Panda @ Anemic Insomniac

No, I’m TOTALLY not Pandanmilktea! You mean that girl who draws Fate and Wuwa in the Artist Alley? Or was at the *** ***** concert in ******* and the B*** concert in Ros***** handin’ freebies? Who has a big stupid ass crush on **** *********? Who DOESNT have a foot fetish?

You’re VERY ABSOLUTELY WRONG! I’m an impostor! I don’t know who this Panda girl is.. she’s weird.

A-anyways, I yap a lot, mostly abt dumb shit, like simping over 2D or, well, irl guys that don’t know I exist and don’t have a chance with. I’m not makin’ a twitter side bc I don’t want my yaps to gain traction! Tumblr is the perfect dumping ground! I like writing and journaling, and have a lot to say! I just… don’t say it. lol.

And I mean… I guess, sure, I’ll post some of my pieces here. I AM an Artist Alley artist, I suppose. Maybe I’ll see one of you tumblr degens at a con or smt, idk. I’d probably explode if a customer told me they’re reading my tumblr soapbox talks. I LIKE TALKING TO NO ONE OK?? 😭✋

6/8/26

Today's Goals:

finish sk standee sketch, figure out 3d chain aspect of piece, start taking notes to send to manu. Ask Manu if they do acrylic charms too, and if they can do a garland-style charm. otherwise, may need to contact main acrylic manu so the standee set will be made by two separate manufacturers.

begin brainstorming for Jeanne alter standee. both sk and jalter designs can be recycled for prints.

Begin brainstorming for Hiyuki.

finalize planning of new merchandise. See if fish tin MOQ can be met. Otherwise, may look for other Manu for acrylic tin boxes.

begin stamp rally prize

Deadlines:

sk, jalter, fsn stamp rally designs = EOM to allot time for manufacturing and shipping

Apply for sales tax certification of authority for ny = next week. they ship out a paper permit so it takes time to process.

****: before 7/16 to allot time for printing/flight. Do not send files to Henry, go to Fedex. Quantity 150-200 depending on interest. May print a few hundred more for ANYC/San Japan freebies, but keep it smol for now.

Merch Progress:

Print Progress:

SK: Complete sketch EOD

Jalter: Begin pureref + sketching

Hiyuki: Begin pureref + sketching

****: Can begin pureref file + pose base + establishing key light, but wait for a bit till ~end of tour to complete design.

Print Queue (Not Final):

Shorekeeper

Jeanne Alter

Vivian ZZZ

Raiden MGR

Revenant or Messmer or Lady Maria

Otacon Solid Snake MGS1

Scathach

Hiyuki

Lucy?????

Gilgamesh (fuck the hsr version)

Brant

Qiyuan

Vergil DMC3

Kronii

panty and stocking

Merch Queue:

mochikorin plushies: Neko arc, saber, doll, lady Maria, panty, stocking, mgs charas

chili standees?????: Panty, Stocking, DMC3 Dante and Vergil, Rin, Sakura, Saber OR MGS3 Big Boss, Ocelot, MGS1 Solid Snake, MGS2 Raiden

Sticker books?????

Acrylic Tin Boxes?????

More Charms: Iuno, Chisa, Lucy, Rebecca, MGS charas, Gilgamesh, Neko arc, Reuse Lady Maria stamp rally prize for charm

Ribbon: May reuse fromsoft stamp rally ribbon design, some cursed shit.

Stamp Rallies:

Fate: Multi-insert chibi standee with fsf characters. Capped to 5 artists (completed). Artists given further instructions to complete designs by 6/20. Do not begin stamp card design until august. Social Media flyers should be posted ~1-2 weeks before San Japan

Wuthering Waves: TBA. Do not begin stamp card design until August.

MGS: Ribbon design, charm

Table Setup:

ANYC is an 8ft setup, but SJ is 6ft. Make separate print layouts. May need to get a portfolio book for A3s. Get a new gingham cloth. pls. that red one was wayyy too short for ACEN. stick with red gingham, ppl gravitate towards red no matter how saturated it is. and use your damn lights. people love lights, they're like fucking moths. You like lights too. Sure, ANYC is kinda like Momo in the sense folks like smol things, but they can be baited by looking at the prints and then splurging on the tiny stuff. And make a big ass sign with your table number. Folks will get confused. Also some cons don't label aa numbers that well (cough cough M***con) so you rlly need to. Looks like ANYC is using that same exact database for AX, so fill that shit out when it's open. it's run by the same people so maybe your AX file is saved.

