OpenVisionZ.com is a adult humor blog filled with a comedic point of view, goofy imaginative ridiculous life stories and random funny nonsense
OpenVisionZ Blog #13 - The Story of the 13 Year Old Assassin
Classic Wrestling Matches
Last night Farts got extremely drunk and started throwing Texas Clover Leafs, and Facebusters on his furniture unaware of operation "Gas Mask" the Chinese Triads assassination attempt on the malodorous Ex Pro Amatuer Wrestling Phenom - Roarin Farts McGuilliman
Roarin Farts was walking home from his favorite restaurant, Chinks Lee All You Can Eat Chinese Buffet in Brooklyn, New York, he loved the cheesy stuffed Chinese burrito pockets and all you can smother hummus dip
they had and always ranted about how clean and well kept their restrooms were. Roarin Farts decided to grab a 30 racker of his preferred drink of choice, True Ice Beer, at One Eyes Beer & Spirits before heading home. Farts stepped into his apartment, plopped himself on the couch, popped in old VHS tapes
of his most classic wrestling matches
, and pushed out a giant fart while cracking a beer. When he got to the Cage and Rage Mania Match held at The Omaha Meat Grinder, he was elbow dropping couch cushions, as the matches went on, the more Roarin Farts would drink and reminisce of how he could finish a bum wrestlers career at anytime performing high flying dare devil signature moves like the Flying 360 Brown Eye Buttock Drop and the Flying Mouth Shart. Farts put in the last VHS tape
of his classic wrestling match box set, The Cage and Rage Matches from Hell Vol 5, the legendary match between Thick "Tuna Can Dick" Turner and him started playing, Roarin Farts began slurring out old wrestling taunts at his TV with frustration, he screamed out "Sharts in Yo Mouth Bitch" while throwing a sloppy arm bar and all of a sudden as if Thick "Tuna Can Dick" Turner was sprawled out on his living room floor, Farts climbed his coffee table and full of remiss leaped off attempting to pull off a high Flying 360 Brown Eye Buttock Drop, failing horribly and hitting his head on the end table knocking him out until the next day.
The next day, Roarin Farts woke up and reached over to grab a warm, flat, half empty can of True Ice Beer, after drinking it he chased it with the last drag of a cigarette butt he found from under the flipped over ashtray on the floor. He sat up and belched out the word "Mouth Farts" then stood up to see the mess he made, flashbacks of last nights imprudent behavior started running threw his head, he looked over towards his closet and the door was wide open, he squinted his eyes to see a little body sprawled out next to his closet, he thought to himself I hope I didn't call Lin's Escort Service for another Lady Boy midget again, but then remembered he was blackballed from Lin's and pretty much all of the escort
services for paying with stolen credit cards.
Farts had no idea who or why there was a 4 foot person face down on his floor, he stumbled over to the closet with a half limp stiffy and a half ass buzz to see who the vertically challenged suspicious unknown lifeless body was and began to poke at the little body with a broken selfie stick
, Roarin Farts mumbled "hey wake up it's time go party's over", he got no response from the person, he gave another poke and said aloud "hey get up you gotta go", still nothing. Roarin Farts knelt down and noticed that the little person was wearing a all black judogi
tucked into a black belt and for some reason they had a purple bandanna over their mouth and face. Farts was flummoxed.
Roarin farts anxious and bemused, tried to put together what he did last night that would have involved little ninja's but all he could remember was watching his classic wrestling match
with the ferocious 7'5 "Japanese Tornado" Swung Lo Hoggins in the 1987 International Wrestling Federation of Amateur Wrestlers "Royal Blood Battle" on VHS
. Roarin Farts McGuilliman was bewildered as to why there was a what seemed to be dead ninja midget on the floor of his apartment. Roarin Farts reached over and pulled the bandanna up, it was a 13 year old boy. Farts gasped then let a leaky fart slide out, at first he thought that maybe he invited one of the neighborhood kids over to play wrestling games
and a horrible accident happened, but then realized that the neighborhood he lived on had no families just users and losers, no kids just hookers and dope dealers, and definitely no mini ninjas just pushers and pimps, then he thought that maybe the neighborhood pimps may have started a child sex ring but the main pimp in the area was Long Dick Chappy, he ran the trade on vagina and was only in the business of selling snatch from older woman, grown men, and some animals. Farts knew Chappy would never deal with children and especially little ninja boys. He started digging around the boy for identification and came across a piece of paper which had his address and the words "operation gas-mask" written on it.
