Parodismal

Make her shorter if you must

Make them exactly the same size and shape but different colors

Give him a huge flock of babies following him around to show off what a great lay he is

Surprise mPreganté

Exactly the same but one of them has a cool hat (you decide which)

Give her a sensible haircut for successful hunting while he has a big dumb mullet so big and dumb the food can see him coming and book it

Hey here's what happened to the scraps of what was left of your culture and people who were genocided, congrats, it's been desecrated

Hey here's what your sister and opposite tribe is up to, hiding behind their walls while your people were genocided, here's everything you could have been, and also never were because even if you're both polar you're on opposite sides of the world.

His hearing is always the first sense to come back. That never changes. 

The first thing he hears is the weeping. Someone’s sobbing, another person’s whimpering softly, someone else is cursing bitterly. There’s a lot of sniffling. 

“Chad.” Prism’s voice, hoarse and wet. The rest of the team must have arrived some time after he was already dead. “You gotta let them take him, baby. He’s gone.” 

“Fuck off!” Flambae snarls right next to Robert’s ear. If his muscles were working, he would’ve jumped. 

Flambae was holding Robert’s hand when he died. Robert remembers his eyes, wide and panicked, frantically scanning the distance for help before finally locking onto Robert’s. Robert hated having to watch it sink in—the knowledge that help wouldn’t come quick enough, that it was going to be too late. 

“He told me to wait,” Flambae continues, his voice brittle and tight, “so that’s what I’m fucking doing.” 

Ah, that’s right. Robert didn’t actually manage to get much out—talking was incredibly difficult at the time—but he remembers trying to beg Flambae to wait for him to wake up again. He didn’t want to come back in a morgue and have to track them all down to tell them he wasn’t really dead. It's much better to do it with all of them gathered in one place.

As much as his instincts revolt at the idea of anyone else knowing his oldest secret, it’s inevitable now. Robert can't just die and then show up for work in the morning alive. And besides, hearing them now—Waterboy crying, Visi cursing viciously, Prism’s voice shaking—he finds himself wishing he’d just bitten the bullet and told them before. 

Next is his eyesight, although sometimes it’s hard to tell exactly when it comes back if he happened to die with his eyes closed. 

He must have died with his eyes open this time. He thinks he can vaguely remember turning them to the sky at the last possible moment, so Flambae wouldn’t have to watch the light leave them. A last minute apology for making him witness Robert's death.

Though he can’t move or focus his eyes yet, Robert can see his team well enough. He can’t really look at any one of them, but he can tell where they are and roughly what they’re doing. 

Sonar is in Mega Bat form, his giant body hunched over and sniffling beside Malevola, who’s staring at the ground. Robert can't see her face well enough to tell what her expression looks like.

He can’t see Visi at all, only the empty space Golem’s hands are closed around, probably keeping her from running away to do something stupid. After a moment, she flickers back into view, red-faced and breathing heavily. She picks back up cursing a blue streak, but this time her voice breaks on the word, 'asshole.'

Waterboy’s sitting on the ground, head down and crying heart wrenchingly. Punch Up is standing next to him, a hand on his shoulder. Coupé guards them, so incredibly still that Robert has a hard time picking her out from the dark canvas of the sky behind her. The sun had just begun to set when Robert drifted off. 

They’re all gathered a good couple meters away, and Robert can’t figure out why until he sees the black scorch marks on the ground, arching out from Robert’s body in a still smoking semi-circle. He sees orange and black in the corner of his eye and realizes that the scorch marks must have been Flambae’s doing. 

The reason for that becomes clear as he finally notices the paramedics standing beyond the team. There’s a toppled gurney laying abandoned in the scorch zone, a body bag smoldering slowly. 

Only Prism is brave enough to have gotten closer; she gingerly steps into the scorch zone, body relaxed and unthreatening. 

“Okay, that’s okay,” she says softly, like she’s talking to a cornered animal. “There’s no hurry.”

