Open♡Now♡Free♡One

I locked myself into a cubicle in the school bathroom, sat down on the floor against the wall, and cried. With hardly any sound, just soft sniffing, but two rivers down my face. Girls came in, peed in the toilets next to me and i held my breath until i heard that they had washed their hands, refilled their water bottles, brushed their hair and left. 

I sat there for a while, until one came in anymore. I sat there without moving, until the automatic lights turned off. Then i sat there in the dark. Still crying, with my head wrapped up in my arms, resting on my knees. It was a long deep quiet cry. It came straight from the core. But it was gentle. It was great. I felt so fully, painfully alive, and in that moment there was just no way for me to deny the fact that I was. Alive. Ahhhhh!!!!

Can I love all of him, also when he wants to be around other girls, also when he does the opposite of what I want, also when he doesn’t see me as his dream girl? Just because it feels good, because I actually love him. Because I love myself? I can make myself happy? I am happy. And I want him to be happy and I trust that he’s doing all that he can to feel happy.

Can I love myself more too, regardless of what anyone else thinks, does or says, just because I appreciate me and because I am doing what feels right to me and am acting out of love and self-love and what I find to be important. Because I look after myself and try to find kindness and positive radiance within me and do what feels good. 

Can I just spend time with people that I like spending time with? Without labeling anything or having an agenda. Just having a good time. Can I let them do the same? Can I give myself what I feel I need, and if I can’t, ask for help? And not take it personally when they don’t want to help. Notice that whether they love or hate me, has nothing to do with me? Love them anyway, because loving feels so much better than anything else. 

Love isn’t me wanting more It’s not how close we are It’s not the things I say to you Or how often we see each other

Love isn’t my pain, or yours It’s not how you make me feel It’s not doing what you want me to Or asking for anything

Love won’t ever be blaming you And it cannot fall apart It will never lay a claim on you Or keep you in the dark

Love is fun and lightness Love is water, love is earth Love is energy and freedom It’s not afraid of getting hurt

When asked to describe myself, I usually use words like ‘kind' and ‘sweet'. I’m pretty sure my friends would use those words to describe me, too. This is probably because my actions and words are usually loving and compassionate. However, The Work of Byron Katie has really openend my eyes to a big part of me that isn’t loving and compassionate at all: many of my thoughts. Byron Katie says that when her thoughts aren’t kind, she doesn’t like herself and she doesn’t feel connected to reality. She encourages to question every judgemental thought you have, she calls this ‘inquiry’. The process you can use for this, is called The Work, and the necessary tools are always free and available on her website.

An example of where this approach is helping me:

A friend has been hurting others (in my opinion) by being too sweet and not paying attention to what she wanted, then getting overwhelmed, pushing them away and confusing them terribly. I wanted to tell her she should be more honest and more in touch with her emotional boundaries. I wanted to tell her she shouldn’t feel responsible for the feelings of others and not try to make them think she was a nice person. I wanted to tell her she should stop hurting others and herself and look inwards and start acting from there. I would have said these things in a kind way, only with the intention of helping.. Or so I would make it seem. But giving unwanted advice is always an ego thing, and ego’s don’t truly love, they just want and need things. Which is okay, I just like to choose not to act from there, whenever I’m aware that I might.

The main question for me here was: can I find places in my own life where I can be more honest and more clear about my emotional boundaries? The answer is yes, I’m actually having a hard time doing this, too. So instead of needing her to change and tell her what she should be doing... Can I look in the mirror and do what I feel she should be doing?  Can I stop trying to get her approval and just do and say what I want and feel like? Can I accept the fact that not being fully in touch with her emotional boundaries and hurting herself and others because of that, is her reality at the moment? Knowing this, when talking to her, can I stay in touch with my own emotional boundaries and protect myself, knowing that she might do or say things she doesn’t really mean, yet still let her be who she (temporarily) is right now?

