Order Zerum

Well, everyone, it's finally happened. The end of Discord Whooves has occurred so now I can talk about what Zerum is and where he was going.

I've said in the past that Zerum's timeline runs parallel to Discord Whooves' timeline, meaning both exist at the same time. And by this I mean events in Discord Whooves line up to the various things that happen to Zerum, starting from the start of both blogs. How this is happening?

Well, Zerum is supposed to be the discord curse in the Doctor's head. He's a literal virus infecting the Doctor's mind, planted there to keep him captive to Discord's influence. The ways you can line up events is through 4 various types of events.

1: Sex. Most of the times that sex occurs, is when The Doctor is overcome by his lust and goes on various sexapades. This doesn't ALWAYS line up, but it does for sure whenever Discord shows up for it.

2: The Light. The light occurs any time The Doctor becomes his old self, undiscorded. It's the glimpses of hope that we get that he's still there, deep down, and the light is a threat to Zerum because if the light stays on, the virus gets destroyed along with Discord's influence. The light's appearance remains consistent with the Doctor's blog, so this is the best way to keep track of where Zerum is in The Doctor's story. I was planning for the light to manifest as a cute creature so people would try to defend it which would ultimately cause more harm to Zerum because the light is basically antibodies.

Eventually the light was going to get so bad that it nearly kills Zerum, during the time that Twilight and Minuette helped the Doctor. Discord seems to have abandoned him but really he can't get in his head during that time.

3: The baby nightmares. These nightmares happen any time Hyde becomes active in The Doctor, and eventually the 'baby' who is actually The Valeyard breaks free of Zerum and escapes the mind prison.

4: Perry Doctor. After the point where Perry appears in Discord Whooves, any time The Doctor is sleeping Perry travels into his mind to interact with Zerum. Perry is a dream traveler, which is why he is able to do this.

Also, there is a reason Perry was able to reach him. Perry travels through the dreams of various ponies and beings, he is a dream traveler rather than a space/time traveler. He found Zerum by visiting his old self's dream, because Zerum is in Dissy's mind.

How was the blog supposed to end?

Eventually, Zerum was going to be able to be convinced to fight Discord when the light shows up and weakens him, and he manages to kill Discord. The event that causes him to have his change of mind is when Discord disguises himself as Perry and attempts to destroy their relationship after he discovered it. But Zerum manages to figure out it's not Perry, and Discord reveals himself. That's when the light returns and Zerum is able to kill him.

Of course, he's accepted that he'll die with Discord, and is ready to accept his fate... but Perry found a way to materialize a TARDIS in The Doctor's mind and rescue Zerum before it's too late.

Zerum is then brought into Perry's dreamscape, where he slowly learns to recover and gain a sense of self worth.

Zerum's cutie mark was going to change to represent his newfound freedom and the self love that he found with Perry's help.

So there you have it, you now know what Zerum's whole deal was, and where the story was meant to go.

This blog was extremely personal to me, and was an exploration of the trauma I had obtained from past abuse, both sexual and mental from horrible people in my past. For a long time I had unmedicated PTSD so this was the best way I could find to cope. The blog was meant to be shocking and to manipulate people into saying and requesting horrible things to feed into the abuse and put people in the place of the abuser, or those trying to help the abused. I'm happy to say while it started out pretty awful, after a while people were much more kind and wanting to help. It started from a very basic hypnosis kink idea, but then I got to wondering why it was a kink and if it was okay to be one. The blog itself wasn't meant as me being kinky, but me exploring 'why does this make me feel this way', and I was able to come to the conclusion that many abuse survivors have these kind of kinks because it gives them a sense of control in something they lost control over in the past. It's a safe way to explore a traumatizing experience, and their own way of having consent in exposing themselves to it. A lot of people assume people are getting turned on by the idea of being abusive, when in actuality most of us are putting ourselves in the victim's role. These are complex feelings but it gives us autonomy over our experiences. It doesn't mean we're turned on by being victims, or that we enjoyed what happened to us. It just means we want to have control over when we feel submissive and vulnerable. We're not 'sick fucks' who get turned on by the suffering of others, most of us would never want anyone to experience what we went through. But we want a safe space to come to terms with our feelings, to feel power in exploring a fantasy situation of powerlessness. This is a process that we need to cope with trauma, and it doesn't hurt anyone but the fictional characters we put ourselves into.

That said, I will be deleting all the posts of this blog besides this one, because it is much to sensitive to me and I've closed that chapter in my life. I don't want this series to be easily found or associated with my original works, so it's time to say goodbye to Zerum. I will leave the posts up for a month so people can read and see all the clues and how the story lines up with Discord Whooves, but after a month is up I will delete the rest of the blog and leave this post in its place.

Personal Note: If you're feeling pressured over who you should and shouldn't have as friends because of one person's reactions, you may need to step back and consider that, be it lover or friend, that person may be displaying abusive behavior.

You should be able to judge people on your own terms, not from someone else who makes you feel terrible for having friends they don't approve of. It's one thing if you're hanging out with a bad crowd and people are worrying, but it's entirely different if it's simply jealousy or the other person simply not liking the people you want to be friends with.

Just remember that. You have your own mind, you have a right to be friends with the people you enjoy being around, and if you're feeling intimidated or scared to make connections because of someone else, it's not healthy.

Another note: This controlling behavior displayed by others is often caused by insecurity. So be aware that while the behavior is abusive, the person displaying the behavior may not have any sort of malice in mind. But their thought process, control, and paranoia needs to be addressed as soon as possible.

It's not just anger you need to be weary of. They can become upset, cry, threaten suicide, try to force you to choose between them or other people, overall any reaction that is undesirable and makes you question whom you associate with should be treated as unhealthy behavior.

Friendship and relationships, first and foremost, are about trust. They need to trust and respect you, and you need to be able to trust them. Being forced to keep friends and associates secret is never something you should have to do.

A man wraps himself in a shell, making a new man. But the shell is strong and feels safe, so the man believes it to be his true self. He loves being this shell and believes in actuality that with it, he is whole.

But then another man sees him. He grabs hold of him, sliding a knife across his body. Gently, carefully, slowly. Peeling the shell open, reaching deep inside until he grabs hold of the tiny, scared, weak being that's hiding inside. He pulls him by the hand in to the blinding light of the world, tugging him out of the sludge that he'd been living in, and says “This is who you are and you can't be whole in a shell that doesn't suit you.”

The other man then presents pieces that the weak one has never seen before, and he says “This is who you're meant to be. Put these on and you'll be happy.”

So the scared man agrees, because he was exposed and didn't want to feel naked. He put on the pieces, little by little, and it seemed to make things better bit by bit.

But he kept looking back at the broken shell from before, because he remembered feeling safe and happy. Even though that happiness was a lie that he created, he longed for it. But the other held him in his arms, and that safe feeling was also there and each time he was held he was given a new piece.

And while the new pieces hurt and didn't seem to fit, they were the truth and the truth is what he was meant to be.

He keeps putting on the pieces as they are given to him, because eventually when they are whole, he'll be truly happy.

Now the old shell is out of sight. Almost out of memory.

But the new one is a shell too.

Or was the weakness a shell?

I imagined him shattering himself. Bit by bit. Each new piece causing cracks, each new piece grinding the old shell to dust. Nothing left but the new shell.

I wonder, was the old shell just skin?

By now it must have rotted away.

There's nothing to fit any more.

Personal Note:

I think back then, deep down inside, there was a part of me that hated me more than anything for locking it up. That part of me that talked to me in the middle of the night, that part that made me cry alone without knowing why, and the part that almost lead me to considering suicide at one point.

It’s just sheer panic

feeling like a disappointment, feeling like a screw up

It’s not his fault, it’s mine, it’s my fault, if I wasn’t so weak I wouldn’t keep screwing up

I didn’t mean to make him look bad, I don’t mean to be afraid of him, I didn’t mean it, I swear I didn’t mean it and I didn’t mean to break the rules and I didn’t mean to keep secrets

I’m so sorry I have to hide, I should be honest, that’s what you should do when you love someone, be honest, right?

And yet I’m too scared to tell the truth and it’s my own fault because I’m stupid for being afraid of him when I really shouldn’t be

Why am I so weak?

[[Personal Note:

The things that used to go through my mind nearly every day. Nearly every time I woke up late, or was out longer than I promised, or the many times I lied and said I was going to bed when really I just wanted to get away and have time to myself. I used to feel so guilty over every moment I wasn’t with him because he made me feel that way, like people who loved each other had to be in contact all the time, always do everything together, always know where the other person was all the time, and I always thought it was my fault back then.

Personal Note:

One of the most confusing thing to people is why someone being abused doesn't ask for help. Or worse, flat out rejects it.

There are a lot of reasons. And I'm sure everyone is different on their reason why.

Some people feel they can't be helped.

Others feel that they don't need it, being unaware of how much a situation could be unhealthy for them.

And other times, people fear they would be using the other person and they don't want to feel like that person is wasting their efforts on a lost cause.

