines
dededos
titsay
discoholicmusic
turnnoffyourmind