Ideally, you’d avoid situations like this all-together. You do normally. But this time you can’t pull out. You’ve been postponing it already. The task has to get done. And you sort of want to do it too; there are many logical reasons why it’s worth the effort. This doesn’t change the fact that you’re anything but excited to get started. Can’t think of any good excuses, running out of time. 

Anxiety can be paralysing. Even for small things that you know aren’t really that hard or scary. Perhaps you’ve had bad experiences with situations like this before. Or a task simply seems too overwhelming. Of course this is all happening inside your head. Without the thoughts and beliefs that you have about it, will you be okay? What if you could just let your monkey mind jump around, while watching it with kindness, and focus on what’s in front of you? Getting up, putting your socks on, take steps towards the door...  

I can’t do this, I’m not good enough, I will make a fool out of myself, It’s too hard, They won’t like me... is it true? Can you absolutely know this is true? What happens when you believe this thought? Who would you be without the thought? (www.thework.com)

Are just people being people. Doing their thing, doing whatever they can think of to not feel their own pain. The only person who can cause pain to you is yourself. All of your suffering, you are projecting onto these other people, but really you are just doing it to yourself, in your mind. Not on purpose of course. But with violent, resistant, painful, stress-causing thoughts. 

Sometimes, no matter how bad we want it, no matter how hard we try, it’s just not within our reach. This doesn’t mean you’re not worthy. It doesn’t mean you’ve done anything wrong. You may have, but you’ve done what you thought was best, whatever felt right, and what more can anyone do really? In order to move on, it’s important to fully accept reality. We can fight it, think it should be different, but it is this way, whether we like it or not, and fighting it will only make us suffer more. Fully accepting will cause relief, it will connect you back to love and help you to look after yourself and what’s important to you. 

There is no reason why you shouldn’t fully accept. Emotional pain that comes with loss or disappointment, whatever type of loss or disappointment it may be, can feel overwhelming and like something too heavy to endure. But it’s not. It’s only emotions that are caused by thoughts. Thoughts that it should be different, thoughts that this isn’t good enough, that you aren’t good enough, that things have gone wrong. These thoughts are not objective reality. They are something you can choose to believe, or something you can acknowledge, feel the effect of, and yet decide that you don’t want to attach to it too much. 

No one is perfect, we all know this, we may even agree with the idea that 'a perfect world would be boring' and 'flaws are what make people more interesting', and yet we do judge our own imperfections. Whether it’s a lack of or an unwanted abundance of hair, acne, asymmetry, body parts that are too big or too small or not the right shape… And this is only about our looks still, in addition there’s an unlimited amount what should be different about what we do and say and make and feel and everything and everyone around us. This is very frustrating, gives us stress and makes us want to fight the reality of the existence of these things.

A very basic example: I have been struggling with having mild acne for little over a year now. I hate it, I want to make it go away so bad and try everything I can think of to remove or at least cover op these spots. Different foods, skincare, makeup, vitamins, visiting skin experts. And yet my skin is still breaking out. Last week it got to the worst it has ever been. I kept thinking: 'This shouldn’t be happening. I don’t deserve this, I’m too old to have this type of skin, I do everything right so why does this happen to me?’ 

And I suddenly realised how much these thoughts made me suffer. They caused stress and pain and didn’t make any difference to the appearance of my skin. If anything, they made it worse, by causing more stress and making me try aggressive treatments. So I tried something else. Instead of wishing them away every time I looked in the mirror, I told myself ‘Alright, so this is my skin at the moment. Apparently these breakouts have to be here, because they are.’ This was a relief, and I felt better about myself, much more connected. It caused me to stop looking for remedies and applying makeup in an attempt to cover it up, so my skin could breathe. People might notice now that my skin isn’t clear. They would be right. It is what it is. 