Roarin Farts started to fart out of shear nervousness he had to put 2 and 2 together, he thought that maybe this kid was one of his illegitimates conceived during his illustrious pro amateur wrestling career, so he tried to look for recognizable facial features, he propped the dead ninja kid up and turned his face to the light to get a better look, then noticed that this kid was covered in scars and had cross-hairs tattooed on his neck and a tear drop tattoo under his eye. Roarin Farts had a bad feeling about the situation, last nights hangover started to wear off as did the half limp stiffy, he started to wonder what kind of kid runs around a neighborhood with neck tattoos, and Chinese ninja sai's
then it became clear that the kid laying on his floor was not one of his illegitimate children, nor a neighborhood hoodlum. Farts came to the conclusion that "operation gas mask" was a sepc ops assassination contract put out by the Chinese Triads
to eliminate the gas.
Farts ran to the phone and started to dial his old wrestling manager, Mr. Bob Bickles whom he thought could give him some answers, he got a busy signal followed by "sorry this number is disconnected repeated by please try your call again.
Farts was confused he tried to dial the number again but it was followed by the same busy signal and message, he knew something wasn't right, Mr. Bob Bickles was retired from the wrestling business and only left his house to hit the XXX Peep Shows
around Brooklyn. Roarin Farts started to fart out of fear, he had a bad feeling about why Mr. Bob Bickles wasn't answering the phone, and it became clear as day that the Triads
were out to cut the cheese. Roarin Farts grabbed his Polaroid
and snapped a picture of the 13 year old assassins face and immediately called the only pimp who still gave him credit on hoes, Long Dick Chappy, the loquacious pimp. Long Dick answered the phone, "Fuck is this" - Roarin Farts, "It's Farts I got a dilemma Chappy" - he explained that he woke up with a 13 year old ninja assassin on his floor dead, and that he had a feeling the Triads are involved and possibly got to Mr. Bob Bickles because his phone isn't working. Long Dick Chappy said, "Dont worry Farts I got that LD, Get to my office baby, take it easy like a mac makes em sleazy, keep your cool like a pimp gets em wet by the pool, papa keep it smooth, relax I got you" Long Dick knew how the Triads liked to operate, he's dealt with the Triads a few times and has also defeated a few assassination attempts from crime organizations, like the Guyanese Mafia, the Nigerian Organized Crime Organization, The Spanish Smuggling Association and others, Long Dicks worst enemy was the Triads, he knew that Roarin Farts or Mr. Bob Bickles must have disrespected the Triads in a horrible unforgettable way or they would not have sent the 13 Year Old Assassin.
The Tale Of The 13 Year Old Assassin
Triads Grand Master Leader - Ghou Han Zhen
The 13 year old assassin was a ancient Chinese myth that has only been rumors in the streets, Long Dick Chappy knew that Roarin Farts was in trouble but had to make a plan to get him to safety. Farts arrives at Long Dicks office, white as a ghost, shaking, trembling, and bursting out little poots as he stood at the door way. Long Dick Chappy invited him in and locked the door behind him then began to ask Farts if anyone followed him, Farts said, "no," Chappy began telling the tale of the 13 year old assassin, and how he doesn't appear for no reason, and that the little ninja dead on the floor back at the apartment was not the only 13 year old ninja assassin, that there will be more 13 year old assassins that will make more assassination attempts. Chappy went on to say that The 13 Year Old Assassin is a old Chinese tale from the Ming Dynasty
, it involves triad ghost warriors created by Pakistani voodoo witch doctors who had teamed up with the Triads Grand Master Ghou Han Zhen back in the day to eliminate Japanese Yakuza
Pirates. It all started when Triads Grand Masters 13 year old son, Qou Han Zhen, was on a fishing excursion, the vessel he was on was hijacked by Japanese Pirates who sold children to a Philippine child labor group and executed the rest of the fishing crew older than 13.
