Orghana, Daughter of the Steppes

There was a vast multitude in attendance. There were new teams this year, in some cases from very far away indeed. I do not know how the team from the moon is able to train for blitzball, as I am not aware of there being any oceans up there--not that I have ever been there! Perhaps soon there will be easier modes of transportation, and I will have the opportunity to visit. It must be a strange thing to look back and see our world from such a distance. I imagine it to be quiet and peaceful there, but empty. It might be too lonely to stay there for very long. It is easy enough to be lonely here, despite all the people!

The opening parade was one of the best I have ever witnessed, though perhaps I feel that way because it felt like we cheerleaders were more involved than we have been in the past. It was very noisy--so many fireworks! I envy those who have ears. They can easily wear earplugs to lessen the effect and avoid being startled, with none being the wiser. We Au Ra do not have such an easy way to diminish the sound.

As I said, I believe I made a couple mistakes, but hopefully I was able to hide them reasonably well. And with the ceremony's conclusion, the season shall begin! Even today, teams shall contest with one another to determine who shall be the champion. I do not partake that often in games of chance and such, so I do not know who the betting crowd thinks will win this year. I imagine the team from the moon faces an uphill battle, though, for is not gravity stronger here than there? I may be wrong about that. I will ask one of the science professors the next time I am at Silvergrace.

I sat in one of the back rows, in case there might be some pyrotechnics that would make me jump should I sit closer. Also, I think I was afraid someone would see me and react to my appearance. I am not sure why I am worried. Other people change their appearance quite often, and no one comments at all. No one spoke to me, however, so if anyone noticed me, I heard nothing of it.

Menphina Madness begins soon, and thus cheer rehearsals are beginning. I shall need to keep my energy up. It will be hard to be cheerful for such an extended time, I fear. But I will show no weakness. I shall not fail my brothers and sisters of cheer.

I have begun to think of performing again. I am finding myself drawn to different music lately, though. I am not sure if people will accept me singing more serious songs. Though I suppose it is arrogant of me to assume people remember my past performances. I shall not dwell on it.

I am writing this because I dare not say these things to anyone. My tribe would wonder what was wrong with me, and I would bring shame upon my family. I am Xaela, and Xaela must be strong.

We received word yesterday at the Bolir encampment that an abomination for which we have been searching was sighted near the Towering Still. My father split us up into several war bands, to spread out and approach the area from different directions, hoping to contain the beast should it try and escape.

I use the words abomination and beast, and I try to think of it as such . . . but it is difficult, for I know a thing that not all do. My father told me and my sisters, but he kept the knowledge from the rest of the tribe. As khan, it is his right to make such decisions, of course. He told us that he would reveal all to the tribe at a later time, but feared it would cause panic should the full truth be known now.

You see, this creature we sought was not always such a thing. Once, it was someone a knew well: the daughter of my mother's brother, my cousin. Something happened to her, and she changed into this rampaging monster. My father says it could happen to more people and that this is why he hid the whole truth, as the feelings of panic and hopelessness that might follow the revelation could trigger such changes. I bit my tongue and held back my own thoughts, but I believe the truth might help people to know what they face were it to be revealed to them carefully. But I am my father's daughter, and I obey.

In the end, it was I that spotted . . . her . . . and led my band to follow it. It entered a cave in the cliff wall, and we hesitated at the entrance. There was reluctance by many to enter the cave. Some counseled to wait for the other bands to arrive, others pointed out how cramped the cave was likely to be for a large number of warriors to enter. I decided to scout within and report back while the rest waited for the others.

The opening was narrow and wet with the blood left behind as she had forced her way through the opening. However, it opened up after a short distance, widening into a larger cave. There was little light, but I could hear breathing, and a reflected glint revealed eyes which had taken notice of me.

I will not write of what transpired next. I still live. What else need be said?

When I emerged and told my tale, there were cheers and congratulations, but I heard them as if they were far away, and set out for the camp, stopping only to bathe in the river and remove the stains of battle from my skin and clothing. The tribe celebrated a further cleansing of the Steppes that night and the scars I had earned in its service. I made a mask of my face and went through the motions.

I awoke in the middle of the night, thinking I had heard something. I left the yurt and went outside. I did not see anything, but when I looked down, the bloodstains on my arms had returned. My hands flew to my face . . . but then I could feel blood there as well, and dried blood in my hair.

I ran from camp and back to the river, and scrubbed myself clean. But when I got back to the yurt, it had come back again. I wrote a note, gathered a few things, and ran out into the night.