Just... Be patient with us.

Be understanding and be gentle. Don't scold us or throw our problems in to our faces, don't push. It's horrifying and it's likely that you will make someone retreat further away in doing that.

The best thing to do is to just show us there is something better. Show what a true friend is, show that life isn't always the way we think and maybe over time we'll begin to realize that.

Personal note: I think one of the biggest warning flags to abuse is the utter fear of disappointing the abuser. Parent or spouse or even friend, this is not a healthy feeling. I have come to realize there is a vast difference between not wanting to disappoint someone, and being terrified of disappointing them.

If you find yourself being scared of making your loved one angry or suicidal even over the slightest of mistakes... It might be a good idea to try and really look at the situation and figure out who is really in the wrong.

I used to be scared of so many things. Scared of waking up late, scared of forgetting my phone when I went out, scared of hanging out with the wrong person... I practically had to ask permission to go anywhere at any point. For 3 years of my life there was never a moment where he didn't know where I was, and I had no idea how horrible that actually was because I tricked myself in to thinking he was 'just worried about me'. It got so bad that I actually had to make a secret life for myself, pretend I was asleep while I escaped to another messenger, claim I was going to the store when I wanted to see a friend... Because any moment I was awake and at home, I was his, with only sleep and bathroom as permitted reasons to leave, and those were 'timed'.

....After a while though, even the privacy of bathroom was taken away from me.

Personal note: I'm not entirely sure how to fully put this in to words, but I'll try.

When I was trapped in my abuse, I felt very disconnected from others. And one reason was because I felt ashamed of myself. Ashamed of what they would see of me, of what little I had to offer. I felt like I was dirty, somehow, and as much as I wanted to reach out and have friends, I felt too ashamed of myself to open up to others.

((Had a guest artist for this set: http://showtimewithwhooves.tumblr.com/ ))

Personal note: I used to be afraid of hugs. I was so scared of being hurt that I locked up any time anyone hugged me. I didn't know what was real or not, who cared and who was pretend, or even if hugs had any meaning any more.

If you know someone who is in an abusive relationship, it is vital to show them that you are their friend and that they can trust you. If you intimidate them too much by trying to push them past their comfort levels, you very well may cause them to avoid you or not take your word seriously when you express concern for them.

I'm starting to add more to the help page, but I want to put this here as well so people can see it and perhaps understand a few things if they may be finding themselves in an abusive relationship.

If you’re hoping your abusive partner will change... The abuse will probably happen again. Abusers have deep emotional and psychological problems. While change is not impossible, it isn’t quick or easy. And change can only happen once your abuser takes full responsibility for his behavior, seeks professional treatment, and stops blaming you, his unhappy childhood, stress, work, his drinking, or his temper.

If you believe you can help your abuser... It’s only natural that you want to help your partner. You may think you’re the only one who understands him or that it’s your responsibility to fix his problems. But the truth is that by staying and accepting repeated abuse, you’re reinforcing and enabling the abusive behavior. Instead of helping your abuser, you’re perpetuating the problem.

If your partner has promised to stop the abuse... When facing consequences,abusers often plead for another chance, beg for forgiveness, and promise to change. They may even mean what they say in the moment, but their true goal is to stay in control and keep you from leaving. But most of the time, they quickly return to their abusive behavior once they’ve been forgiven and they’re no longer worried that you’ll leave.

If your partner is in counseling or a program for batterers... Even if your partner is in counseling, there is no guarantee that he’ll change. Many abusers who go through counseling continue to be violent, abusive, and controlling. If your partner has stopped minimizing the problem or making excuses, that’s a good sign. But you still need to make your decision based on who he is now, not the man you hope he will become.

If you’re worried about what will happen if you leave... You may be afraid of what your abusive partner will do, where you’ll go, or how you’ll support yourself or your children. But don’t let fear of the unknown keep you in a dangerous, unhealthy situation.

((Drawn in pencil because I don't have a tablet right now))

Personal note: Sometimes the fear of disappointing a person can be extremely overwhelming, especially if they have an abusive personality. You don't think their reactions are over the top, instead you think your mistakes are the cause of the outbursts and that it was you to blame, not the one getting angry. And then it couples with convincing yourself that you're a burden to that person, especially when they give claims that they do everything for you and say how hard it is.

As another note. Just letting everyone know, because I think this is important: A long-distance relationship can be abusive too. Just because you might not be getting physically abused does not mean you can't be mentally abused. And mental abuse can leave some very deep emotional scars. Don't disregard this fact. Your feelings are a part of you.