Robert hears Flambae’s breath shudder out of him. 

Scent and taste always arrive together. 

Robert suddenly becomes aware of the familiar taste of iron in his mouth, and he wishes his muscles were working so he could spit it out. The air around them is heavy with the overpowering smell of blood and sweat and smoke and melting plastic, and he can’t even twitch his nostrils. 

Sensation comes soon after. 

Usually when Robert comes back, the soreness overpowers any other sensations he’s feeling. Even the pain from unhealed injuries pales in comparison to the full body ache. It’s usually impossible to focus on any other feeling. 

Then again, he’s never had someone holding him as he came back before. 

Strong arms—Flambae’s—cling tightly to him, completely supporting his limp body. 

“He told me to wait,” Flambae repeats hoarsely, and Robert can feel the vibrations of his voice; he realizes his head is nestled under the other man’s chin. 

“Then we’ll wait,” Prism says firmly. “He probably knew what he was talking about.” 

Flambae squeezes him tighter, but says nothing. Robert can feel him swallow.

Second-to-last is his heartbeat. He doesn’t know how it works, but it’s always the first muscle to start working again, and it’s unsettling every time. 

His heart flutters uncomfortably in his chest, and Robert tries to steel himself against the sensation. 

He hates this part.

There’s always this span of time where he gets completely used to the absence of a heartbeat, to the point where getting it back feels viscerally wrong. He can’t even wince—all he can do is lay there limply as the muscle tries to stutter back to life, like an old car engine turning over. 

He sees Sonar’s giant head fly up at the first flutter, watches his wide, crimson eyes land on Robert, and then sees his face crumple as he looks at Robert’s unmoving body. The bat tucks his head back into Malevola’s stomach, and his hunched shoulders heave with a sob. 

No, don’t, Robert wants to tell him. Don’t cry, I’m almost back…almost…

Finally, he regains control of his muscles. This is when his heartbeat stabilizes and his lungs begin to work again. Very soon after this step, he’s usually able to move around just fine.

Robert takes a shuddering breath, the rattling wheeze especially loud in the somber atmosphere. 

It’s been a year at SDN and Robert has a full team of superheroes who have become close friends, family really. That’s how close they are. They’ve looked at Robert in all his depressed glory and they accepted him, healed him.

They leave furniture and decor pieces in his house. Punch Up loaded his fridge with Irish liquor and dropped off a shelf, Coupé gave him fantasy books and ballerina movie dvds to watch, Waterboy brought him watercolor paintings, Flambae stuffed his fridge with actual groceries and brought a few weight him, Prism gifts him a matching pot set, Invisigal forces him to take the vases she brought, Golem provided the plants, Malevola takes him thrifting, Sonar leaves one of his old suits and a bag of weed, and Phenomoman gets his dog a onesie (which Robert declared the best gift).

Robert’s schedule isn’t as depressing as before. He goes out with his team together but he also hangs out with them privately.

He helps Prism with her music videos (he became her new editor since he’s better at computers + free) and helps her design clothes (more like giving his opinions on patterns while she works on the style, fabric, etc). Robert might not know what style is but he does know what patterns work with what. And how to make them work. Much to Prism’s surprise, Robert knows how to brush her hair (it’s thanks to him asking so many questions about Chase’s hair that his babysitter forced him to sit down, watch, and learn). He listens to her talk about her mom in Michigan, how she misses her home, and how she was so ashamed of her villainy that she avoided contacting her mother for a year.

He works out with Flambae. Visited his niece and even babysat her one time when Flambae couldn’t. Flambae regularly forces him to leave his house and go grocery shopping so he doesn’t continuously eat bullshit. The two are close, closer than Flambae likes to state. He’s helped Robert with his chronic pains and, despite his denial, doesn’t mind when Robert curls up to him for warmth. The two sit on the balcony and smoke cigarettes while Flambae quietly tells Robert about his childhood in Afghanistan.

