When no one’s around, your “good girl” subtlety isn’t what it used to be

That alpha-bitch pose melts away like chalk on a sidewalk

Tonight, after you’ve locked your bathroom door…

When that first hint of Moscato washes over your tongue

When your bathwater rises to your chest and your hands make their journey

There are a lot of post out there about red flags and things to avoid when looking for a Dominant. I know I’ve written more than one myself. But it got me to thinking about the flip side to that equation, which of course is what should you be looking for? I’ve been asked this question a lot, and while it’s easy to say, just the opposite of what the red flags are, I thought it would be helpful to write a little something.

Perhaps other people have their own ideas about important characteristics, but these are the things that are important to me.

Patience- Look for a Dom who is willing to build a relationship and doesn’t expect to materialize one from thin air simple because you are a submissive and they are a Dominant. They should also show patience with you, and a willingness to wait until they have earned your devotion and trust. You shouldn’t feel as if you’re being dragged along by their wants and demands. A man like this is unlikely to engage you sexually on a first date. (Yes, there are exceptions)

Reliability- Can you depend on him? When he says that he will do X thing, does he take concrete steps or is it just words? He says he’ll be there for you when you need him, does he call when he knows you have a big interview, or check on you when you’re sick without your having to pick up the phone first? Do you feel you can depend on him?

Integrity- He says he values family, does he take the time to see and call his own? Men with integrity hold to their moral principles even to the detriment of their own comfort. Take humility for example. If he is someone who agrees a Dom sometimes needs to be humble, then you should watch and see what happens when he makes a mistake. Is he quicker to apologize than he is to provide excuses?

Honesty- This should go without saying, but sadly it doesn’t. Those little white lies are very telling. A man who values honesty has no place for them. You won’t find him making up some story about why he was late for your date because his character is more important to him than saving a little face. These small truths or lies tell the story of a person who is either comfortable, or uncomfortable, with dishonesty.

Transparency/A willingness to explain- The whole “pay no attention to the man behind the curtain,” thing is best left in The Wizard of Oz. A great Dom will be open about his process, because he has your best interest at heart. Most especially during vetting he should be more than willing to explain his reasoning. It’s a great way to build trust. This doesn’t mean he’ll owe you an explanation for every order until the end of time, but his transparency during vetting is very telling.

Calmness- A great Dom is cool under pressure. He behaves rationally in crisis and is quick to find solutions. You’ll notice his focus under pressure is on how you’re doing, and on what step to take next. He doesn’t need to raise his voice to feel heard, and when you do something like forget to call his default is concern and not anger.

Willingness to learn- Adaptability and enough humility to know that no man is an island is very important. He will fuck up. (So will you.) His willingness to change his behaviors based on new information, and to grow as a person are very telling. How does he react to a controversial blog post you show him? Does he shut it down immediately? A Dom who is thoughtful and open to learning will have a valid and well thought reason if he does.

An interest in YOU- Look for someone who wants to know about you. This is after all, first and foremost, a relationship. He should show an interest in your hobbies, your family, and your favorite books/films. All the things a normal love interest would. It’s probably a good sign if he knows where you went to college before he knows if you enjoy anal.

Consistency- You’ll note that many of these things are traits you can only see develop over time. You couldn’t possibly know them for sure after a week of talking with someone. You need to see them face adversity and show consistency over time in order to know their true metal. (Yeah, that means you can’t rush the process) Do these characteristics go out the window when things are stressful, or emotional, or are they integral parts of who this person is?

Vetting is an intimidating process. Often we feel eager for that secure feeling of being cared for and that can muddy a submissive’s judgement. Time, time, and more time. Someone worth waiting for won’t mind the wait.

EDIT: I want to say, in response to some comments that have been made, that YES these characteristics are the same as any other relationship. It also reminded me that there is one characteristic exclusive to Doms that I failed to include: