icarus falling;

It had happened so quickly but it wasn’t like their parents hadn’t had plans set in stone for years. Orion was so tired of facing his parents’ disappointment every time he talked to them; so exhausted of being reminded of his mistakes at every turn. He knew this wouldn’t change anything; it wasn’t as if he could ever live up to their expectations but perhaps it would appease them for a little while. So, he had said yes to the marriage his mother had been trying to push them into ages. And then Lucinda had agreed as well. And after that it was as good as finalized. He knew there would be a dinner sometime soon but that was practically a formality. 

The panic hadn’t set in; the realization that he was really getting married. He had spent his entire adult life running from it, had told himself he would find a way for it to be different and yet.Turns out the line of cocaine he had done right after coming here did wonders for his emotional stability. Lucinda was his friend though and they understood each other; if he had to spend his life with anyone apart from Doug, he was glad it was her. The thought made him flinch. Orion was trying so hard not to think of him. Was this betrayal? It sure felt like one.

He knew he had to tell him soon and he was going to but perhaps not tonight. Instead, he found the strongest bottle of Firewhiskey that he could and went over to her place. Orion pressed the doorbell, leaning against the frame. “Did you hear the news?” He asked rhetorically, holding up the bottle, accompanied with a slight laugh. “Apparently we’re getting married.” 

“Hey,” Bilius smiled when he saw Orion. When did he open the door? He was missing chunks of time. Even one that only happened seconds before. “You’re still awake,” he mumbled accusatorially as if Orion had no right to be. Like many times he has done before. And then, “You came.” Bilius gave a drowsy smile. His eyes were dulled by his intoxication. It took a lot of effort to get him to his feet but Orion managed. With his arm draped over Orion’s shoulder, they trudged into the room. Each step was felt like a complicated maneuver that Bilius had to figure out. Meanwhile, Orion was right there beside him. Touching him. Merlin, did Bilius miss a familiar person’s touch. Bilius decided to stop walking and hug Orion with both of his arms. “It’s good to be back,” he mumbled as his head pressed unto the other man’s shoulder. He said it as if he just simply went away for a long journey and now he was finally back home to Orion.

He didn’t say the words that were on the tip of his tongue; the fact that Bill was the one who had come to him. Would he have gone if Bill had called him? Perhaps but that was another thing entirely. He knew how Bilius liked to drink but this was so much worse even for him. Not that he could blame him. “Couldn’t sleep,” was all he said in reply as he dragged him to the bedroom. Orion stiffened slightly when Bilius stopped and wrapped his arms around him. There was a part of him that wanted to tell him that he didn’t get to do this anymore but he was clearly distraught and something about that made Orion’s heart hurt as well. So he pressed his hand to his back, returning the hug just for a moment and chose not to comment on his words. It truly was better if he just slept this off. “You’ll feel better once you’ve gotten some sleep,” he finally said, pulling away. 

Heart-break. Mulciber thought he’d experienced his fair share; thought he’d known what it felt like to feel his heart crack in half. The words out of Orion’s mouth were the truth, as unfortunate as they were. Maybe Douglas was just not meant to be happy. Maybe he was just not meant to have happiness. Maybe he was meant for destruction. He was taught that it was part of him, hadn’t want to believe it. But, maybe it was. Maybe he was just taught to destroy, and so that’s what he did. Mulciber was a hurricane and Orion had been the eye. He should’ve known it wouldn’t last. 

Maybe Mulciber should let him go right now. It would be easier for Orion that way. He could go on and live his life, a better life, probably, then what Mulciber would ever give him. Besides, all of his ideas for their life were just a fantasy. Orion was right. He was marrying someone else. Someone whom he didn’t love, at least not in the way that he loved Orion. He didn’t look at Alessia and see butterflies. He didn’t look at Alessia and see love. He didn’t look at Alessia and see bloody salvation. 

He didn’t look at Alessia and see home.

“I wish it could,” he said, softly, looking down at his hands, now empty. They felt so cold without Orion’s hand. “Trust me, sometimes I feel like I could move oceans for you with the way I feel.” The words were so soft that Mulciber wasn’t exactly sure he’d said them out loud. Maybe he should’ve said it before. Orion truly deserved to have someone who told him how he felt. To be loved. God, did Mulciber even know what that meant? To be loved. He’d only ever been loved by Orion, and maybe he was just mimicking that feeling. Was that a bad thing, though? To be kinder? To be softer? For the first time in his life, not itch to torture something with his wand? No, for once Mulciber didn’t want power. He just wanted Orion. 

