OUTSIDE.LOST

                Alan’s hands shake as he makes the man’s coffee, preoccupied with keeping himself in check. A swallow. A cough. ❛ Yeah. V-----Very. You? ❜ When you haven’t had a sufficient amount of sleep in years, you start to notice it in others. He notices it.

                 A little taken aback, he shuffles away a few steps, hand curling in his coat pocket. There’s no way his good conscience will let him leave without offering some kind of assistance. It would eat him in his sleep.                 ❛ Are you sh-sh-sh-sure? Do-Do you need me to kuh-call someone? ❜

                 ❛ Moved here ah-ah-ah couple y-years ago. California. Wish I-I-I-I-I was-was passin’ through. ❜ The state’s name leaves a bad taste in his mouth (like most things these days) and he washes it down with his topped drink, teeth grinding at the back. There’s nothing Alan would like more than to pack up and leave again but there’s nowhere farther to go, save for international. Alan already knows the answer before he asks, but the least he can do is reciprocate. ❛ You? Doesn’t sound-sound luh-luh-like you’re from here. ❜

❛  but officer, they were fucking with my clique.  ❜ ❛  if you lose yourself, i will find you.  ❜ ❛  true friends don’t judge each other. they judge other people. together.  ❜ ❛  oh, you’re my friend? name three of my albums.  ❜ ❛  i’m sorry, but you must be at least a level four friend to unlock my tragic backstory.  ❜ ❛  fuck you but fuck me first.  ❜ ❛  you’re cute, what is your face html?  ❜ ❛  my life is one big ‘ wow, ok. ’  ❜ ❛  my life is just poorly made decisions with alternative music playing in the background.  ❜ ❛  i accidentally messed up my life, how do i start a new account?  ❜ ❛  my life is a joke and i’m not laughing anymore.  ❜ ❛  at myself, what the fuck are you doing.  ❜ ❛  if yahoo answers can’t solve your problem, then you’re in too deep.  ❜ ❛  this is the police. open up. tell me something about yourself, don’t be afraid.  ❜ ❛  how do you get a nice body without moving.  ❜ ❛  it’s so hard when you’re in a cuddly mood and don’t have anyone to cuddle with!! this is an outrage!!  ❜ ❛  ever wonder how different your life would be if that one thing never happened?  ❜ ❛  you ever just ugh really hard?  ❜ ❛  i’m a really affectionate person one you get past my five layers of shyness, awkwardness, fear, vague dislike and loneliness.  ❜ ❛  i was confident for like two minutes one time.  ❜ ❛  all i think about is sex and what i’m going to eat next.  ❜ ❛  i have my pencils and my tears ready.  ❜ ❛  i’m that kinda person who, between two choices, will always pick the wrong one.  ❜ ❛  i avoid everyone, including the people i like.  ❜ ❛  i always wonder why no one likes me and then i remember that i don’t even like me.  ❜ ❛  gosh golly! this beat is … whoo! this beat is … DANDY!  ❜ ❛  it’s hard being hilarious when everyone ignores you.  ❜ ❛  thinking about space fucks me up.  ❜ ❛  my biggest struggle in life is trying to make my eyeliner the same on both eyes.  ❜ ❛  i wish i could illegally download clothes.  ❜ ❛  heelys don’t have brakes because my swag don’t stop.  ❜ ❛  i know i make lots of jokes but i promise you, i’m a really sad person.  ❜ ❛  at least i can admit that i’m a piece of shit.  ❜ ❛  ‘ i’m not bitter ’ i say bitterly, with a bitter expression.  ❜ ❛  i’m fluent in talking shit.  ❜ ❛  it’s crazy how there are seven billion people on the planet and all of them are in love with me.  ❜ ❛  why am i better than everyone?  ❜ ❛  sometimes it physically pains me to hold back my sarcastic comments.  ❜ ❛  I SWEAR, I AM NOT CUTE OR SWEET. DON’T CALL ME THAT. I AM EVIL. I AM THE SHADOWS IN THE NIGHT. FEAR ME.  ❜ ❛  i don’t ‘ dress to impress. ’ i dress to depress. i wanna look so good that people hate themselves.  ❜ ❛  i love learning bad things about people i don’t like.  ❜ ❛  i bet you thought you’d seen the last of me.  ❜ ❛  i’m just an asshole with feelings.  ❜ ❛  there’s a special place in hell reserved for me. it’s called the throne.  ❜ ❛  damn boy, are you the terms and conditions? because i don’t give a fuck about what you have to say.  ❜ ❛  damn gurl, you flappy bird? because no one likes you.  ❜ ❛  your tattoo says ‘ only god can judge me, ’ yet here i am.  ❜ ❛  i’m not even sassy, i’m just an asshole.  ❜ ❛  i’m not a bitch, i am the bitch.  ❜ ❛  i like being obsessed with things so that i am distracted from how much i hate myself.  ❜ ❛  tips on talking to me when i’m pissed off: don’t.  ❜ ❛  my fashion sense is called ‘ i am cold and pissed off. ’  ❜ ❛  maybe ‘ fuck you ’ will be our always.  ❜ ❛  i believe in hate at first sight.  ❜ ❛  you hate me? wow, so much in common already.  ❜ ❛  i’m filled with hate and useless facts.  ❜ ❛  do you ever just wear headphones so people won’t talk to you?  ❜ ❛  i’d be such a good girlfriend, you’re all missing out.  ❜ ❛  getting into a relationship may seem tempting but so was getting on the titanic ship and look what happened there.  ❜ ❛  there’s always gonna be that one person who you can’t get out of your mind, no matter how hard you try.  ❜ ❛  i ship me and money.  ❜ ❛  have you ever met someone who’s smile looks like it could make flowers grow?  ❜ ❛  how do i get over someone i never dated?  ❜ ❛  i have a very big crush on you but sadly i am only a little bug and you are a garden.  ❜ ❛  if you grab my face right before you kiss me, i’ll definitely fall in love with you.  ❜ ❛  i don’t like your clothes, take them off.  ❜ ❛  put me in the coffin with both middle fingers up.  ❜ ❛  dying is taking too long.  ❜ ❛  being cremated is my last hope of getting a hot, smoking body.  ❜ ❛  don’t joke about murder. i was murdered once and it offends me.  ❜ ❛  you can’t spell school without ‘ i want to stab myself. ’  ❜ ❛  good news, everyone: dogs.  ❜ ❛  if you think it’s impossible to fall asleep to heavy metal, then you’re completely wrong.  ❜