Coupé and him talk about books. After Coupé brought him books he decided it was time to renew his library card and read her other suggestions. They sip wine and talk about who their favorite characters were, what their favorite plot point was, all that jazz. If Coupé gets wine drunk, she’ll try to show off her ballerina moves but always ends up nauseous and dizzy. Robert sits with her and listens to her talk about her assassin days while she teaches him how to crochet.

Punch Up likes to try fighting his Mecha bot. Robert hesitates sometimes when he uses his plasma weapons, the same type of weapon that cut Flambae’s fingers, but Punch Up’s fast regeneration continues to soothe him into giving it his all when they fight. He watches rom-coms with him and doesn’t laugh when Punch Up’s tears up.

Malevola likes to make him try weird Australian foods like Vegemite or fairy bread (sorry Australians but you couldn’t convince me to like vegemite. Fairy bread? 👍). She thrifts with him and he doesn’t judge her when she opens up about her struggling to accept her body because of how often she’s sexualized. Malevola and Robert watch shows together. They sit on the couch, snuggled up together, and binge watch shows. If it’s too long to binge through the weekend or continuous, they’ll lament and whine about not being able to see all the episodes on the comms.

Sonar and Robert talk finances. Robert might be poor but he’s not dumb when it comes to finances, much to Sonar’s shock and pleasure. The guy’s got extensive knowledge and Sonar loves being able to rant and chuckle about his interest without getting shut down or quieting because someone’s bored (the Z team doesn’t do the latter but they do the former sometimes). Robert encourages him whenever he goes another month without cocaine and gets high with him every month. The two get insane munchies and end up eating out Robert’s fridge (much to Flambae’s disapproval). Robert sometimes sits with Sonar and brushes out his fur, giving him pats and scratches from time to time.

Golem and Robert listen to music, it’s nice, soothing, and sweet. They share songs and playlists and Robert likes Golem’s recommendations. The two garden a bit (literally). Robert invites Golem to help him with his neighbor’s window garden and ended up getting roped into joining his apartment’s rooftop garden club. Now the two have tomatoes growing on the roof.

Invisigal takes Robert for adventures. Rollercoasters, amusement parks, waterfalls, skydiving, gliding, zip lining, bungee jumping, it makes Robert’s head swim and his stomach churn but he laughs when Invisigal screams and takes pictures of the faces she makes so it’s worth it. They walk along the street for late night snacks and Invisigal opens up about her parents.

Waterboy is a total sweetheart and tries to refuse hanging out with Robert in an effort not to waste his time but Robert insists. Sure, it’s a bit of a hassle to put plastic everywhere when Waterboy comes over but it’s nothing compared to the glee in Waterboy’s eyes when he gets to share all his nerdy interests with Robert. They talk about anime, fnaf, dnd, all the stuff that would’ve gotten you called a weirdo in 2018 (but came back as cool in 2020). Robert walks along the beach with Waterboy as the guy gushes about how his grandma takes care of him.

Phenomoman is a bit of a strange one, being an alien and all, but since the guy picked up a hobby of pottery (weirdly enough), Robert joins him. It’s messy and terrible for both of them when they attend classes but slowly they get better, some faster than others. Robert and Phenomoman paint them and give a lot of what they make to the team. Mugs, cups, plates, bowls, it’s all given to the team.

The thing is, despite feeling a constant warmth and continent in his heart, his laugh lines becoming more prominence, and the deadness of his eyes hiding away day by day, Robert refuses to acknowledge the headspace he used to be in. He doesn’t open up about his childhood, freezes when anyone mentions his father, and shuts down at the notion of giving anything up. He’s happy now, why focus on the past? It didn’t matter. Robert feels a bit guilty every time he shuts down after one of his team members have shared something secret and sacred but his mouth simply can’t form the words.