A shake of his head and Mulciber was there, gently reaching out for him and taking his face in his hands. After searching Orion’s eyes (Godric he loved those eyes), he found himself smiling ever so slightly. “I’m not asking you that,” he said, softly. “Because I don’t think of it that way. I don’t see myself having a family with Alessia a-and… I don’t know. Betraying you. It’s a… job. I know, I know. I’m not the one who… I’m not the one who’s on the receiving end. And I can’t change how you feel. I wouldn’t ask you to feel any other way.” He took a deep breath, closing his eyes. “I can see it. I’m sorry. I wish… I wish there was another way.”

He climbed into Orion’s lap, slowly, careful not to hurt him as he knees fell on either side of his torso. “I love you,” he said, softly. “Fucking hell. I love you. And I’ll always be yours.” Mulciber didn’t know what else to say at this point, so he figured he would do what he had always been better at. Kissing was his way of making up for what had happened; for making Orion see that he would have changed the world for them if he could.

Orion had spent his whole life feeling as if he was chasing after love and never quite getting enough. Always feeling as if the way others loved him was just slightly less that how he loved them; always feeling like he was falling short just a little. He had never quite had enough but he knew that the way Doug loved him was enough to fill up the empty spaces in his chest. It was enough to drown out every previous heartbreak. So, he believed him when he said he felt like he could move oceans with the way he felt because Orion felt the same way. “I know,” He had dreamed of this for so long, how was he supposed to cope when it was ripped away just as soon. There was a weight in his chest, something that was crushing his soul. He smiled, “Me too.”

Orion understood what he meant when he said it was business. Marriage had always been that within families like theirs but it had always been something more for Orion. Even if it was nothing more than an understanding, he would always see infidelity as a betrayal. “I just can’t watch you go home to someone else.” Not when he had always dreamt of them coming home to each other. He wouldn’t let their love be tainted like this. And he knew Doug understood, as much as he ever would. “I’m sorry as well,” he added quietly, sounding so resigned and so sad because there really was no other way.

He let him climb in his lap, immediately pulling him closer. There was no distance between them but he still always, always wanted to be closer to him. His lips curved in a smile at the words, “You know I do love hearing that,” he said softly, pretending for a moment that there were no strings attached to those words. That there wasn’t an end in sight. It was just him and the man he loved telling him the words he had longed for. “I love you,” he said softly as he kissed him back, one of his hands tangling in his hair and the other one resting on his hip, tugging him closer. They had often chosen this instead of talking as a way to resolve their differences but there was something desperate in the way Orion kissed him now, as if he was terrified of him slipping away. 

Ophelia fixed a pointed look on her big brother whether he met her gaze or not. While he might be able to ask questions, that wasn’t the case for her. She didn’t hesitate to ask what she needed to know know exactly the kind of man she as in bed with. Her brother was far better than her and that they’d always known, he chose to remain in blissful ignorance otherwise he wouldn’t be able to go on, she simply didn’t care as much. Or she hadn’t until things hit so close to home. That had been a wake up call for her, and she was still reeling from it. Unsure of how to go on from there on. The fact that she couldn’t simply make a clean break from Roe like she had with countless others a testament to how attached she’d become. “That’s because you refuse to face the truth, can you honestly say he tells you everything? That he wouldn’t do anything to hurt you, ever?” She asked, frustrated that he was likely headed toward heartbreak and he was ignoring all the signs. At least with her, she didn’t allow for her heart to broken, or so she thought. “That’s not true, I’m still very upset with him and have made that very clear to him.”

Orion wasn’t exactly brave. His usual way of coping was to run away, to close his eyes, to pretend everything was alright. It was how he had dealt with his parents’ disappointment throughout his childhood, by telling himself that they simply wanted the best for him. He had run away when faced by the crushing weight of his parents’ expectations after Hogwarts, had closed his eyes to the fact that he had a problem when he had overdosed. And now he refused to admit to himself what he knew was true about the man he had fallen in love with. He felt hysterical laughter bubbling up in his throat at her words. There was nothing funny about any of this. “He’s getting married, Lia-” he laughed but it sounded like he was choking on his own words, “And he didn’t tell me. Mother told me because she makes sure to repeat every engagement she reads about to me. So I know he doesn’t tell me everything. I know he’s going to hurt me-” he closed his eyes, “But he loves me.” His voice was suddenly quiet and broken, like sweeping glass, “I know he loves me. Can you say the same about Rodolphus?” He raised an eyebrow, “And, what, did he promise not to do it again?” He scoffed, “Or did he make excuses. Tell you he had no other choice? Surely, you know it’s not good enough. That you deserve more.” 