Tomorrow's goals:

Figure out deadlines for inventory/restocking. Do not order everything at once for both cons. ANYC first, then San Japan. Keep it gradual. It's not full-on back to back.

since no one I don't want lookin' at my blog is lookin' at my blog, I decided I'm gonna try to hold myself accountable for con prep of my next two events!

I have adhd and anemia. And vv tired often from work. Dont underestimate IDA; despite it being common holy shit it is screwing me over! But I also wanna do the things I wanna do 🥹 it’s sometimes hard to motivate myself, even when I write in my planner. Despite all the stress and tears, I love what I do, truly. It is a joy to travel to cons, sell my wares, and meet all sorts of folks.

Today's Goals:

Merch Progress:

Print Progress:

Print Queue:

Merch Queue:

Stamp Rallies:

Table Setup:

A perfect epilogue of what ended off in edgerunners. I knew Kuro was gonna pull it off, and it pulled at my heartstrings <3 it’s so satisfying! IF YOU CRIED AT THE LAST EPISODE OF EDGERUNNERS YOU WILL LOVE WUTHERING WAVES

I love Wuthering Waves for how beautiful the atmosphere is, and there are aspects where it feels Souls-like (ex: Fleur de Lis fight). Yes there are more waifs but each of them aren’t just filler and have crucial parts in the story. They are well developed as characters and honestly they’re all queens.

Honestly I don’t care if a game is gooner or not. But I much prefer the outfits of the resonators in the game. Yes some are very revealing and appeal to certain parts of the audience 🦶, but at the same time they make the character distinct and they blend into their environment. Shorekeeper, Iuno (gotta glaze my wife), Hiyuki, Qiyuan, Phrolova, he’ll even Cantarella… those are some of my favorite designs. There’s so much character! And the BRITISH ACCENTS! I LOVE IUNO’s EN VOICE! Ik she’s more cutesy in Jp/KR/Cn, but her deep en voice gives her a sense of regality, classiness and whimsy.

Download it! Now! everyone should play wuthering waves!

… except for ****. Stay. Tf. Away. I’m gatekeeping this from him. I don’t care if he liked the edgerunners anime! He’s supposed to stay a

normie and not get into peak! If you’re who I’m talking about you better not be watch in’ cutscenes on YouTube or wtv! (He’s not lurking here, I’m talking to the void. But again, no one is lurking here! HA! HA!)

No not for a bad reason. I don’t hate him I promise, I’m just easily flustered! I just worry if **** gets into my comfort series and starts ramblin’ bout them in an interview I will like him more. >:(

I don’t wanna blast em bc I have vended with this host/event organizer before and don’t wanna get in their bad side and get black listed. And yeah, true, they aren’t my most profitable events. They’re all normies. lol.

But I like em bc I can walk a few tables from me and grab a drink to nurse the entire event. Several drinks, actually. There’s a lot of cool drink vendors that exclusively do pop ups so it’s cool to sample em. But it’s also why I make many trips to the restroom lol.

I never do anything outdoors tho. Been there done that. I like keepin’ my merch clean ;w;

I need to apply for one of their events soon bc I always forget. I get busier and busier every year but I also don’t have an event lined up in Cali soooooo

I asked some of my fellow local wuwa artists and they're on board too!

I can’t help it! I’m naturally nervous of folks who are more skilled/bigger/have a larger public impact. Or well… I get nervous if I’m being perceived as a fellow artist in the same sphere. Remember when I said I hide my badge or make up a lie and say I was a helper? (In some cons the helper/artist badge looks the exact same)

Part of this reason is because I’m pretty hyper aware of the parasocial shit that can happen with artist-follower-anyone else rlly relationships. Yes, they even happen here. Some of my peers have dealt with stalkers, “social climbers,” whatever, you get it (“you” as in the void. No one reads ts lol. Or at least, no one I DONT WANT reading my soapboxes is reading them.)

So I always worry that introducing myself would bother them. Like I’m a nuisance or one of those “parasocial” ppl they talk abt. “Oh look at this idiot, her account is small and she sucks at posting often. Does this bitch want a follow back? Fuck no! Fuck you you parasocial bitch.” Most of the time I just wanna tell them I look up to them as artists, and wanna give them some free stickers or a biz card, but apparently some folks don’t like it so I only do it with my friend’s moots T^T

I remember I went to a table to an artist I looked up to, and I felt myself blushing from being too flustered bc I was stuttering lol. I legit said “hi. I love your work. You inspire me. Here. Some free charms. Have a good con!” And ran away.