The Triads Grand Master Leader, Ghou Han Zhen, received the news of his sons capture and had a plan to buy back his son from the Filipino Child Labor Group, he agreed to a large amount of gold to be delivered to the Spratly Islands off the south coast of China in exchange for his son, The Spratly Islands were secretly occupied by the Japanese Yakuza
, they were using the islands as a pirate recruitment base, but the Triads had known that Yakuza Pirates were occupying these islands because of a trade deals involving opium for hummus with Pakistani witch doctors, the witch doctors gave reports of flat faced pirates being seen in and around the south coast to the Triads who kept close tabs on the Yakuza pirates, as a way to keep friends close but enemies closer tactic. So the Triads Grand Master Leader, Ghou Han Zhen, proposed a deal with the Pakastani witch doctors to make a voodoo potion weapon, but in exchange for the potion the witch doctors wanted perform voodoo, a spell would be performed on all of the Triads 13 year old children, they would be immortalized. Grand Master Leader, Ghou Han Zhen agreed to the deal with the Pakastani Witch Doctors for 2 reasons, it would aide of the rescue of his son and make trade safe on the south coast again, eliminating the threat of Yakuza Pirates. The Pakistani Witch Doctors made a poisonous gas tincture of hummus
and curry that the Triads would hide in the chest of gold, Grand Master Leader Ghou knew that Yakuza Pirates would attempt hijack the shipment, and when the Yakuza
Pirates opened the chest, it would trigger the release of the poisonous gas which will knock out the pirates, allowing the Triads to capture them, then the Triads would be able to slaughter the Filipinos because they would not have the Yakuza Pirates as back up. The plan worked, the Triads were able to defeat the Yakuza Pirates all while regaining control of the Spartly Islands and rescuing the Baby Triad Emperor, "Qou Han Zhen", from the Filipino Child Labor Group who the Triads
captured and sold into slavery in Indonesia.
After the rescue, Triads Grand Master Leader, Ghou Han Zhen, allowed the Pakistani voodoo witch doctors to cast a voodoo curse spell on 13 children of the Grand Masters choice. The voodoo spell meant to immortalize the 13 children gave Ghou Han Zhen a advantageous opportunity for the Triads Organization. Ghou Han Zhen chose to make a crew of immortal child warrior ninja assassins, training the immortalized children in the art of war, and building the temple of the 13 Year Old Ninja on the Spartly Islands. The children were trained in all aspects of hand to hand combat and combat weaponry, it resulted in a army of 13 year old Ninjas that were eventually sent to eliminate the worlds Child Labor Organizations. Legend has it that the immortalized children of the Triads still occupy the Spartly Islands, and that the Triads have used them to their advantage to grow the organization to be the most notorious gang the world has ever seen.
Now that Long Dick explained the story of the 13 year old assassin, Roarin Farts started to remember that back in his preeminent wrestling career, Mr. Bob Bickles scheduled a lot of mid tier amateur wrestling matches in japan, Mr. Bickles would talk about some deal he had with this Chinese company to sponsor wrestling matches, and that they imported hummus
and owned a bunch of child day care services in and around China. One day after Roarin Farts winning one of the wrestling matches, Mr. Bickles seemed very distraught and warned Roarin Farts never to eat hummus in a Asian restaurant after dark, but Farts didn't pay no mind to the statement by Mr. Bickles about eating hummus after dark and thought he was just getting old.
Long Dick Chappy started getting a weird feeling and then there was a knock on the door, he gestured to Farts to be quiet and tiptoed to the door and looked through the peep hole but no one was there, he opened the door and there was a big heaping bowl of hummus
with a severed human hand on top holding a note, the note had the words "operation gas mask" written in red crayon. Long Dick knew he had issues, he started to go for his gun safe but then realized that if the Triads knew Farts was here, they must have already booby trapped the gun safe and probably are watching them right now.
Long Dick looked over at Farts and said, "yo, we got a problem, The triads know where we are and we have to get out of here now big daddy smelly legs", he showed Farts the bowl of hummus
and the severed hand, Farts blew a fearful fart and said, "I know those fingers man, thats Mr. Bickles hand!! What the fuck they killed Mr. Bickles Long Dick, they killed Mr. Bob fucking Bickles!! What are we gonna do?" Dick Chappy reached for his secret throw away emergency phone and called his bottom bitch, "Olivia Le'Avenem Limp", aka "The Lil Babushka", LD explained the problem and told her to reach out to the Russians for some back up, then to meet him in Brooklyn, at the hand job spot under the subway tracks. The Lil Babushka was a Ex-Professional Russian Bear Jockey who was not intimidated by anyone, especially the little dicked Chinese Triads. She decided that she would not reach out to the Russians, and handle this business with her bare hands. She hopped in a taxi and headed towards Brooklyn.