“You’re right I could,” she replied with a wistful little sigh before chuckling. The Rookwoods, separately and all together, got themselves in - and out of- plenty of trouble all the time. Her features fell and she smashed her lips to the side. “That’s the worst,” she replied, making a mental note to circle back to his sleeping habits later. She didn’t want to make him talk about anything if he didn’t want to, but she did want him to know that she was a great listener. She had a sneaking suspicion she knew what it was about anyway. Eyes danced around the room as she followed him to the living room. She offered a small smile. “Always nice to see you, Orion,” she agreed. He was a good friend, probably one of the best people she knew. She studied him for a moment before answering. “Both? I would settle for just a drink but I haven’t eaten since breakfast,” she admitted.

Orion shrugged, “Oh, you get used to it after a while.” He said brushing it off. Orion wasn’t exactly a fan of talking about himself. It was so much easier to focus on other people than himself. Orion didn’t like to complain, it always left a bad taste in his mouth; as if he was falling short in some essential way. He raised an eyebrow at her confession, “Alessia-” he shook his head disapprovingly at her eating habits, the big brother instinct in him kicking in. “You need to take care of yourself.” He pointed at the sofa, “Make yourself at home. I’ll be right back,” he said as he walked into the kitchen. Orion heated up dinner for her ( he wasn’t a chef by any means but his years of travelling alone had left him a somewhat decent cook ), grabbed two glasses and an unopened bottle of alcohol and made his way back over to her, placing the plate in front of her and topping off both of their glasses. 

Gideon had been planning on going home soon. He only had a few sips of his drink left, when he saw Orion walk into the bar. He wasn’t sure if the other man would approach him; if he was being honest, he didn’t really expect him to, and wouldn’t be offended if he didn’t. It was late anyhow. He smiled when the man offered to buy him a drink. “Are you going to join me?”

Orion wasn’t sure if he would call them friends. Some of their time together, he only remembered in flashes because of how insanely fucked up they had been but Orion did feel like there was some sort of understanding there that he didn’t get from most people. Perhaps he should have just gone home but Orion was desperate for company these days. “Why not?” He grinned, “It’s far better than drinking alone.” He gestured for their drinks before turning back to him, “How have you been. It’s been a while.” 

For someone who prided himself as being a friend to all, calling someone his best friend was no meaningless moniker. His siblings were parts of himself, and how he felt for Ophelia would always be so wholly unique from how he cared about anyone else, but Orion was the person he knew he could always turn to. Of course Orion had understood that he held his sister’s opinion in the highest regard; after all, how different were Orion and Ophelia in that aspect? “Ah, but where would we be without them?” A fond sigh and a joking lilt punctuated his words - he’d swear from the mountaintops that he’d be nowhere without Bea, and she’d probably agree. “Do you think we are getting old? Or are they simply growing more impatient?” For as long as he could remember, their parents had made no efforts to hide their desire for Ophelia and him to marry, but a decisive no at their last real push back around Bea’s wedding had stopped them, for a bit. Not anymore, it seemed. “Of course I do,” came Jean-Luc’s immediate response. Although he’d dated for love and knew his family would have let him settle down with anyone, had it worked out, he knew too that there was a very real possibility his own marriage would be arranged. Really, the pushing and prodding was still a preferable alternative. “When the time is right, though. Do you?” It seemed like the question of the hour. As much as this ridiculous war was not his war, he knew it was ravaging Orion’s home nonetheless, and he worked to drop the callousness he saved only for such a topic. “Hopefully it will end sooner rather than later.”.

“Oh, we would be absolutely lost,” the words were said with a laugh but they were still true. For him, he had only stopped feeling lonely within his own family when him and Lia had grown closer. There had always been distance between himself and their older brother and sure him and Ophelia hadn’t been able to stand each other until she had moved back to England but thinking of those years he had spent resenting her seemed so strange now; the fact that there had once been a time where when anything happened, his first thought wasn’t that he should tell his sister. “They think its about time we settle down and we’ve run out of plausible excuses,” he shrugged because his mother had set her eyes on finding a suitable wife for him ever since his brother had gotten married but her insistence was so much worse recently. “Of course - but for me the choice seems to be between a loveless marriage and losing my family,” they both knew that the Selwyns wouldn’t accept him if they knew that his interest had always lied with men. 