I found a spot for myself by the river, though Lambchop followed me, so I am not completely alone. I can't go back to my tribe and let them see me like this. The blood keeps coming back. Perhaps in time, it will stop. My hunting knife is very sharp, and I used it to cut off the bloody lengths of my hair, but when I look at my reflection, I still see it. There is a plant nearby which can dye things very dark. Perhaps it would make the blood hard to see.

Am I weak? Has the Dusk Mother turned her gaze from me? Can I still call myself Xaela?

First, there was an event for the Rising. I was only around 13 summers when the last calamity happened, and my home was not truly affected by the devastation elsewhere. But I have some sympathy for the loss involved, if not on the same scale, for fighting is known to all tribes on the Steppes, even the Bolir. My songs seemed to be well-received, so I was pleased, even though I felt slightly out of step in places.

Last night, I had several performances as part of the Fantasia concert. I was part of an opening pre-show, and then of course as part of the song where I was the "Swooning Woman." No one in the audience called out "I do not believe that girl is actually swooning," so in this sense I believe my performance was a success.

I performed later in the evening, and Mr. Jolieto assisted me to portray a puppet that I was trying to bring to life.

In this song, I had magical fairy abilities that would allow me to do this thing.

I believe that the audience enjoyed my song, even though I made a mistake at the end: I had a special effect arranged where I would disappear at the end, much like I appeared at the beginning, but it did not go off! And so, I had to just walk off the stage, which was far less magical. But hopefully the audience did not realize that I made a mistake. I am finding out, as I do more of these "acting" types of performances, that if you pretend what you just did was intentional, the audience does not know any better! This is most illuminating.

(Video kindly recorded by "that weird Allagan and his node")

I think I like this acting. I think perhaps I will see if there are any other acting opportunities at Silvergrace. It is perhaps selfish of me to spend time on such things, knowing that I should be concentrating on things which will benefit my tribe, as my parents intended. I should be focused on learning marketing and business, and not on these frivolous things that bring happiness only to me. Perhaps . . . perhaps the Dusk Mother's will has gone awry in some way where I am concerned. Perhaps I should have been born to one of the more spiritual tribes, like the Gharl, where my skills might have been more useful. The longer I stay in Eorzea, the more conflicted I become, and no one seems to understand. Though to be fair, I have not had the opportunity to speak with many on the subject. There is always so much to do, and seemingly in so little time. So many more important matters are taking place, after all, so what do the misgivings of one small Xaela matter?

The other performers all excelled last night as well. I must allow that even that empty-headed ninny (Dusk Mother forgive me for my harsh thoughts) did well, once she got her costume on (how hard is it to operate a zipper? If she spent less time combing her hair, she would have learned this skill). I enjoyed all of the songs and dances! I felt humbled to be on the same stage as these others who have so much talent.

Miss Yura is the other swooning woman, and she also felt at a loss in how to portray such a thing. She asked the director, and I lent my own voice to this request. The director asked us if we had ever been "head over heels" or some such thing. Apparently, the man in this play is meant to be such an amazing person that others all want him for themselves. Well . . . I have never felt such a thing, and I believe Miss Yura is in the same situation. This was vexing.

The director allowed the girl playing the main role to demonstrate swooning for us. It is most silly. I have never seen a Xaela do such a thing. Who would want someone who goes weak in the knees whenever they see you? It seems rather a sign of weakness to me, and this is not a thing we Xaela respect. We are a more direct people, in any case. Though I have never been pursued, nor ever felt the need to pursue another, I imagine it is a simple thing to simply walk up to someone and explain yourself. Yes? Though, when I think of my sisters . . . hmm . . . perhaps it is more complicated. Luckily I needn't worry much about these things. As they are all older than me, it is likely they shall pursue matches for all 5 of them before concerning themselves with me. And a match with the 6th daughter, even if it is of a khan, is not much of match to pursue. Is this not why I was so easily sent to Eorzea?

But I digress. I decided to simply copy the girl's demonstration, and advised Miss Yura to do the same. But at this point, I must admit to a secret shame.

It is my way to be tolerant of others, and perhaps even more so in Eorzea, for people often assume the worst of Xaela, and I feel I must show them that we are not all as bloodthirsty as they fear. But . . . at this rehearsal, I met someone for whom my tolerance was pushed to its limit. It is the very girl who demonstrated the swooning. Though it was most clear that the director favored this girl . . . she . . . she . . . infuriated me! She had very nice hair, as nice as Mr. Pierce's hair perhaps, but then she told us it was so nice because she combed it 300 TIMES each day. And, to make matters worse, she does not do the combing herself, she has two maids to do it for her! This is shameful, to be so lazy that one cannot maintain basic hygiene without assistance. After she said that, I noticed more and more little things that annoyed me, such as the way she tossed her head at one moment, and they way she seemed to feel above those around her. And the way she treated our khan, Miss Cassi, was so dismissive that I cannot believe she did not issue a challenge for it. I would have stood as her second in an instant. In fact, I left her a small token of my support outside her room, though I am not sure she ever received it as she has not responded. I should probably have delivered it in person, but I had to hurry back to the Lamb for something at the time.