The friends I have in AA have either been moots I met at dinner after a con, on discords, stamp rallies, or they introduced themselves first. I’m always grateful for them and I always seek their tables out when I’m in the same con! ^^

It’s not just artist alley, though. It’s everywhere in my life.. I assume the worst in the people I look up to the most. Or well, I always assume I’m bothering them and they hate me. Not because I think they are pieces of shit, 99% of the chance it isn’t. It’s to protect myself so I don’t feel disappointed in case they actually turn out to be pieces of shit TwT

it’s how my brain works! I have a fear of being delusional and worry that I secretly assume that everyone I talk to will like me and that I should be all friendly bubbly first off the bat to everyone!

This is not to say I don’t sympathize bc I do. Stalkers and creepy folks are scary. You never know who is behind the screen. I hesitate to post my face bc of this. It is mentally draining and I 100% support having firm boundaries and having these sorts of conversations.

I guess in a way, that extends to ****. Realistically the man doesn’t know I exist, doesn’t know what I was doin’ “there,” has never seen “that,” so I’m essentially an NPC.

At the end of the day, when it’s raining, one single droplet ain’t enough to cause a ripple over the lake.

But my brain tells me “nah he hates you bro, you’re trying to overstep your boundaries. YOURE one of those fans, the reason he left social media! He’s disconnected for a reason! Stop being parasocial! He ain’t noticing ’ you!,” so i will always end up assuming the worst.

Realistically the only thing I did was hold up my damn print at the show to try to give it to him. Didn’t work out, easy as that (it’s mostly a logistical reasoning since set lists are tight, but I have an anxiety ridden brain and I do try to reassure myself)

That’s why I joke to myself: “if he knew who I was, he would hate me.” When the reality is “I’m just an NPC.” The man is bad with faces and while I was behind barricade I only saw them once.

Man I hate trauma T-T this is what happens when u grow up having to ask permission to exist.

I suppose healing is a never ending journey…

except for work. I disconnect emotionally lol. Because I’m the one poking them. No one likes needles lol.

Huh I guess that’s why most of my friends didn’t get in this year, myself included. Last year it was literally all the avengers of anime art assembled. Industry AAA artists, the folks who get commissioned by Hoyo n whatnot, the kawaii small-things and trinkets, the gooner print artists, everyone. Most of my moots and myself tabled.

That AA shhhRUNK! But that means dummy thicc sales! It’s hard to stand out when the AA comprises of 900 or so artists.

But I wonder if you could still breathe in the aisles 🧐 some of my artist friends had oxygen masks on. Yes, you read that right. O2 tanks n all that jazz.

It’s ok I got in the first round last year. I did an AX. Con checked off

Good news for metal gear solid folks

In our MGS rally at SJ I am drawing four BUTTS! That’s right, old man asses!

In my fate stamp rally, we got a large prize. A multi insert chibi standee. Hey, I gotta rep it for my #1 fave series of all time!

for the wuwa one, keep your eyes peeled! I’m not hosting so I’ll let me dearest friend handle that. But, surprise to no one, I’m obviously drawing my wife, Iuno!!

… I DID try to ask around if anyone was interested in a emo/metal band stamp rally. I got one reaction, but unforch it will not come to fruition. My friends that do MCR/TOP stuff didn’t get in, but otherwise I woulda had one with them.

Worst part is, they got into ANYC too. And guess tf what? ANYC banned stamp rallies. Boo

However, I will say: if I did do a band stamp rally, I’d be doing BMTH. Not *** *****. Hey, sorry— folks preferred my Oli print over the **** one at ACEN. It seems my customer base is more BMTH fans than *** ****** ones. I was doing inventory and noticed that a lot of Fate fans who went to my booth were also BMTH fans. I do this for my squad I do this for my gang

I dun wan my prints to be all lookin washed up while the only factor pushing the price up is the foil effect!

DIY? I’m too broke for that! You know how much a siser Juliet costs??

My foils are $30! And apparently that’s on the low end for artist alley artists!

W-well.. ok fine! It IS my favorite outfit, ok? That’s just my preference. I’m happy I got to see him up close in it. I’m a sucker for necklaces and uh, no I don’t have any nefarious thoughts! It’s just my style.