Orion looked down at the table for a moment before looking back again and attempting a small smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes. Both options were unacceptable to him - Orion had always held onto the hope of marrying someone he loved, wanted to spend the rest of his life with, as foolish as it seemed at times. The idea of it being a business transaction like so many arranged marriages were made him feel dirty. And as for his family, perhaps he shouldn’t care about people who would rather see him miserable rather accept him for who he was; after all, he knew he wouldn’t lose Ophelia or Jean-Luc or Bea but he still loved his parents despite everything. Had spend his life trying to meet their expectations and had always fallen short; he simply couldn’t unlearn that part of himself. “Besides the man I love is marrying someone else so-”  The words were out there and Orion followed them with a laugh but felt like he was choking on the words. They took such an ugly shape because for the past year, whenever Orion had thought of marriage he had thought of Doug, “Perhaps I should just give into my mother’s wishes.” Give her one less reason to be disappointed in him. He gestured to the barmaid for drinks because he needed one and if it was too early in the day to drink, at least he knew Jean-Luc wouldn’t judge him for it. Orion nodded, “We can only hope. It’s gone on for far too long already.”

She was worth waiting for, it was fine.  And it wasn’t as though Orion didn’t know she was going to be late – at least she was consistent.  If he had arrived on time that was more on him than it was on her; but either way, she was glad he was there.  This place probably wasn’t at all his scene, and she appreciated him giving it a try.  “Thanks for waiting,” she said eventually, trying to make it seem like she didn’t really care.  But she did appreciate it.

“It’s just an interesting vibe,” she clarified.  “and it makes for fantastic people watching.“  When he asked how her day was going she shrugged.  “Well.  I don’t have to work tonight, so that’s nice.  Otherwise it’s been completely uneventful.  What about you?”  She grabbed a menu.  There was a 90% chance she would order nachos, but maybe they changed their menu.

“It’s nothing,” he smiled before adding teasingly, “I’m used to it by now. Honestly, I should just learn and start coming fifteen minutes after the time we have decided.” Orion truly didn’t mind though. He always found himself looking forward to seeing Aila. He worried about her sometimes but knew she could handle herself just fine and she never failed to make him laugh.

“I trust you,” he grinned. It didn’t take much convincing to get Orion to try something new. He tended to get restless with routine which was one of the major reasons why he had never been able to get into his work, the other just being that it was all boring as fuck to him. At her comment about people watching, he scanned the room until his gaze landed on a couple that seemed to be arguing very passionately over a plate of fries. “What do you think about them?” He asked, leaning forward conspiratorially. “Well, I just came from work so the worst part of my day is already over,” he laughed. 

“This is why you’re my favourite. Don’t tell the others,” she teased, smile growing on her lips. The Selwyns were some of Bea’s favourite people in the whole world. They ranked below her siblings, but possibly above her husband. Not that she would ever admit that, but they were family too. They were like an extension of the Delacours, some of their oldest and dearest friends… and, well, maybe Bea would always harbour a small crush on Orion but who could blame her? She was quick to return the hug, still smiling. “Likewise. I feel like it’s been forever. How’s life treating you?”

“I think they already know, Bea,” he replied, shaking his head and grinning, “Jean-Luc was very upset about it the last time I saw him.” Orion had always felt a wall of separation between himself and his family (apart from Ophelia, obviously) but whenever he was with the Delacours, he had never once felt like he was anywhere except where he was supposed to be. At her question, his smile dropped slightly, not knowing exactly where or how to begin. Orion didn’t want to cloud their lunch by making it about himself. “Oh, you know, just more of the same,” he waved a hand dismissively, as they started to walk, “I’d much rather hear about how you’re doing. How are the kids?”

a man takes his sadness down the river and throws it in the river but then he’s still left with the river // a playlist for orion lycaeus selwyn

Orion adored the Delacours; all for different reasons. He might have been closer to the twins because they were closer in age but he definitely saw something of himself in Laurent; in the way he always seemed to be searching for more. He attended the games when he could both because he loved to see Laurent play and because he had just always loved Quidditch. “Good game,” he grinned when they finally caught up with each other after it was over. “Needless to say after that drinks are on you.”