You may be asking yourself as you read this, why would you feel shame for supporting your leader thus? It is this: I discovered that this empty-headed person is related to Miss Vivien. Miss Vivien is my sister of cheer, and I feel great guilt that I should this enmity for one of her blood. I do now know what to do with myself!

Classes have begun at the Silvergrace Academy. The day was a mass of confusing experiences. It is clear that the time that I spend there will be much different than what my life is like outside.

To begin with, the classes are different. We have desks. When the missionary taught us back in Reunion, we sat with our legs crossed upon the ground, much as we often do in our yurts. We shared small chalkboards with a neighbor, as the missionary did not have enough for each of us to have our own. Also, we had students of all ages in the same class, whereas at Silvergrace we are split up according to our progress. I do hope I am able to keep up with my peers, for I do not know if I have learned all of the things they have learned up until now.

We were asked to present project proposals, and this was a thing that I did not come prepared to do. Mr. Nivaar presented a proposal to help refugees from the current hostilities. This was a proposal that met with some opposition, but I myself think it a good thing to help those who have been displaced by a war they themselves did not seek out. There was another proposal to repair shrines and temples that had fallen into disrepair, and though I did not know this student as well, I sympathize with this goal as well. I was moved to present my concerns about what is happening in Thanalan, where the ceruleum mining is causing so much damage to the land. We Xaela are dependent on the land, the water, and the air to live, and we live in harmony with it, even if harmony between our tribes is often in short supply. I fear to see the spreading of such wanton destruction, and hope to find a way to convince these companies to adopt more thoughtful practices. It seemed that some thought my idea good, but others think me naive and feel that the Syndicate can never be convinced to change their ways. Perhaps I am, but I am the Dusk Mother's to command, and I will do my best to defend the world they have place us upon.

Lambchop is not happy with being penned during the day, I think. She is used to being able to roam freely. However, she does seem to get on well with the other animals. I am not sure if the agriculture teacher has ever had a sheep of her breed to care for in the past. I would offer my assistance, but I fear my input might be thought an insult, so I remain silent for the moment.

The other students are a motley mix. They are all very casual with one another, and with me. I am not offended by this, but it is an adjustment. At home, one does not use another's first name without invitation, and usually such an invitation is followed by the sharing of kumis. I cannot share kumis with these students, as I think we are not allowed to have alcohol on campus, and some of these students are too young to be allowed a cup in any case. Kumis has only a small amount, and you would have to drink a great deal of it indeed to feel any effects, but the law is the law. Also, Eorzean palates do not always appreciate kumis. What a Xaela views as a basic form of courtesy may be considered culinary crime in Eorzea.

I am not sure what it will be like to share a room with others, in particular others who are not related to me. Of course, on the Steppes, the family yurt was quite crowded, but I imagine what is acceptable among family members could be troublesome for those assigned to the same room with me. I shall need to discover what is and is not allowed.

It will be a period of adjustment, I think, although I am sure that I will still be sleeping at the Lamb often, and even on occasion staying in my yurt outside of Shirogane when I must travel there for business.

The term for this in Shirogane is something pronounced "care-eee-o-kee," which I have heard on occasion when passing through the city. I guess it means singing. At any rate, I decided on an Eorzean song I had heard and planned to sing it, rather than something from home, as I did not know how many students would appreciate that kind of music.

I was pleased to see some other students from the east besides me, though there were no other Xaela present. There was an Au Ra girl I sat near who I fear I may have offended, for I began to speak more as I started to relax, and I may have expressed an opinion of which she did not approve. I must be more careful to avoid alienating anyone. But some of the cheer folk were there as well, which was a blessing.

There were many names all at once, and this was difficult. Still, in conversation it seemed as though there might actually be students at Silvergrace who do not fear to wrestle a Xaela. This is good, for my skills have become stagnant, and if I return home for a visit, my sisters will surely pin me incessantly.

I believe my song was well-received, and I certainly enjoyed the many different songs I heard. Such a variety of music! The party reminded me of a place in Reunion where young Xaela will sometimes gather to share kumis and song, though the music was different.

They have many groups at Silvergrace, apparently, which are called clubs. As best I can tell, these are small tribes within the larger tribe of Silvergrace--much as the Bolir are a tribe of Xaela. I doubt these "clubs" contend with one another like Xaela, however, for that would seem at odds with the rules in the student handbook.