               ❛ Sorry-Sorry. I-I-I-I---- I’m not feelin’ that gruh-gruhhh-great, ❜ he shudders, crumpling the bag into a tight ball until his knuckles whiten.

                    They share something in common. Alan has his fair share of sleepless nights, kept awake by the constant buzzing in his head or the nagging suspicion that someone is lurking outside his bedroom door. Last night was one such case, sitting in the corner, crying into his bookshelf and trying to understand why everyone was out to get him. He rubs his tired eyes now and blinks solemnly for a moment, trying to catch up.                      ❛ T-tuh-tuh----tee------two-fifty per, ❜ he says in a shakier voice than he’d anticipated. 

                     Rattling hands are shaking the contents of the finally finished mug onto the countertop and he’s trying very hard not to give in to despair. The poor, abused ceramic cup is almost dropped at the touch of the hand with the jerk of his shoulder DOWN.                      ❛ Don’t f-fuckin’ touch me---  ❜ is the first thing out his mouth when he turns around, sliding eagerly away from the grip like he’s been burned. The now half-full coffee has become a lifeline as his hands wrap sharply around it, hoping to abate the trembling with instilled warmth. ❛ I’m f-fuh-fuh-fuckin’ fine, man. D-Don’t worry ‘bout it. ❜ He can’t expect others to understand, can’t expect others to relate to why he is the way he is. A sniff.

                     He’s still groggy, plagued by a headache that’s bogged him down all morning, keeping him in bed instead of working like he thinks he DESPERATELY needs to be right now. Alan, in all his pajama’d glory, shuffles meekly behind her.                      ❛ No i-interruption. Is-Is there a-a-a-a-a problem? ❜

                    He covers his mouth with a tattooed hand, biting his palm like he could stop the flow of broken words that way. A cough in frustration and his hands clench into fists. His anger isn’t misplaced and certainly isn’t directed at her, but when he speaks again his voice is uncharacteristically loud. ❛ YE-YES! ❜

                                                                                                                         ( art credit )

& . @nnindfuck