SARAH DARLING

like I'm stuck with not knowing what i want to do, and i know some people can do that - go with the flow and follow their ‘path’ or whatever

but i don't like it

i want to know what i want to do, i want to know what i enjoy more than anything else, i want to care about something so much that i can spend everyday of my life doing it, but even now there isn't something like that. in a way, i feel like while I've been growing up i haven't been finding myself, I've been losing myself. i don't do anything anymore, I'm not satisfied, i don't believe that grades or college is what i should have been doing and I'm not going to university because i don't feel like that is what i should be doing either. but education is important, but going to college is just something to do. real education is learned through experience, through risks, through life. but I'm too scared of life, I'm terrified to be on my own. I'm scared to walk down the street alone after 9pm because of how much the media tells you - forces you - to know that you are probably going to be raped.

i feel like i have a lot to say sometimes, but no one to listen to it. its crazy, i have so much passion and feeling and so much energy but i can't find anything to channel it into. I'm insecure, i don't trust, i don't believe in myself, i don't ever feel like I'm enough or that I'm going to be enough. instead i just keep going, pushing to do what i do everyday even though its not fun. its not fun. i want freedom but its hard to find. i want money but I'm so bad with it. i spend my money on clothes and material goods in the hope of filling this feeling of wanting to know what i want to do, but instead i just lose money and gain clothes that i later hate. I'm stupid with things - certain things, i give into my emotions way too much and i over think, but i know i can be so much better, i just have no idea how to find out how to be.