Except an incident with a civilian happens. One moment Robert’ walking home from work, Beef absent from his hands since he went home with Chase, and a book waiting for him at home to finish so he can tell Coupé. Next moment, someone bumps into him, curses him, and before he knows it—a child is in front of him. Yet it’s not any child. Bright brown eyes, freckles on the face, bandage on the ear, it’s him. Robert as a child.

Blazer informs Robert (when he fished his phone out of his pocket, calling her in a panic) that they’ve been trying to catch this guy for ages but he keeps slipping away and to hold on for a while until his powers wear off. But his victims all took various times before their child self went away. Between days to years. Robert doesn’t want to have this child on him for years.

It doesn’t take much to convince his child self who he is, the personal knowledge of each other and the explanation of powers smooth out any curiosity or fear. Now, Robert’s stuck with a kid version of himself to take care of until the kid decides to up and poof away.

The Z Team coo and take pictures of his child self, joking about what went wrong. Mini Robbert stays close to Robert, hiding behind himself while still forcing himself to answer confidently and look straight into their eyes (just like dad taught them). Chase takes mini Robert when Robert finds himself unable to care for the kid during work. Robert chooses to ignore the way Chase’s eyes tear up at mini Robert’s rambling and rapid questions (something Robert forced himself to stop doing in his late teens)

But the pattern continues. Whenever a member is available, Robert will waste no time in giving mini Robert to them. Prism takes the kid toy shopping and karaoke, Flambae makes the kid delicious meals and lets him play in his hair like his niece (even lets mini Robert hang out with his niece, much to his family’s confusion), Coupé and mini Robert throw knives (much to Coupé’s surprise, mini Robert’s aim is scarily accurate), Punch Up and mini Robert watch action movies, Sonar plays video games with him, Malevola takes the kid to cafes, Invisigal takes the kid on even more amusement park rides, Waterboy and his grandma makes cookies with the kid, Golem helps the kid make dirt castles, and Phenomoman lets the kid fly on his back.

Point is, Robert is avoiding his child self. He doesn’t take the kid for long and the only time he’s with the kid is when it’s lunch break or when he’s not sleeping over at any of his team’s houses which means it’s straight to bed for them.

The Z team starts to notice and is…concerned. There’s nothing wrong with mini Robert. The kid has energy and stamina for days. Can take a good roughing up, is weirdly suspicious of his surroundings, has a strange formal vocabulary at times, stops himself from fidgeting, doesn’t always ask for what he wants, is weirdly good at fighting and…oh. So this kid’s traumatized too. And, look, to some level the Z team gets it, seeing your younger child self who’s going through trauma isn’t the best. But they also agree it’s time for Robert to face his past.

So they start becoming busy. Prism has to go to an interview, Flambae promised his sister he’d take her to run errands, Waterboy’s grandma needs care, Golem’s baby takes up his time, Sonar has a vandersteink convention to go to, Malevola is busy teleporting around, and Phenemoman feels depressed. Even Chase pulls away from mini Robert, much to Robert’s confusion and panic.

Now he’s concerned. Did mini Robert say anything? Do anything to cause concern? What is it that he did for the team to pull back. Now he’s at home, sitting on the couch with this kid, who happens to be him when he’s younger. He doesn’t want to see this guy, didn’t want to face what he’d been denying.

But then mini Robert asks a simple question, “When did we get a dog?” And he looks at Robert with this hopeful confusion on his face, one that Robert knows all too well. Because Robert always wanted a dog, any pet but a dog especially. Someone to play fetch with, take out on walks, show off your other kids, and cure his loneliness when his father stayed late.

And so Robert answers. But then mini Robert asks more questions and Robert answers because he comes to find that this wall in his mind, this chain on his tongue that stopped him from opening up to the team is loose in the face of his younger self. He watches his younger self go through a rollercoaster of emotions with every answer he gets but he doesn’t feel bad about it. Sure, some answers aren’t happy go lucky but he answers truthfully because he knows it’s the honesty he would’ve wanted at that age, tired of the pr or vague answers from other heroes.