It’s funny how, secretly, I’m already hoping this new approach will eventually make my skin clear. Which of course, would just make this into another, more hidden, way of fighting the situation. To prevent myself from getting attached to the outcome, I imagine my skin staying this way forever, or even getting worse, and accepting that. Not easy. But what a huge relief to realise that even then, I'd be fine. Byron Katie says: “You never have more money than you have. Isn’t that profound? You can either argue with it, or be at peace with it. But you never have more money than you have. When you argue with reality, you lose, 100% of the time.”

How to accept anything unwanted 1. Notice what is wrong about the situation according to you. How does it feel? Notice your thoughts about it. What does it mean to your mind that you don’t have or do this? Just listen.

2. Realise that this situation is this way right now, whether or not you want or like it. Notice how much extra stress and suffering your disapproving thoughts about the situation cause. Notice how these thoughts aren’t gonna make it better, and if anything, probably worse.

3. Tell yourself it’s okay. Tell yourself that clearly this is the way things are right now, and they apparently should be this way, simply because they are.

4. Feel how much of a relief it is to have stopped fighting reality. Take a few conscious slow breaths in and out. 

5. In your mind, imagine a moment in the future where the situation is still the same, or worse. See how, other than what you would be thinking and believing about this situation then, you would still be okay.

We’ve probably all experienced it at least once in our lives so far: not getting what we want from love. Whether it’s the unreciprocated feelings for a classmate or colleague, even a friend sometimes, or the lack of warmth and acknowledgement within a relationship. It can be more painful than anything and cause us to do the craziest and most extreme things in an attempt to make it right or win someone over. However, I think it’s safe to say that about 99% percent of the time, this is a lost cause, a bottomless hole. If our attention-seeking behaviour works at all, it will only be a temporary solution to a much bigger problem. It will cover up a wound that only we ourselves can truly heal. 

Even though I sometimes complain about it, I think I’m quite lucky to not have found someone yet to give me ‘all that I want from love’. This has given me the opportunity to learn about the true essence of love and has enabled me to really practise looking inwards, instead of trying to find love outside of me. It seems like such a cliché and of course we all know the phrases like ‘First love yourself, then others’ and ‘Happiness comes from within, not from without’, blablabla. But 1 thing that I can say to be true without a doubt is that there is no wanting in pure love. Whatsoever. That said, I’ve yet to meet someone who is completely free of egoic wanting and I’m definitely nowhere near achieving this, either. I do think though that living with the intention of looking after your own emotional needs fully and trying to love others unconditionally, is a beautiful thing to aim for and for me personally it is one of the main goals in life. 

Most of the articles I’ve read on the topic of love, claim that the origin of our deep need for love and reassurance, lies within our childhood. As a child, we are completely dependent on our parents to look after us, so we try to act in ways that will get their attention and approval. Of course as adults we don’t really need this anymore, yet we still try to please others. It’s something we all know, but I think we sometimes underestimate how much this is limiting our ability to love freely. As long as we’re trying to fill a void within ourselves, the thing we call love, is nothing but a band-aid in the shape of an attractive person. 

Is this even important though, how exactly our feeling of ‘not enoughness’ came to be? We all suffer from it. Just fully accepting the fact that this feeling is within us, can be enough I think. The past doesn’t really matter, it is gone. It is just an image in our minds. Right now, other than what you are thinking and believing, are you okay?  Probably, other than what you are thinking and believing, you are doing pretty great! Are you sitting in front of a computer? In the train, reading on your phone? How amazing are these electronic devices? How incredible is the internet that allows us to share content and connect all over the world? How well supported are you by the chair that you are sitting on? Is there fresh air outside? Sunlight? Grass or trees? Do you have access to drinking water? Are you wearing clothes that keep you warm?  

Life is so fulfilling. And it is enough. And you are enough. Whether you are single or in a relationship, it doesn’t matter at all. The void is an illusion, because when you allow the feeling of not-enoughness, and look closely, there is nothing there to back it up. And everything is here to back you up. Eckhart Tolle says: “What is conventionally called ‘love’ is an ego strategy to avoid surrender. You are looking to someone to give you that which can only come to you in the state of surrender.” So let’s surrender :)