But I also want him to wear it bc he just felt like it and it was something bc he wanted to switch shit up. so that I can reassure myself that my hunch is incorrect and whatever happened at the ******* show was pure coincidence. It probably is, it has to be! There’s no way a celebrity knows some small fry artist, whom the algorithm has been beating the shit out of, exists. I don’t get reach on the soc meds, how would he have known I was handin’ my prints out?

He doesn’t know this art account, he doesn’t know I exist, he doesn’t know what I look like, he hasn’t seen that fanart I did of him, he doesn’t have a copy, he didn’t see it on reddit. can he even SEE a 4’11 person, realistically, from the pit? No!

The most my impact has done has always been small scale, community based. Nothing large. I’ve never reached large scale impact, not significant enough for “larger up there” folks to see, bc usually those type of folks only look at the things that gain traction, what is most popular, the things you don’t have to search to see. I’ve never been up there.

So realistically my hunch is incorrect. I cannot see what thing I did, it’s such a small thing.. had an impact on someone very, very, far away, let alone a large one, or “oh a fan drew me lel, anyway…” I mean, if i did somehow do so, that’s probably the most likely scenario that happened, and nothing came out of it.

For me to have had an impact on someone that large, for someone who has famously distanced himself to protect his peace from the harassment of “fans,”

It is logistically impossible.

I mean… yeah sometimes I wish I was a bigger artist but it’s also my fault I’m inconsistent with posting so the alg hates me lmao 😭 but I swear on my heart I still hold close those moments where I do impact people’s hearts!! I’ve always been more community >> corporate anyway lol

Though, sometimes I wish he wore something different at ******* lol. If it were any of his other fits I’d just shrug be and be like “eh, it’s cool” and go on with my life. He didn’t see it, eh who cares? I made the folks around me happy, that’s all I care about.

Oli didnt see shit, I don’t care. His music had a huge impact on me, idc if he’s seen my shit. I had a blast at ******** and the folks I handed to loved it to death. I didn’t mind going the extra mile to make sure the barricade folks got a copy. Their enthusiasm made me so fucking happy and emotional… I suppose it’s why I look back on ACEN fondly.

No sac for me! sorry norcal!

Now I gotta apply for winter wonder mart tho..

oh wait... san japan allows proxies!

nah, i dont wanna. personally i wouldn't do em. Not only bc i dont wanna pay someone to go travel n sell my stuff. As an attendee, I always enjoyed meeting the artist, even when I am too shy to approach them. So when I do cons and sell my wares in-person, I'd want folks to know that the tiny ass girl you see with her head bonking on the bottom of her photo stand... that's me in the flesh.

And I love signing prints. Whenever someone asks me to sign, it makes me feel so warm inside. And then the folks who send me pictures of my prints nice and framed on the wall! So yeah, I’d wanna be where my prints are gonna be.

irl though.. even with other artists i can be pretty shy. I recall at ax, I was at some large artist's table to buy some merch, and i deliberately hid my artist alley badge. Bro I'd LIE and say I was an attendee or wtv, i mean, who's gonna know?

I get flustered easily, but I also get easily intimidated. Whenever a vtuber strolls about on those lil laptop mopeds or whatever-shit I gotta look away. or if it's a big artist whose face I know, not naming names! If it's someone I admire, whether it's for their skill or for.. uh, other things, I feel an immediate, instinctive urge to hide. Zip up my jacket, throw my hood on, make sure my mask fits snug so the bottom half of my face is concealed. I can speak, don't worry, but uh... I might run away. actually I have. many times.

Like bro, you WORKED with all these big names and games, a big whole ass industry artist, and yet... you want to see MY art? Just because you think I'm cute irl doesn't mean my art is, man!

I do try my best to be a bit more courageous though. It's always good to make new connections in this world. You never know who you could reach out to, or be known to.

Well except to him. Anime and metal can go hand in hand but it’s not like metal bands are like “hey! Let’s go to AX and start plucking folks from the AA!” Like no… that’s not a thing. There’s a specific style that appeals to metal that’s not really represented well in western anime cons.

What does this mean? It’s not bad business practice to get flustered and run away from folks who aren’t even in your potential clientele. Nothing bad’s gonna happen if I duck under my table, or lie and say I’m just a helper, in the impossible scenario he shows up. Stonks.