Chappy asked how Roarin Farts killed the Ninja that was at his apartment and Farts insisted that he didn't, he said he woke up and the 13 Year Old Ninja was on the floor dead with a bandanna over his mouth. Chappy thought about the old Chinese tale and how the Triads defeated the Yakuza pirates with a Pakistani Voodoo Stink bomb
, he asked Farts if he sleeps with windows open, Farts said, "no, I don't even have windows" Then Farts made a couple fart snappers, tight poppers, packed with a cheesy redolence, Long Dick took a sniff then asked Farts, "what in the hell did you eat, you bad mah fucker," Farts told him that he had been drinking True Ice Beer and ate at Chinks Lee All You Can Eat Chinese Buffet in Brooklyn he had Cheese Stuffed Chinese Burrito Pockets, and how that they have the best Cheesy Stuffed Chinese Burrito Pockets but when he goes heavy on the hummus dip, it gives him horrible, cloying flatulence. Then a light bulb went off in Dicks head, he knew Roarin Farts must have filled the little apartment with Cheesy Burrito Beer Farts while knocked out on the floor, when the 13 Year Old Assassin entered the apartment unbeknownst to the miasma of Roarin Farts' deadly cheesy hummus farts, he got overwhelmed with the fetor stench of cheesy beer hummus
fart gas and passed out, then from the lack of oxygen to his little tiny lungs, and the fact that Farts had no ventilation, the prolonged exposure to cheesy farts the mini ninja in a stench coma!! Roarin Farts was in denial, he insisted his farts could never kill anyone but Long Dick knew that was the only thing that made sense. Long Dick grabbed the keys to his Big Dick Caddy Car and told Roarin Farts, "Lets go! We gots to meet that Lil Babushka at the hand job spot in Brooklyn".
They slowly opened the door, Chappy sticks his head out and looks down the hallway and then said, "The coast is clear Baby Boofs", they quickly ran for the elevator but it had a out of order sign on it, Farts let a tiny little fart out and Chappy said, "Ain't that a bitch". Then they notice a small black figure walking towards them slowly, Farts shouts out "Chappy, That's the mini ninja kid!!". Long Dick reached into his pocket and pulled out a lighter, he tells Farts, "Bend over and get ready to rip if this little Chinese ninja punk ass kid gets any closer!" Farts dropped his pants, spreads his cheeks, and bent over aiming his brown eye directly at the little ninja. The 13 year old ninja stopped, laughed, and threw a smoke bomb
on the floor then disappeared very mysteriously. While bent over, Farts was looking at a big open window at the end of the hall, he said, " LD, there's a window" Chappy and Farts started to run towards end of the hall, Chappy knew they could climb the fire escape down and get out of the building before the 13 year old ninja could come back.
Farts went first, but as he bent over to climb out of the window, he blew a toxic monster fart that hit Long Dick directly in the face, Long Dick was immediately aswoon by the fumes. Long Dick began coughing and throwing up, he shoved Farts out of the window causing him to slip and fall down the fire escape right into the dumpster below. Long Dick knew that if he had inhaled anymore of the toxic gas he would have passed out, he instinctively dove out of the window behind Roarin Farts landing on top of him in the dumpster, but as Long Dick jumped out he seen in the distance his main bottom bitch, his top notch hoe, his all star of the track, "Olivia Le'Avenem Limp" also known as "The Lil' Babuska" hiding behind a mail box across the street. Long Dick and Roarin Farts both look up from the dumpster and see 3 little ninjas looking down from the window at them pointing to a SUV that was pulling up, then all of a sudden 6 13 year old ninjas surrounded the dumpster out numbering them. Long Dick threw his hands up surrendering, then Roarin Farts did the same asking "Dick, what the plan is?" Long Dick replied "Don't worry, I got that LD
, just follow my lead." They hop out of the dumpster and the little ninjas hog tied them. A old Chinese man stepped out from the black SUV he walked up to Chappy and Farts, made a face of disgust, then slapped Roarin Farts right in the face and spit at Long Dick Chappy while making hand gestures that looked like the international jack off signal. Long Dick knew that the little old Chinese man was the Leader of the Triads and the owner of Chinks Lee All You Can Eat Chinese Buffet, if Olivia Le'Avenem Limp didn't act fast, the little old Chinese man would not hesitate in the execution of him and farts and sell the body meat to the Chinks Lee All You Can Eat Chinese Buffet out in Long Island.