At some point the two get up and Robert shows mini Robert all around his house. He shows mini Robert where each decoration came from, what story they came with, and even exaggerates some of them to make his younger self smile.

And then after, his younger self turns to him and says, “I can’t wait to have a family.”

I always find it interesting how different it is for both of them. Meanwhile Sonar becomes like a puppy trying to impress their owner, trying to be as good as he can on missions, bringing food to Robert (in all the fics I have found this is a very common trope)... Meanwhile Coupé becomes stalkerish, she follows Robert around under the pretense of "protecting" him, then they become close and realize just how alike they are due to their shared 'Child Soldier' childhood..

But now, I bring this to the table.. *slams file on table*.

Both of them getting bonderline obsessed in a no one gets cut AU.

Robert fought tooth and nail to not cut anyone. He went to HR, manipulated, threatened and pulled all the strings he could muster, called in all the favors he could, until finally HR accepted that, yes, Sharon, letting go of an ex-criminal to prove a point will only make the other ex-criminals go even more rogue rather than making them calm down.

So now Robert not only has one but two obsessed ex-criminals following him around. And you know what? He's rocking with it big time.

Once he gets home he leaves the door to his balcony wide open, knowing that Sonar at some point will get bored staying on the rooftop.

Whenever he gets take-out he orders two more of everything. Later on he memorizes Sonar's and Coupe's orders.

If when he's sleeping – if he entered the apartment one day to find a big ass bed that covered practically all the space in his tiny ass apartment.. yeah, that might or might not have been Sonar who is dang tired of sleeping in a half sitting position at Robert's feet. Sue him. – he wakes up to the feel of two bodies on top of him, he doesn't comment on it, doesn't even try to shuffle away, he simply throws an arm on top of whoever of the two got lucky to be on his chest and goes right back to sleep.

And the list goes on and goes fort.

Meanwhile you have Sonar and Coupé, who are going insane over the amount of affection and care their dispatcher is giving them. Neither of them are used to it, I mean, sure, Sonar's got Malevola, Coupé has Punch-Up. But it's not the same, you know?

Robert obviously knows, he most likely knew from the first day that it started. And he didn't care.

He asked once, what was it with the both of them, then never again.

And yes, Coupe might have kept her promise about 'eliminating' someone for Robert if he so needed. And yes, Sonar might have chugged down a fucker after he crossed the line with Robert at the bar.

But you know what? Robert did the same. Maybe not in the sinister, killing-people sense, but he protected them, he cared for them, he understands them.

And maybe that's all it takes for a woman who only knows how to kill and torture, a child soldier, to fall.

Maybe that's all it takes for a man whose instincts scream at him to protect, to mark, to keep, to cage and never let go, to accept them, to fall.

Then Mecha Man Blue appears on the scene, and he has no fucking chill and does NOT abide a villainous monologue or hero etiquette. He'll hit you in the face with a drone while you're in mid-evil speech. He'll drop kick a motherfucker full force with the mech suit, not check if they have super-healing or whatever. If you're killing ppl, these hands are rated E for "Your Evil Ass".

Blue doesn't fight outside of the suit very much, but on the few occasions it has happened, he is also fighting dirty. Oh, you're doing a fist fight? He picks up piece of rebar and just wails on you. You have a gun? LOL my armor is bullet proof kinetic tech-skin and I'm kicking you in the balls. He's breaking fingers and pulling hair. He does not give a fuck.

"A Mecha Man for the modern era," just means a Mecha Man who will fucking whoop your ass and everyone in the greater LA area is just like "He's valid! He has no superpowers! He's just a guy! He did nothing wrong!" Then they put together 5 minute "MMblue Sucker Punch compilation" edits of Mecha just annihilating villains to popular TikTok audios.