My blog to vent @paralysing-sadness-thoughts - Tumblr Blog

in a way i’m glad you hardly ever come on here anymore as i can take it as a sign you’ve got other things on your mind than this toxic place. hope you’re doing well maja.

thank you lovely, i am doing much better 😊💜

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I feel completely crushed under the weight of my sadness and despair. I’m always going to be haunted by it. I really just want to disappear.

And once again I’ve found myself completely consumed by my eating disorder 😔 I know this isn’t going to end well but at the same time, I know I deserve it and anything is better than continuing to be the fat piece of shit that I am.

I hate when the world just kicks you while you’re down.

Yep. So I’ve been in hospital for almost 6 days (in the cardiac ward with a feeding tube). And they told me last night I had to get moved to the psych ward soon (a ward that had previously provided me with one of the worst hospital experiences I’ve ever had). Spent last night a wreck (the psychiatrist was meant to talk to me for 15 min and ended up talking for 3 hours trying to convince me).

Then we had a house inspection today.

I find out my partner might be losing his job.

Then.... my fucking dog ends up KILLING my neighbours dog.

I can’t fucking believe my life right now. None of this seems real. I feel completely dissociative to my stupid body.

They say everything happens for a reason. Tonight I’m realising just how untrue that is. Unless it’s life’s way of telling me to just fucking kill myself alfeady.

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When all you want to do is kill yourself yet you have to go to work and be a mental health support worker and try to be encouraging to everyone and help them while being the biggest hypocrite ever.

I had one of the most traumatic nights last night

I was feeling awful as it was, completely consumed by my eating disorder and low mood. I then decided to take my dog on a walk. Towards the end, he attacked another dog. His jaw locked on him for minutes (that felt like hours). I was being thrown on the ground, and 3 grown men couldn’t rip him off. Eventually they got a metal rod to whack him with.

For 2 straight hours, I couldn’t stop crying, and I couldn’t breathe properly. My friend (/ ex boss- Nicole) drove 45 min just to support me.

I had to spend the night at my parents because I can’t look at my dog right now. Nicole said that it’s not his fault- he’s had such a horrible past and he just encountered one of his triggers last night. He usually isn’t aggressive. But I can’t help but blame myself. If I hadn’t taken him for a walk, it wouldn’t have happened.

The other owner got pretty badly injured with bites (presumably from his own dog). And the other dog is alright. I just can’t ever forgive myself. And the images of what happened keep replaying over in my head.

I just want to fucking die. I can’t do this anymore, I genuinely just cannot.

I hate hate hate myself so fucking much

Update

Trigger warning

I don’t remember the last time I ate / kept anything down- almost a week?

A few nights ago I was SO close to killing myself. I had a rope and everything- but I stupidly reached out to my boss (who has been keeping my head above water).

I’ve been sinking down a dark hole and I feel like I can’t escape.

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I’m struggling so so much tonight. I feel worthless, disgusting and like a complete waste of space. My stress levels are through the roof, and all i want to do is destroy myself.

Just had my last session with Nicole (case manager) forever. She’s the most incredible and helpful person I’ve ever met in my life, and I’m going to miss her so much. But I’m coping SO much better than I ever thought I would (like she’s genuinely shocked as well). I’ll probably run into her one day at a professional level. But for now, I just have to focus on continuing to better my life.

'him’

I’m terrified that i’m not the person you think i am. That i’m not the person you need me to be. And more than anything, i’m terrified that i’m going to break your heart. You deserve better than me.

It’s happening. Nicole is leaving.

And like that, i feel like my whole world is crushing down around me.

Hey, I hope that you're feeling better. Though you might not see us, we need you and love you. You are so strong!

Of course i see you! I may not always reply, because i try to stay off tumblr as much as i can- but i read and appreciate every single message. I love you too and i hope you’re doing well, thank you for your kindness x

#Anonymous

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Haven’t had a breakdown in two weeks, then everything got the better of me while I was at work today. I found out the guy I work with that I’ve liked for 2 years is now dating this other girl from work (so literally the most pathetic reason to breakdown) and I just lost it (I think that was just the final straw).

It sounds so so stupid, but I haven’t been in a relationship in over 3-4 years, and I just feel so worthless and ugly and gross because no ones ever interested in me. Everything about me must just be so repulsive. I know it’s an overused saying but I’m definitely going to just die alone and unhappy.

I’ve been working towards bettering myself and my mental health the past few years, but if I’m just so innately worthless and if I’m just going to inevitably always be miserable, why bother?

I feel so alone.

Woke up today and immediately had a breakdown. Since then, I’ve tried to push forward and maintain somewhat of a cool exterior exposure at work.

It just doesn’t help when the only person getting you through (my case manager) doesn’t return a lot of my calls anymore because I’m low priority now.

Feel really alone, and I can’t stop thinking about hanging myself.

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