Long Dick whispered over to Farts, "We gotta make a diversion daddy-o, my Lil Babushka is behind that mailbox across the street, dig, we needs to buy some time for my main bitch to make a move baby, Farts daddy bear, ya dig?" Farts had a plan, he looked over and asked the little old Chinese man, "Do you know who the Japanese Tornado" Swung Lo Hoggins is?" "I beat his yellow ass down in the 1987 International Wrestling Federation of Amateur Wrestlers "Royal Blood Battle", then belched out very loudly "Asians can't wrestle bitch!!" The taunting worked, it created a distraction, but worked so well, one of the 13 year old assassins round house kicked Farts right in the head and shouted, "Shut up, ya Poopy cocka head" right then the Lil Babushka ran out from behind the mail box with a meat clever
and grabbed the little old Chinese man by the neck, she held the meat clever
to his throat and in Russian said, "Болтуна язык до добра не доведёт". The little assassin ninjas felt apprehensive to make a attack, they didn't expect a little Russian woman to be hiding on the streets with a meat clever
, but then the little old Chinese man told the assassins to attack!! One ninja reluctantly came rushing towards Olivia Le'Avenem Limp, she let go of the old man and tossed the meat clever towards Long Dick, giving him the opportunity to cut himself free, then she threw a left hook connecting on the chin of the assassin child dropping him, another little ninja boy began to charge her, she leapt into the air throwing a superman punch shattering the ninja childs nose, Olivia Le'Avenem Limp laughed aloud and in a broken English dialect said, "I make you all limp" transitioning into a spinning round house kick to the third ninja kids belly, dropping him immediately. The remaining assassins surrounded her, Olivia let out a loud growl, and said "it's the dance time boys", she leg swept one little ninja and judo tossed another followed by a spinning elbow that knocked out the third ninja. By this time Chappy had cut himself free and started cutting Farts ropes, Farts was just cutting farts. A gunshot rang out halting everything, everyone looked over to see the little old Chinese Triad leader holding a shotgun
Pointing the shotgun to the head of Roarin Farts, the Little Old Chinese man said, "You know why I shanghai you friend Mr. Bob Bickles?" Farts shook his head no and with every head turn a little fart passed through his tightly clenched butt cheeks, sounding like bubble wrap popping, the Lil Old Chinese man laughed and said, "I tell you!! Son bitch, Yeah I tell you, You manager Mr. Bob Bickles, I tie him up, he in my restaurant righ now, he tie up in basement hahaha, with one hand hahaha," The little Chinese man started to become erratic and started shouting at Farts, "he shame me, he bootleg movie of XXX Peep Show when he visit China, he have no permission from us to record movie, and he make big big money, now I shame him back hahah, I cut off his matterbation hand hahaha, he now have to do some one hand tug now when watch XXX Peep Show hahaha", Roarin Farts said, "So Mr. Bob Bickles was bootlegging XXX Peep Shows in China and was selling them? I had nothing to do with Mr. Bickles and his perversion habits" The Old Chinese Man apoplectic with anger said, " No, you I assassinate because you come to my restaurant everyday, eat all hummus dip
and leave big shits in toilet and no flush, no tip, you no manors, very disrespectful, clogged my toilet three days!! You no apologize and leave note saying sushi farts leave sushi shits?? I no know what you think I am, no funny very disrespectful!!" Farts looks up and before he could say anything Mr. Bob Bickles walked up with a samurai sword
and swung it full force with his left hand lopping the head of the little old Chinese man clean off, it dropped to the ground and rolled over to the feet of Long Dick Chappy who was in awe at what just happened and said, "Damn Baby, Now ain't that a mother fucker!" Farts could see pee stains and a giant shit smear on his shirt and pants, then looked up at Mr. Bob Bickles and said, "The china man said you were tied up in the basement of Chinks Lee All You Can Eat Chinese Buffet restaurant, how did you escape" and Bob said, "The toilet overflowed flooding the basement in shit water, the water was oily enough for me to slip free and I grabbed the sword hanging on the wall and just started swinging at these little kids dressed up as ninjas". Olivia Le'Avenem Limps phone started ringing, she started yelling in Russian and then asked Long Dick Chappy for $50 because the thots on the strip were out of hand lotion
and 2 for 1 tug job Tuesday was coming, Long Dick asked Roarin Farts for a fifty spot and told Mr. Bob Bickles to get his camera
they got a movie to make!
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